Thank you Daniella for beta-reading.
Pink Carnation: I'll never forget you.
Pink Carnation
Chapter 21: Pink Carnation
The night had fallen while Kagome lay in the hospital bed. Her eyelids were heavy because of her lack of sleep but she could not find rest. Her mind was disturbed as she attempted to put together the events of then and now. She had liked her life back then. Seeing Sesshomaru every day, their friendship, the bond they had… but during the past few weeks it had been taken away.
For the last year Sesshomaru had always been there with her; every step of the way. He had cared for her, been by her side and had tried to provide her with everything he could. No, she had not forgotten all that, but those things alone were unfortunately not enough to quench the anger within her. She was
hurt. Maybe it wasn't fair since Sesshomaru had done so much for her, but she couldn't help it. He was one person she cared deeply for and she felt betrayed. If it was selfish, then so be it. She was far from being perfect, but then so was he. They were both flawed in their own way.
She pushed her bangs away from her eyes before sighing and turning her head so she could gaze at the ceiling.. Silence was surrounding her and she was completely alone. Ever since that incident a year ago, she had never been alone. People were always around; doing their best to make sure she was fine. The accident she had recently hadn't helped. Once more, people had surrounded her as best they could to shield her from the world.
More lies, more caring and more love.
Oh lies, there had been so many of them. Especially from one person she never thought she'd see again. Now that her mind was clear and she was allowed to think about it, Inuyasha truly was pathetic. He had used her accident as a way to get back into her life. He knew there was no way she would take him back unless she didn't remember him. Apparently Kikyo wasn't all that Inuyasha had hoped for. Inuyasha had been willing to marry her just because he was afraid she'd remember what he did.
Maybe he was the most selfish of them all. He never did love her. If he had feelings for her then he wouldn't have attempted to trap her in a world of unhappiness. He would have thought about the fact that she had no desire to be with him and he would have left her alone.
Wasn't that what Sesshomaru had done?
When he had found out she didn't remember him he had made sure to not cause her pain or confusion. He hadn't even imposed himself into her life. She knew it wasn't because he didn't care. He had done all these things because she was important to him.
The conflicting emotions she felt towards Sesshomaru were enough to bring tears to her eyes. She missed her best friend, she wanted him by her side, but the pain was enough to keep him away. One accident had once again turned her life upside down and she was left to pick up the pieces. The only difference this time was that nobody was there to help her.
Each time a terrible event had happened, someone had taken care of her. This time she had pushed away everyone. Loneliness scared her, yet it wouldn't feel right to have someone take the pain away. Throughout her entire life someone had been there to protect her from the world. On the rare occasion that nobody had shielded her from reality, someone had been there afterwards to make it better.
They all saw her as this breakable porcelain doll. Maybe she wasn't as fragile as they thought.
Actually, she was. She had learned to rely on people, her friends and family. Sometimes it was easier. But perhaps life wouldn't hurt as much if she could face it on her own. After many years, maybe she had to be Kagome all by herself.
Tears slid down her cheeks as she closed her eyelids while the darkness surrounded her. She felt herself shiver but was unsure if it was because she was cold or terrified. After everything that happened it felt as if losing all her safe places would be the most terrible experience. Though it felt like the only answer. Maybe she did have to pull herself away from everything she knew.
Of course she didn't have the first clue on how to proceed, but she'd have to figure it out on her own. She had to learn to not rely on people so much and then perhaps she wouldn't be as hurt and disappointed when they would make mistakes. She had done her share of mistakes; they were human.
A sigh rolled off her lips as she turned to her side, hoping that now that she had ordered some of her thoughts she'd be able to sleep. The less she slept, the worse she felt. She wrapped her arms around herself, her fear still vivid within her mind. Her bottom lip was trembling and she prayed she wound find rest. When she laid awake at night only one person filled her mind, the one person she was trying to keep out of her head; Sesshomaru.
Since all of her memories were newly returned they seemed to be easier to recall then before. Now all she could think about was Sesshomaru and the time they spent together. The laughter, the joy and the love. The only problem was she no longer knew what kind of love was involved in their relationship. His confessions had sent her heart into a panic and she was afraid. She could not feel for him what he felt for her.
Because if she did it would make everything so much more complicated. If she loved him, then she wouldn't be able to be on her own. If she loved him, she wouldn't be able to detach herself from him.
She had to let go to grow.
-P-
All alone again.
Sango had complained, asking Kagome to allow her to stay. Unfortunately Kagome had to turn her friend's offer down and force her to go home. She was still stuck on her decision to be alone for a little while. She didn't mean to be rude, but this was what she needed. She had to clear her mind completely if she wanted to re-organize her feelings.
