A Self Called Nowhere

Subliminal
In an unnoticeable way
Important
And hard to see

--They Might Be Giants

She'd only spent a night in her own time to gather the supplies she'd need for the next day. Her family was glad to see her and it had been hard to be her normal, cheerful self. It was only until she got some time alone with her mother that she let go. Her mother's embrace is what she needed then. It seemed so childish. She was nineteen, an adult, and she was running to mommy for comfort. It wasn't just childish, it was stupid and cowardly but her mother made sure she felt neither of these things.

"It doesn't matter how old you are, Kagome. You'll always be my little girl..."

Her mother's out of place words echoed through the shadowy veils of time. Unfurling like a curtain caught in the wind just before a storm. It was true. No matter how old you are, in the eyes of your mother...you will always be a child in need of love and comfort. As an adult, she felt bad about it. She felt like she should have been stronger, more grown up. She should have tried to deal with it on her own but she couldn't. Her mother had informed her that there was no shame in it. Being there for her child was her job. It was a mother's duty from the day her child was born. That duty didn't end once the child became an adult. As long as her Kagome needed her, she'd be there. Kagome hadn't really understood and her mother informed her she never would. Not until she had a child of her own.

After she had a long talk and a good cry with her mother, she'd started to pack. Her mother had helped, specifically with finding the Diazepam and the needles. Kagome had often teased her mother for being a bit of a pack rat. Now she had to eat those words, because if it hadn't been for her mom and her thrifty ways, they'd be out five vials of Diazepam and a handful of needles. All of which they'd need. She hated eating her words, but it had to be done. After a profuse amount of apologizing, Kagome sat quietly and listened to her mother as she explained how to inject the tranquilizer.

She had to thank the gods again, for giving her a mother who was not only a pack rat but also a registered nurse. Okay, a now retired registered nurse, but a nurse all the same. She couldn't imagine what kind of shape everyone back in the feudal era would be in if she didn't have a least a little medical knowledge, which was all courtesy of her mother.

After everything was packed, she was prepared to go to bed but before she could, her mother insisted on a short trip to the store. The reason for the trip was soon revealed. The small florist's shop around the corner was still open. She bought a small bouquet of white Chrysanthemums for Kagome to take back to place on the little girl's grave. On the drive home the lights of the city skimmed the reflective surface of the glass, casting patterns of color over her eyes. She watched the bustle of the city in the half light of spring time. Where the sun was caught between the pull of winter and summer, and the world was caught with it. It was a season between the dark death of winter and the bright life of summer in a world that was waiting as she was waiting. Placing a hand on the glass, she wondered how her life was going to work out. Kagome was half in and half out of the world. She was the spring as it came out from under winter's curtain, perpetually waiting for summer. Her fingers trailed down the glass as she set her hand back in her lap. They were home now, as if she could even call it that anymore.

This most recent event had gotten her thinking that maybe it was time to give this whole feudal era thing up. For four long years the mantra she repeated to herself was, "I have a duty. I broke the jewel, I have to fix it." And it had worked for the first year and a half but now, not so much. When everything had started, it was like a romantic dream but reality soon sunk in. The feudal era was a dangerous time and death stalked you like a predator in the night.

Jarring out of her memories, her eyes darkened in sad realization. It took one little girl's life six years ago and it had taken Kagome's with it. Then and now. Both had disappeared into the yawning vortex, never to be seen again.

What was she doing with her life? What had she ruined it all for?...Nothing. She'd thrown away her future in her time for adventure in the feudal era. Now she was in this stinking waiting room, waiting for an interview that she didn't really need to protect the secret of the same jewel she'd thrown her life away for. It was stupid. And annoying. Looking at her watch, she scowled. And her future employer was freaking late. She had a chance back then. To step back and reclaim her life in Modern Tokyo, but instead, she'd gone back to the same teenage dreamland. Despite her reservations for her own safety and the lamentation that she hadn't done anything with her life. That her high school days were just continuing while her friends had grown up, gone to college and moved on. But still, she stayed. Not for Inuyasha, not for a sense of duty...at that time, she didn't even know why she kept going back. Perhaps it was because she really had nothing else.

The sad thing was, she didn't have much now and if she could, she'd probably still be going back there.

