Silence

And so we continue…and introduce Papa.

Trepidation

By Talon and Salome

He doesn't blink often as he watches Sesshoumaru on his computer. Today Kini put thick socks with stickies on the bottoms of them so they don't slip. He hasn't taken them off yet. Pink is wrapped around both hands and is warm. Sesshoumaru is quiet. The tapping on the computer makes little clicks. The light from the monitor reflects off Sesshoumaru's face. His fur wraps around his back and across his lap, not disguised or pulled in.

"Aren't you bored?" Sesshoumaru says quietly over his shoulder, feeling the little eyes on him for more than half an hour now.

He isn't bored. He isn't much of anything except safe. He isn't hungry or thirsty or tired. He blinks silently at Sesshoumaru.

"You...want some..." What do kids like? He tries to remember. "…ramen?"

No. He isn't hungry. He's...almost happy to just stand here. He does look up though as Papa comes into the room, and he moves closer to Sesshoumaru. Not because he is afraid of Papa, but he doesn't want Papa to pick him up and hug him. Papa's sad scent hurts.

"Sesshoumaru." Tai's voice is quiet, and he takes in the sight of his eldest and youngest child together.

"Father?" Sesshoumaru replies, always respectful yet not overly affectionate with the strong, loving man before him.

"I thought Inuyasha might be with you." He takes a breath. "Before the accident, he had just started pre-school. The doctors suggest that we re-enroll him, but in a different school. So I've contacted your old pre-school and enrolled him." It was a mixed, private school. Inuyasha's actual physical numerical age didn't match up with his age in appearance or maturity, which was common for youkai, and many hanyou. This particular school is mostly populated by children of well off business people and those with important government jobs. It is quite popular now to mix youkai, hanyou and human together. It has not always been so.

Though he shows no outward emotion, his grip on pink tightens. He doesn’t want to go anywhere. Go means car.

Sesshoumaru looks from father to brother and back. "He's your child," he replies at last. But he can't leave it at this. "Don't you think we should keep him at home and get him to...you know...talk first?"

"It's been nearly two months. The doctors believe that being around other children might get him to open back up. He refuses to talk to the child psychologist. He doesn't respond, or hasn't yet to play therapy. School was a happy place for him...before. Don't you want to go back to school, pup?" He smiles at his baby. "Remember school?"

He moves closer to Sesshoumaru. His ears slowly go down. Not school. School WAS a fun place. But it didn't have Sesshoumaru.

"He can't even answer you, father. How will he handle school? The kids will tease him. Teachers will think there's something wrong with his mind..." He shakes his head. "I don't like it."

"As you say, he is my child, and I will make the decisions regarding his life and health. I think it's a good idea." He doubts himself a little though as he looks at his child...his children. "He will have to deal with the outside world. He needs something that he is clearly not getting here. He follows you constantly, and he does not even speak to you."

He won't go anywhere. He hears Papa speaking, but he won't look at him. His ears rest flat to his skull and he turns away from both Papa and Sesshoumaru. He screams and fights when Papa takes him to the doctors. Only Papa can get him to the car and strap him in his car seat. No one else even tries since he put one of the drivers in the hospital. He never wants to ride in a car again. Cars killed Mama. But Papa makes him.

Sesshoumaru sighs and looks at Inuyasha. "What can I do?" he asks with a shrug.

"You can stop acting like I don't have his best interests at the fore of my actions, for starters, Sesshoumaru." He walks over to Inuyasha and kneels before him, putting his hands on the child's shoulders and tips his chin up with the end of his fur. "Puppy..." His heart clenches as Inuyasha turns his face away from him. "He used to run to me and throw himself at my legs." He strokes his boy's pale cheek with one finger. "Do you even know me anymore, Inuyasha?"

Papa and Mama. Mama and Papa. Papa's fur. Mama's arms. He can't look at Papa's sad eyes. His words all go away when Papa's pain is so near. His scent is suffocating.

