Love after Loss

Standard disclaimers apply.

A/N: Thanks to all those who reviewed last chapter, and it seems to me like everyone is keen on how the divorce between them came about, and this chapter will seek to explain. Also, you get to see Kagome’s psychological sufferings of the divorce, despite her appearing to be alright. Citrusy content later on, read at your own risk! Personally, I believe what is disturbing is not the actual lemony stuff, but more of the emotions behind. Read on, and review!

Title: Love after Loss

Chapter 4: The Gnawing Pain


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Sitting alone on the quiet and barely filled bus, Kagome peered out of the glass to look the whizzing blur of darkness on the other side. It was times like these where there was nothing to look at, nothing to focus on, that her traitorous mind would summon all the excruciating memories and the harsh reality of life back to her.

Involuntarily, her ex-husband and her daughter would always haunt her mind. She could not shake them off, no matter how hard she wished she could.

Seeing him today again after such a long period of time definitely did not make things easier for her. Sure, it was the best news that he was so willing to play a part in saving Rin’s life with her, but that also meant his constant presence in their lives in the days to come. After all, he had no intention of breaking the promise he made to Rin.

Why does this scare her so much? Why does this make her feel so forlorn and yet so joyous at the same time? Sometimes she could not understand herself.

The bus came to a sudden halt at the traffic light, and Kagome lurched forward slightly, only to drop her purse on the floor. Bending to pick the opened purse up, Kagome’s hand froze momentarily above the item before picking it up with renewed determination.

For facing her from the purse’s compartment, was none other than a photo of Taisho Sesshoumaru. It was not exactly a photo either, for she brought none of those with her when they separated. Instead, it was something she came to regret later, for the photo was actually a magazine clipping. He appeared constantly enough on magazines and newspapers, to the point where she could not forget him even if she tried, for she worked at Kinokuniya bookstore.

Looking at his stoic face, she recalled the days when they were actually once happy and loving.

It was like a fairy tale, really. Sounding absurd but yet so possible.

She was working at the marketing department of Taisho Holdings; initially as a third rank manager a few years after her graduation from college with a degree in Business administration.

A young, spirited woman who knew no boundaries to her future, Kagome worked hard, working for what she aimed for in life and constantly dreaming of challenging herself to do better. Of course, in a highly meritocratic society like Japan, her efforts were all well paid off. In fact, by the age of twenty-seven, she became the assistant general manager of her department, being highly valued by her seniors, such as Mr. Toutousai, who personally recommended her for the post before his retirement.

Work was never seen as a chore to her, and it only took one event to change her life completely. That was the event when she led a small team to save Taisho Holdings from losing more than fifty million US dollars, using her expertise in strategic marketing. That event was where she found herself crossing paths with their then COO, Taisho Sesshoumaru.

It was a high profile courtship, with Sesshoumaru having no qualms as to what he could do to get this impressive beauty he fell for in the office. Kagome arrived daily at work punctually to a delicious home cooked breakfast, a bouquet of flowers or an occasional soft toy and a note asking if she would go out for lunch with him. He did not play the anonymous game either, for at the bottom of the note, it was always neatly signed off with a “Taisho Sesshoumaru”.

She fell for him too easily, for there was nothing holding her back from this man. He was successful to say the least, attractive, professional, and most importantly, he made his feelings for her known. He did not play mind games to keep her guessing, and that did suit what others said of him; Young Mr. Taisho was never one to beat about the bush. His little creative touches to his courtship of her were interesting too; it made her feel unique and valued. There was once when he actually served her coffee during tea break, taking over the duties of her secretary.

Everyone thought it was a fairy tale set in the heart of modern Tokyo. It appeared to be a match made in heaven, between two who could match each other in the eyes of public so well. Only that crack lines began to surface in the second year of the marriage, leading to the weak foundation that totally crumbled after a mere three years of being together. Rin was barely two when they filed for divorce.

It began three months after their marriage, when Sesshoumaru’s father surprised everyone with his sudden decision to retire and spend a few years at Hokkaido, enjoying life at its basics. The former CEO’s sudden departure rocked the entire executive and management level, and just like the next step in a game of chess, Sesshoumaru took over his father’s position as the CEO of Taisho Holdings’ board, before reshuffling his cadre of subordinate executives.

Kagome was given a promotion to the rank of Chief Marketing Officer, with a direct reporting relationship with the CEO. No one made any objections to her promotion despite knowing she was the CEO’s wife, for she had more than proven her capabilities and potential over the years to everyone. Furthermore, her friendly character, never overbearing, brought about the amazing effects of her enjoying excellent interpersonal relations with her colleagues.