She belonged there, in the past. Not here, in this waiting room. She should still be there and maybe that's what killed her inside. Stuffing her hands in her pockets, she fingered her cel phone and stared at the potted plant in the corner. Maybe they had a place for her here, with her own pedestal and a neat little descriptive tag. She sighed despondently, continuing her dalliance with painful remembrance because...because she honestly had nothing better to do. It was either this or make constellations out of ceiling tile holes. One way or the other, she'd end up doing this. Remembering was a rut she was firmly mired in, probably for the rest of her life.

"Ah, well." She thought flippantly, her thoughts transitioning awkwardly as she made the plant in the corner her new target, "On with the memories..." She merged with her younger self, the one that was only held in her memory now. The one she alternately cursed and praised. She always was a paradox, even in her own mind. Closing her eyes, she just remembered, thinking in the back of her mind that there had to be a reason for this to come up...now of all times.

Sleep had come easily that night so long ago, despite the nightmares that peppered her dreamscape. The next day she'd woken up early to go back to the feudal era. The melancholia of the night before was left pushed to the back of her mind. Her problems with her own life were trivial and she had decided to focus on the task at hand. Exiting the well on the other side, she took a deep breath of spring air. The air was so much cleaner on this side and she reveled in it. She squinted as she gazed at the sun which was lazily encroaching on the horizon. Gently, it spread amber waves of clear light over the country side, bathing the window of the world in crisp, clear color. It was the kind of morning that should have been spent at leisure. A morning spent in the company of friends or family, enjoying a light breakfast. Instead of pancakes and companionship, she woke to a job she didn't want and a duty she never asked for. Kagome kicked herself on the inside while she wished she was anyone else but herself at this moment.

Shouldering her pack, she let out a long, tired sigh as she trudged towards the village with a heavy heart. Halfway there, Miroku met her with Shippou in tow. They seemed on edge as they rushed her to the village. She soon found out why. During the night, the incense had stopped working. No one had expected its effects to fade so soon, so no watch was set. The daiyoukai had woken in the middle of the night sometime and had left. They hadn't noticed a thing till the morning when they woke to find him gone. Miroku had explained that he and a small group of men had gone to look for Sesshoumaru shortly after discovering his absence. He had been found in the small village cemetery sitting in front of the little girl's grave. When they'd come within ten feet of him, he had let out a low, warning growl. He hadn't made a move to attack, which was a clear indication that he was still sentient and had not surrendered entirely to his more primal instincts. His sense of friend and foe were not completely blurred, not yet anyway. They had backed off at that point and had waited for Kagome.

The girl in question listened quietly to the monk's tale as they entered the village. Thoughts flickered absently like the lights in a movie house and she was hard pressed to pick one to concentrate on. There was an urge to make a smart remark about the village still being in tact, she remembered that clearly. The urge was bitten back because she'd realized that gloating wouldn't help things. The village was overly quiet and Kagome was startled as she realized that no one was on the road. This was a farming village and the roads should have been bustling. The fields were empty as well. Everything was quiet. Not even the birds seemed to make a sound. It was unnerving and strange. The fate of the village was balanced on the edge of a knife and it all hung on the slim shoulders of one young woman. She didn't like it, didn't like the slow realization that Miroku had cleared the village, sending the villagers someplace safe while they waited for her to deal with the daiyoukai. She was suddenly glad she'd bit her tongue.

Over the last four years the village had begun to turn to her, looking to her for guidance. Kaede was getting older, and though she was still respected, the burden of protecting the village was becoming too much for her. The elderly priestess had stepped back and allowed Kagome to fill in when she could not. At first, she hadn't minded but as time passed, she felt the beginnings of resentment. They were trying to make her Kikyo. She didn't want to be Kikyo, she wanted to be Kagome. Rejecting the village's respect for her was out of the question, but she refused to wear the red and white of a priestess, as well as the title that went along with it. Often, she'd thought of dressing more appropriately in more traditional clothes but the stubborn voice in the back of her head disagreed. She let it win, continuing to wear modern clothes and insisting that she be called just Kagome. Not priestess. Not Lady Kagome. Just Kagome.