Her apartment was the same way she had left it before the hospital except for the bloody stain on the floor. It was probably going to be impossible to get that off the floor. Kagome decided to ignore it and walked past it to make her way out of the kitchen. It hadn't change. While her memory had been gone she had done the same things she always did.
She felt as if she was stuck in time. Even without her memory she hadn't made any progress. Even when she had been happy it hadn't made a difference in her life. Maybe because people surrounded her at all time. Not that it brought her unhappiness to be with her friends, but she never broke out of her routine.
She sighed again before her eyes traveled to the art room. That was her favorite place; at least it used to be. For the past few weeks she hadn't visited it that much. As a matter of fact, she hadn't even painted anything in the longest time. It was impossible for her to resist the urge to go inside and inspect it even if she knew it was still as it always was.
Kagome approached it slowly, pressing her hand against the doorway when she reached it. She peeked in with her head first, inspecting the surroundings. The first thing she noticed was that a painting was missing. She couldn't have noticed before because she didn't know it was supposed to be there… but now it was obvious. Her painting of Sesshomaru was missing.
She could only assume it had been stored somewhere when she had lost all memories of him. Perhaps he was the one who had it and it had slipped his mind to return it. Maybe he just wanted to keep it… It was for him anyway.
Her attention quickly focused on something else when she saw the black painting. For a year now the painting had been enveloped in darkness and it was her own fault. She had promised that she would add color when her life improved and despite all of the changes in her life, it had remained black. Why was she not satisfied with the way her life was? She had friends, family and love.
Something was holding her back. The whole drama with Inuyasha had been behind her so she should have been able to fix the painting. Why hadn't she?
Before Kagome knew it, she grabbed the nearest paintbrush. Then, with her free hand, she began to pour different colors on her arm; not too much so it would spill, but enough that she could cover the black. She headed for the black canvas with determination and dipped the paintbrush in the white. She didn't allow herself to tremble as she ruined the solid color of her painting with a stroke of white. It was bold and thick and it was staring right back at her.
A tiny smile tugged at her lips and she dipped the still white end of the brush in the red and proceeded to repeat her previous actions. Her strokes were faster and with brighter colors emerged each time as she refused to stop. The paint was beginning to ruin out, but she still kept dragging the brush around.
The seconds ticked away until finally, she had no colors left to choose for a canvas that used to be nothing but darkness.. Kagome allowed the brush to fall upon the ground with a satisfied smile on her face. She tilted her head to the side, glancing at her new work. The black was barely visible under the layers of different colors and it left her with a lighter feeling her chest.
After this long, it had been time for her to turn that page in her book. Inuyasha might not be able to move on, he might be stuck between two decisions but she would not be. This was her life and for once she was the one in charge of it. She was tired of having someone else influence her and have a say in her every choice.
Bad things happened in life, but she couldn't allow it to put a halt to who she was. After feeling pain and betrayal she wanted to be free of it all. No, she didn't want to be without feelings but she had to be stronger. The problem was she wasn't sure she knew how to be that way. Everyone was always there for her and she didn't have to be.
Perhaps the only true way to be strong was to be alone. At least for a little while. That thought alone was enough to give her shivers and leave her completely terrified.
Could something scary actually be liberating? Could it help her grow?
Colors covered the darkness… and the darkness was hiding colors.
-P-
Nervousness was not a feeling Sesshomaru experienced very often, yet at the moment it was all he could feel. Kagome had called him a few days after leaving the hospital and he had to admit he didn't like it. Surely it
should be a good thing that she was calling him, but he knew it wasn't. Whatever she wanted to discuss, he wouldn't like. His heart was beating faster than usual while he tapped his fingers against the table. He was waiting for her at one of their favorite restaurants, which made it all more suspicious. Why did she want to meet up with him in a public place? What was so wrong with her apartment? Clearly she believed that no fight, scene or anything of the sort would happen if people surrounded them.
But what could it be?
Ending their friendship? It couldn't be their relationship since they didn't have one.
He took a silent deep sigh as his eyes were locked on the door, waiting for her to appear. He was tapping his foot against the floor, knowing he was most likely disturbing the people surrounding him. He was so on edge because Kagome was never late and in a few minutes she was about to be. Was she doing it on purpose just to drive him insane with questions and doubts?
Then again, maybe she had changed her mind and hadn't told him. Maybe she decided she didn't want to do this, so she was leaving him to wait until he would understand that she didn't want him in her life anymore. He wasn't sure which option he hated the most.
