This is Gonna be a Pain in the Ass

A/N OMG, I live. And I updated this story, dear god. Note the flying pigs out your window. Thank you for everyone who reviewed, and all who were waiting and kept nagging at me to get my ass in gear. Thanks! I am sorry to have repaid your kindness with such a long wait. I can’t promise I’ll do better for the next update, although I’ll try. I can only say that I’ll keep writing until the story is finished! Someday I hope to come back and edit better, but it’ll have to be as is for now.

Oh, one thing. My damn computer is still not letting me format this properly, so I can't do italics or bold or anything, dammit. So, for the moment:
** ** denotes thoughts, which would be in italics if I had a better word processing program, grrrr.


Previously…

Kohaku took a step towards [Miroku], looking him up and down. “I may be young, but I am still the last remaining male of our household. And I ask you: what do you think you’re doing touching my sister?”

Miroku blinked in surprise before swallowing. Well, this was…unexpected.

Chapter 4 – Coping with Crying

“Eh, well…” Miroku’s voice failed him. He waited for his mind to come up with something smooth and persuasive, the same way he did when it was time to get lodging for the night. His brow furrowed as nothing coalesced inside his head. That shouldn’t be happening.

Eyes widening, he realized what the problem was: he was trying to tell the truth. He wasn’t trying to deceive Kohaku! And on top of that, all of his excuses over the years had been for why a young woman shouldn’t marry him; what was he supposed to say when he was trying to explain why one actually had?!

Eyeing the sharp weapon over Kohaku’s back, and remembering how skillfully he’d seen it wielded, he swallowed nervously.

“Eh, well, you see…” Looking into Kohaku’s eyes, he realized something extremely profound: Sango and Kohaku glared at him the exact same way when they were angry. And just like Sango’s glare, Kohaku’s seemed to be affecting his mental facilities. He was having a hard time thinking.

It was hard to lie to that glare and not expect a great deal of pain immediately afterwards.

Although at least Kohaku’s anger doesn’t arouse me like Sango’s does, Miroku thought shakily. There were some things that he simply never wanted to experience, and that was most certainly one of them.

Floundering, he looked over to Sango. She would help him; she loved him. His eyes begged prettily for help and he waited for her to speak up. And waited. And sweat as Kohaku’s fingers began to shift over his blade. He batted his eyes.

Considering the fantastic job he’d been doing as her spouse to date, she didn’t react at all as a good wife should: she said nothing. Sango simply smiled at him from Kohaku’s side and waited for him to speak first.

He was going to make sure they talked about this later. At length.

Naked.

Perhaps with leather ties this time…

As soon as he extricated himself from the potentially painful conversation with his…brother-in-law. What a strange idea. He straightened his shoulders, covertly gripping his staff tighter, and swallowed.

“Sango is my wife now.”

Kohaku’s expression didn’t change, but Sango’s smile softened slightly. Miroku couldn’t help smiling back at her. Lovely, lovely Sango. She was -

“The two of you married?!” Kohaku had stepped away from Sango, looking at her in shock. “You married him?”

Miroku continued to smile at Sango’s rather nervous nod.

“Sango, what were you thinking?”

Miroku stopped smiling.

“He’s a thief.“

Miroku scowled. “Oh, I think that’s exaggerat-“

“He’s a liar and a cheat.”

“I don’t believe that’s-“ Miroku was cut off again.

“He’s a lecher!”

“Now that’s entirely unjustified,” Miroku finally managed.

“And he has shifty eyes,” Kohaku concluded.

Miroku open his mouth to speak and stopped. Shifty eyes? What in the world was he talking about? He had very nice eyes; they were one of his best features. Sango had always said so. Or at least she had in the last few days, once she was feeling a little more amenable to his attentions, especially now that the anger over that whole ‘carrying’ incident had faded sufficiently.

He looked at her, waiting for her to refute that last statement, and felt understandably upset when she didn’t.

“Sango…you don’t think that, do you? I thought you liked my eyes.”

There was a pause in the conversation, the muted sounds of Kagome and Inuyasha starting to argue drifting over, and Kohaku stared at him.

“That’s all you’re going to argue over? Your eyes?”

“It’s an important point of contention,” he muttered, completely irritated. “Sango knows me well enough not to even bother with the other concerns…”

“…because most of them are true…” Miroku thought he heard her mutter, and he refused to look at her. His wife should be much more supportive.

“…but this is different.”