This confused the villagers quite deeply but they did as they were told. Though, secretly, they always thought of her as their priestess and when she wasn't around, they'd add the title to her name. Kagome could deny what she was all she wanted, but she was imbued with the holy powers of a priestess. She wielded the traditional weapon of a priestess. And, she protected the jewel as a true priestess would. The title was hers, whether she wanted it or not. Besides, she may have refused her title but she never refused to help when asked. She never shirked her duty, ever.

This time was no exception, she'd put her own life on the line for the village AND the youkai that threatened it. In the eyes of many, she was a truly remarkable young woman. In her own eyes, she was as unprepared and weak as she'd always felt herself to be. She made plans with Miroku as they walked through the village. Hearing her own voice as it echoed through her skull, she sounded much more confident than she felt. When on the inside, she was trembling like a bit ol' pile of gelatin in the middle of an earthquake.

Halfway to the cemetery, she sent Shippou off to Kaede with the jewel shards. The kit wasn't happy about her decision, but she wasn't about to bring a little kid into such a dangerous situation. Besides, if things went awry she wanted someone to survive this to tell Inuyasha what happened. Shippou and Kaede were their best bets as far as Kagome was concerned.

Her eyes drifted to the soft pastoral scenery in front of her. The world was so incredibly vivid and alive in that moment. Wistful beauty surrounded her, and she found it hard to enjoy it as she normally would. She would have stopped and just stared, eyes softening as the sun crowned the forest. The morning was honestly the best time of the day, in her opinion. Bright and fresh, full of beginnings and not endings but this day was a contradiction. Her heart was heavy, but the morning broke so spectacularly that she almost resented it. This day should have been cold and gloomy, with rain. Lots and lots of rain. The world should have wept, instead it smiled.

Gentle patterns of shadowed light brushed over the two humans walking together in companionable silence. Kagome tried very hard to look the part of a resolute warrior, or at the very least, a peeved young woman of almost twenty. For what it was worth, it worked but she didn't feel it. She'd faced Sesshoumaru before and she knew what he could do. All the times before, she'd had someone to back her up. A certain someone who could and would come to her rescue and that someone was not here. Miroku was, and while she wasn't worried about him coming to her aide, it was a matter of how much he could help if the daiyoukai went berserk. If worse came to worse, she'd instructed him to use his wind tunnel...even if she was in the way. He didn't like the idea and neither did she, but one life was not worth the lives of all the villagers, as she reminded him so subtly. Miroku followed her as far as the cemetery entrance, his face hard and knotted with worry.

"You'll be alright?" He asked for the nth time.

"Yes. I'll be fine." She replied, looking at him with her most determined face, "If anything goes wrong, I'll whistle once..."

Miroku nodded grimly, remembering the sound and the first time he'd heard it. Inuyasha had been impatient again and he'd run ahead of everyone else. A high pitched sound had come from Kagome's mouth at that moment and everyone had covered their ears and looked at her. The strange girl from the future stood there in full, stubborn glory, two fingers shoved firmly in her mouth. She'd tried to show him how she did it, but he never quite got the hang of it.

"I hear your whistle and come running..."

"Wind tunnel a blazin'..." She said with a grin, hoping to make the butterflies in her stomach still by cracking wise.

"Now isn't the time for levity, Kagome." He admonished, not at all liking the plan as it stood.

"Now IS the time for joking. I'm nervous enough as it is...what with all the possible death and dismemberment. I'm the one who has to go into the lion's den...or dog's den...as it were." Kagome said, trailing off as her mind lead down different avenues to distract herself from her so-called impending doom, "Well, it's not so much a den as it is a cemetery...Where do they get that anyway? Lions don't really have dens. Dogs do...but I suppose that's not the point..."

Miroku coughed hard, trying his best to remain serious, "I understand you're nervous but could we..."

"Yeah. Sorry." She said, with a nervous titter before turning around to gaze at her destination.

"Good luck." He said quietly as she entered the cemetery proper.

To say that she didn't want to do this was the understatement of the year. She'd rather scoop her eyes out with a melon baller than do this.

"Look at it this way...least they won't have to go far if he kills you." She mused inwardly, not the least bit comforted by the thought.

