Ame without sunshine

Stupid…

That’s what this whole thing was. Or maybe his whole existence? Yes existence. That was it. That’s what was stupid. Utterly despicable. Why was this life so full of failures? Failure to live, failure to achieve, failure to get, failure to give… Failure to… Protect. From himself or from others? That was the question. The one that made InuYasha’s stomach twist and ache….

…

The one that made his heart Bleed.

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CHAPTER 5! Wounded Resolve.

A/N: This took forever! I am a liar and I know it. So instead of making excuses and more lies let me just say that my work is going to continue to be sporadic. Not only because I have school work and a social life, but because I am lazy and have no beta. Aren’t those pathetic excuses? I also edited and added a little to Chapter four. If you read that chapter again it may help you understand this chapter a bit more.

Acknowledgments: I want to thank one particular reviewer who inspired me to finish up this chapter. Obsession1988 Your review was wonderful! I'm glad you like the story thus far. I hope too keep this baby of mine up to your standards!

Beta: I am in need of one. If you are interested please email me at white_swirls@hotmail.com

Disclaimer: I don’t own InuYasha or it’s affiliates.

Warnings: Death, Language and mild perverseness. Angst

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The Inner world of his being had been shaken horribly. The thought that just the mere presence of someone who he considered rival could trigger it. That was terrifying. And it hadn’t even really been an enemy. Not Kouga. Not that stupid flea bitten wolf that was his sorta ally. …And sorta friend.

He was grateful really. To that damned wolf. It wasn’t so hard to admit in this blackness. InuYasha knew that he could wake up at any given moment. He could hear, smell, and sense everyone around him. But for the moment he was ignoring the lot of them. It would be nice if the ground would just swallow him up and end this pitiful existence.


“Why can’t you control your youkai!? It’s a part of you isn’t it? Haven’t you been battling it for years? Why haven’t you made any progress? Where is your resolve damn you!?”


Where indeed. Fuck this. Why the hell wasn’t Tetsusaiga doing anything? Wasn’t the point of his sword to seal up his demon? What a useless weapon…

No, it was himself really. Maybe the sword would have worked if he hadn’t gone and broken it. It was his fang that had made his sword this way.

InuYasha didn’t know why he was trying to put blame on others anyway. One way or another every mess he had gotten into had been his screw up one way or another. Not being able to save his mother. Being weak in the eyes of his brother. Kikyo, Kagome. All his fault.

InuYasha had always believed that every mistake you made could be corrected by doing something good. Which was why he went out of his way to help humans. He had been trying to atone. Others may have thought that he had only just started this troubling aid of humans. But he had always been doing it. Only in secret. Afraid of being rejected or causing more trouble.

It had always made him feel good when the villagers would praise the work of the mysterious stranger that had helped then. Saying he must be some kind of holy spirit. Not a dirty half breed.

Not a monster.

It had given him the illusion that he might become something.

At one time it had always been ‘I’ll never win. I’ll never get stronger’ Then at some point in had changed to ‘I will win, I will get stronger.’ Now it was ‘I have to win, so I can get stronger.’ The evolution of his confidence was supposed to grow until it could go no further. But for InuYasha his strength had always been bipolar. Fluctuating from strong to weak. Right now he was weak. Usually his confidence would rise after every battle. Either because he would win or because he had found a weakness and was certain he would win next time around. This battle he was afraid he would lose. In every possible way. There would be no weakness to exploit. He was scared shitless. Because this time he had something to lose. Hell he had everything to lose.

Before he had almost welcomed death. Would have welcomed death. If not for that damn promise he made to his mother. All those years ago. How long had it been? 200? 300 years? It didn’t matter, he had always been one to keep his promises.

At the young age of ten he had been given his first ever real tragedy. The death of his mother.


………………………………...............................

“InuYasha!”

“InuYasha!”

“Your-your mother! She needs you to come see her right away! It seems she has begun to fade from this world!’

