In a Blue Moon

Chapter 3 – Sanguine Moon

Blood.

Kill. Die. Die, Inuyasha! Claws, sinking into flesh – smell of blood. His blood. Die! For Him, for me, die! Pay!

No, not his blood. Human. Young. A child.

Rin.

I am killing Rin. No. Stop. What…?

Headache… Everything is red. A deep growl, full of bloodlust. Senses overloaded… blood. Blood everywhere. Smell it. Die! Kill Inuyasha! I… must… kill… Inuyasha! He must die!

No! It is not Inuyasha. It is Rin. Release the claws… force them to release. So hard… Headache. I cannot think. Can do nothing but act… Release. Now. I will not kill Rin. It is so hard to think. There is a red haze over everything, and my head hurts so very much… But I will not kill Rin… I will not kill this child in my care…

I force my claws from her flesh, backing away. Take a deep breath. The red begins to dissipate; I can actually feel my eyes turning gold once more. The headache slowly disappears. The smell of blood is still strong, but it does not force me to want to kill. There is blood on my claws…

I look at Rin. She is looking at me with wide eyes – she is nearly crying. Rin does not cry. I cannot believe what I have done.

“Sessho-maru-sama…?” she asks quietly, a quiver in her voice. I have never been violent toward her before. She has seen me kill, has seen how I treat Jaken, but I have never hurt her… until now.

“Me- m’lord?” Jaken asks, his voice matching hers. I have frightened them both very badly.

“I… am sorry, Rin,” I say. I slowly stand up, unobtrusively inspecting the girl, trying to determine how badly I have harmed her. To my bottomless relief, she is not badly hurt – my claws were at her throat, but the injuries are superficial. There is not even that much blood. “Jaken, tend to her wounds.”

“Y-yes, m’lord…” He scampers away to fetch water to clean them, with a lingering backward glance over his shoulder that he thinks I do not notice.

There is thunder, lightning, wind... I am doing this too? Yes. I calm the storm, unobtrusively, and sit far away from her. I should never have done that. I should never have harmed Rin. I am not protecting her when I pose a danger to her myself. I am unfit.

It was a dream. I was dreaming of killing Inuyasha and I attacked her in my sleep. I could very easily have killed her, and Jaken, and awoken in the morning to discover my crime only after it was far too late. I cannot possibly remain near them in my present state – I know it may very well happen again, and I may not be able to stop myself. I chose to live because I did not wish to leave them unprotected – yet who will protect them from me?

“Sessho-maru-sama, what happened?” She comes a little nearer to me, still wary. I do not know what is going through her mind, but I am sure it is not the truth. Perhaps she is wondering if she has done something wrong. I doubt that there is very much she could do wrong which would incite me to attack her so.

“It was not intentional, Rin,” I tell her. She just looks at me with her wide eyes, holding a hand to her throat to stop the sluggish bleeding. “I was dreaming.” The explanation sounds weak even to my own ears. I nearly killed her, and my only excuse is that ‘I was dreaming’? It is no excuse.

Jaken returns before she can ask me to elaborate or explain. She sits patiently still through his ministrations; he is unaccustomedly silent as he works. He is still wary, perhaps frightened, of me. Good. He should be. It could as easily have been him that I attacked, and I do not know if I would have, or could have, stopped upon smelling demon blood, weak demon though it be.

I stay to see that she is properly cared for, though I do not doubt him overly much. No one says a word as he works, and the night is once more returned to its natural silence, the full moon hanging redly above us. I should never have slept this night. I should have sat awake and thought, for at least then I would not have put the two of them in danger. I could not have known, but I should have sensed something, some warning of what I would do in the near future.

I stand as I see that he is finishing. “Jaken, look after Rin. If I have not returned within two days, you must find somewhere safe to stay. If I have not found you within a week, you must assume that I will not be coming back, and find another to protect you both. Perhaps Rin should return to her own kind; she will be safer among humans.” I realize I am already speaking as though I do not plan to return. At this moment, I do not know if I shall. I think perhaps it would be better if I did not.

“Where are you going, m’lord?” He sounds anxious. I understand why. We are not in friendly country here, and perhaps even leaving them alone for two days here is a mistake. Less a mistake than my remaining with them would be, however.