Miroku saw her face blanch as she turned from him. He set a reassuring hand on her shoulder and gave it a squeeze before sending her on her way. She didn't want to do this alone. Kagome despised thinking of herself as weak. She tried to act every inch the modern girl. Strong and self reliant, the kind of girl who didn't need saving. Funny how that plan backfired again and again. Here she was, going towards the danger...again and she should be proud to do it. This time, there was no Inuyasha to stop her. No loud but blessedly strong hanyou to fling her out of the way after calling her a stupid wench. She should be happy to finally prove to herself. To show Inuyasha she wasn't so weak and she didn't always need him.

She could be unafraid, like his precious Kikyo. Except not some stupid priestess, she'd be like...like...like an Amazon. Flipping through the forest like a ninja on a mission, ready to kick ass and ask questions later. But instead, she was shaking in her boots, thinking of a thousand ways to teleport herself away. Going home for good sounded like such a good idea right then that she almost dropped everything and ran like a madwoman back to the well. It took everything in her to put one foot in front of the other. Maybe there was someway to blackmail Miroku into coming with her. She didn't really HAVE to face Sesshoumaru alone. He could have at least followed her a little farther in. The big coward...letting a tiny little woman like herself go it alone against a youkai.

Not just any youkai. A DAIyoukai. A daiyoukai who could split her in half. A daiyoukai who once tried to melt her face off.

She shook her head. This line of thought was doing her no good. She focused her thoughts on Rin and the look on Sesshoumaru's face when he'd come to the village. This had to be done and she was probably the only one who could do it. Miroku had tried and he'd been growled at for his trouble. Growling in youkai terms equals "I won't kill you yet but I'm thinking about it, so unless you haul ass now...you might as well embrace your great new life without a head." So, she was probably okay as long as he didn't growl and if he did, then she'd get with the hauling ass. Well, either that...or she'd have to come to terms with 'her great new life without a head'.

All humor aside, she hated this plan. It was thought that because he'd come to the village seeking her, that maybe he'd be more amenable to her company. Being that he growled at everyone else. It was an unproved theory...No, that was giving it too much credit. It was a damned guess that he wouldn't view her as a threat. As far as plans went, it plain sucked. It was wild speculation that in his diminished state he'd somehow view her as friend, rather than enemy. Yes, this was the great and noble plan. To let Kagome go to the cemetery, stick him with animal tranquilizers and pray for the best. It was a ludicrously stupid idea and it was all they had.

Biting her lip, she inched towards the currently immobile demon that sat in a nice sunny spot on the far side of the cemetery. She stared at the back of his head as she moved forward in small increments. With each step she came closer. In her head, she was counting her steps to judge when she'd hit the ten foot mark. If she got there with no growl, she'd be as good as gold. Clutching her pack just a bit tighter, she hoped this theory they'd dreamed up was true. Because if it wasn't, she'd SO haunt Miroku after she died. Her foot stepped over the ten foot mark and she froze, looking up as she waited for some kind of reaction. Sesshoumaru didn't make a move or a sound. As she came just a bit closer, she wondered if he was alive. He was but that wasn't the point. He was just...so still.

It was a pleasant spring day. A light, warm breeze buffeted the two lone figures in the little village cemetery. It was strange that such a monument to mortality looked so vibrant on a day like this. She stopped, looking at the worn path she walked and the flimsy, homemade grave markers stuck in the earth. It was moments like this that she was struck by how strange this time really was to her. This cemetery was nothing like the ones she'd see at home in modern Tokyo. There were no carefully sculpted obelisks made of granite with the names of the deceased etched on the beautifully polished stone, just simple pieces of wood with names that were painted on, and just as easily worn away by the elements. Some graves weren't even marked that obviously, some were just humps of earth with offerings for the dead placed ceremoniously on top. The wind rustled again, blowing just a bit harder this time. She brushed her hair from her face as she quietly approached the daiyoukai. Her eyes never left the back of his head and she had regrettably become a bit lost in thought as she stared at it. The morning sun had hit it just the right was so that it glowed like silken tendrils of pure white light, glowing from within and without, as if it were made from the stars themselves. It made for a very surreal image, completely out of place in the plain, earthly cemetery.

