A Glass Half Full

I’m so sorry for the eternal hiatus! I was inspired once more to continue this story, because I had planned so much for it….I couldn’t let it just lie there…

Thanks so much to all who continued to send me their comments, I read each and every one of them!

IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIi…


Benign or Malignant?


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This was my very first mammogram. My aunt had told me about how the whole thing went, and hearing about it didn’t really do much to relax me or reassure me in any way. I tried to swallow my nerves as I went on my way to the x-ray rooms. I avoided the elevator of course and took the stairwell, using the maps on the walls as reference to reach X- ray. I got completely lost, which was nothing new to me and I was forced to stop and ask a harassed looking nurse for directions. I finally reached the floor I was searching for, gasping like a fish from the stitch in my side (cause by dashing up and down the stairs) and I pushed through the blue swinging doors.


There was no reception desk in this waiting room, just a little window behind which a nurse sat, isolated by that pane of glass. I meekly approached her and showed her a little note from Doctor Saotome referring me for a mammography. The nurse smiled at me as she finished reading it and asked me to pass through, opening a door beside the glass window. Where had that door been? How come I hadn’t seen it before? Anyway, I walked through and was greeted by another nurse, an older one and less friendly. She firmly prompted me into a small and the first thing I noticed was the machine that would provide me with answers. It stood in middle of room, cold hard, impersonal and as I stared at it, I was reminded of a certain doctor I’d met. But this machine seemed ominous and it made me feel uncomfortable, since I was more at ease with warmth and light. I glanced at the steely haired nurse, who adjusting buttons and cables. How could anyone work in a place like this? How could anyone not want people to feel secure in hospital? Why did always have to be cool blues and sterile whites? Why not warm greens yellows or oranges? There was no happiness here, no feeling, everyone was as cool as the walls and the impersonal as the equipment, with hard calculating gazes and stoic expression and beautiful long white hair-


Whoa! Where had that come from? I shook my head lightly to rid myself of images of Doctor Saotome and paid attention to the nurse who was currently repeating herself impatiently.


“I said, please remove your blouse and bra.”

I jumped to it and pulled my blouse over my head, and handing over to her. Her face looked sour as she glanced at my breasts when took off my bra. I flushed, wondering if she was envious of my firm, perky mounds and I unwilling stared at her chest, horrid images of saggy boobies entering my head. Ew! Yuck! Get out of my head!


She ordered me to stand in front of the scary contraption and before I knew what was happening she had grabbed left breast and placed it on a freezing cold metal plate. I squealed at icy contact but it was quickly reprimanded, and told to stay completely still. The nurse pushed a few buttons, which made beeping noises. The plaques were pressed upon my breast and the pressure was absolutely excruciating! All of the nerves in my breast were screaming with pain but I fought to keep still to avoid another telling off. I heard the door close behind me and I felt unnecessarily frantic when I realized I was alone and…er…trapped.

The machine whirred frightfully and my little breast was horribly squashed but thankfully it was over in a few minutes. I closed my eyes with relief when the nurse returned to remove the metallic plates. I blinked away tears and cupped my poor breast, wondering amusedly if it should need CPR, but I merely resolved to giving it warmth from my hand. I got dressed and was told that my results would be sent to my doctor. I nodded in understanding and caught the old nurse by surprise by thanking her kindly. She said nothing, but her sour expression softened just the teensiest bit. I was glad to have been able to brighten up her day (not that I want to sound conceited or anything), she must have felt so gloomy stuck in that dark x-ray room every day.


I made my way back to the waiting room where my aunt sat I got lost on the way there, and while wandering down some random corridor, I failed to notice and elderly man in a wheelchair until he came up behind and pinched me on the rear. I was so shocked and oddly tickled by the action that I burst through the first door I could find and ended up at a stairwell, which eventually led me to the very destination I had originally intended for.

My Aunt got to her feet immediately and grabbed my hands as I came near. Her eyes were wide with worry.

“Rin! How was it? What did the doctor say?”