“I do not know.” I say this because I do not know where Inuyasha is, but I know what I am leaving to do. I am going to kill Inuyasha, as I should have done on so many occasions in the past. Then I will not be a danger to those in my care. I will not have dreams of killing him that cause me to attack them as I sleep, and I know that my control over myself when I am awake is enough to keep them safe from me. Killing Inuyasha is no longer merely a goal – now it is an imperative. I will kill him this time, or force him to kill me in the attempt.

Not another word is spoken as I walk away. I know not what they are feeling. Confusion is part of it, I do not doubt. They do not understand what has happened. I cannot explain it; I can only try to fix it.

- - - - -

My two days are past. They have already moved on to try to find a safe place to stay, until my return. It grows more unlikely that I shall return with each passing day, however. I have dreamed both times I slept, once awakening to find that I had torn an ancient tree completely down. The place where I slept looked like a battleground when I saw it the next morning, as though entire armies had fought there. I am very much a danger to them should I return.

I have also not yet found any sign of my brother or his companions. I should reach the village where they stay this day; I will find a trail to follow from there.

I find myself continually dwelling upon what I did to Rin. I do not know for sure that it will be safe for me to be near them even with Inuyasha dead; more and more I am beginning to come to the conclusion that I should never return, even if I do succeed. They do not need me; they will find another guardian, or they will not, but either way I think they would be safer without me around.

Weak. I am incredibly weak, to give in so to these emotions… My father would be ashamed of me; I already am. Still, I have no choice but to continue on my path and destroy my brother or myself, or possibly both. I can neither live nor rest in peace knowing that he is alive, with the shame of his having beaten me in such a manner. If it means my death to get away from that, so be it. I will die fighting him, then.

The village is just ahead. The next stage in my quest.

Then I smell him, downwind of me. He is already alerted to my presence then. His entourage is further away; he has separated from them and is approaching me. Very well; I will oblige him and meet him halfway.

Within minutes, I see him, a flash of white and red in the forest. He has some things to learn about camouflage, but of course I am little better. I know he sees me as well, and I suddenly want very badly to kill him. Not only to protect those I have an obligation to, but because he hurt me. He has wounded me and hurt me in ways he cannot even know, and I want my revenge, now.

Toward that end I rush him, swords ignored, claws flexed. I have very little control over what I am doing; I just want him dead. He barely turns toward me with wide eyes, taken by surprise by my attack and leaps backward, almost too slowly. How did he detect my attack? I was moving too fast for him to see…

I hear the low growl coming from my throat, dangerous and angry, such as I heard when I awoke attacking Rin. Have I lost control of myself so much that I gave myself away without realizing it?

Yes. Without stopping to think, I am almost instantly behind him, claws slashing… He dodges again, but barely. I nick his arm, drawing a hiss of pain from him.

“Sessho-maru! Stop, damn it!” His hand is pressed to his arm, staunching whatever blood may be flowing. Good. It will slow him down…

I growl louder as I attack him again. I no longer care if he is unarmed… or even if he has his back to me. I will kill him, and I care not how or what the circumstances may be. Die, Inuyasha… The world begins to turn red. The demon is escaping… the thought makes me smile slightly. I will tear him limb from limb…

He does not attempt to dodge me this time. Has he chosen to face his death with honor? Is he frozen with fear? That is a satisfying thought… I was honestly frightened of him when he transformed; it is good to have returned the favor. What – he raises one hand. To ward me off? Pitiful.

Then I realize. Even in my bloodlust-filled haze I try to avoid him, to stop my attack and draw back, but to no avail. He hits me lightly.

In the forehead.

I draw away from him and fall to the ground, landing in the soft grass as my eyes return to normal. No… I want to kill him… I do not want to feel this, not again. How could you, Inuyasha? How could you take advantage of my weakness like that?

I stare at him, eyes slightly wide. I am sure I make a comical spectacle; me, Sessho-maru, sitting in the grass, staring up at my brother. What emotion does my face show, unguarded like this? I do not know, but I think that it is important. Please, let it not be what I am feeling…

“Sessho-maru…” He is smart enough not to come too near me, instead crouching where he is some feet away. I eye him, but do not move. What would be the point?