The next four months of working together closely with her husband was the best time of her life at Taisho Holdings, and together, they brought their company to heights never preceded by anyone else. Everything was going fine, despite Sesshoumaru’s increasingly busy schedule that looms as a shadow over their marriage, until Kagome noticed the absence of her monthly period.

While work had been terribly hectic for the young, high-flying couple, their married life was hardly affected. After all, life revolved around two individuals who could easily understand each other’s situation at work, and that made things easy for them. The love was there, the work was there, and the sex was nothing less than she could ever wish for. Sure, they had their fair share of arguments and bickers, but it was nothing that could do lasting damage. Not even when a friend from college, Kouga, tried to pester her all over again after meeting her at a conference meeting with his company. Of course, that was a minor issue, and the couple was not at all affected.

It was only when she noticed the absence of her period, did she remember the occasional nights she skipped taking the contraceptive pills, only to spend the entire night making love with Sesshoumaru.

But…things could not be so coincidental, could they? But just like any coincidence, it was totally coincidental. Kagome found herself slightly more than a month pregnant, seven months after they were married.

Sure, like all first time fathers, Sesshoumaru was thrilled to know about Kagome’s pregnancy. But it was precisely what he did out of love for her that led to the first step their marriage took towards demise.

He took her off his cadre of executives, replacing her with her subordinate in the marketing department. On top of that, he made the fatal mistake of not telling her beforehand.

She thought him to not understand her at all.

He thought she would understand him.

Heated fights ensued, and both said things they regretted saying later on. Such included phrases like “Chauvinistic bastard”, “unfeeling idiot” and “Know your place, woman”. Kagome could not get over the fact that he expected her to stay at home and quietly grow big with his child. Sesshoumaru could not comprehend why Kagome could not see his objectives despite her being such an elite member of his team.

To make things worse, being both of a strong character, neither made the first move to clear up this misunderstanding. So despite things appearing to be alright after some time had passed, the underlying damage already existed.

As he worked hard to cope with the increase in his workload, she was left alone at home with almost no involvement in her job, and all of a sudden, for the first time in six years since she started working, Higurashi Kagome found herself having nothing to do in the huge residence. She questioned herself, and she found no purpose in her new form of existence. He did not fire her; neither did he allow her to do anything about it. She wished she could yell at him, “You are not the boss of me!”, but the fact remains that he was indeed, her boss.

At this point, the bus came to a stop near her rented apartment, and Kagome alighted, walking down the street that leads to the place she called home.

As her feet shuffled along, she recalled the months she spent in dreadful loneliness, while he went out at seven and only came back around midnight everyday. When he left she was asleep, and when he returned, she was asleep as well. Such was the horrible situation of their life together after her pregnancy and his temporary termination of her work at Taisho Holdings.

Or at least, what she thought was temporary.

It was only later that she found out from him that her job had not been temporarily terminated until the child was born. In fact, he wished for her to play the traditional role of a good Japanese mother and devote her life to caring and raising the child, just like his own mother did.

He had plans for everything in life. Every single detail.

Unfortunately, she had too, and their plans clashed in the worst ways possible.

Following the birth of Rin, things did not improve much. Sure, Sesshoumaru made as much time as he could for the two of them and Rin brought joy, but to an upset Kagome, his efforts were not noticed. In fact, the only thing she could see them as was insufficient.

He thought he was already sacrificing a lot.

She thought she sacrificed too much, and he, not at all.

This led to another bout of horrible fights. From simple lack of time, things escalated to the point of the word “neglect” being used. Perhaps not financially, but emotionally and physically.

Following even more disagreements and Kagome’s secret desire to return to the work force, faced with Sesshoumaru’s steely objection against that, their relationship came to a bottleneck. Because of this, and their very creative usage of vocabulary due to education, both blamed each other for what was their “irreconcilable differences”.

To make things even worse, Kouga once again stepped into the picture to harass Kagome, and to an irate Sesshoumaru, the word “infidelity” popped up. It made him say words which left her crying, and the damage once done, was hard to undo. It was all these combined problems that led to their parting, just like how a lake could never freeze over in one night of cold, their issues were accumulated to what both believed to be the breaking point.

Still young and ambitious then, Kagome initiated their divorce, stating reasons for her inability to live around him. She felt as if he was her obstacle to everything in her life, and if he was gone, she would get everything back. But she failed to notice that sometimes, she was the obstacle to herself. If only she would look properly, she could see her own mistakes. But of course, she failed to, and they stepped onto the path of a divorce.