“My doctor was a man.” I found myself saying. I knew my aunt had been expecting a more important reply concerning my condition and wore a surprised expression. She was unsure of what to say.

“Um…and did he perform an examination on you?”

I nodded. I noticed my handbag on the seat beside her and I bent to pick it up. Oh how I missed you, dear handbag!

“Did it…go alright?” My aunt persisted. I smiled.


“He was very…” Good? Handsome? Scrumptious? “…Professional.” Nice one Rin! Woohoo! “He said that I need to see him again tomorrow morning to find out if it’s…” I found myself unable to pronounce the word ‘cancer’. “…find out what’s wrong with me.”


Thoughts of Doctor Saotome were replaced by an impending feeling of doom. It wasn’t possible for me to know if the lump in my breast was cancerous or not and I didn’t know if my time on earth was shortening, all I was certain of was that I would never let anything depress me or hold me back. I would be the same Rin, the same chatty, optimistic girl I always was and that would be my legacy to the world. Along with my ability to have annoyed the hell out of everyone. But even though I was all those things and more, that didn’t mean I wasn’t feeling scared about considering death. But I was being ridiculous, I wasn’t going to die, I had gotten my breast checked early and if it turned out to be a malignant, the lump could be removed. Couldn’t it? So I shouldn’t have to worrying about dying. Not yet. Right?


My aunt Kumiko and me left hospital, just when the sun was sinking below the horizon. I loved this time of day, well, dusk, since it wasn’t really day…or night for that matter. It’s mostly because I don’t which time I like best, day, when the sun is bright and warm, when the birds grace the ambience with their song, when everyone is out and about; or night, when the moon is shining, when the stars flicker against a dark velvet sky, when the cool breeze blows and fireflies flitter and flutter in and out of the trees. I like day and night but I prefer dusk because it both yet it’s neither. Okay, I’m going on and on with this, trying to distract myself.


Aunt Kumiko nudged me and I looked in the direction she was gesturing at and spotted my favourite café, ‘Nee-chan’s’ across the street. It was tradition, after a day out together to go to Nee-chan’s for coffee and a slice of Blackforest Gateau for me, while aunt Kumiko would choose her usual lemon cheesecake.


But not today. We were definitely not in the mood for coffee and cakes, my stomach was flopping around like a trout with worry so I doubted it would hold anything solid, let alone sweet and sticky.


I breathed in the sweet smell of the evening breeze, feeling it rustle the hair in my ponytail. The sun had gone to sleep and the sky was a beautiful blackberry colour, tinted with lilacs and blues. My aunt asked me if I wished to stay at her house for the night. She didn’t want me to be alone, well I didn’t want to be alone tonight either because I knew what I would think about while lying in bed. But I didn’t want her to worry about me, so I declined warmly, telling her that I was fine.


“Do you want me to go with you tomorrow? To your appointment?” She asked, placing a warm hand on my shoulder in a motherly fashion. I shook my head.


“No, its okay, thanks aunt Kumiko. And thanks for coming with me today, I really appreciate it.”

My aunt gave me a long hug and we parted ways, and I looked back at her, thanking the heavens that she was my family. She would always support me and shelter me and I was so, so, so grateful to her.

My pace was relatively calm but my attention was not focused on the evening scenery. I was scared…scared about the results, scared of tomorrow’s appointment. I didn’t know whether I had ever felt this way before, the threat of illness or, Heaven forbid it, death lingering like a dark cloud over my head. I closed my eyes briefly and tried to get rid of these negative thoughts, allowing myself to think of Dr Saotome instead. I sighed and smiled, feeling silly, but I managed to dissipate my worry as I pictured him.


Bah. I was being stupid. I arrived at my apartment and kicked off my shoes as soon as I got through the front door. I dropped onto the sofa and breathed deeply. I stood up and moved to my fireplace. Okay, it’s not a real fireplace, merely a block of fake coals set in a dark mantelpiece ( a mantelpiece littered with photos, china ornaments and even little plastic toys from Happy Meals) but it did provide warmth and the ‘coals’ even glowed a nice cosy orange. I raised the temperature a little because I was feeling the chill of goose bumps on my arms. I doubt it was from the cold.