Poor kid, he thinks. Doesn't even know who he is. And it hurts his father, too. "I'll teach him," he finds himself saying. "I'll...get him to talk again...somehow. I'll get him ready to go back to school."

"Thank you, puppy," he says, meaning Sesshoumaru this time. The boy is his eldest, with almost a century of life under his belt but will ever always be his puppy terror. "He needs to go...even if it doesn't work, they say. I don't know, Sesshoumaru. I thought..." He shakes his head and strokes a soft puppy ear. It stays flat. With a sigh, he turns the pup around and gives him a gentle push. "Go see your brother," he says softly. Perhaps Sesshoumaru is right. Perhaps school right now is premature.

Socked feet pad to Sesshoumaru and stand right next to his legs. He looks up at him. Up and up and up…Sesshoumaru is tall and beautiful. His long hair shines with light from the big windows behind him. His fur curls and twists gracefully. Inuyasha’s amber eyes watch it as his fingers clutch pink.

"Inuyasha," he says, picking up the boy easily in one arm and walking them to his father. "Do you understand how very much our father loves you?" He takes his free arm and puts it around his sad, beautiful father. The pup need not embrace him as well, but Sesshoumaru needs them both to know he does this for the family. As for that...what he did the other night...his lips upon Inuyasha… He does not know where that came from, but it certainly will not happen again. He has no idea what brought him to such an act in the first place.

His boy. He smiles a little and his fur wraps around Sesshoumaru's fur and remembers when Sesshoumaru was as small as this pup. He puts his arms around Sesshoumaru and kisses him softly on the forehead. "My boy," he says quietly. He has grown into quite a man.

Inuyasha blinks. He knows Papa love. But it hurts. It is sharp and broken and he whimpers quietly. The sharpness is Mama’s gone-ness. Papa’s sharp, hard sad fills him instead of Papa’s big, warm, safe love.

"What is it?" Sesshoumaru asks. "You need a hug, too?" He smells Inuyasha's fear but holds him tightly and lets his fur wind around him.

"He's been that way around me since the hospital," Tai says quietly. He had not left his child's side while the boy was recovering. "I don't know why. He was never afraid before."

He pulls pink over his head. Breathing in short, hard huffs through his nose he can smell Mama...under the other newer smells that pink carries, under that was Mama. That helps the sharp brokenness of Papa's scent. A little.

"I...don't know what to do, father," he says, openly. "Whatever is wrong with him, I know he loves you. I can smell it. But he's...frightened...or something. I'd think he would cling to you for dear life now...but..." He gently peels back the worn blanket but does not try to take it from the pup. "There now," he says, "you're safe, little brother."

"I've lost lovers before. But never like this. And never with the child so young. And..." He sighs. "We don't know what happened in between the time the crash happened, and when the paramedics got there. The driver is dead and Izayoi...the only one who could tell us...can't. And we can't help him because he can't tell us. I feel like I'm failing you, baby..." He touches Inuyasha's cheek again...and as always the boy does not flinch from his touch. But he does not seek it either.

He doesn't want to think about the crash, so he listens to Sesshoumaru's voice, and then when Papa talks, he listens to Sesshoumaru's breathing, his heartbeat. When Papa touches him, he blinks, but does not pull away.

"I'm sorry for both of you, father. And I'll do what I can for your...for our Inuyasha." He moves to step back and sit the child in his lap when another thought occurs. "Father," he says, going to the desk and lifting up the paper the boy drew on the other day. "He wrote this. Did Izayoi call him 'Gold' the way my mother calls me 'Silver'?"

He takes the paper and smiles a bit. "Yes. She said he was her treasure, her gold...and that Kin was less of a mouthful than Inuyasha, though we decided on that name together. We had a girl's name picked out, but he surprised us. With those ears...what else could we call him?"

He slips his thumb into his mouth. Papa's sad is less sharp now. Now he can smell the fire in the fireplace. It is western style, Kini says.

Sesshoumaru smiles at his father. "Shall we call you 'Kin' then, little one?" he asks softly, and looks to his father for confirmation.

