You Can't Help Me

You Can’t Help Me

Written by: Kittydemon/ AZ/ Foolire

Date: 07/12/03

Warnings: Blood, Self-mutilation, Violence, and Occasional swearing.

Chapter Five: By Myself

Disclaimer: I don’t own Inu Yasha, and the name of this chapter is a song by Linkin Park.

A/N: Waah! Sorry this took so long! I’m trying my hardest to write these as fast as possible! I hope you enjoy this… (sorry for the spelling, and grammar mistakes, I haven’t proof read this properly-sorry!)

Inu Yasha awakens…to find a not-so-happy Kagome…


*~*

Drawing a deep breath he cringed slightly, feeling sharp pain in his abdomen. A dim, bleak room greeted his view as soon as he opened his eyes and tried to focus his sight on something. One of his hands stiffly moved to his stomach as he probed his injury. His clawed fingers gently touched the top of the blanket that covered his wound and quickly receded. It hurt. A lot.

Inu Yasha breathed out with a quiet hiss, while his eyes darted around the room he was currently resting in. Confusion flooded his mind, as he tried to remember the battle where he got the injuries from... but all he could seem to recall was the hyena demon and his long fangs as they sank into his shoulder. But that didn’t explain the wound on his stomach. Inu Yasha’s hand unconsciously crept towards his collarbone, as if his mind looked for confirmation to his muddled memories- but immediately it seized its movement when his eyes spotted a figure sitting in the far corner of the hut.

He breathed a sigh of relief as Kagome’s tender, gentle smell drifted in his direction. Feeling totally helpless and little less than paralyzed by his mysterious injuries, he couldn’t help but try to seek comfort from his oldest companion. He twisted his head around so that he could see her more clearly.

“Kagome…” His voice sounded croaky and hoarse, his eyes gazed at the figure in the corner, wondering why she was so still. After a small while, when he was about to call out her name again, she shifted and moved closer to his form.

“A-are you feeling okay?” Her voice was etched with worry and full of hesitance as she slowly crawled towards him.

Inu Yasha, immediately dismissing her uncharacteristic silence just a moment ago, let himself close his eyes, and breathed out in content. She was coming towards him now, she’ll make him feel okay. The hanyou loved it when Kagome worried over him. When she fret and fussed over his injuries, his hair, his food, his lack of sleep- he… he felt so cared for. “Of course I’m okay.” But…she would never ever know that.

To prove his statement, Inu Yasha’s eyes slowly opened and he tried to stubbornly sit up. Ignoring Kagome’s acute words of protest, he grit his teeth and pushed his weight up with his hands. A sharp stab of pain shot through his abused stomach, causing stars to dance and twinkle in his eyes. Before he knew it he was back, flat on the mat and taking in short, quick pants and gasps of air. A slow pulse began to pound at his temples, as he speedily became aware of a quick coming headache. He bit his tongue and squeezed his eyes closed, refusing to voice his discomfort, and waiting for the throbbing in his head to pass.

When the worst was over, Inu Yasha took slightly deeper breaths and hopelessly tried to get accustomed to the pain. The trick was to convince yourself that it was normal, and then, try to ignore it. Some of his hair tresses brushed over his bare shoulder when he turned his face away from her. Bare…shoulder…

Not another moment passed before Inu Yasha’s eyes snapped open and suddenly shifted to his torso. A look of horror covered his face as the hanyou realized that he wasn’t wearing his haiori. Before long, Inu Yasha edged his hesitant, disbelieving eyes towards the cuts that covered his arms. They looked more like thin, insignificant cat’s scratches, little mahogany threads that loitered on his pale skin but it was obvious what they were even now, when they were nearly healed. His body seemed to freeze, his mind dimmed into paralysis, and his breath hitched. He’s been found out.

Kagome’s eyebrows dove into a frown of concern. Questions about the very cuts he was looking at this very moment, refused to spill from her mouth. His uncertain, fel gal gaze disturbed her and her stomach clenched into a tight ball. Before her thoughts could carry on any further, his gruff, forced words startled her back to reality.

“Ho-How long have I been asleep for?”

“About th-three days.” She could feel herself shake slightly from the emotion she was experiencing at the moment. Kagome’s glance leaped to his mutilated arms. She had three days to think about things and devise a way to solve this problem. She had three whole days to get all her crying and grieving over and done with. Three days, and she still couldn’t conceive or believe that Inu Yasha was cutting himself.

The hanyou remained in mortified silence, unmoving for several more lingering, long moments. When Kagome’s hand rose nervously to touch his unclothed shoulder, Inu Yasha couldn’t help but flinch away from her untainted, pure fingers.