Inwardly sighing at the way things turned out, Kagome inserted her key into the keyhole and turned, pushing the door to her small apartment open.

Her thoughts of Sesshoumaru were now no longer filled with the anger she felt then, but instead, more of a loneliness echoing in a void which only he seemed capable of filling. Today, after seeing him again, she somewhat regretted her earlier decisions. He was not her obstacle. Without him now, she was more miserable than ever. She was also no longer the young, spirited woman she once was. In fact, she was jaded and tired of the way things were, especially when Rin fell prey to the evil claws of cancer. Seeing how he still cared for Rin made her feel terribly guilty for trying to hide her from him.

Nothing was going well, and it only made her feel more forlorn than ever. She did not know what exactly it was, but she thought herself to be a little depressed. It was going in a sick, vicious cycle of angst, and there was hardly anything she could do to make herself forget. There was one way though, but it only made her hate herself all the more every time she did it.

She removed her clothing article by article, before laying herself down completely nude on the bed. The feeling of cold sheets against her skin was something she had grown so accustomed to, and leaning to her side, she pulled open her side drawer to retrieve what accompanied her for countless lonesome nights – a vibrator which she had been using since their marriage started crumbling.

Opening the cap to the half-empty tube lubricant, Kagome bit her lower lip as she applied it to her own nether regions, feeling the cold gel against her sensitive skin.

She closed her eyes, running her hands over herself in a bid to recreate the feelings only he could bring about, caressing the areas which he used to find so attractive in her, such as the curve of her breasts. It felt nothing like he used to be able to evoke in her, but she hung on stubbornly, trying to recall his face, his voice and the words of endearment he would whisper to her.

She missed the feeling of his mouth on her breasts, tongue circling the sensitive nipples while his fingers worked their magic at her lower regions, the feeling of his warm breath mingling with hers as they coupled on cold nights, and many more details about him.

Rolling a nipple between her fingers, Kagome tried applying pressure to find the feeling she missed so much, desperately trying to fool her mind into believing it was a certain man who was doing all these to her. Meanwhile, keeping her thumb pressed tightly against her clitoris, she slid her middle finger into her vagina, before an involuntary moan was drawn from her mouth.

“Sess…” She whispered, and she did not know when, but a lone tear escaped the confinements of her closed eyes to slip down her cheek to stain the sheets underneath. Her thinner finger, and her longer nail felt oddly different from how his felt in her body, but she would fool herself despite the obvious discomfort. She always did.

However, perhaps it was because she saw him in person today that she was unable to lie to herself. Somehow, reality was making sure that she did not get away with fooling her own mind and body again.

Drawing the finger out, she pushed some of her hair away from her face, before reaching for the trusty vibrator that sat by her pillow. Holding it in her hand, she placed the tip at her artificially-lubricated vagina, before heaving back a dry sob. Hot tears escaped in greater amounts as if with a vengeance, as she pushed the vibrator in, bit by bit until it was buried to the hilt. She cried as it did, not that it hurt, but only because it felt so meaningless, so cheap and so helpless to be doing this.

Another moan escaped her lips as she turned on the switch; before her head collapsed heavily back onto the pillow with the momentary pleasure of the act. Again, she kept her eyes shut tight, trying to imagine his face.

The vibrations did manage to bring her body physical pleasure, for it wasn’t long before Kagome was gripping tightly on the edges of the sheets, breathing hard and gasping while her head tossed from side to side.

At this point, her hand hit something on the side table, and it fell with a thud onto the floor.

Kagome’s eyes flew open, while she cast a sideward glance at the item on the floor. It was her purse again, and what greeted her was his face. The same, handsome face she was trying so hard to conjure up in her mind.

“Sess…” She closed her eyes. It was futile, really. The physical pleasure only submerged her deeper into her abyss of angst.

Holding back a moan, she pulled the vibrator out of herself, before switching it off and tossing it to the side. She hated herself for being like that.

Why did life have to do this to her?

Picking up the purse, she ran her fingers over his photo, before placing a dry, quivering kiss on the cold plastic.

It offered not an ounce of comfort.

It was only then when she curled up into the fetal position and cried uncontrollably, until sleep took over.

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To be continued…

A/N: Gosh. I surprised myself with how deeply emotional this was…it is starting to scare cranky me! Can't believe I wrote something like that. But of course, it was nonetheless an enjoyable chapter to write, and I can only hope you guys like it as well.

Thank you to all who reviewed! You keep me going!:)