I noticed the litter of prints on the table. I realized I’d have to notify my boss about my appointment tomorrow, let him know of my absence. I went over to the cordless phone to check my messages. There was just one, from my friend Reika-chan, her calm voice expressing a little worry. I knew I would have to call her back afterwards but I decided to leave it for tomorrow, after the diagnosis…


I moved to the kitchen. I loved my kitchen, decorated in tones of orange and yellow, completely washed in warm and so bright! Despite my lack of appetite, I made myself a quick bowl of shrimp flavoured ramen, but I didn’t enjoy it as I normally would have. I didn’t even finish it all.

This depressing behaviour was so unlike me! I wanted to shake myself but all I could do was sigh pathetically and think of my appointment tomorrow. At least one positive thing came out of it….I would see my oh so gorgeous doctor again and that particular thought put a silly smile on my face. God, I felt like such a schoolgirl.


I decide to go to bed early because I failed to find anything else to do. I undressed in front of the mirror, gazing at my breasts with a frown before pulling on some teddy bear pyjamas. I snuggled into the pillows, trying to think happy thoughts and clutching my beloved stuffed co called…Moo. Yes, dead original.


I didn’t fall asleep straight away.


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I opened my eyes immediately the next morning. I remembered what day it was and my stomach seemed to fold itself. I reluctantly slid out of my comfortable den of duvets to get washed and dressed. My mind was curiously blank and I found myself performing my morning routine like a second nature, but I paid little attention to that. I phoned my boss, explaining everything (except what the appointment was about) and he understood completely, telling me to take as much time as I needed. That’s what happens when you’ve never taken sick leave or if you’re a superb worker…Bonus points with your employer!!


I only had a yoghurt for breakfast (strawberry flavour!) and I regretted it as soon as I left the apartment when a wave of nerves caused my stomach to burn and coil from the dairy product I had just consumed. I gave a hilarious little squeaky burp and I couldn’t help giggling.


I walked down the streets. The air was sharp and fresh and I breathed it all in. When I was little, I always thought morning air was new air and that by night time it would have gotten old. Still, I liked the idea of morning air being new, and I liked how there were less people around, how the blue skies were clear of clouds and tinged with the pinks that had lingered from dawn.

I spotted the massive building of the General Hospital towering over the houses, and my heart sped up with fear. In a few hours I would know what was wrong with me. I made a promise, if I were cancer free, not only would I hug Dr Saotome to death (and soooooo marry him), I would donate a copious amount of my own money to the Breast Cancer Foundation. What’s more, I promised even more solemnly that if there was ever a person wanting to run a campaign on breast cancer, I’d be the first to volunteer to work on the whole design. Cross my heart and hope to d…cry.

I arrived at the hospital and I stepped determinedly through the automatic glass doors, briefly seeing myself as a child running through them again and again, telling my brother that there was nothing to be afraid of. I felt a small prickle of grief at the memory, and I tried to think of something else as I climbed the stairs. The smell of bleach and disinfectant was quite overwhelming, making my nose hurt. I reached the waiting room of the third floor and I took a seat, glancing at my watch. I was twenty minutes early. Bah! That’s what’s weird about me, when I’m nervous about going somewhere, I’m usually there first, extremely early, making the wait even more torturous.


I sighed, brushing away a lock of dark hair that had come out of my ponytail. I hope I looked nice. I’d chosen my clothes carefully, all the while telling myself that I shouldn’t put so much thought into fashion when all I’d be doing is seeing a doctor. But I found myself wondering if I’d chosen the right blouse, since it was the only one that matched my shoes. Pale blue, if you’re asking.


My hands were cold and sweaty and my right leg was twitchy, further exhibiting my anxiousness. I hoped my mammogram was clear, I hoped nothing was wrong, and I hoped I would be called to my appointment soon!