…

‘That’s right. On that warm spring day. When the dragonflies were roaming freely in the garden my mother took her last breath.’

The quiet of the courtyard The number of clouds in the sky, the slight breeze that would tickle his ears and make the dragon flies glide past. The sweet smell of the plum trees. Everything he remembered so clearly. The putrid odor he didn’t understand, that came from his mothers room. The one he smelled so often now. The scent of death.

That was why he had avoided her those last weeks. The scent that frightened him. The scent that disgusted him. If he had known what it had been. What the smell had meant. Maybe he would have spent his mothers last few days on earth more wisely. But he had been ignorant. There had been nobody to tell him what those scents were.

“InuYasha do I repulse you? Am I that hard to be around?”

He had assured her it wasn’t. That it was a funny smell coming from her room. The room which she couldn’t escape. Izayoi had only smiled knowingly, one of her sad smiles. But nowadays it was hard to remember what her happy smile looked like. He was lucky to get a smile at all.

It was a stab wound, that had brought this smell about. The fox clan had attacked their castle and stabbed his mother. The details were murky. Only the coppery taste and smell of blood. The sound of screaming. The scarred face of the Fox that had stood over his mother, sword to the hilt inside her belly.

The healer had said she would live. No vitals had been pierced. It might have been youkai magic and infection that had poisoned her… It might have been because she didn’t want to live anymore.


……………………………….

Their footsteps had been so loud to his ears. Each thud his foot would make against the cool wood sounded like doom. As the smell got stronger, as the room got closer. Small beads of sweat gathered across his forehead. He had had to clench his arms tightly together inside the wide sleeves of his haori, so the maid would not see his shaking. He had felt so hot and faint. Knew this was reality, but just couldn’t grasp it.

The shoji had opened so slowly. The sound of the wood sliding into place was magnified a thousand times. But his fears had been quelled somewhat by the sight of his mother. Laying against the cream colored sheets, long brown hair splayed like a halo about her head. Eyes closed White yakuta rustling as she moved slightly.

He had sat by her side, stroking that soft hair, vaguely hearing the maid slide the door shut, her footsteps fading away.

Fingers gently stroking his ears had made him realize he had closed his eyes.

Izayoi tugged him gently to lay on her chest. His ear pressed close to where her heart was. It was thumping softly, slowly. Much too slowly.

“Soon the beating of my heart will stop.” She had said quietly.

“But you needn’t fear that. Even if my heart stops my love for you will not.” As his eyes had widened in horror, she had smiled. It had been almost cruel.

“I am selfish. To be leaving you so soon. To want to see your father so badly, I am weak and a bad mother.”

“But you are strong, you will grow up to be even better than your father. A demons strength, with human compassion. I do not fear for your success.” Her eyes had darkened over at those words. Although it had been hard to tell through the blurring of his tears. Hard to hear over his muffled sobs.

“You must promise me that you will not lose yourself. That no matter how hard it is you will not die. That you will not die because the world is dark. Death should only be brought about by trying to protect something precious or getting old. You must not die regretting! You must remain strong my little warrior. Promise me you will live. That you have the will to live.”

He had not understood this. This will to live. Had only felt despair.

“Promise me!” her voice had been so soft, but so urgent. The beating of her heart slower than ever. The scent of her growing worse and worse.

“I-I promise”

His mother his kind and beautiful mother, had smiled for real then. A genuine happy smile.

The beating of her heart stopped. Her muscles had gone limp. The brown in her eyes clouding over never to see again.

And he had screamed.

Later as his he was being beaten by the castle staff, as they were binding his arms and legs with the intent to throw him with his mother onto the burning pyre, he had not been sad.

He had been sad when Sesshomaru scooped him up off the ground and flown away. Just as he was about to join his kaa-san.

The smell of his mothers burning flesh was one he would never forget.

“Cry today brother. Mourn for your lost mother. Mourn for the hardships that you will face after this day…”

…

“Then never shed tears again.”