“Don’t touch me!” He exclaimed in an alarmed manner, as if her contact would scorch his tarnished, dirty skin. He didn’t deserve to be touched by her. He was worthless. He’d gone bellow low, and resolved to self-abuse. There was no doubt that he will be shunned by the society even more than he ever was before. No body needed a hanyou. And it was certain that no body needed a psychologically unstable hanyou.

Despite the overwhelming pain coming from different parts of his body at once, the half demon managed to turn to his side, facing away from Kagome and desperately look for where his haiori might be. Upon spotting a neatly folded bundle of red material lying next to a wall, he forced himself to slowly make his way towards it. Gritting his teeth against the pain Inu Yasha got onto all fours, and with a bit of a struggle crawled towards his haiori.

“Who the hell took my clothes off?!” Grumbling angrily he shakily searched through the pile of cloth. His Tetsaiga lay by the empty futon, abandoned and neglected. Kagome’s lip quivered in shock and misery, as she watched her best friend desperately look for something. She didn’t need to guess twice to know what he was seeking to find. The knife that mysteriously disappeared from her mother’s kitchen, the knife that he stole, the knife that he used to cut himself, abuse himself, hurt himself. Kagome felt a slight tinge in her eyes, as they slowly began to fill with salty water.

“Inu Yasha…why?” The question seemed to go unnoticed, ignored completely as if it was never even voiced. But several moments later, after rampaging through all the pockets and shaking the gown clean of anything that was in it, Inu Yasha seized his movement, becoming completely still.

“You took it didn’t you?” His unnaturally calm voice sent chills down her spine, and pushed her even further over the edge of her controlled manner.

“Why are you doing this to yourself?” Kagome exclaimed loudly, tears finally spilling down her cheeks. Angrily she rubbed the water away, her eyes still strained on her hanyou. Inu Yasha’s stillness broke and her turned around to look at her, but before long he looked back at the floor.

“Doesn’t matter, I’ll just find another one…”He looked like he was musing to himself, just saying his thought process out loud, and entirely ignoring Kagome. The girl quickly wiped off another crawling tear, and hurriedly began to move towards the desolate half demon.

“What is ‘wrong’ with you?!” Her voice quivered with emotion.

“Nothing’s ‘wrong’ with me!” Honey eyes suddenly darted upwards to meet her hazy gray ones.

“Then why?! Inu Yasha –please…please tell me-“ Care and worry radiated from her, he could feel it, but for some reason he had a strong intuition to push her away, it was as if his hair bristled as soon as Kagome got close to him. Suspicions and doubts crept up on his conscience whenever anyone even tried to get to know him- he’s been through this too much. Always getting betrayed, always being hurt. Pushing everyone away was almost second nature to him, a reflex he couldn’t help. And unfortunately Kagome was no exception to this rule.

“Will you just mind your own business?!” His headache was coming back, the rhythmical thumping at the back of his head that drove him to be even more irate than usual. Inu Yasha's ears flattened on his hair as more tears flowed down her pale cheeks. He just noticed. She was so much more pale than usual…maybe the room was just badly lit…Even though, an anger lit up inside of him. Who the hell was he to her?! A book to read! Why was she so god damn nosy?!

”Just stop bothering me! Ugh!” With some difficulty the hanyou stumbled onto his feet, cringing in pain but with a mind set only on getting out and away from this stupid hut. Kagome’s eyes widened in horror, as Inu Yasha began to slowly edge towards the exit supporting himself on the walls.

“Where are you going?”

“Why do you care?” He awkwardly began to pull on his haiori that he picked up from the floor.

“H-Hey! You’re still not recovered-You shouldn’t-“

“I’m fine!” He exclaimed in a decisive and concluding voice, before disappearing behind the flap, and leaving the warmth of the hut.

Kagome lef left alone in silence, as serene morning light shone through the small windows of the ancient building. Unable to help herself, she got up and followed the stubborn hanyou, wishing for her hiccups and tears to go away.

“Inu Yasha!” Swatting the flap aside she quickly rushed forward into the fairly busy village road. Inu Yasha was nowhere to be seen. More tears poured down her cheeks as she exclaimed his name again and again for the next few minutes, hoping against hope that he will respond from where ever he was hiding.

*~*

The hanyou stood behind the corner of the hut, hidden from the main road of the village. Breathing hard from the physical strain he was putting his body under, the half demon promptly ignored the girls voice that persisted on calling his name over and over again. By instinct he wanted to go to her, and calm that distressed note in her voice, but the need to get away from her at the moment was much greater. He felt ashamed and guilty, and he hated it. He didn’t want her to see him like this in her eyes, weak, frail and completely messed up. He hated a lot of things, and pity in Kagome’s eyes was definitely one of them. He didn’t need her sympathy, and he certainly didn’t want it.