Miroku stared at her hard, waiting. She and Kohaku stared back. Inuyasha and Kagome grew louder.

“Well? Sango? You don’t think that, do you?” He didn’t know why it was important, but for Buddha’s sake, a man should be able to count on his own wife finding him attractive, shouldn’t he? It was only fair, considering he could hardly take his eyes off her most of the time.

She shook her head, her hand coming up to hide a smile. “No. They’re lovely. I’m afraid I can’t agree with you on that one, Kohaku.”

Kohaku looked at her and reached up, touching her cheek before turning back at Miroku’s relieved face. “He makes you smile?”

“Almost as often as he makes me want to hit him along side the head, yes.”

Kohaku hugged her quickly.

“All right then.” He looked at Miroku speculatively and then smiled happily like a boy his age should. “Besides, I can see who’s in charge in this marriage anyway. Just remember that one move Father showed you.”

Sango giggled, looking at Miroku’s confused face. “I plan to use it often.”

“I’m happy for you then, Sango.” Kohaku stared at Miroku. “And you…”

Kohaku paused and looked him up and down before smiling again . “You’re a very lucky man.”

Miroku nodded, trying to figure out what move they were talking about. Something he hadn’t seen before? It couldn’t involve sex, because no father would ever discuss such a thing with his daughter. That was something for the women. Except Sango had never had her mother, so…

What was the move, dammit?!

“I need to go, Sango,” Kohaku apologized, looking across the field where Sesshoumaru had disappeared.

“But you just-“

Kohaku hugged her quickly. “I know. I’ll make sure to be back to see you before too long.” With a small smile at her and Miroku, he blushed slightly.

“I want to make sure and visit my niece and nephew once they’re born, don’t I?”

Sango colored up brightly enough to rival a fire youkai and Miroku couldn’t resist a small smirk. He was going to be a father. He, Miroku, was going to be a father. Kohaku shook his head and patted Sango on the shoulder one last time before he trotted away across the field.

As he disappeared from sight, Miroku looked at Sango, about to try and get her to tell him what the ‘move’ might be. He ended up with an armful of crying Sango instead and patted her back softly as he watched Kohaku disappear into the forest.

“…and I fucking told you to go home and instead you decided to take on Sesshoumaru! Of course I’m pissed off!” Inuyasha’s voice bellowed out as he glared at Kagome. Dammit, if she was gonna fucking cry, she wasn’t allowed to stop crying just to start getting mad at HIM because he’d been mad at HER! He had every right to get pissed off! She’d made the stupid wish, hadn’t she? And that wasn’t even fucking looking at what she’d done before that! Didn’t she understand how close to dying she’d been? If Sesshoumaru hadn’t been in some weird mood and left her alone, she’d already be dead!

It made him shake so badly he wanted to shake HER just so she could feel it!

“You’re the one who could have died!” Kagome yelled back, glaring at him. “You think I’m just going to leave you alone when you’re in trouble, you stupid lummox? What’s next, getting mad at me because I came after you at the castle, too?!”

Inuyasha paused, struck suddenly by what might have happened the day she and Sango had come after them. What if there’d been more ninjas, or the girls had made a mistake, or… Crap. She was right, he should be pissed at her for that too.

Don’t, warned his conscience. Don’t go there, you moron, you’ll –

“Well….yeah, maybe I am! You could have been killed there too!”

Kagome glared at him in furious disbelief, opening her mouth to break new volume records when they heard Sango start to cry. They both looked over immediately at the unexpected sound. Inuyasha sniffed the air, just to make sure no one was bleeding, before he stared at her, uneasy. Sango was crying! Kagome stared right along with him, a strange expression on her face. Neither of them said a word as they listened to her weep for a few minutes.

“What the hell’s wrong now?” he muttered.

“I don’t know,” she murmured back.

You’re a fucking lucky bastard, his conscience muttered. She starts worrying about Sango, she’s gonna forget how pissed she is at you. Count your blessings.

**Shut up.**

They watched for a moment, their feet shifting uncertainly at Sango continued to cry. And then Kagome’s body language changed. It was like watching a cat spot a bird it was about to pounce on, and he knew he’d seen that expression on her face before, he just couldn’t remember when. What was she usually thinking when she looked that way?

Miroku glanced in their direction, his hands roaming softly over Sango, and Inuyasha and Kagome quickly turned away. Kagome peeked back as soon as Miroku’s eyes went back to his wife. Inuyasha watched her silently until she was done with whatever the hell she was doing, and when she looked back to him, she was beaming.