There was a silence in the air that hung low and thick, and for a moment it seemed that the only one not frozen in time was Sesshoumaru. He sat there in the sun, almost too bright to look at but she was hypnotized. Her eyes wouldn't move from the sight of him. She was a child so absorbed as she stared at the sun that she didn't notice the black spots in front of her eyes. A sudden gust shook the surrounding forest and in the distance, the sudden sound of thousands of birds taking wing disturbed the silence. Her head snapped towards the sound as her heart thumped loudly in her chest.

Breathlessly, she watched the birds swarm the sky, twining around each other midair like tiny speckled dancers. Her hand went to her heart and she willed herself to calm down. She was afraid to breathe as she turned back to Sesshoumaru. Quietly as she could, she inhaled and exhaled just as slowly as she walked. Her heart continued to pound in her chest with quick, heavy beats. The closer she got, the more she noticed every noise she made, no matter how minute. Her breathing sounded like the roar of a dragon to her ears, her heart was a drum but worst of all were her feet. They scuffed lightly against the trail but in her mind, they sounded like the ragged churning of rock grinder. Each foot slowly pulverizing rocks underneath her feet as she dragged them forward step after step. She was within a foot of him. How could he NOT hear her? Why didn't he react? She was so close now. Close enough to touch him if she wanted to, if she only reached out her hand...

But she really, really didn't want to.

Duty had called and she had no choice because she'd already answered and told it what time she was coming. She was expected.

"Damn stupid sense of responsibility."

She took a deep breath, taking encouragement from the fact that she'd made it this close without being dismembered. Gracefully, she lowered herself to the ground, setting her pack next to her as she got settled. Pressing her lips together, she took her first real look at her patient's face. The entire time in Kaede's hut, she'd been busy preparing poultices and unguents for the elderly priestess's use that she hadn't any time to take in the damage. The daiyoukai sat there quietly, his back ramrod straight as he stared at Rin's grave. His eyes were unmoving, seeming to stare forward like a horse with blinders on. He could see nothing but the grave, all else was blurred beyond the edge of his vision. His eyes were still red, though they had darkened as bit by bit he lost more of himself to his blood beast.

Yet, there was still enough of his rational self to walk calmly to this grave, enough to distinguish between the villagers, Miroku and herself. The villagers and Miroku were unknown. Not enemies, but not welcome. She apparently fell into the category of friend, or at the very least, welcome or perhaps just tolerable.

It had to be taxing for him, forcing such control when he was weakened. When she narrowed her eyes, she could almost see the black mist of the poison as it sucked energy from him. She had to admire his strength which was weird for her, being that he was not exactly on friendly terms with her group. Plus, him with the hating humans...though he didn't hate every human. It was an encouraging thought but filtered with sadness, as the only human he cared for was now gone. Kagome shook her head; her mind was full to brimming with a myriad of conflicting thoughts. She'd never been so confused and had decided to simplify things. Fix daiyoukai's wounds, tranq daiyoukai, then leave...hopefully with all limbs in tact.

Yes, that plan would do just fine. She nodded and smiled at the thought, her momentary happiness at the decision faded as her eyes took in the daiyoukai's features once more. He seemed more like marble than flesh. His eyes glazed over like a Greek statue. They were unseeing, looking out into the world without taking anything in. She wasn't sure, but she didn't think he was terribly aware of his surroundings. He had a vague sense of who was near when they came close enough, but nothing else seemed to register. It was like he was an empty vessel or perhaps more correctly, a blank slate. There was nothing behind the vacant stare, just empty black.

He blinked and she let out a startled gasp. Until that moment she'd been halfway convinced that he was sleeping or comatose...or something. It was the first sense that he was awake and aware, the first sign of movement she'd seen in him. She chided herself inwardly for not only being a scaredy cat but for being just plain stupid. Exhaling in one long breath and then slowly inhaling, she prepared herself for what she had to do. She placed her hands on her knees, scooting closer to him as slowly and quietly as she could.

Tipping her head to the side, she spoke softly to him with undertones of placation, "Good morning, Lord Sesshoumaru. How are you feeling?"

Realistically, she didn't really expect an answer. Even if he'd been his normal self, he wouldn't have answered her because she was beneath his notice. Had he been in his right mind, he'd have probably ignored her and the question. Or...if he had deigned to take notice, he would have glared at her before making a curt insult about humans scornfully directed at Inuyasha, rather than at her, before walking away calmly. But those were all reactions. Not good reactions and most assuredly not reactions she liked or was really looking for but it was better than nothing. And nothing she had in over-abundance. He did nothing. Said nothing, just sat there without even so much as a muscle twitch. The only indication she had he was even alive was the slow rise and fall of his chest and occasionally when his eyes would blink.