He looks up at Sesshoumaru, thumb still in his mouth, pink slipping around his shoulders.

"I think...she would like that. Thank you, Sesshoumaru. I have...something..." He shakes his head and leaves...though he keeps the precious piece of paper.

Sesshoumaru turns, his heart in his throat. "This is so hard for him," he says, knowing the child knows and understands as best he is able. "We all need to love each other extra hard now, ok?"

He breathes a little easier with Papa's pain gone from the room, but now Sesshoumaru's pain is hurty. But it is blunter and not sharp like Papa's. Papa hurts, he wants to say. Papa misses Mama and the missing is sharp, even though he has others to love. He knows. Papa's love is big. Mama said that lots, when she explained to him that Papa did not live with them; that he lived with his wife, but he loves them too. Papa's love is big. So his hurt is big.

"Will it make you happy to be called 'Kin' or sad? I don't want to hurt you," he says, feeling unsure of every step with this child. And the urge to press his lips returns as the boy looks up at him. But no.

Kin? He thinks about that. It was Mama's love name for him. Does it hurt? He doesn't think so. His ears have slowly returned to their upright position, and he feels his chest with a cautious hand.

"What's wrong?" His brow furrows in thought. Around the pup he is more given to expressive display. With most others, his voice is more toneless, his face impassive. "Checking to make sure your heart won't hurt too much?"

His ear flicks and he reaches out his hand to touch Sesshoumaru's chest and looks up at him questioningly.

He puts his hand over the pup's. "I don't follow," he says, shaking his head. "Are you afraid I'm going to die, too?"

No. He's feeling for hurt. He thinks for a moment and then kneels up and presses his lips to Sesshoumaru's.

Sesshoumaru would gasp if his mouth weren't covered by warm puppy lips...small...gentle...questioning. He holds the boy close and kisses him, mouth closed and lips pressed firmly, for long silent moments. It feels...right.

He relaxes entirely with the kiss, and when it ends, he lays his head down on Sesshoumaru's shoulder, scrunching pink up under his own chin. His words don't run away so fast around Sesshoumaru. Sometimes they're so close he thinks he can almost catch them, but they still won't work.

"Sensitive little thing," he murmurs with a sigh. "The world's not so kind to sensitive souls," he frowns. "Let's go get some tea." Ever since he was a child, Sesshoumaru has eaten little -- just enough to get by, of bland foods like rice. But he does love tea. His personal kitchen is full of all the diverse and exotic blends he loves to bring home and drink, strong and unsweetened.

Okay. Tea is okay. As long as he can stay near Sesshoumaru. As long as he can do that...everything is okay.

"But you have to tell me, brother. You have to tell me how to help you. I don't want you to go to school now. I know how cruel children can be when someone is...different. Father doesn't know, but I was teased a lot for being 'fussy' about eating with other kids. I always kept to myself and couldn't stand to be around all those smells. I'd stay in the classroom alone and the others would come and taunt me for being 'teacher's pet.' Truth was, the teacher thought I was 'odd,' too. So...so you have to let me in and let me help, ok? You and me?" he asks, tipping up his brother's chin as he carries him down the long hallway.

He blinks at his brother. One ear folds down. He's confused. He touches Sesshoumaru's nose with a careful fingertip, and lets the sounds and smells and movements mingle around in his brain, unsorted. Words do not just escape and hide from his mouth; he often does not understand what people are saying to him, even when they speak directly. Their scents and bodies and tone say more to him than the odd words that filter into his brain.

Sesshoumaru holds still and lets the boy touch him. He shrugs. He wants his Earl Grey. Even if he is ridiculed for his "colonial" tastes.

His fingers stroke down Sesshoumaru's throat, gently. His claws are carefully blunted every morning by Kini when he is bathed. He looks at them against his brother's skin. He moves his hand to stroke the stripes on Sesshoumaru's face. Papa has stripes. But one. And different. The stripes smell like Sesshoumaru.

