Red Lotus

A/N: I'm sure that if I went through this, I would find a million mistakes. I basically have had time to write between midnight and four in the morning. So tired.

Red Lotus

4. The Problem

Sweat was forming at the base of Kagome's neck as she gripped her fingers around the toilet seat . She was panting, tears forming in her eyes, while she prayed her moment of sickness was over. Kagome spent the last hour puking her guts out in terrible agony. Her throat was awfully irritated and each time she gagged, she winced in pain.

No more, no more, she begged in silence

Since she was doing marvelous and going through a maybe miraculous recovery, they were blasting her cancer with more treatments because this was her chance to get better or at least, it would apparently give her more time. Obviously Kagome could not tell them that she did not need the treatments. Instead, she had to put her body through hell all over again. She dreaded each morning with a shiver.

She sensed another wave of sickness coming over and tilted her head forward to avoid making a mess on the floor. It happened again, and again, again.

Moments passed, and they felt like hours, before she finally felt slightly better. She dropped her exhausted body on the ground, her head hitting the floor. She did not even care as a loud echo traveled through her brain. She stretched out her limbs as best she could and closed her eyes. She was tired, so tired.

She was doing better but it had yet to show physically. Her breathing was better but she remained exhausted and all of her body ached. Because of the long amount of time she spent in the hospital, she lost most of her muscles strength. Lifting her own body proved to be a challenge nowadays. The recovery process was never ending. First she needed to beat the cancer, then her body had to heal… then she needed to learn how to do every day things again.

Simply thinking about it made her even more tired. All of this required will power and she was not certain she had any left. Hope was not enough to fuel her at the moment.

Some days, everything was fine. She remembered this light, this hope, she remembered she was going to get better. Then there were the other days; the ones where she felt like giving up because it was too much work to keep fighting. She did not like those days.

Today was one of them.

She could no longer fool herself by thinking that once it was all over, she would not be sad anymore. The moment she became sick, she evolved into a new person. There was no going back.

Pain shot through her body and she groaned. She was no longer able to open her eyes. She wanted to rest. She forgot how intense the treatments were sometimes and she wanted to sleep and wake up once she was better. Yes, that sounded nice.

And she did - or at least she tried.

For a brief instant, time stood still and darkness claimed her. She was half groggy when hands grabbed her shoulders, lifting her upper body off the ground. When she opened her eyes, the light was bright. Not only that but she was also staring at a familiar face. Sesshomaru. He was staring at her, his golden eyes void of any emotions like usual.

Except, he looked different. He had markings which meant he actually looked normal. She welcomed the sight.

Kagome raised her hand, her fingers absently reaching for his face. She always wondered if they feel like skin? Were they soft? She never got to touch Inuyasha's; any time they appeared they had to calm him down before it was too late.

Her index finger made contact with his cheek and she trailed it along one of his magenta stripes. Yes, soft – and fuzzy almost.

She went completely limp in his hold, her body exhausted. It hurt, it hurt so much. Kagome did not recall ever feeling like this. She was going to live but she felt like she was going to die. Maybe death was better.

Mindlessly, she clenched her fingers around his shirt, crisping the fragile silk fabric. She wanted to say, help, but the words never made it past her lips.

Instead, she fell unconscious.

-R-

The chair creaked.

The scent coming from the bathroom was repulsive.

The light was awful and hurting his eyes.

The machines were beeping too loud and giving him a headache.

Despite all these reasons, and many more, he remained at the hospital. He was sitting in an odious green chair right by her bed. Frankly, he had to stay. This hospital's staff was terrible. If he did not found her on the floor and brought her to her bed, how long would she have stayed there?

Also, what did they do to her?

She was supposed to be getting better, not worse.

He was tired of coming to this hospital and everything about it revolted him. Unfortunately, now that he was her husband and she was under his health insurance, his presence was constantly needed. He only wanted to take the Miko home and be done with all of this non-sense. All of his free time was spent here and he was growing aggravated.

As a nurse walked down the hall with a patient, a stench attacked his nose. Sesshomaru pinched the bridge of his nose certain he was going to lose his calm.

