This is Gonna be a Pain in the Ass

A/N Thanks for the reviews, and on with the show.

Chapter 3 – Another Goal Bites the Dust

Five days later, Miroku hummed pleasantly to himself as he sat by Sango, casting glances at her blushing face next to him as he paused in eating. He hummed a little more and put his bowl down, starting to reach in her direction.

“I swear, Monk, if you fucking touch Sango I will tear off your arm.” Inuyasha growled from across the way. Stupid bastard didn’t have any suggestions on making love during a woman’s monthly, then he didn’t deserve the sex he was getting.

Miroku stopped and cast him a surprised, slightly offended look. “I will touch my own wife if I wish.”

“Not fucking today you won’t. I suffer, you suffer.” Inuyasha scowled, wondering how much he wanted to say. He hadn’t been sure until today, but now he knew exactly why Sango hadn’t started bleeding, and it pissed him off. He felt like he’d somehow lost a manliness contest or something.

“Eh?” Miroku’s face went from offended to confused just as Inuyasha yelped.

“Hey!” Inuyasha rubbed the back of his head where Kagome had just slapped him. “What was that for?”

“It’s to make you be quiet!’

“Can’t you think of something else? That hurt, dammit!”

“Good!” Kagome shot back, glaring a little, and Inuyasha leaned away from her slightly.

**Uh, the mood DOES stop when the bleeding starts, right?**

I thought so, replied his conscience. But…better be safe.

“Uh…yeah. Sorry then. For whatever.” He watched her humph to herself and turn back to her food, and he sighed in relief.

Miroku and Sango exchanged glances again, shrugging. Shippou followed his wont of late and just kept his head down until the fireworks ended.

A few minutes passed before Miroku’s hand drifted in his wife’s direction, and Inuyasha growled low in his throat. “I’m serious, monk. Don’t. Touch. Her.”

“Inuyasha, there is nothing and no one in this world who has the right to keep me away from my own wife.” Miroku glared at him and deliberately continued to move towards Sango.

“I’m warning you, Miroku. You had better not…Oh damn.” Inuyasha stiffened, his nose wrinkling as his brother’s scent hit his nose.

“Inuyasha…I sense…I think it’s almost the entire jewel,” Kagome whispered, her eyes huge as she looked at him.

The potential implications hit him immediately.

Naraku was dead, and now his brother and the jewel were showing up together.

“That fucking, pretentious asshole! HE’S the one who killed him! Ohhhhh, he is SO damn DEAD!” He jumped to his feet, turned to gripe at Kagome to stay behind him…

…for once…

…and his heart dropped to his stomach as he stared at her. His brother was coming. His human hating brother, who loathed Inuyasha for his mixed blood, was coming. To here. Where Inuyasha’s very human mate, a woman capable of even further ‘diluting’ his father’s blood, was standing, oblivious. And Inuyasha’s scent was all over her. Icy fear pierced him painfully and he yanked Kagome up off the ground. Gods, he had to get her out of here! Sesshoumaru would kill her!

Sesshoumaru on a bad day was an almost impossible opponent. Sesshoumaru with the power of an almost complete jewel?

“Shit, shit, shit! Miroku, you need to…SHIT, you don’t have the damn wind tunnel! Dammit all to hell!” Miroku and Sango were on their feet, Kirara already transformed next to them and guarding Shippou.

“Inuyasha, what…” Miroku’s voice trailed off as Inuyasha shoved Kagome into his arms. Finding himself nose to nose with a woman who was not his wife for the first time since he’d married, Miroku froze. He stared at her in shock, looking into eyes as surprised and confused as his own before he pushed her frantically away. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t done it himself, he really wasn’t sure Sango would understand him embracing another woman and he looked over in a panic, wondering what was going to hit him next. She was readying her hiraikotsu, completely unconcerned, and he sighed in relief. Frankly, what Sango might do to him if she thought he was contemplating infidelity was a lot more frightening than whatever was making the demonic aura steadily growing closer.

