Loneliness

Chapter Four


The tiny rustle that came from beneath his mokomoko stirred Sesshoumaru from his musings. Shifting a bit, he peered through the fur, looking down at the infant curled by his side. He slept peacefully, happily lost in whatever things infants dream of when they sleep.

What are you happy about?

A hauntingly familiar ache returned to his chest, an ache that made the very act of breathing a laborious chore. He knew this question all too well. He had once asked a battered and broken little the same thing several years before, a girl whose light was now forever gone from the world.

At times, Sesshoumaru resented the pup. Hell, sometimes he hated it––hated it for taking his Rin away. He hated it for not being cursed with the painful memories of her. He hated it even more for making him feel so horribly inadequate.

He had never felt utterly and totally lost in all his life and it sickened him. He had no idea how to care for an infant. Countless centuries of existence did nothing to prepare him for this. Caring for Rin had been so much easier. She was much older when she began traveling with him and despite her tender age at the time, had been very proficient in tending to her own needs. He needed only to protect her and allow her to stay by his side.

And he did.

He would have let her stay forever. He wanted her to stay forever. He wanted to care for her, rescue her, love her for the rest of time.

Sometimes, things simply were not meant to be.

He was overwhelmed by the sudden, desperate desire to hold her. He needed to hold her. If the gods would only grant him just one more moment with her, then perhaps everything would be all right.

He could almost taste her on his lips again.

His throat tightened. Fire burned deep in his chest. He could feel his eyes misting over, tears threatening to fall again. A dark growl escaped him as he bit his bottom lip, trying to command normalcy from himself.

Damn them all . . . these wretched emotions and this fucking treasonous body.

Some days, he would rather spend eternity in Hell than live like this . . .

The sinister darkness crept into his mind again. He had thought about it several times over the past months. Yes, it would be so easy, so gloriously simple . . . ending it all. He could dispatch the infant in less than a second; a mere flick of his wrist would snap the boy’s neck. He would die almost immediately. His death would be mercifully swift.

His own end would not be so pleasant. He would eviscerate himself. He could almost feel the searing pain shoot through him as he thrust Bakusaiga into his side. He could hear the flesh tear as he drew the sword across his abdomen. He saw the pools of blood and entrails cascade from the massive wound like a crimson waterfall as he collapsed to the ground in agony.

The ghastly images brought a sadistic smirk to his face. Oh, it would certainly be painful and it would be very slow, but it would be effective. The flesh would not heal. Blood loss or shock, he cared not to which he succumbed first, so long as he died, and he would most certainly die. Then, they would all be together . . .

Oh, how gloriously simple . . .

NO!

Sesshoumaru’s eyes slammed shut as he forced the morbid thoughts from his mind. He clenched his hand into a tight fist, claws digging deeply into his palm. Tiny crimson rivulets trickled from the punctures, staining his hakama where his hand rested on his knee.

He growled in frustration. Suicide was the coward’s way out of this. There was no honor in it, not for the self-centered reasons he had. He was afraid––afraid of his pain, afraid of not knowing how to care for his son, afraid of living without her. He had never allowed his fear to consume him, to control him, like this. He had no intention of succumbing to it.

Infanticide was a far greater abomination. It would be a far more revolting act to kill the infant, a pup who he had help bring into this world; a boy who had done nothing to him save try to exist. No, Rin’s death was not the boy’s fault and Sesshoumaru would not punished him for it. He was not such a low being. He would fight the urges.

He would fight them for all eternity, if necessary.

Rin deserved it from him.

Perhaps the infant sensed his father’s pain. Perhaps he was merely cold or restless. Whatever the reason, the boy babbled softly, snuggling more deeply into Sesshoumaru’s side. The act was oddly comforting. He opened his eyes to look at the spot where the pup lay and sighed. He tucked the child in before returning his gaze skyward.

The boy himself was a most peculiar creature. He was actually quite a handsome child, lacking the deformities commonly associated with hanyous. Instead, the pup bore an uncanny resemblance to his father––golden eyes, elfin ears, faint markings on his forehead, cheeks and wrists whose hues would darken as he aged. Yes, almost all of the boy’s physical traits came from his father––everything save the raven hair crowning his head.

Gifts from his mother . . . the hair and this strange personality.