InuYasha hadn’t.

………………………………..............................................

That had been one of the few almost brotherly things Sesshomaru had said to him. He could count on one hand the number of times Sesshomaru had given him advice that wasn’t cruel demeaning or sarcastic.

One of the few times his own brother had even acknowledged he existed.

InuYasha hated this. Pitying himself. Who cared about the past anyway? At least it wasn’t so bad between he and his brother. And it had been so long since his mother had died that the hurt and pain had become a dull ache.

But the pain never went away. Because with the dulling of old pain, came the freshness of new ones. Being happy. That was what he was really striving for. Like a dog that howls to the moon. Knowing it’s there but never being able to reach it. Then wondering if it was real. Not an illusion his brain had concocted. In this era it was hard to find happy people. So his doubt wasn’t too off. Even Kikyo had been sad. It wasn’t until he had met Kagome that he had found his first truly happy person.

InuYasha smiled at the thought. Kagome sure was an oddity. She was so full of emotion and not afraid to speak out or help people. She tried not to let anything get her down and was always doing her best to make others happy.

That was why her tears hurt so damn much. He could smell them actually. Her tears. Probably shed for him again. Possibly because he was in this state. Possible because he had tried to harm her.

…

That thought. He had hoped to avoid it. To never have to confront it. After declaring he cared for her declaring he chose her. Still he had tried to hurt her. And rape would have been worse than killing her. He really should wake up and apologize. Explain this whole situation. But he was a coward. One who was entirely to afraid of rejection. And too full of pride to burden others or admit he had a problem of this magnitude. Afraid to admit to his pain.

Sango had said that the trust in this group was something that they should never let go of. But they all had secrets. They all had something they were unwilling to share. You would think a group so trusting would trust each other more.

Even Shippo was hiding something. The young carefree fox that was always honest. When he had been in his Youkai form he had known what it was. But his thoughts from his youkai form slipped away like sand through his fingers when he regained himself. Sometimes. Sometimes he almost wished he could hold onto those realizations.

Some parts of him were too human. There was often not enough instinct when it came to solving problems where demons were concerned.

He would have to wake up. No matter how hard it was. Responsibility would cling to him as long as he was pack leader. InuYasha had quite a bit more respect for his father now that he was a leader of his own pack.

The wind was blowing his hair softly. The silky strands would brush his cheeks before being swept aside by a gentle hand. Kagome’s?

Upon opening amber eyes all images were blurry. Green, blacks and reds. Groaning he brought his hand to his stomach. Kouga really had been serious. The jerk had probably bruised some of his organs.

Tilting his head to the side, he found not Kagome but Shippo stroking his hair. Eyes widening he sat up and looked around for Kagome. Trying to quell the surprise of waking to find Shippo acting so oddly.

The bitch was lying at his feet fast asleep.

…But it wasn’t a good sleep. She had a crease in her forehead, and a frown on her face. Maybe he had been out longer than he had first supposed.

Shippo was whimpering softly. Tugging at InuYasha’s locks. His face was blotchy and he had tear streaks running down his chubby cheeks. His eyes were red from crying and he was shaking like a leaf all over.

Suddenly he let out a mournful wail and clutched InuYasha’s Haori like it was some sort of lifeline. Brows furrowing in concern and slight alarm the half demon stroked the small kitsune’s red hair.

“What’s the matter Shippo?” he asked softly. Too softly. Too caring.

“It’s my fault InuYasha! It’s my fault! My clan was the one that killed your mother and now their coming to get me!”

“Their going to take me back as the leader of the Akai tenma no kitsune!”


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Apologies for the shortness of this chapter and lack or good grammar. Next chapter we find out what really has little Shippo-chan bugged.

Kaa-san: Mother

Akai tenma no kitsune: Roughly as red demon fox.

Please remember to review. I can’t say it enough your reviews make me WANT to write. Because then I know this story isn’t just a bunch of school age crap. Thanks for all previous reviews!

Chishio.