CLAIMING KIN by Salome and Talon

Healing

By Salome and Talon

Warning: Shouta. Smut. Kinks of many varieties. Don’t read it if you don’t want to.

Authors' Note: [begin soap opera music] Healing comes in many ways. Kin's split pieces do their best to heal themselves, while Sesshoumaru struggles with his failure and guilt.

Finally it is quiet again. No matter how much Ken tried to explain that he needed to retreat and allow me to take back control, the healer argued. Argued and argued and would have yelled had Onii not spoken so sharply. We knew that some of the healing would go back when I took control again. Ken is youkai and his body is stronger. But Ken had already fought and protected me and healed all the big hurts. And he needed rest. And it was time for me to come back out.

I ache all over. Papa stopped the biggest bleeds right away. I know that. Papa came and Onii snarled at him, but then Papa made Onii calm so that Onii could let me be helped. We got our healing from Papa. We belong to Onii, but we understand now a little better what it means that Papa is our father. We always knew. But it is not the same now.

I have some scabs, but most of what I have are bruises. The whip cut and made me bleed, but it hit so hard that I have deep deep hurts even though the cuts healed fast, with Ken’s strength and the healer’s skill. Some of my bones were broken too, but they are healed. They ache though, like the bruises.

I knew it would hurt more. We know these things, Ken and me. We know what it is to be ourselves and each other. Just as Ken knows when to come and protect me, I know when it is time to protect Ken. Ken hides some of what happened from me, but he will not forever. I am not afraid, because Onii says I am safe. And the bull is dead. Everyone tells me to be not afraid…but I am not. Ken was not afraid.

Ken is stronger, but I am bigger, inside. Even though my hanyou body is weaker, it is who we are, mostly. Sometimes we are human, and sometimes youkai. But mostly hanyou. So our hanyou body must heal. And I must know. I must breathe and watch and wait and listen. Kin is the one who must make things right again. Ken is so tired. He has not gone away completely, but he is asleep, within us. Resting deeply.

Even though Ken is stronger, he makes some things harder. He would not eat except from Onii’s hands, and he would not let anyone but Onii near him and Onii would not let anyone close to us without Papa right there making Onii calm so the healers could work. So Kini could not come to him. I know that Kini gave her milk anyway. Onii said so when he fed Ken the rice porridge that was made for him. It was made with Kini’s milk, just for Ken. To help him grow strong again and heal. I tried to convince Ken to let Onii bring Kini, but he could not. That is why he needs to rest now.

I am very quiet, because I am thinking, and because I am tired. The afternoon grows long, and Jaken-sama sits beside my bed. Because I have come out now, Onii and Papa may leave me for a time. Ken loves Jaken-sama same as I do, but he could not allow Jaken-sama this close. Jaken-sama is the one who killed the bull who hurt us. Jaken-sama made sure everything was safe. Jaken-sama…I turn my head towards him and say his name.

“What is it Kin-san”? His voice is worried at once. I shake my head. “May Kin have some water, Jaken-sama?”

“Of course.” He gets up from his stool and goes to summon Onii, but I stop him.

“Jaken-sama…I just can’t reach it…please can you get it for me?” The cup and pitcher are beside me, on the table, but my arms are too hurt to lift and pour the heavy water, and I would spill. I know he thinks he needs to get Onii because of Ken. He comes back though, and carefully pours the water and holds the cup for me to drink from. I am glad he does, because just drinking makes me tired and I lay back in the bed when the water is half gone. “Thank you Jaken-sama.”

He smells relieved as he sets the cup back down and resumes his place…this time patting me gently on the head. “Are you hungry, Kin-san? Lord Sesshoumaru said you may summon Kini at any time, or if you need him, he will come at once…”

“Maybe in a little bit Jaken-sama, thank you. I’m just tired now.”

I close my eyes, and open them to dusk and the healer fussing. I shrink away from him, and he is exasperated. I hear his voice and his words. I am being difficult…a difficult hanyou. Ungrateful…why haven’t I eaten. Why has the medicine not been brewed and given to me? He is not the old healer, Onii’s healer, but his apprentice.

I know him, Ken knows him…but…his voice is impatient, his hands impatient. I whine softly and try to pull the covers over my head. The healer reaches for me, but I hear a crack of wood meeting knuckles, and the old healer reprimands his student.

I don’t pay any attention to them, because I’m panting from the effort of trying to not be touched by the apprentice and the heavy blankets and furs. I want Onii. Please. Please. Kin belongs to Onii. Please. I don’t realize that I’ve said anything out loud until I hear Onii’s voice and feel his hand on my face.

“Onii is here, Kin. You are safe.”

And I am.

~ ~ ~

I try hard not to lose my patience when Yumi offers to stay and "see to my needs" after she has drawn my bath. Kin would tell me she is only showing concerned for my well-being. And my well-being is certainly worthy of concern right now.

Rationally, I can explain away my anger and self-doubt, my fear and self-loathing. I can invoke my father's gruff reassurance; my mother's strong, tender concern; Jaken's willing—more than willing—acceptance of all blame; Ken's clinging need; Kin's reminder that, now and always, he belongs to Oniisama. And yet it cannot pierce even the most superficial layer of my hide to enter my heart. I failed my boy and I am worthy of neither his trust nor his adoration.

I snap the "No" in response to Yumi's well-intended offer, then gain control over my voice if not my scent, and thank then dismiss her. The bath is especially hot. I treasure the steam that masks my shame and the heat that scalds and punishes me for it. I have no hope of getting clean.

After only a few moments of soaking and trying to blank my mind of the swirling mess it has become, I lose the battle. Though I was doing Kin no good simply hovering and flooding the room with the heavy, near-toxic scent of my discontent and frustration, I did not want to be alone with myself. So, now I sit, actively slowing my breathing and struggling to relax my muscles, unclench my teeth, and keep my poison back. The last is most purposeless: exactly who am I going to attack? Constantly feeling my pulse race and my poison rush to the surface beneath claws and behind fangs with no one to attack…except myself. And I could not poison myself even if I should wish to.

Perhaps I do have some consolation. Kin will not die and I do not wish to die. For a few hours I did, I think, truly did feel giving up my life was the only answer to the pain of having failed my boy so completely. But when that passed, it did not come with any confidence that I do not deserve to die. Only knowing that no other loves Kin as I do and has the potential to offer him the life I can truly sustains me…and then only with trepidation and deep misgivings.

I know what I must do, of course. I must focus on the practical. Let my body relax while my mind stops spinning madly and force it to do my bidding: find practical means to make Kin safe. Better guards, certainly. Clearer instructions to servants, yes. But he must also bear something stronger than my scent, more forceful than any scroll. I will not rest until I reach a solution and carry it through.