A harsh cough erupted from him, and he put his hand to his mouth to muff the rough sound. Small dots of scarlet blood covered his hand when his fit finally seized.

“Shit.” Muttering the curse under his breath, Inu Yasha finally decided that it was safe for him to begin to make his way to the forest. Dragging his feet, and clutching his stomach, the half demon began to take slow determined steps towards the tree’s sanctuary.

*~*

Inu Yasha found himself crouching by a tree, with one hand holding it for support. His world was spinning and his breathing was erratic. More blood covered his hands, and his haiori was soaked through with the warm liquid around the area of his stomach. Feeling on the verge of fainting, the hanyou grit his teeth together, and attempted to take deep controlled breaths while ignoring the numbing pain.

Where was he going? Anywhere, as long as it was away from Kagome’s piercing, judgmental eyes. He needed time to think. He wanted to be by himself for a while.

Gathering enough strength, the injured half demon once again forced his abused body to get up and start walking. But a cold, loud and loathed voice carried to his ears, and caused him to halt in his movement, and freeze in shock.

“Inu Yasha…” Kikyo’s neutral and unemotional stare pieced him as he slowly turned his head to look back at her.

“Kikyo.” His voice sounded hoarse, disbelieve still evident in his eyes.

*~*

Kagome’s sniffles and sobs filled the empty hut that Inu Yasha had emptied hours ago. Where was he? Her tears poured down her cheeks, as she tried to get a hold of herself.

That jerk! He just left! She couldn’t believe he just left! As badly injured as he was, he was probably going to get himself killed before any demon has time to have it’s way with him.

But why doesn’t he tell her anything?! Weren’t they together for over a year now? Didn’t he trust her?! Even with words? She trusted him with her life, her whole being, and he refused to even share what was on his mind with her. More tears poured down her already tear stained cheeks.

Kaede was busy doing something in the nearby shrine, probably blessing some villagers. When Kagome had told her about Inu Yasha's escape, the old miko advised the girl to wait until noon. If he didn’t show up by noon, they would go out and look for him…or his body. A shaking overtook Kagome as she looked down on the floor where she threw the knife that Inu Yasha used to cut himself with.

“Why, why, why, why…” The young girl quietly muttered, clutching her head with her hands.

Several minutes passed before she quieted down and looked at her hands on her lap. She had to stop him doing this to himself. Somehow, she had to help him. Thoughts raced through her head, as she racked her brain for ways to stop him cutting. She had to talk to him. Maybe if she was convincing enough, she could make him stop. A small smile appeared on her lips. Yeah, right. Like talking ever got her anywhere with Inu Yasha. The hanyou was more stubborn than proud.

A thought lit up in her mind. Of course. Inu Yasha was proud…and telling her traveling companions about his ‘problem’ wouldn’t be something he would appreciate. She pulled her legs up and dropped her head on her knees. She really had to battle this all by herself. Inu Yasha sure as hell wasn’t going to help her. And he would hate her if she told anyone about it. Kaede knew about it. But she was not the gossiping type. She most likely understood the hanyou better than anyone alive. So the secret was safe with her.

It was approaching noon…and Kagome had no idea where to start looking for him. Maybe she would go to the God tree, and check there first. He was usually there when he felt like brooding. Most likely about Kikyo.

Kagome inhaled a deep breath. She didn’t know this was going to be so hard! When she heard stories about other’s hurting themselves, she always thought that the logical thing to do was to report it to someone, or go phone the child helpline and ask them for advice. But in her world…when someone was self-mutilating themselves, they were generally attention seeking. The dramatic victims of harsh life! Kagome sniffed down a sob, she couldn’t help thinking that Inu Yasha was more serious about this than that. He was probably suicidal.

*~*

Right. Sorry this chapter is shorter than usual. I don’t know how it happened! I wrote everything I planned to write… But don’t worry, I have a feeling the next chapter will be slightly longer than usual! And there’ll be some fluff too! :)

Now…why’s Kikyo here??? You thought you saw the last of her in chapter 1, ooooh noooo! Hehehehehehe.

Please review! Flames, comments, questions and etc. are all welcome.

Oh and forgot to tell you! I drew a picture of Inu Yasha ages ago, please have a look- http://www.deviantart.com/view/2788315/

And I also have a online notify list thing, so if anyone wants to sign up for it please go here to do that! :) http://kittydemon.notifylist.com/kittydemon.html

Thanks for reading!