He looked at Kagome who was still asleep. Despite the fact that he carefully wrapped a blanket around her earlier, she managed to kick it off. Her sleep was restless. Of course it was; they were killing her. Her body, her powers, knew she was healing. Her cancer was no longer the intruder; the treatments were. They were making her sick and her body was fighting against it.

She was lucky there were no youkais around. He was able to feel her surge of power from the hall. That was when he found her on the floor. Her body was fighting against itself. How could she get better under such circumstances?

Sesshomaru planned she would remain in the hospital until her condition was stable. Unfortunately, the doctors were making her worse. It might be best to take her with him but… she still needed a lot of assistance. He worked fulltime and was not able to give her the care she required. Then again, leaving her here was harmful and would lengthen her healing process.

He sighed, aggravated.

A groan pulled him out of his thoughts and he glanced at Kagome. She was stirring in her bed, trying to open her eyes. Once she finally managed to do so, she seemed rather confused. She looked to her left then her right before her eyes settled on Sesshomaru. A marking-less Sesshomaru.

When did he get here? Did she not – she thought she dreamed he was here.

"You are ill."

She blinked. Well, obviously.

"These treatments are not good for you," he explained while fighting the urge to roll his eyes.

"They're k-ill-ing my c-ancer."

"They are killing you. Your body is better. Those treatments are making you sick."

It seemed she truly could not get a break. If it was not one thing, it was another.

"Wh-at am I supposed to d-o?"

He was still attempting to figure it out. As long as she was getting better, it should not matter if she was miserable at the hospital. Nonetheless, it was getting tiring for him to constantly visit her. Not to mention all the work he missed. Perhaps they could find someone to look after her at his apartment? It appeared to be the most convenient solution for everyone.

"You will leave the hospital now and begin living with me immediately."

"I-am still sick."

"You will get better. It will be faster if you are not here. They are slowing down your healing."

Until he told her, she did not even know that her miko powers were keeping her alive. Sesshomaru was more knowledgeable than her when it came to this subject and perhaps she should listen to him. Although, she thought she would have more time before moving in with Sesshomaru. Apparently not.

"O-kay. How d-o I do it?"

"I will take care of it as long as this is what you want."

She nodded.

Kagome did not know how it was going to work but, if it meant she would be better then she was all for it. She could not stand spending another day throwing up. The memory of her previous sickness was enough to cause her guts to twist.

He rose up to his feet, glad to finally be able to leave the hospital. The horrible stenches were even beginning to make him dizzy. He smoothened the wrinkles on his suit before straightening himself.

"I will return when they allow me to take you…home." The word did not feel natural. He was not sure he liked it.

Even Kagome almost winced.

"T-hank you," she said, regardless.

She leaned her head on her pillow and watched him leave her alone like she did many times in the past. Moving in with him seemed like the perfect compromised when he proposed it. Yet now, she wondered how living with him was going to work. They were very different people. Not that it mattered anymore.

All she knew was that her new life with Sesshomaru was beginning sooner than expected.

-R-

The hospital's staff did not seem happy she was leaving. To tell the truth, they were against it. They did voice that her sudden recovery might be a flux. Regardless, she – actually Sesshomaru – expressed her desire to spend her remaining time with her husband. After three days of discussions and tests, they settled with her having a check up every week or two.

She could hardly blame them. They were trying to save her life after all. How were they to know she mated a strong youkai and she was going to be fine?

Once it was all taken care of, Sesshomaru came to pick her up. As per the law, he escorted her out of the building in a wheelchair and she smiled the moment they stepped outside of the hospital. This was not like that time he took her out. This time, she was never coming back. She was free.

Expectedly, the car ride to his apartment was very quiet. As a matter of fact, she dozed off for most of it. The excitement, the racing of her heart and the rush of adrenaline drained her of her little bit of energy she had left. It was not until she felt the car coming to a stop that she woke up.

Befuddled, she glanced around. It was then that Sesshomaru opened her door and stared at her, piercing through her soul.

"Do you require assistance or are you able to walk?"