It was disconcerting to say the least. The whole situation put her at odds and his whole non-reactive...ness...was giving her the wiggins. It was strange. Very strange that he didn't seem to react to anything. Miroku said that they'd only just set foot in the cemetery and he'd growled. Kagome had begun to wonder if the monk was imagining things, because clearly you could set off a chain of screaming firecrackers right next to his ear...She paused as a very strange, possibly crazy idea came to mind. All demons, regardless of species, had very good hearing. This was especially true in regards to dog demons. Their hearing was quite acute, even if said dog demon was only a hanyou. And if that dog demon was a daiyoukai...

She lifted her hands up slowly. Holding them in such a way that she looked as if she were about to clap her hands over a fly. She stuck her tongue out in concentration as her hands hovered next to his ear. "This is without a doubt the stupidest thing I've ever done. Maybe I should have said goodbye to everyone before...AH! Don't think that way, Kagome! Just do it!" She winced and closed her eyes, clapping her hands in one quick, hard motion right next to the daiyoukai's ear. The sound echoed harshly, even in her own ears. She sat there for a moment still holding her hands out as if in prayer as she watched him. Her palms had slapped together so violently that the skin had reddened. It tingled a bit and after a beat, she set her hands back in her lap, rubbing them together to rid herself of the irritation. All the while, she watched the daiyoukai for a reaction and was rewarded with a world of nothingness.

It was like she wasn't even there. The thought passed and it astonished her. Moments before she'd been patting herself on the back that she'd gotten this far without a reaction. Now, she wasn't so sure that was a good thing. In fact, she was becoming surer by the moment that it wasn't a good thing...at all. Perplexed, she waved a hand in front of his face. It was another boldly stupid thing to do but she did it anyway, and was rewarded with the same silent non-reaction. Not good. Not good at all. Cautiously, she scooted closer and biting her bottom lip into oblivion, she set her hand on top of his arm. Surely, he wouldn't put up with a human touching him. Her eyes flickered from her hand to his face and back again. He blinked languorously but did nothing.

Kagome scowled worriedly, feeling very alarmed at Sesshoumaru's behavior or lack thereof. She decided to push the envelope. Her hand rested on his arm but the skin was still covered by his sleeve. There was a layer between her flesh and his, so perhaps the contact was unobjectionable to him for that reason alone. She pushed the sleeve back and in the guise of taking his pulse, she firmly grasped his wrist. Her fingers pressed into the soft flesh as she held them there, watching Sesshoumaru carefully the entire time. His pulse beat slowly but it was strong and very regular. Despite this, he didn't blink or even seem to notice that a human being...a filthy human woman that was his brother's companion, was touching him. This was beyond alarming.

"Lord Sesshoumaru, are you well?" She questioned politely, feeling proud of herself for sounding so calm as her voice rang clearly and loudly in the tranquil morn. "I've come to examine your wounds." She waited for an answer and received a vast array of nothingness, "That is...if you don't mind..."

His hair tangled gently in a sudden gust of wind which lifted it up to sway in ethereal mid-air. The breeze that caught it let it go just as suddenly and it floated back down to settle on the ground. He blinked again in languid succession, closing his eyes when his breathing hitched momentarily before evening out. His eyes opened with painful slowness, yet he made no effort to acknowledge the person who sat at his side in stunned silence. It was discouraging. She needed to know it was okay to do what she had to do without the danger of decapitation. She scowled and exhaled sharply which inadvertently blew her bangs out of her eyes.

Steeling herself, she spoke up again, this time not hiding the seed of peevish aggravation that twisted in the back of her mind, "I'll have to remove your haori. Unless of course, you object..."

As expected, he didn't answer, even when she came close enough for her legs to touch his. Not even when she reached out and began to loosen the haori. His eyes stared forward, unseeing. They were blank, bleak orbs tainted a dark blood red. The world was glazed and hazy to him, masked by unfathomable darkness. Trapped within himself, all he could do was watch what little of the world could reach him. Kagome sighed heavily for the hundredth time that day. If the completed jewel had fallen into her hands at that moment, she was sure what she'd wish for but it didn't.