“Take her away!” Miroku, Kagome, and Sango looked at Inuyasha as though he’d lost his mind. “Dammit…here, I’ll do it myself. Fuck!” Inuyasha grabbed Kagome back and tossed her onto Kirara’s back. “Go! Just…head for the fucking well and don’t stop until you’re on the other side, got it! I’ll come for you as soon as I can. If I don’t show up, don’t come back.”

Kagome paled. “Inuyasha, what are you saying…”

“JUST FUCKING GO! You don’t come back unless I come get you, got it! Not ever! Understand?!” Inuyasha looked at Miroku and Sango who had come up to them both. “You too! Get on and go. You –“

Looking past him, Sango’s skin paled rapidly and she took one shaky step forward. “Kohaku? I-is that you?” Her voice was thin.

**Kohaku? I thought it was Sesshoumaru!!**

Well turn around and see, dumbass! His conscience yelled.

Inuyasha whipped around and swore. Kohaku AND Sesshoumaru. “Take the women and the kit and go, Miroku,” he said out of the side of his mouth. “I’ll hold him off for as long as I can.”

“I’m not leaving you to face this alone, Inuyasha.” Miroku murmured back as he came up beside him. “We can both buy time for Kagome to retreat on Kirara, and Sango…she won’t leave without Kohaku. You know that.”

“Then fucking MAKE her, you moron.” Inuyasha snarled.

“Inuyasha, I will not…”

“Look, I can smell her. She’s breeding, you idiot!” Inuyasha yelled, and everyone, including Kohaku and Sesshoumaru, froze.

Miroku stared at him. His mouth opened silently a number of times before he managed to force out actual sounds. “B-breeding? I don’t…I… breeding?” his voice went up an octave on the last word. “But I…are you certain??”

“YES! Now get her out of here!”

“Breeding? She’s pregnant? I’m going to be a- a father?” Miroku’s face paled rapidly and he swayed on his feet. Inuyasha snapped out his arm and slapped him, trying to keep his eye on Sesshoumaru’s still form at the same time.

“Snap out of it, Monk. Yeah, you’re gonna be knee deep in baby poop in a few months. GET OVER IT AND GET THEM BOTH OUT OF HERE!”

Miroku shook his head, color restored to his face in the shape of a large, masculine handprint, and nodded, turning. “I---I’ll take care of it,” he said, practically running the few steps separating himself from his wife and the others. “Onto Kirara, Sango.”

Sango stared at him, her hand covering her abdomen. Kagome had dismounted and looked about ready to hug her enthusiastically. “I’m…eeek!” Miroku grabbed Kagome around the waist and tossed her back onto Kirara about as gently as Inuyasha had the moment before, barely missing Shippou in the process. Turning, he started to do the same to his wife, paused on the verge of yanking on her waist, and scooped her into his arms instead.

He grunted as a punch to the head dropped him to his knees. “Let me down! There is no way I’m leaving Kohaku right now, houshi!”

“You’re not staying here and endangering the baby!” Miroku said through grit teeth, getting back on his knees. His head snapped back as she punched him in the jaw and he tried to keep walking towards Kirara with eyes blurred double.

“There’s no danger! Naraku’s dead and it’s my BROTHER! Kohaku wouldn’t stay with Inuyasha’s brother if he was going to hurt us!”

“Sango, I don’t care if…”

“The ningen is correct. We are not here to harm your females, half-breed.” Sesshoumaru’s smooth voice sliced through Miroku’s retort like a whip. Inuyasha growled low in his throat, Tessaiga already drawn as he glared at Sesshoumaru, unconvinced.

“Then why the hell ARE you here, jack ass?”

Sesshoumaru sneered. “It does not involve you. I seek only the miko.”

Inuyasha stepped to the side to fully block Sesshoumaru’s view of Kagome. “Over my dead body.”

“That can easily be arranged.” Sesshoumaru drew his sword and attacked in one motion. Inuyasha dodged, dancing to the side as Sesshoumaru attacked again, and the two of them fought back and forth, ranging across the field until they slowly disappeared into the forest surrounding them. Kagome jumped off of Kirara and ran for her bow by the fire while Miroku tried to push Sango onto Kirara without touching any part of her body that might possibly have baby parts inside. Shippou hung onto Kirara’s mane and hid his face in his hands, and Kohaku watched Miroku and Sango with speculative eyes.