Walk? She was not sure she trusted her legs. After all, most of the time she was forced to crawl.

"I do-n't think my legs wi-ll work."

He nodded before snaking an arm around her neck and the other beneath her knees. In one swift motion, he lifted her up and began to carry her to the door bridal style. If Kagome was not so exhausted, she might find this situation funny. It was almost strange how natural the gesture seemed to him.

"Your mother brought most of your belongings last night."

He was forced to call the woman once again since he could not afford to buy Kagome brand new… everything. On top of that, he assumed she would seek the safety of familiar objects during this transition.

Her mom. Maybe she could ask her to visit. This was… her home too now, right?

"Thank yo-u."

Once he reached the door, he put her down on her feet and she slowly balanced herself by pressing her palm against the wall. He unlocked the door and held it open for her. She dragged her feet against the floor, her hands following the wall.

As soon as she was inside she noticed how crowded it was. The living room was filled with a long brown leather couch, a television and other trivial things but what was taking up most of the space was the fact that three file cabinets and a computer desk were stuffed in the corner.

Sesshomaru would never pill things up like this.

"I transformed my office into a bedroom for you," he said as if he could read her thoughts.

"Sorry."

"I offered this arrangement. You have nothing to apologize about."

He dropped his keys into the key bowl by the door and then gestured towards a door. "Do you require further assistance?"

She shook her head. She already felt guilty enough that he gave up his home office for her. When he offered, she thought he had room for her, not that he was going to make some. Maybe it was because she always pictured Sesshomaru as royalty. In her mind, he had a huge house and a pretty luxurious life.

Kagome took little steps, pressing her body against the wall to keep her balance. Her legs were trembling and pain traveled through her body. She felt the urge to pant and her skin became sticky with sweat after a mere few steps. She sensed Sesshomaru was nearby but she never turned around to look at him. She desperately wanted to do this on her own.

Unfortunately, things did not go her way.

As Kagome tried to take another step, her right leg gave up. She hit the ground hard, her rear offering no protection from the shock. Granted that was probably because there was no fat left on her to absorb the shock.

Kagome was not even given a chance to open her eyes before she felt arms wrap around her waist. He lifted her off the ground and pressed her back against his chest. This time, instead of picking her up he threw her arm around his neck. Sesshomaru kept one of his arms around her waist and helped her the rest of the way.

She was proud, he remembered that much.

The salty scent of tears attacked his nose and he figured this was the only way to not wound her pride even more. Kagome's vision was all blurry, tears threatening to fall but she held them back. It was her first day here and she refused to cry already.

It took them a while but they made it to the bedroom. It was simple, nice and elegant. The walls were a coffee color, cream curtains hung in front of the window, a wooden desk was in the corner along with a dresser and a bed with a chocolate comforter was in the middle. However, the detail that caught her attention was the bed's side rails.

All she could think of was hospital.

She was slightly upset and he could smell it. "They can be removed."

He found her asleep on the floor once. He would not get up every night to pick her up if she fell on the ground. This was safer for her until she recovered fully.

She nodded. "Tha-nk you for this. I me-an, yo-u didn't need to spend mo-ney on me."

"I am not poor." He almost sounded offended.

He might not have the means to take care of expensive hospital bills but he did not live in the street either. He made enough to live somewhat comfortably and he could certainly afford to have her around.

"Your mother organized everything. I will have a television brought into your bedroom this week."

He did not quite planned on it but seeing how walking was difficult for her he had no other choice. He imagined it would be rather boring to be locked up in the same room all day. After spending so much time in a hospital, she was probably aching for something more.

"I ca-n just go in the li-ving room."

"Hn." He would buy one regardless. "Do you require any food?"

"I do-n't think I could kee-p it down."

He nodded.

An awkward silence settled between them. She was not sure if she should move and he was not sure if he should leave. This might be her home too now but it would take a while before she was comfortable. Especially since she was now living with Sesshomaru. She did welcome his cold attitude but it was not the homiest feeling.

"I'll be o-kay."

Then he was gone.

There she was.

Home.