What the hell? Why was she….smiling so broadly her cheeks were flushed, and her eyes were shining, and her face… She looked so beautiful it was painful. Seeing her like that, alive and joyful, Inuyasha tossed the will to keep yelling about Sesshoumaru out the window. He stared at her face, the smile igniting a warm glow deep down in his stomach, and lower.

You are so whipped, his conscience mocked. She bats her eyes at you and you are like wet paper in her hands.

**Shut up. A man can enjoy looking at his wife, you asshole.**

Little tame puppy on a leash.

**I am not.**

Whipped, whipped, whipped. You are SO whipped.

**You are SO much of a fucking asshole.**

“She looks so happy, doesn’t she?” Kagome said dreamily.

Inuyasha looked over at Sango still crying in Miroku’s arms and cocked one eyebrow at her. Was she serious?

“Uh, yeah. Happy.” Watching the way her smile lit up her face, he smiled back. He honestly couldn’t see why she thought Sango wasn’t as depressed as she seemed, but the thought of Sango made him think of her condition, and that was all it took to imagine Kagome pregnant with his own child. He felt a warm shiver tingling over his entire body as he saw her in his head, her belly ripe, that same smile on her face as she rubbed her hands over her stomach.

“You’re so beautiful.” He reached out and gripped her dainty hand in his fingertips. It was so precious. Small and strong, exactly like her.

Kagome blushed as he stared at her, and she giggled nervously when he wouldn’t release her hand.. “Inuyasha, you’re embarrassing me.”

“That’ll be you soon.” He looked over at Sango and Miroku. “We’ll have babies before too long, too. “

Kagome looked up at him and swallowed heavily. “Babies?” She looked at Sango, her hand absently stroking her stomach before she began to bite her lip. “I- I know I said… When Sesshoumaru and you were fighting, I know I thought about it, but I don’t know, Inuyasha. I’m not sure I’m ready for that right now. I- maybe we should wait before we have… uh, you know, until I can get some protection.”

“Huh? Protection from what? Aren’t I enough protection?”

“Inuyasha…not that kind. It’s…something to keep me from having children. I don’t think I want…”

Inuyasha didn’t hear the rest of what she said. Something to keep from having children? His hand’s grip slackened and let her fingers slip out of his own.

**She doesn’t want my children.**

That can’t be right, his conscience said. She talked about kids, right?

**Yeah? Then why doesn’t she want them now that I’m the one talking about them. She was just daydreaming or something. You know how she gets about romance and shit. It’s always out in la-la land, got nothing to do with what's actually happening.**

Okay, yeah, so she used to get strange over Sango and Miroku when they so much as looked at each other, but she was fucking right about them!

** She said she doesn’t want my children. She doesn’t want a HANYOU’S children.**

That’s not what she said! Kagome’s not like that, you fucking-

**What else could it be? Why else would a woman not want to have a child, when she’s got a husband to watch out for her and the little one? Naraku’s dead, Sesshoumaru can’t hurt her – there’s no reason to wait. You think she really wants them, tell me why she’d say that?**

…

I don’t know, his conscience admitted, but she said she loved you. Kagome wouldn’t lie about something like that.

**That doesn’t mean she wants to bear me a child.**

Maybe… Maybe she’s worried about how another hanyou would be treated, his conscience ventured.

**Maybe. She does worry about stuff like that. It’s just that… Fuck. It’s probably too much to ask…**

Inuyasha struggled to keep from walking away. It fucking hurt, like a kick from a horse right to the gut, and just as sudden and unexpected as one. It was his fault, anyway. He was the one who’d married her when she hadn’t known what she was doing. It wasn’t her fault. She didn’t have a choice beforehand. Wasn’t like she’d been trying to hide it from him.

The least he could do was…leave her alone so she wouldn’t get pregnant.

“It’s okay, Kagome.” His voice was hoarse and he cleared it roughly. “I won’t bother you about that stuff anymore. You won’t have to worry about it.”

Kagome gaped at him. “Inuyasha...what? What are you talking about? I was just saying we needed to be a little careful until I can get protection.”

“I know. I’m sorry. I…we can make sure you don’t get pregnant. You won’t have to do that.” He turned his face away, staring out across the field where Sesshoumaru had disappeared. ”You don’t have to have another hanyou,” he said quietly.