Yes, the way the boy acted was a greater oddity to Sesshoumaru than his appearance. Though he had only begun to crawl, this child seemed to be fueled by an endless stream of energetic jubilance. He was almost always happy. Very seldom did he cry. When he did, it was always a soft whimper, never the ear-piercing shriek most often heard from infants and small children. Sesshoumaru simply could not fathom how the child who had lost so much so early in his life could possibly be happy.

Perhaps he expected too much of the pup. How could the child possibly remember a woman he never met? How could someone only moments old remember nearly dying?

How the boy had survived in the first place was a question Sesshoumaru had long since stopped trying to answer. After several weeks of tedious observation, he had discerned that the strange miko’s home dwelled in place beyond the old Bone Eater’s well. He also learned, through trial and error, that the miko and his brother were the only two people able to travel through it to whatever realm lay on the other side.

Inuyasha, the miko and, on only one occasion, his son.

In his search for answers, he had even gone so far as to “ask” his brother to “help” recreate the incident.

Flashback ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What is your secret?

Sesshoumaru stared in puzzled irritation at the strange opening in the ground. He was no closer to the answers he sought than when he first started. He ignored the prickling sensation at the back of his neck as he sensed his brother’s angry approach.

Like lightning, a wonderful idea struck him, one that bordered on the edge of genius. He looked at the child in his arms and whispered softly, “Little one, we shall have a bit of fun with your dear uncle as he helps us with our investigation.”

With all his typical class and style, Inuyasha burst into the clearing, muttering curses under his breath. “Sesshoumaru, what the hell are you doing here? What do you want with the well?”

“Inuyasha, what a fine way to greet your older brother. And to think, I thought we had finally moved past all our petty differences.”

“Feh, whatever, you delusional bastard. Whaddya want?”

“I require your assistance,” he replied coolly as he walked towards his brother, handing him the pup.

“Ohhhh, no!” Inuyasha shouted. “You and me, we’ve had this discussion already. You said that you were keeping the kid. There is no way that I’m letting you back out of this. I’m not babysitting this brat of yours for all eternity.”

Sesshoumaru fought the urge to roll his eyes. “As if I would leave my son with the likes of you for that long. Jump in the well.”

A blank stare fell over Inuyasha’s face. “Huh?”

“I did not stutter. Jump in the well.”

“Why? What the hell are you doing anyway?”

“An experiment. I grow tired of repeating myself. Jump in the well or this Sesshoumaru will throw you in.” His eyes narrowed angrily. “If you drop my son, I will kill you.”

“Like you could kill me if you wanted to,” Inuyasha spat. “You’d have to cut off my arms and legs before you’d even have a chance.”

“I will keep that in mind. Now, will you enter of your own volition or not?” Sesshoumaru felt a light throb in his right temple. He truly hated dealing with Inuyasha. It was unnecessarily tiresome.

Inuyasha released an exasperated huff. “Will it make you go away?”

“Most expediently, little brother.”

“All right, all right,” he muttered as he walked to the edge of the well, “so long as it gets rid of you.”

He looked down at the infant. “Kid, I hope you’re nicer to your uncle Inuyasha than that jerk over there,” craning his neck in his brother’s direction.

The pup giggled, happily clapping his hands as he watched something over his uncle’s shoulder. Inuyasha turned his head in time to see the source of the excitement just before said source hoisted him into the air and unceremoniously tossed into the well.

Twisting in the air, Inuyasha managed to avoid crushing the infant when he hit the ground, instead landing flat on his back, the pup pulled to his stomach. His eyes shot daggers at the silhouette of his brother, looking down at him from the top of the well.

“DAMN IT, SESSHOUMARU! WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?”

An excited squeal erupted from the pup. The kid was having the time of his life.

“You were taking too long,” Sesshoumaru said, jumping into the well. “This Sesshoumaru has more important things to do than to wait all day for you to perform a task that takes less than a minute.”

He knelt beside Inuyasha and in one graceful motion, took his son into his arms and leapt to the surface.

“ARE YOU JUST GONNA LEAVE ME IN HERE?”

“Do not act like more of an idiot than you already are, Inuyasha. You are uninjured. Certainly you can get out of that well on your own.” Sesshoumaru looked at the boy cradled in his right arm. “Come, little one. Your father has the answers he needed.”

“YOU ASSHOLE! GET BACK HERE!”

“SESSHOUMARU!!!”