"You like those?" he asks, giving up on understanding the little broken creature for the moment. It's not his fault life has gotten so shitty so fast. "We've each got our own special thing, eh? No one else has ears like you, that's for sure." He reaches up to stroke one.

The ear flicks under the stroking touch and he leans into it. He likes the touch. He'd even like Papa's touch if Papa's pain wasn't so sharp. The house is big. So big. So many empty rooms filled with things. Mama said Papa was a youkai lord. He doesn't know what that means exactly. Maybe it means that he has lots of children like him. Maybe he is lord because of this house? He looks up at the ceiling.

They near the kitchen and Sesshoumaru groans. He hates the smells and avoids them somewhat by going to his own "second kitchen" beside it. Built just for him, it has only a cupboard laden with expensive bottled waters, a top-of-the-line electric teakettle, a sink, strainers for the loose leaves Sesshoumaru prefers, shelf after shelf of containers of tea, and a wall full of cups, saucers, mugs, and shallow drinking bowls. He clicks on the light and enters with his armful of brother.

He's never been in here before, and he's interested. It smells spicy and blunt and darkish. It's also very pretty. There is mostly white, but there are splashes of color all around that catch his eye, and he points to a very very old, very English tea service, worn and thin and fragile, with roses nearly the same color as his ratty blankie.

He puts his brother down. "Be careful, ok? But you can look around. Pick yourself a cup and I'll make you some of my favorite. Father doesn't like the teas I like. Pale green tea is his thing. But not your big brother's. I'll make you the good stuff," he says, excited to have someone to share his little world with and surprised at his excitement.

He moves pink over his shoulder and finger in his mouth he looks around. So much pretty. But he knows from experience his fingers are clumsy. Mama said...well...she said lots of things. He was only little even if his years were bigger. Mama gave him tea sometimes when his belly was sick, or his nose was stuffy. Different teas. Careful. He is careful. Those pretty cups with pink on them...they smelled old and shattery. So not them. He points to a more familiar Japanese style (but not actually Japanese) bowl...green fired clay with a saucer to match. It doesn’t look like it might go crunch like eggs do.

Sesshoumaru watches out of the corner of an eye. In truth, nothing irreplaceable is on shelves at Inuyasha's height, so he isn't worried. But how interesting that he goes for the green one. It's the one he grabs whenever he wants to feel something solid in his hands, to feel secure and calm. It's plain, well-made, and unlikely to break. He sets the water to boil and goes to the little chair in the corner. In fact, there are two chairs and a table there, though no one but he sits there. Well, except for his mother's visits—few and far between. She does not like tea. She just likes her Sesshoumaru. But her scent is frail in the air here. This room smells like him...and tea...and he likes it that way. "C'mon, pup, bring your cup and then go pick one out for big brother."

He lifts it carefully and balances it in its saucer and takes it over to Sesshoumaru, then returns to look at the shelves some more. They are all Sesshoumaru, he decides. Different parts he has seen since Sesshoumaru came home. The one he chooses is elegant with a gold rim and gold inlayed on the saucer. It is not so fragile smelling he is terribly afraid to touch it, and the metal in it makes him feel safer. And then he pauses, because inside is very very thin jade...and when he touches the outside he realizes that it is not like many of the other cups. It is not the breaking shattering ceramic, but bone beneath his fingertips.

He smiles, an unusual occurrence. As is everything taking place right now. "You choose that one for your brother, do you?" He holds out his hands to take the cup and, once he places it on the table, he grabs the pup and sits him on his lap. "Are you as good as our father at 'reading' objects, little one? Tell Sesshoumaru what this cup tells you." He hears the water begin to hiss in the pot.

He looks up at Sesshoumaru, not entirely understanding his meaning. Words and sounds and smells jumble in his brain, and he has trouble distinguishing separate words from one and other. But things do often speak to him in a way, and he points to the cup in question. But his words won't work. He can't tell Sesshoumaru that the cup is bone...and special bone. So he drags his nails down the inside of his wrist so blood flows from the gouges and he points to the cup again as though his blood is not now dripping onto the table.