Sango firmly situation on Kirara’s back, Miroku ran after Kagome again. He caught her just before she would have retrieved her weapon and grabbed her around the waist. She struggled against his hold, yelling.

“What do you think you’re doing! Inuyasha needs help!”

“Inuyasha is taking the fight far from here so that you have a chance to escape! You heard his brother; he is here for YOU, Kagome! I will not allow Inuyasha’s wife, and my very good friend, to die while I can still help avert it!” Miroku started to drag her backwards and cursed violently as, half way to his goal, Sango passed him on her way to retrieve her own weapon.

His wife glared at him as she went. “You just wait until I get hiraikotsu, monk!”

“Dammit, Sango, you were to stay on Kirara!” He howled as Kagome stomped down on his foot and she ran for her bow again. Chasing after her, he slid to a stop as Sango picked up the hiraikotsu and started for him.

“Sango, now is not the time for…”

“You were going to force me to leave a battle?” she snarled angrily.

“It’s for your own good!” Miroku backed away with his hands up, trying to calculate just how he was going to take her weapon way, when a blur behind her caught his eye. “Sango, behind you!”

She turned, and they were both horrified to see that Sesshoumaru had flown from over the trees and was standing directly in front of Kagome. Inuyasha’s howls could be heard deeper in the forest, but by the sound of it, he wasn’t close enough to make it in time. She would be dead before they could do anything to stop him. Shippou whimpered from his spot on Kirara’s back, and the fire neko growled menacingly.

“Hold out your hands.” Sesshoumaru ordered, and Kagome, only inches away from her arrows, shakily complied. Miroku tried to think of what he could do to distract Inuyasha’s brother and give Kagome her chance to get to her weapon and Sango time to run away. If he could make either of them do that, of course.

Something dark and round dropped from a small, half-disintigrated cloth into Kagome’s palms.

“This has become an irritation that has occupied more of my time than the filthy object deserves. You will rid this world of it, ningen.”

“I—of course,” Kagome said faintly, looking at the dark jewel in her hands as it slowly started to change color. Miroku and Sango blinked in confusion, their guards lowering as they stared at it.

“That’s all of them. You have the entire jewel now, then” Miroku said quietly, and Sango shook her head.

“Kouga still has his, and Kohaku…”

“The ningen was relieved of his shard by Naraku. I brought him back to give me the dark hanyou’s whereabouts,” Sesshoumaru said coldly.

“And Kagome already has Kouga’s,” Miroku said.

Sango didn’t look away from Sesshoumaru as she asked, “When did this happen??”

Trying to step between Sango and Sesshoumaru, Miroku murmured back. “It was part of my bargain with Ayame. She relieved Kouga of his shards before we left them there; I think she was happy that he wouldn’t be able to run away so fast. I gave them to Kagome later that afternoon.”

“But why didn’t’ you tell us?” Sesshoumaru was watching the jewel as it lightened and they both started to hope that perhaps this was the only objective he’d had in finding them. Kagome reached up, grasping the last few shards around her neck and she dumped them out, pressing them against the small wound in the jewels side. It melted together with a bright light.

Using the distraction to partially block Sango’s body from Sesshoumaru, Miroku turned his head to her. “Kagome suggested that Inuyasha might go back to finish Kouga off if he knew about the shards, and by the time I had any time alone with you where I could speak of it, I had…other things on my mind.” Sango blushed vividly.

All three humans stiffened as Sesshoumaru spoke again.

“Hn.” Before anyone could ready their weapons he closed on Kagome until he was standing inches from her, inhaling over her hair. Miroku readied himself to intervene, and most likely die, when an outraged yell preceded Inuyasha’s frantic charge out from the trees. Sesshoumaru turned to meet Inuyasha with a fluid shift and counter strike that took them both away from the others.

“So, you are father’s son after all.”

“Fuck you, asshole! Get the hell away from her!”

“I have no interest in your mate, half-breed.”

“You better not!” Inuyasha continued attacking and Sesshoumaru’s eyes gleamed as he leapt to meet him, their swords crackling as they met. They fought for another minute before Sesshoumaru spoke again.