Sesshoumaru ignored the ruckus left in their wake, turning his attention to his son instead. “Did you enjoy playing with Uncle Inuyasha?”

The boy babbled and nuzzled his mokomoko.

End Flashback ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They had been unable to reproduce the event. He finally resigned himself to the fact that one strange twist of fate allowed his son to travel through the well. Its purpose served, the well reverted to only allowing the passage of the two original travelers. He left it at that. Thinking upon it further would only leave him with another headache.

Besides, it left him free to consider matters of greater importance.

The poor pup still did not have a name. He had been on this earth for seven months and he still had no name.

What the hell kind of father fails to name his own son?

Truth be told, Sesshoumaru had no idea what to name the boy. He and Rin had not discussed the matter prior to their son’s birth, not that he had not given it any thought at all, for he had. He simply had not thought about it frequently enough or in great enough depth for him to raise the topic in conversation. He wondered if Rin had had any suggestions.

He wished he had thought to ask her.

It was just another item on his mile-long list of regrets.

Sesshoumaru again rested his head against the rough bark of the tree, blowing a few errand bangs out of his eyes. Many long nights had already been spent pondering the question of a name since taking custody of his son; countless kanji combinations traced in the sand, later erased in irritated disgust. He cared for none of the names that came to mind as none of them seemed to truly suit the boy. He absently traced his own name into the dirt.

Sesshoumaru.

Depending on the reading one chose, the kanji could be translated in a variety of ways––cruel, heartless, perfect killer, destroyer of life. Not one was positive, but the name suited him. Rather, it suited him at one time––before her. He lived for nothing, for no one, save the quest for a power he unknowingly possessed, for a battle with an adversary that did not exist beyond the confines of his own mind. She awakened so many things inside him, emotions buried centuries before. She thawed the heart most thought did not exist, he included among their ranks.

He resurrected her.

She brought him to life.

An unusually warm breeze wafted by, carrying a few stray flower petals in its embrace. His eyes followed the odd sight as the petals floated into the distance. He smelled her in the air. When had his imagination become so vivid? A half-hearted snicker escaped his lips at the thought.

Rin had never thought he was such a terrible being. Perhaps it was because she never saw that side of him. He sheltered her from that particular darkness, never exposing her to how truly vindictive, merciless or evil he could be. She never knew how he reveled in the terror he invoked in his enemies or anyone who had the misfortune of crossing his path at the wrong time. She never knew he killed for sport or how much pride he took in his own ruthlessness. She never knew of the sick, near-orgasmic thrill he felt when he tasted the blood of his victims, licking it from his fingers just to taste their lingering fear of him. She knew nothing beyond what she was told by Jaken, most of which she passed off as hyperbolized drivel.

She was never once the target of his wrath, but she was not so naïve, so sheltered that she knew nothing of him at all. She knew how powerful he was, what he could do when provoked. She knew even the gods themselves could not protect from him those who wished her harm. He fought them all in her name, in her defense, for her honor.

He was a hero, if only in the dark brown eyes of one human girl.

As hard as he may have tried on his darkest days, he could not forsake her. He could not forget everything she had given him. Even in death, she would always be his refuge, his strength, his life, his joy.

Joy.

He thought about the word for a moment, and then brushed his own name away, hurriedly tracing two new characters in the dirt.

Yoshimaru––joyful one. He was pleased with the name. He was sure Rin would have been as well.

The ever-lightening shades of violet gracing the eastern sky caught his eye. Fuchsias and pinks crept across the horizon. Dawn would soon break. He looked at the pup still sleeping at his side. His son would wake soon.

Sesshoumaru gently stroked the pup’s dark hair with his knuckles. “Little one, from this day forth, you shall be known as Yoshimaru, heir to the Western Lands, son to myself and Rin, the one woman who has ever brought me happiness.”

He turned his gaze to the east and watched the sun continue its journey into the sky. Loving her did not hurt as much it had a few short hours before. Perhaps this would be one of the better days. He could almost feel her smile again.

In a distance place, a plane far removed from this world, a beautiful raven-haired woman with chocolate eyes did just that.

~~~~~~~Owari~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: It is finished!! Finally!! Between work and writer's block, I wasn't sure it would ever get done.

Thanks to seru, Arizonabay, Sesshoumaru and sessy-rin (from deviantart) for your reviews. I hope this last chapter does justice to all the positive comments you've given me.

As always, reviews are greatly appreciated.