I tried thinking of other things, of happier things. My mind wandered to places filled with silver haired doctors with piercing amber eyes, I let myself dwell on these images, they were harmless after all. And how many women have fantasized about men they’ve only met once? A lot, I think, but it didn’t matter, at this point I was so nervous I gladly accepted any distracting thoughts.


“Ayase Rin to room nine please.”


I winced at the sound of my name. I shakily got up and made my way to the room. It was ten o’clock sharp. I opened the door and was surprised to find Dr Saotome sitting at his desk, concentrated on the papers from an open file. My file…? I stared at him, at his focused expression, I marvelled at his long lashes and the way he touched a finger to his lips as he read the information.


“You may come in.” He said, without lifting his gaze. I jumped, apologising hurriedly and stepping in. My face burned with embarrassment and I felt stupid for simply standing in the doorway and staring. I sat down and quietly waited for him to speak. He looked up at me and I found his cool gaze unnerving. He pushed the mammogram towards me and elegantly linked his hands together, as though in prayer, placing his chin upon them.

I glanced at the mammogram before me, but I didn’t understating it as well as a medically instructed person would. Dr Saotome, of course, understood my silence.


“A mass has been found.”


I bit my lip. “A mass? Is it…? I mean-”


“It is benign.”


His voice was so calm I didn’t capture the meaning of his words, but as soon as my brain processed them my whole being swelled with relief and I squeezed my bag so tightly I hurt my fingers. My heart was beating so loud with the sentiment that I was sure Dr Saotome would hear it.


I noticed him watch me carefully. Now, for some reason, I found words filling my head, images bubbling up and my usual disposition had fully returned. He didn’t appear so scary or cold anymore and even the smell of the air seemed sweeter and breathable. And I found my voice! Halleluiah!


“So if it’s benign, what will happen to the mass?” I asked, still feeling a bit dazed.


“You can leave it as it is or have it surgically removed.” He told me simply. Hm. I liked how he spoke, clear and to the point. Sooooo unlike me.


I considered the options. I’d never had surgery before, so that option seemed unlikely. But I needed to make sure. “If I decide to leave it in there, is there a chance of it turning…malignant?”


He didn’t blink as he gave me a firm “Yes.”


I nodded and I unconsciously chewed my bottom lip, stopping only when I notice Dr Saotome’s eyes flicker towards my mouth. The action flustered me for a second, but I soon pulled myself together, ready with a decision.


“What if I want to have it removed?”

“It can be done.” He said briskly, lowering his gaze to the papers and scribbling something.


I cleared my throat. This guy was very confusing. “I would like the surgery then please.” I said, with a little nervous smile.


“Yes. I gathered as much.”


I blushed, and nodded foolishly. I slowly got to my feet and politely asked when the surgery would happen.


“In five days. You must be here at eight in the morning and I will explain the procedure. You may leave now.”


What an efficient man. Making my way around to his side of the desk, I stretched out my hand to him in a warm gesture of gratitude. He looked up and observed my hand stoically. He rose from his seat (my God he was so tall!) and gracefully took it, as cool and as unconcerned as he was during the first appointment. But I was so overjoyed at the good news, so elated was I that I did the stupidest thing, feeling confident about that physical contact, I practically threw myself on him in a hug, he was my saviour after all…sort of.


He stiffened terribly and I hurriedly let go, blurting out my thanks and practically tossing myself out of that room without a backwards glance.


I left the hospital after further blood test and all that preliminary stuff that’s necessary for a surgery and I was so happy I almost skipped all the way home. I wanted to tell everyone I was fine, I wanted to laugh, dance, do cartwheels on the street! The prospect of my first operation didn’t even bother or frighten me, all I wanted to do was go home listen to music, phone my aunt and friends (and of course, my boss!) and savour the rest of the day.


I then remembered my promise of the donation. Tonight I would go online for information and give a whole load of money. I also recalled my other promise involving Dr Saotome and a hug…fulfilled! Well apart from the marriage bit, that is. He was so gorgeous, I’m surprised I didn’t drool buckets during my appointment. But I had enough of that. What was important was that I was back! I was normal!

And I didn’t have cancer!