"Inuyasha!" he shouts and grabs the child's wrists, clamping down to stop the blood. He grabs a nearby towel, releasing his hand only long enough to place it firmly against the bleeding arm then clamps down again. He swings the boy up and cradles him in his arms. "What the hell are you thinking?" he snaps, more frightened than angry, and carries him off to the nearby bathroom. Sesshoumaru is good in a crisis, but why the hell are they having one? He hears the teapot whistle shrilly as he hastens away from it. Damn it.

He blinks and points at the door with his free hand. The cup. He points to his wrist which is being held tightly with a towel around it, and back at the door. But Sesshoumaru isn’t paying attention.

He gets the child to the bathroom, sits him on the edge of the sink, and carefully opens the bloodied towel. The cuts aren't deep...not too deep...but dammit. Those blunted claws did plenty of damage. "Oh Inuyasha," he sighs. "What are we going to do with you..." He knows the pup -- so unlike him -- has excellent regenerative abilities, and he winces at the thought of what he witnessed only days ago -- what that wretch of a 'nurse' did to his brother... More than once he has wished to be able to heal rather than maim, but we receive the gifts we are meant to receive, his mother always says. He runs the water from cool to warm and reaches for a washcloth, not certain this will do any good at all. "I'm so sorry, Inuyasha," he mutters as he watches the water run.

Sesshoumaru unwraps his arm and runs the water, so he takes that opportunity to bring it to his mouth and lick the gouges. He doesn't know why Sesshoumaru is sorry, but now he's frustrated that Sesshoumaru doesn't understand. He's usually good at understanding his not-words.

The teakettle is still shrill, but quieter now. Soon it will run out of water and shut itself off automatically. He knows the few servants who live full-time with them are out together at a birthday celebration for the cook, so there is no one to heed the kettle's cry. But then, there is also no one to see the blood and Sesshoumaru's own panic at it. He is not one to panic at the sight of blood, but the child's casual, unintended self-mutilation frightens him. He wrings the washcloth and turns to see Inuyasha, licking his wound. The gashes begin to heal almost instantly, and he cannot turn his eyes away.

He feels Sesshoumaru's eyes on him and looks up, tongue still out, then points to his wrist/inner forearm again and then to the door.

Sesshoumaru shakes his head. "I don't know what you want, pup. What is it?"

He scoots off the sink. The gouges are still enough there, and he hurries back to the room and before Sesshoumaru can figure out what he's doing he brings back the cup he'd chosen for his eldest brother and gives it to him. And points to his gouges again.

"Please, Inuyasha, you're wounded." He is on his feet but has not followed and when the pup returns, he takes the cup gently from him and holds it in his hands. "You scared me when you hurt yourself that way. You need to be careful with your body. Not cut yourself. I don't know how it doesn't hurt you, but it's still…not good. Even if you can heal it. Do you understand?" He holds the cup tightly.

His ears go down. He did something wrong, he can tell. Sesshoumaru’s voice is…scared and upset. But...the cup...it was like him...and Sesshoumaru asked...he points again, looking up at Sesshoumaru. He points to the cup and clutches pink and points to his gouges and smears a fingertip of blood and holds it up. His ouches don't hurt. He made them.

Sesshoumaru reaches out to the little hand and drops the cup. It smashes at his feet. He ignores the crash and takes Inuyasha into his arms because he can't stand the numbness in his eyes and the way he touches himself and his heart-wrenching combination of innocence and misery... And he feels somehow responsible for it all, for his brother. "Please, Inuyasha," he whispers into his hair, clutching him tightly.

Now he's just confused. He sighs a little and lays his head against Sesshoumaru's shoulder. Maybe he picked the wrong cup. That wasn't fair to Sesshoumaru. Somehow it wasn't fair. So he presses his face to Sesshoumaru's neck snugly and breathes hot puppy breath there. His hand clings to Sesshoumaru's shirtfront with pink. His ears stay down.