Wishing didn't do much good anyway. She had a duty to uphold. With great resolve, she boldly leaned over farther and worked the haori from his pants. Such action no longer embarrassed her. When she first started her training, she'd often get flustered at the mere sight of a shirtless man. The very idea of forcibly undressing one, like she was now, was enough to make her cheeks glow neon red. But after four years of it, she'd lost her girlish squeamishness. In order to get the job done, she'd adopted a sort of clinical view of the human body.

She'd been the main healer for the entire group. This meant she often saw Inuyasha and Miroku without shirts on, and occasionally even Kouga. And with the frequency with which all three of them got injured, she had no time to be embarrassed over a little exposed flesh. Sesshoumaru was no exception, even though she'd never treated him before. She pulled the left flap of his haori off and exposed his chest. The young priestess didn't even blink twice, regarding the youkai with distant professionalism. As if she'd seen his chest everyday and had become bored with it. The only thing that stopped her was her first look at his missing arm. She froze mid-gesture as the garment slipped off his shoulder. Her left hand was clasped onto the right flap of the haori. The other hovered just above his exposed chest as she stared at the stump that was once his left arm. Shaking her head, she pulled his right hand out of its sleeve. She struggled with it as his arm had gone limp and pulling it out of its sleeve was like trying to undress an oversized rag doll.

After a few minutes of fighting with the sleeve, she managed to pull his arm free of it. Folding the garment neatly, she laid it next to her only after she'd set his hand back in his lap. She was now free to begin her ministrations and dutifully began to remove his old bandages. As she peeled them away carefully, she had to grimace at the condition of his wounds. Some of the larger lacerations had bled through and upon close examination; she noted they were still open and raw. They hadn't really healed at all. Some hadn't even clotted and still trickled blood. Thankfully, the bandages had caught most of it and his new clothes hadn't been stained. Still, this was not good.

Worried now, Kagome swiftly pulled her supplies from her pack, not caring if her sudden flurry of movement would upset the daiyoukai. She gathered her supplies together, her hands working with sharp, urgent grace. She pulled out a small metal pan and filled it with two parts bottled water to one part hydrogen peroxide. Her fingernails bit into the plastic packaging on a surgical sponge. She tore it open and immediately dunked the sponge in the water, squeezing out the excess before she began to clean the skin around his wounds. Her hands journeyed from the pan of water to the daiyoukai's chest and back several times. She did this until the water turned dark red. Kagome had counted the number of times she had to dump out the old water and replace it with new. Five times. She had to change it five times. Eventually satisfied that the wounds were clean, she blotted his skin dry with an old beach towel.

During the entire episode, she found herself unconsciously avoiding the stump of his arm. Sometimes, she'd catch herself staring at it as if transfixed. She'd taken it from him. Not directly, but because of her, he'd been disabled. She felt disgusted with herself, remembering her feelings the moment she saw Inuyasha lop it off. At the time...at the time, she had felt victorious. Sure, there was guilt but it was quickly tossed away. He'd deserved it. He tried to kill her. That's karma at work, Kagome. That's what she told herself. It had never bothered her, even when she met Rin. She never thought for a moment about the arm he lost or how he lost it. Never spared a moment of regret for him, as she had with so many others...never...until now. Would he have been able to protect Rin better if he had both arms?

It was irrational to blame herself for it, but she did anyway. Just like she blamed herself for breaking the jewel even though it had only been an accident. Her eyes softened and though she didn't cry, she kind of wanted to. Hitching a sigh, she reached out and lightly touched what remained of his left arm. If there was a way for her to give it back to him, she would. Another regret, another wish. Wish in one hand, Kagome. Crap in the other and see which piles up first. Her gaze flickered to his face, still impassively blank and staring out into nothing.

"I'm sorry." She whispered as her lip trembled and she found that she couldn't look at his face any longer. Wiping a tear away, she continued, "...For a lot of things."