-R-

Darkness surrounded her by the time she opened her eyes. At first, she was a little confused. Then, she realized that she fell asleep… as soon as Sesshomaru left her alone earlier. She was still in her clothes, laying on top of the blanket. As she moved around slightly, her stomach began to growl. When was the last time she ate?

She was so terrified of throwing up again that she stayed away from food. It seemed her stomach was not very happy with her.

As if on cue, a silhouette appeared in the doorway. She had to blink a few times to see it was Sesshomaru. He was holding a bowl in his hands as he approached her.

He heard her stir from her long rest and her stomach's growls were also hard to ignore. He never expected her to sleep for that long but he was not complaining. Maybe if she kept this up, it would make their current situation easier. He still had yet to figure out what he would do with her during the day. At the moment, it was around three in the morning. Technically he had to leave for work in four hours. Of course, he could not abandon her by herself in the apartment.

He planned on staying home today. He would like to go to work and earn money but she was his responsibility.

Sesshomaru offered her the bowl and watched as she struggled to hold it. Giving up, she put it down on her lap. Slowly, she slurped at it. Sesshomaru's ears twitched in aggravation but he did his best to ignore the noise.

"Do you ha-ve to work?"

"I do. However, I have taken the day off. You cannot be left alone."

"You can't st-ay here every-day."

"I do not plan on it."

Guilt swirled inside of her. She could work on getting better – faster. Maybe if she got some sort of cane or support, she could move around more. He needed to work and she did not want to get in his way.

"I will be fi-ne on my own."

He shook his head. "I was aware that this would be an issue when I offered."

Kagome knew he probably did not mean it that way but when he used such words she felt like she was the worst burden in the world.

"You can't ke-ep missing work." This was temporary. The moment she would get some strength back in her legs, she would not need anyone to watch over her. "I'm su-re my mother could come over for a li-ttle while."

He remained stoic and she guessed he was thinking over her suggestion. "I'll as-k her my-self."

"If she agrees, I will go to work."

"What ti-me is it?"

"Three."

"I'll ca-ll her in three hours. Does that gi-ve you en-ough time?"

He nodded.

"Thank y-ou for this," she said before pointing at her soup. Hopefully her stomach would allow her to keep it down.

She almost expected Sesshomaru to leave but instead, he stayed by her side. Perhaps it was a habit from visiting her at the hospital. That or he did not trust her to eat her soup without making a mess.

Silence between them was nice before but now it gave her goose bumps. She wanted him to talk, to say anything. He was terribly busy lately and he did not tell her any stories. There was one she was dying to know.

"Why are you a-lone?"

"I have not found a suitable mate."

"All this ti-me and you didn't fi-nd any-one? Did you find any-one attrac-tive?"

He did not know how to explain it to her because he was certain she would not understand. She was human and her feelings ruled her. Also, from what he remembered, she always sought company.

"I will find a mate and have an heir because I need to not because I want to. I have no interest in this triviality you refer to as love."

Her eyes saddened. "Every-body loves someone. Y-you lo-ved Rin."

"I took care of Rin in the same manner I am taking care of you."

No. He loved the little girl. When she came around, Sesshomaru became a new person. She saw it. She felt it.

"F-fine. You might not lo-ve but you co-uld still wa-nt someone."

"I have never felt the desire to rut."

Kagome knew Sesshomaru was not one to feel much but to never even want someone sexually? Did he really love no one but himself? He had honor, he respected laws and pack rules. How could he never feel the need to be with another human being? Loneliness and coldness had to get old eventually.

The thought of him so alone broke her heart.

Even when Inuyasha did not want her, even when he picked death and Kikyo over her, she still loved. She wanted to love. Sesshomaru kept Rin and Jaken around and there had to be a reason for that. She refused to believe he never wanted anyone.

It was too sad.

"You wo-uld just for-ce your-self to be with someone? But if you don't thi-nk they are attr-active…"

"Everything works," he nearly snapped. "I simply have no desire to use it." Usually, he did not mind her question but she was irritating him today.

Oh. So it was his mind that did not want it, not his body?