“What happened to ‘I’ll never bother you again’?” Eyes and ears focused on me, head cocked slightly to one side in a parody of a curious dog. I feel as though I should feel bad, a pet that has disobeyed and disappointed his master…

But I am no pet, and I have no master. “I have changed my mind.” My claws dig into the ground, cutting furrows through the moist soil… but I still do not attack. He will fight me unfairly, and this will only end as it did the last time we fought, and while my body right now wants exactly that, I do not.

“Look, Sessho-maru…” He trails off, unsure. I am sure he searched me out to tell me something.

“Say what you found me to say.”

He looks at me for a moment. “I’m sorry,” he says finally, quickly, as though embarrassed to have said it. He appears to be unable to meet my eyes. I would think it would be the other way around, I unable to meet his.

I am silent, and he glances at me, ears lying nearly flat. “I’m sorry,” he says again, louder. I still show no reaction. “I shouldn’t have done what I did, and I don’t know why I did… I never meant to do… that. It was just… something about you…” He shrugs slightly, hunching over, unsure. He probably thinks that I still intend to kill him. There is little danger of that; he knows how to stave me off.

I do not know whether it is my body or my mind that is making me feel this, but I am touched. He actually apologized… No one has ever apologized to me before, without pleading, or at least fearing, for their life. It does not make what he did any better, defiling the memory of what my father and I did, but I do not think that I want to kill him as much as I wanted to ten minutes ago… even as much as I have my entire life. Right now… I do not mind his existence.

He seems irritated with my continued silence. “Fine,” he says, standing. “I was trying to be nice and apologize, but if you don’t want to accept it, fine. Next time, I’ll be sure to fight ya just like you want, if you’re gonna be a stubborn jackass.” He stalks off, leaving me sitting in the grass, watching him go. My ears pick up his muttering. “Shouldn’t have even bothered…”

I silently watch him walk away, through the trees, a muttering red and white figure. I am still somewhat shocked… He apologized, instead of figuratively ‘rubbing it in my face’, holding my humiliation over me. He realized that he hurt me, and instead of enjoying it and planning to take advantage of it, he apologized. He is too human… the concept is a nearly foreign one to me. I would never dream of doing such a thing… and I am touched that he did.

“…Inuyasha…”

He turns back to face me. I only spoke on accident; he stares at me for a moment, as I stare back at him, then turns around and disappears, hopping into the trees to go back to his friends.

I sit there for a long time; I do not know how long. Nor do I know what I was thinking about the entire time. All I know is that when I move again, the sun is setting, throwing long shadows, darkening the area under the trees, though the clearing I am in is still partially lit.

I stand, looking slightly down at the ground. Shall I go back now…? No, I do not think so… What, then? What will I do with myself now? If I no longer wish to destroy Inuyasha…

I will stay here tonight, and in the morning I shall decide what I will do. After I have seen what my dreams are like. If I have destroyed nothing when I awaken, I may go back to them.

Or, I may not.

- - - - -

I open my eyes as the sun touches me. I inspect the clearing before I move; it appears undamaged. Very well; it will presumably be safe for me to return to Rin and Jaken. I will probably not kill them in my sleep, at any rate.

I stand and pick up my armor, though I slept in my clothes. It is torturously slow to fasten it, but there is no other recourse; I cannot carry both it and the fur, and I must leave. The smell of Inuyasha is all over this place, and it is doing something to me, making me feel things I would rather not feel. I refuse to dwell upon the fact that such a reaction is being forced without him having touched me.

Eventually, I am redressed. The fur comes to my hand as I call it silently, and I throw it over my shoulder and quickly leap into the trees to escape the area. I must get away from here; just being here, I want him. I do not want his blood, his death, his suffering – I want him. I want him to take me like my father did, and I do not want to want that.

I breathe a small sigh of relief as I finally escape his scent, and can detect no trace of him. My body is slowly calming itself, and I can now walk comfortably without having to worry about what the smell of him is doing to me. With any luck, I can forget about it.

I will spend one more night here, I think, wherever I find myself when night falls, then return to them, unless I find a reason not to.