Kagome had to stop. With her head in her hand, she tried to reign in her emotions because her hands were shaking too much to continue. After several very tedious, near tear-stained moments, she composed herself and finished bandaging him. Before she replaced his haori, she moved on to her final...most odious duty. Giving him the tranquilizer. She quietly readied the needle, pulling it from its pack and uncapping it. Taking the Diazepam in one hand, she quickly plunged the needle in. Steadily, she drew the fluid into the syringe, watching carefully for air bubbles. Once she'd reached the line that marked the proper dosage for his weight and height, she pulled the needle free from the ampoule. She thumped the side lightly as she held the syringe upright, needle pointing towards the sky. Kagome lightly pressed the plunger twice, before looking at the syringe a second time. Satisfied there were no air bubbles, she continued to hold it aloft before regarding her silent companion again.

"You did very well, Lord Sesshoumaru. Much better than your brother...but I should have expected as much." She said brightly, trying to keep things light. Not only for herself but for him as well, not that he'd notice. Still...She smiled before speaking again, this time more softly, "We're almost done but...I'm going to have to give you some medicine now for the pain." Holding out the needle for his examination, she inhaled deeply before continuing, "This is human medicine from my village. It's very powerful. I suspect you probably wouldn't really want it but...I think, what with the poison and all...well...You're not really healing normally. And we want to get you on your feet as soon as possible. This'll just make things easier, till Sango gets back and we can patch you up for good. I have to inject it into your arm. It'll only hurt for a moment."

Kagome finished her rambling explanation, adding in her head, "I'm sorry and please, no decapitating the healer. I REALLY like my head where it is." She straightened out his arm, so that the soft skin at the crook was exposed. Patting it lightly, she looked for a good vein to use for the injection. She found one and carefully lined the needle up with it. The needle was pressed into his flesh with swift, sure precision. Assured it was in properly, she slowly pushed down the plunger, injecting the clear liquid into the daiyoukai's veins. Once the syringe was emptied, she pulled it from his arm and stuffed it into a little biohazard container her mom had obtained for her. She pulled out an adhesive bandage and applied it to the small puncture wound before replacing his haori.

"Nothing to it!" She thought, doing a little mental happy dance that she manage to get through this far and keep her head. "Hurrah, for head having!"

There was a perfunctory stretch of silence as she gazed at the daiyoukai, waiting for something...anything...to happen. When nothing did, she picked up her things and stuffed them back into her pack. There was really nothing else for her to do but make her hasty exit, head in tact. Then she remembered the flowers her mother had given her. They stuck so innocently out of the top of her bag. Her brows furrowed as she curled her hand around the stems, gently tugging them out. She fingered a petal absently before bringing them to her face. It smelled like the ground just after the rain but before that unpleasant worm odor. Earth. It smelled like earth, like the grave and she stifled a sob.

Barely keeping herself together, she pulled the flowers from their cellophane packaging. She shoved the cellophane deep in her bag. A world weary sigh escaped her lips and she stood slowly but resolutely. She winced as her knees popped from sitting so long. Her feet felt like lead and each step towards Rin's grave just dragged. Eyes glazing over, she became much like the daiyoukai, eyes blinded to all else but that little grave. Her mind was a thousand miles away and it took a minute or two for her to register the sound that came from just behind her. It was a deep, menacing growl that caused the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up.

Inuyasha had made a similar sound but there was always a hint of humanity in it. She'd never tell him this but when he growled like that it reminded her of her brother, making Godzilla sounds as he played with his action figures. It would have cut the hanyou's pride too deeply. The memory of that sound juxtaposed to the one that came from behind her would have caused her to laugh, had she not been terrified beyond rational thought. This was no human making dog noises. Not even a hanyou making dog noises. Even a dog making dog noises would have been more welcome at this point.

This growl sound very real. Inhumanly so. It felt as if the sound were projected on extra loud speakers because she could swear she heard it reverberating in her chest. A snippet of a nature show she once saw flashed in her mind before winking out. It had been about wolves...or maybe wild dogs. A slo-mo picture of a wolf or some kind of dog skipped through her memory, as it tore its prey's throat out. The ungulate lowed mutely before all the wolves pounced on it, barking and snarling wildly. Except this wasn't on television, where the wolves were safely a world away and she had the distance of the television to protect her. This was right...behind...her. Nothing separated her now. There was no TV tube that was easily turned off. No dashing hanyou in red to save her now. Just herself, the Monk and a very slim hope.