Now that her health was beginning to improve, her miko powers were more alert and she was able to faintly sense auras again. She knew it was best for her to drop the topic now since Sesshomaru did not seem to be in a good mood. Apparently, this was not his favorite topic.

"May-be you haven't found the ri-ght per-son yet."

"Miko, I have known many people in my lifetime. There is no right person; it is a mere fairytale you humans use to romanticize love."

Five hundred years and Sesshomaru did not change at all. He did not consider himself a human despite the years he spent trying to blend in. He remained a proud Lord Youkai. Did he live alone all this time? Was it why he stayed the same?

"I wo-uld be lonely," she said, ending the conversation.

She quietly resumed eating her food and he remained by her side in silence. She had an opinion about everything. He was not even sure why she enjoyed it when he spoke. His voice lacked emotions and he obviously did not like it.

Life was going to be different.

-R-

Kagome's mother was more than happy to come and help. Although she did not do much during her stay since Kagome mostly slept. Her body was recovering from the treatments and rest seemed to be the only way to go. Miyu did do a lot of exploring and most of what she found confirmed what she already thought.

Sesshomaru was alone.

Inside, there were no pictures, no decoration. Everything matched, everything was cold and lacked life. There was no personal touch on anything. It was very him.

He did treat her daughter right however and she was still very grateful for what he did. Nonetheless, the sight of the apartment brought tears to her eyes. Her baby, her daughter was married – mated even – and none of it was done out of love. She knew Sesshomaru would hold his end of the bargain, that he would let her go if she found someone but…

Despite her daughter having life, she wanted her to have happiness also. Would she let herself have it?

Currently, Kagome was working hard, locked away in her bedroom; she was trying to train her muscles. Miyu gave her privacy and chose to sit in the living room with a book instead.

Her thoughts and reading were interrupted by the sound of the door unlocking. She cast a glance in the direction of the door and watched as Sesshomaru walked in. His day at work was painfully long. Some people did not understand the meaning of private life and shared with everyone that he almost missed work today because his sick wife was coming home.

The annoying humans he worked with spent their day asking him many irritating questions. He ignored all of them but was unfortunately unable to complete tune out their shrieking voices.

Once he felt eyes lingered on his body, he tilted his head to the side. He bowed his head. "Mrs. Higurashi."

"Kagome is trying to get some of her strength back," she said looking at the closed bedroom door.

From where he stood, he could hear her grunts.

"I made dinner. Kagome was not certain if you ate… human food but I figured since you had food…"

He did not really eat. At least, he did not need to but after spending years pretending to be human, it became a habit to eat their food. Usually, he did not have much but he bought a lot of groceries before Kagome's arrival.

"Thank you." He dropped his suitcase by the door and walked further in to the room. "I will find a more suitable way to deal with this situation. I thank you for coming."

Miyu smiled. "She's my daughter. I don't mind looking after her. You've already done enough for us."

"I only did what was right."

"I know."

Miyu rose to her feet and walked towards Kagome's bedroom. She knocked softly before leaning in. "Kagome, Sesshomaru is home."

The grunts ceased and a loud thud followed. Kagome let herself drop down on her bed. Her entire body was coated in a layer of sweat and she was not sure if she ever felt this disgusting before. She spent hours trying to move her legs properly but she failed.

No matter how much effort she put into it, the best she could do was sit on the bed, lean against the wall and give small kicks. Maybe she was trying to do too much the first day. Maybe she needed to give herself some time. It simply bothered her that she was out of her prison but still felt like she was in one.

She was locked inside her own body.

"Mom," she whispered. She did try to say it louder but she had yet to find her voice.

Miyu seemed to hear her and opened the door. "Did you want to get up?"

"Please."

She rushed to her side and helped her to sit. Once Kagome was steady, she grabbed her mother, putting her weight on her, and stood up. She wobbled all the way to the living room, Miyu holding on to her the entire time.

"Hey," she said as she sat down on the couch.

He offered her a silent nod. Sesshomaru did not make pointless conversation, he did not ask about her day or her health.

Miyu glanced at her daughter, then at her husband while a smile tugged at her lips. "Your brother is going to be home soon, I should go back."