Kagome stood frozen, watching him. “Inuyasha, what are you talking about?”

He kept his eyes away as he answered. “Just that I understand. It’s too much to ask.”

“What’s too much to ask?”

“Having a…baby. Another hanyou, its too much. I couldn’t ask you to…OW!” He clutched at the ear that throbbed from a nasty pinch.

“Couldn’t ask me to?” Kagome stood scowling at him, fists clenched at her sides as she began yelling. “You say that as though you’re the only one who would want our baby!”

“But, you just said you didn’t want…”

“I don’t want a baby right NOW! That doesn’t mean I don’t want one ever, you… you… ignorant jerk! I want to finish highschool first and get an education so I can get a job, and then have a baby! YOUR baby!”

“Kagome…” His ears started to lie flat against his head even as the horrible pressure in his gut eased. It wasn’t about having babies. She actually wanted children, someday, with him.

I told you, said his conscience. Although…

**I know. Hasn’t she thought about this, yet?**

Guess not, his conscience said, cringing a little in sympathy. Poor thing. She’s going to be really upset. Should have realized she was only crying about other stuff.

**Shit. How the fuck am I supposed to bring this up? It’ll make her cry again!**

“What?” She glared at him and he thought his ears might be even flatter than they were before.

“K-Kagome, you don’t need to worry about that anymore. I mean, you don’t need to worry about school and tests and stuff, if... But, but I’ll always be here. No matter what, I’ll be here and so you don’t have to worry… about not worrying about the tests. Now that, uh…”

Kagome’s face flushed as rage bloomed in her eyes. “Now that what? Now that we’re married, is that it? You better not try to keep me away from school again, Inuyasha , or I’ll- I’ll- I’ll do something so awful you won’t believe it!”

Inuyasha stared at her, feeling helpless. So she was insulting him, that didn’t matter right now. She didn’t get it at all.

He reached out and grasped her shoulders gently. “Kagome, that’s not it. It’s not me. It’s home. I – what if you can’t – “ He tried to breathe deeply. Crap, this was going to make her cry again, he just knew it, but he had to say it! “You used the jewel, Kagome. There’s no more jewel left. You might not be able to get home now, that’s what I was tryin’ to say.”

Paling, Kagome stared at him. “I- “ Her voice trickled away and her hands dropped to her sides. Inuyasha saw tear welling up in her eyes.

**Oh gods, she’s gonna cry again! I knew it ! She’s gonna cry!! What do I do?**

Make her feel better, idiot! His conscience yelled.

**How? Shit, I shouldn’t have fucking said anything! Why didn’t you stop me, asshole! **

I didn’t fucking know what you were going to say!

**But…oh crap, she’s really crying now! How many times is she gonna keep crying today?**

Inuyasha reached over and patted her arm with fast, light touches. When that didn’t do anything and a few more tears began to fall down her face, he started patting faster, hoping that if he just did it quickly enough, it would make it better.

This isn’t working, his conscience said. You have to hold her.

**But what if that makes her cry more? **

You’ve gotta try something!

**Fuck.**

He stepped close and Kagome turned her face into his shoulder, crying. He wanted to smack his conscience in the head. It was just making it worse.

“Kagome, it’s okay! Don’t cry! It’s.. . I bet it’s fine! Yeah. We’ll go right through the well. Just pop right through. I was just being stupid.”

“N-no. You’re right,” she sniffled, her voice muffled against his haori. “I’ll probably never see them again. Why did I make that stupid wish! Why didn’t I just keep my mouth shut?!” She kept crying and Inuyasha scrambled to fix it.

“”I’ll find a way, even if you can’t get though the well. Kagome? I will. I’ll make sure you get to see them soon. I promise, just stop crying, all right? Stop crying. Please? No matter what, you can see ‘em soon.”

“Inuyasha.” Kagome’s voice was watery. “You can’t promise something like that. We don’t even know how the well works.”

“I don’t care! I’ll do it. You don’t have to worry anymore. So…stop crying, yeah? It’ll be okay.”

Kagome hugged him around the waist and continued crying, but at least her body wasn’t shaking with it now. He leaned down over her head, puling her in close.

“Shhh. Don’t worry. I’ll do it. I swear I will.”

How in the fucking hell are you going to fix the well if it won’t work, his conscience asked incredulously.

**I don’t know. So just shut up about it, okay? **

She’s gonna kill you when you screw THIS up, his conscience said. You’ve killed us both. Damn.