“You are a pathetic fighter, little brother.” Sesshoumaru’s sword hissed through the air.

“Good enough to take off your arm, you stuck up bastard!” Inuyasha parried and swung wildly, tripping as his foot hit a rabbit hole.

Sango yelled as Miroku turned on her, putting his arms around her chest as he started to drag her back. “This is escalating again. You are not staying here, Sango.”

“You move as though your feet are dipped in lead.”

“Better than moving like I have a stick up my ass!”

Sesshoumaru curled his lip, pausing along with Inuyasha as they stared at each other, breathing heavily. At least, Inuyasha was breathing heavily. He would have given his left leg to see his asshole brother heaving a bit, but the daiyoukai’s armor stayed still and frozen as he watched it for signs of movement

Kagome paused, finally having reached her bow. She stared at Sesshoumaru and Inuyasha, glaring hatred at each other, and she sighed. She should be readying her arrows and helping, but at the moment, all she could think of was that fact that she was looking at her brother-in-law.

And he and her husband were trying to kill each other.

Hearing Sango swearing at Miroku as the monk ordered her to ‘think of the baby,’ she was reminded that not only was he related to her now, he’d be related to their children someday as well. It was so sad…

“I wish you two would stop hurting each other all the time.” She murmured sadly. A moment passed, and every head turned in her direction as she practically squealed.

“Oh no oh no oh no! Oh gods, I’m sorry, Inuyasha! I’m sorry! I’m really, really sorry!”

“Huh?” Inuyasha looked at her, warily keeping one eye on Sesshoumaru. “What happened, Kagome?”

“I- I- I didn’t mean to! I really didn’t, only I wished and now…oh my.”

“What. Happened.” Inuyasha turned back to Sesshoumaru as he waited for her answer and his brother’s next attack.

“I made a wish on the jewel.” Kagome’s small voice carried to every corner of the meadow and everyone turned to stare at her fully.

“You what?! You haven’t even had it for more than a minute! How could you make a wish?!”

“I didn’t mean to! It was an accident!”

“Well what the hell did you wish for!”

“Um….” Kagome closed her eyes and spoke as fast as she could. “for-you-and-Sesshoumaru-to-stop-hurting-each-other. And then the jewel disappeared!”

Inuyasha blinked a moment as he tried to process her words, and then he snorted. “Sorry, Kagome, but no stupid jewel is gonna make me stop trying to kill the bas-“ Inuyasha’s teeth clicked shut and his eyes bugled a moment. “The bas-“ his teeth clicked shut again and he turned to stare in horror at his mate.

Sesshoumaru smirked. “Is there a problem with your speech? You are truly pathe-“ Sesshoumaru’s teeth clicked shut as well and after a moment of utter shock, he glared at Kagome. “What have you done, you –“ his teeth clicked shut again and he roared.

“Wi-“ Sesshoumaru’s jaw slammed shut so hard everyone heard his teeth snap and Inuyasha ran at Kagome just as Sesshoumaru charged her. He howled as Sesshoumaru got there first an raised his sword.

And then Inuyasha’s body slammed to a halt just before he would have tackled Sesshoumaru. Who was standing with his hand upraised, his lips snarling wildly, his body straining…and his arm still upraised and not moving one single inch.

After another minute, with Sesshoumaru standing perfectly still and Inuyasha attacking him and stopping himself just before he could get within claw range, both of them heard Miroku clear his throat.

“Ah, I don’t think that’s going to work,” he said quietly, chuckling a little.

Sesshoumaru lowered his arm and glared at the monk. “What do you know of this…this spell, ningen.”

“It seems to me that the wish is being interpreted as: killing or insulting Kagome causing pain to Inuyasha. So it seems to me, Sesshoumaru-sama, that you will not be able to do so.”

Sesshoumaru snarled and raised his sword at Miroku, who smiled back at him serenely. “I believe harming me would hurt him as well.” After another futile moment with his sword held out, Sesshoumaru re-sheathed it and glared at Kagome and Inuyasha again.

