Sex Ed

Harmony: Okay, YES! I finally found it! I’ve been hunting for this for a few days now, and I finally found it! It was in my English 4 notebook; ever since I graduated, I’ve been trying not to touch my old school stuff, because – AHHH!! It burns!! Oh, and Rika’s in this one because we wrote it down a long time ago; it was supposed to be Chapter Four, but I made a new Chapter Four because of the lack of… well… Chapter Four. Now it’s Chapter Five. You don’t like it? I’m sorry, sir… YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO EFFIN’ DEAL WITH IT!!



Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. If you sue me, I will stab you. *Evil lawyers step away from the crazed author* CUE MANIACAL LAUGHTER!! MWAHAHAHAHAHA!!

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Chapter Five: Mommy Mania



Harmony: Welcome back, folks!



(Everyone groans)



Inuyasha: Well, at least it’s not math class…



Harmony: Yea, be thankful for that!



Rika: I just got my peripheral vision back.



Harmony: (stares at her) And what, pray tell, does that have ANYTHING to do with this?



Rika: I don’t know. I just wanted to say something. So there. I said it. Nyah! (Sticks tongue out at Harmony)



Harmony: (sticks tongue out at Rika) Nyah, yourself!



Kagome: (shakes head) Oh my God. We’ve hit rock bottom!



Harmony: Okay, okay! Here we go! This lesson is a partner project, as Rika and I have been calling it since we started teaching sex ed…



Inuyasha: Which is HOW long?



Rika: Since last July. Or something like that. WE can’t remember.



Harmony: Anyways! The project itself is called “Mommy Mania”…



Sango: Oh shit…



Rika: Hey, hey, no swearing!



Sango: Sorry. Couldn’t help it, though. I’m scared.



Kikyo: Oh, we all are, honey.



Harmony: You will each have a partner, and you and that partner will have a child together –



Miroku: (jumps up, ecstatic) YES!!



(Women groan. Sango hits him over the head with boomerang)



Kikyo: Pig.



Harmony: Alrighty now! Rika, announce the partners!



Rika: Sango and Miroku, Kagome and Inuyasha, Kikyo and Sesshomaru –



Sessh: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!



(Inuyasha snickers)



Rika: Shippo and Kagura, Koga and Rin, and –



(Rika blinks)



Harmony: Kanna isn’t here anymore.



Rika: Well, I think that works out nicely enough.



Harmony: I agree. (starts passing out dolls) Now, mommies and daddies, these will be your pride and joys for the next two weeks. They each have a name, a birth certificate… and a chip that enables them to laugh, eat, burp, cry, spit, and do all kinds of other things real babies do. And those of you paired with a demon have a doll with one or two demonic traits. (grins evilly at them) Enjoy.



Rika: Welcome to Mommy Mania.



Kagome: (holds baby doll) Her name is Kaori. Wow, what a pretty name!



Inuyasha: I think I’m gonna puke!



(Kagome shrieks. The doll is hanging from her finger)



Kagome: Help! Inuyasha, it’s biting me!



Inuyasha: Oh, Kami! Harmony and Rika weren’t joking about the demonic trait thing! That’s something small, infant dog-demons do to identify family members! (chases after a running and flailing Kagome) Aw, come on, Kagome! It means it likes you! Kaori LIKES you!



____________________________________Kikyo and Sessh___________________________________



(Kikyo and Sessh are both sitting quietly at a table. Doll is lying on table)



Sessh: So… is it nice, being dead?



Kikyo: I think the term is “undead,” really, and, no, it isn’t.



Sessh: Oh. (nods) Good, good.



Kikyo: Why do you say that?



Sessh: Because you are very evil.



Kikyo: Ah. (nods) Good point.



(Doll starts crying. They both just stare at it)



Kikyo: (shakes head) I’m not picking it up.



Sessh: Neither am I.



__________________________________Sango and Miroku____________________________________



(Sango is holding the crying doll)



Sango: Miroku! Are you going to help me or not?!



Miroku: I’m tired from a hard day at work. (puts feet up on table) I mean, I go around fighting evil all day, and I expect to come home to a clean house, a hot dinner, and a happy wife and baby. That’s all I expect from you, Sango, and this is what I get?



(Sango hits Miroku over the head with boomerang. She beats him into a Miroku-shaped hole with it)



Sango: One, you haven’t really fought any evil since we started the new season. Two, you have no real home. Three, there’s no way to make a dinner here. And, four, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE!! (hits him once on every all-caps word)



Sango: (hands Miroku doll in the hole) And if this really IS your kid, you had him by someone you actually had sex with – meaning NOT ME!! (storms off)



_________________________________Koga and Rin_________________________________________



(Rin claps as she hugs the doll tight)



Rin: It’s such a CUTE dolly!!



(Koga groans and shakes his head)



_________________________________Shippo and Kagura____________________________________



(Shippo and Kagura are sitting across a table from each other. The baby doll is crying, sitting in the middle of the table, between them. They’re ignoring it.)



_______________________________________Back to Us_____________________________________



Harmony: This isn’t really working, Rika.



Rika: I know.



Harmony: But it sure is fun to watch!



Rika: (nods)



Harmony: R&R!!