"I thank you for your help and the food," Sesshomaru said with a bow.

She dismissed him with a wave of her hand. "Nonsense. It was my pleasure."

Miyu bent down and pressed a kiss on Kagome's forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow."

Nobody asked her to return tomorrow but she knew Kagome still needed help. It was silly to let someone else look after her daughter when she could do it. Plus, for the first time Kagome was not returning home. She planned on enjoying all these little moments with her.

Kagome leaned into her mother's embrace, her eyes closed. Once Miyu pulled away, she forced a smile.

She left quietly, leaving Sesshomaru and Kagome by themselves.

"I didn't kno-w if you a-te," she said pointing at the food.

"Sometimes."

Kagome cast a glance around, examining the room. It was then that she noticed the movies by the television. Somehow, she did not quite picture Sesshomaru sitting down on the couch and watching a movie. Then again, what did he do all night? He probably did not sit down and wait for the morning.

"Movies?" she asked.

"Humans watch movies. It is normal."

"Do you do a lot of th-ings because hu-mans do them?"

"Humans are much harsher towards my kind than they used to be."

He used to think he was almighty, that nobody could strike him down and especially not humans. His pride almost cost him his life. He quickly learned that humans had no honor when they fought. Anything was allowed. They began burning youkais alive, slicing them to pieces, and torturing them in unspeakable ways.

At one point, the only way to live was to flee.

It almost killed him to be such a coward but he had no other choice. It seemed that humans were crueler than youkais. Who would have thought?

The youkais that remained never forgot what happened. The ones born into this new world were told the tales of the past. Over the years, they blended but became less wary of humans. He never put his guard down. He would act like them, he would pretend to be one of them, but he would never be human. He simply went through the motions.

When he told Kagome stories, he never lied but he never chose the gruesome ones. He never told her the horrors he saw with his own two eyes, the monstrous acts that disgusted even him.

"They d-on't know you ex-ist."

"What would they do if they knew?"

Once again, the way he spoke made her heart heavy with sadness. He did not have feelings, he did not wish for love and he did not trust anyone.

"Not every-one would hurt y-ou."

"Not every human is like you, Miko."

She dared to tilt her head to look into his eyes. She was wrong. He was not the same Sesshomaru as in the past: he was a different person. This Sesshomaru sought loneliness even more and was more indifferent to power.

The way he glanced at her made her almost uncomfortable. "How ab-out a mo-vie?"

He never watched any of the movies he owned. Nonetheless, he got up and looked at his collection. He threw a glance her way, waiting for her suggestion.

"Surpri-se me."

He blinked. Surprise her? He disliked surprises. He also was not very skilled at surprises. He dragged one of his fingers down the pile and eventually came to a stop. He snatched out the movie and popped it into the DVD player. Once it started, he resumed his position on the couch.

Sesshomaru did not have to stay. He did not have to watch it. Actually, he had better things to do at the moment. But he stayed.

She was back to being quiet and was no longer asking any questions about him or his past. It was a relief to know that even with her around he could actually relax and not get a headache. Chitchat was not his strong suit.

Kagome stared at the television, her eyes threatening to close. She was very awake a few minutes ago; how could she be falling asleep already? Then again, she did not have the first clue of what was happening inside of her body.

Minutes ticked away and her eyelids grew heavier and heavier.

Then it happened. As soon as she fell asleep, she stopped holding herself up. Slowly, her body leaned to the left and before Sesshomaru could stop her or even move out of the way, she was resting her body against his, her head lying on his shoulder.

Sesshomaru remained unfazed.

She had a fever. He could tell because of the warmth spreading from her body to his. He was not comfortable with closeness. It was irritating.

He looked at her, almost glaring, but she peacefully slept. The proper thing to do would be to pick her up and bring her into her bedroom. His mind was willing but his body did not move.

A sigh rolled off his lips before he re-focused his attention on the television. The entire time the movie played, he did not pay attention. How annoying.

Now, he needed to figure out what it was about.

Sesshomaru dug his elbow in the armrest and then he rested his chin in his palm. He hated movies.

-R-