“I will find out what this spell is, Inuyasha and when I do, you and your wh-“ he gurgled as he tried to talk and finally spit out,” –mate are going to di-“ Sesshoumaru snarled as he was prevented from speaking again and he whipped around, walking back towards Kohaku.

“Don’t you walk away, you jacka- urrrg.” Inuyasha cleared his throat and tried again. “I’m going to damn well tear out your- nnrrrg.” He spun and glared at Kagome, who was staring at him wide-eyed.

“WHAT THE HELL! I can’t even insult him now!!! What the hell did you wish for ? Because I’m telling you, insulting him doesn’t ‘hurt’ Sesshoumaru! His skin’s so thick, you could –rgh- it with a –rhrhgl- DAMMIT!”

Miroku snorted. “Well, Kagome made the wish, perhaps it’s what SHE thinks about how people can be hurt that controls the wish.”

“Kagome…words can’t hurt Sesshoumaru! So…stop thinking that, all right! I NEED to be able to insult him!”

“I can’t change it, now, Inuyasha!” Kagome snapped back, her heart still pounding from having Sesshoumaru holding the sword of doom over her head.

“What the hell were you thinking?” he yelled.

“It was an accident!” Kagome yelled back, tears starting to form in her eyes. “I didn’t –hic- mean to!”

Inuyasha stopped mid-word and his hands dropped to his sides. “Wait. I didn’t mean…”

“I was just thinking about being married and brothers and…he’s going to be our future baby’s uncle!” she wailed. Inuyasha sheathed Tessaiga and came over, grabbing onto her shoulders.

“I- aw, c’mon, stop crying, eh? It’s- it’s-it’s not so….bad.” Inuyasha choked on the words, but he rubbed her back anyway. God, she just had to cry, didn’t she. He couldn’t believe she’d done something this fucking stupid, but…

Hey, Inuyasha’s conscience piped up, it’s not that stupid. The jacka- grgdg. Well hell, that’s going to be annoying, isn’t it?

**Fuck, yes.**

Anyway, Sesshoumaru can’t hurt her now. Not ever. Not her or Miroku or Sango or Shippou. Not even any little ones you two might have. They’re all safe now. Thanks to Kagome. Who you made cry.

**I know! I’m working on it, aren’t I?**

Of course, this means that you can’t kill him either.

**I know that too, asshole! You think I don’t know that?**

Guess you’ll have to take him off your list of goals, too. Killing Naraku AND Sesshoumaru, both permanently off the list. Without you killing them. Kinda pathetic.

**I hate you. And don’t worry, I’m gonna track down that damn Kichiro and kill him enough for all of ‘em.**

Yeah. Good luck on that.

**Fuck you.**


Miroku watched Inuyasha comforting Kagome, shaking his head. What an unbelievable lucky accident. Trust Kagome to find a solution that defied all expectation. He chuckled again and put his arm around Sango’s shoulders, squeezing gently.

He was going to be a father!

“Miroku. What about Kohaku, I need to…”

Miroku nodded, turning and almost yelling out in surprise as he saw Kohaku standing only a few feet away.

“Just what do you think you’re doing with my sister?”

“Kohaku?” Tears ran down her cheeks as she saw her brother smile at her, recognition in his eyes. “Kohaku!”

Running over, Sango hugged her brother tightly, and Miroku would have smiled except for the cold look in the youth’s eyes as he stared at Miroku over Sango’s shoulder.

“I’m glad I got to see you again, sister.” Kohaku said quietly as Sango finally released him. “Sesshoumaru-sama is letting me travel with him for a while. I just wanted to say good-bye and…”

“But you can stay with us!”

“No.” Kohaku’s lips turned down sadly. “I- remember Sango. I remember it all. I’m sorry, but I need some time…”

Sango nodded slowly, although Miroku could see her lip quivering as she tried to be brave. He started over and halted as Kohaku turned his cold eyes to him again.

“I remember you, as well. The lecher who was chasing women every time Kanna’s mirror was tuned to you.” Kohaku took a step towards him, looking him up and down. “I may be young, but I am still the last remaining male of our household. And I ask you: what do you think you’re doing touching my sister?”

Miroku blinked in surprise before swallowing. Well, this was…unexpected.