It was at that exact moment that the door finally opened revealing Kagome. For a brief instant Sesshomaru felt more at ease. His eyes traveled over her body while she scanned the area for him. She was wearing normal, light blue faded jeans and a simple black long sleeve shirt. No matter what she wore, she looked amazing.
He pondered if he should give her a sign of where he was or he should wait for her to find him. When a few more seconds ticked away, he decided to rise to his feet. It was as he stood tall, his silver hair shining that she noticed him. A sad smile was upon her lips as she headed in his direction, causing Sesshomaru's nervousness to increase.
Kagome felt like her throat was dry when she arrived by the table. A part of her had hoped that he wouldn't show, but she knew it was better if she talked to him. She couldn't go on with what she had in mind if she couldn't talk to Sesshomaru. After everything that happened between them, she
had to do this. Also, for the first time in a while, her feelings were clear. This was the best thing to do.
She licked her dry lips as she sat in front of him trying desperately not to fidget. Sesshomaru waited for her to be seated before mirroring her actions. He hoped she would speak soon or he would not know if he should begin the conversation or order food.
As Kagome glanced around at the people she realized that perhaps this hadn't been the perfect place to have this discussion. All she had taken in consideration was the fact that it was in public, allowing her to keep her emotions in check. Problem was she wasn't hungry and this wouldn't go on long enough to allow a meal. She still had been a little scattered when she had planned everything and apparently had made a mistake.
"I need to tell you something," she finally said, tossing her fear aside. It was worse to let him sit there and think the worst.
Sesshomaru nodded, but remained silent. He could already tell from her tone that he would not enjoy what was coming.
Kagome took a deep breath. "I'm leaving."
She hadn't told anyone but him yet and not all of her plans were figured out but this was all she could do. Her situation at the moment did not feel right and she didn't know any other way to fix it. Her heart clenched at the revelation knowing very well that she would bring Sesshomaru pain. Chances were he wouldn't understand why she was doing it, even if she explained it.
Unfortunately she saw no way around it.
Her words echoed in his mind as he stared at her blankly. Leaving? Leaving could mean many things. Why did she put it so vaguely? Obviously he would have to ask more questions but he was unsure that he wanted the answers to them. His chest felt pressured as if something was holding a weight over it.
Leaving. "You're going on a vacation?" he inquired, feeling as if it was the safest question.
Kagome tilted her head to the left, then the right. She hadn't really thought about it as a vacation, but it could be described as such. "Sort of."
"Where are you going?" The fact that she had somewhat answered positively to his previous question did not make him feel better.
That was a good question; unfortunately she didn't have an answer for it. "I don't know. I'll just see where life takes me." It sounded terribly corny making her want to wince.
Kagome didn't want to have a destination; she didn't need to know where she was heading, she simply had to
go. For once she'd throw herself out there completely ready to get hurt and go through hurdles. She had to toughen herself up without the help of anyone. It was probably safer to do this kind of trip while being surrounded by people but she couldn't do that. This time, she'd face life all on her own. She'd get hurt but she would learn and discover many things. Yes it would be difficult to leave her life and her friends behind but it had to be done. Also, it wouldn't be forever. She'd return home eventually.
There was only one question left for Sesshomaru to ask. "Why?"
Kagome's eyes watered a bit as she offered a small shrug. "Because I've relied on people long enough now."
Somehow the fact that it wasn't about him made him feel just a tad bit better. He thought she had to leave because she couldn't be around
him anymore. After all, last time they had spoken she hadn't liked his presence very much. Now she was speaking to him as if she wasn't even thinking about what he had done. It was as if for once in her life, it was all about her. It was a good thing.
"You can do that here. You don't have to leave for that."
Kagome shook her head. "It's too easy to fall back into old habits. If something happens, I'll be too tempted. When Inuyasha cheated on me it should have been a hard experience. Instead, I found out. I'm not sad I did, but I didn't learn to protect myself. I get hurt too easily."
This time, she was referring to him. Maybe if she had a harder exterior shell, she wouldn't have felt as betrayed. Unfortunately she was like an open book, her feelings out there for everyone to see and damage. She needed to learn how to build an acceptable shell.
"You're leaving because we protect you too much?"
It was almost ironic. He hurt himself to protect her, he did anything for her. He became a person he didn't know how could be. But apparently in the end, he did not help her. A sigh rolled off his lips as he waited for her answer. Strangely he had been hurt more while being around the person he thought he wouldn't. Life was twisted.
"I guess I am. But none of you are to blame. I wanted that, it was easier than to be hurt."
When you have the choice between being hurt and being safe, the decision is easy.
"It won't be forever," she added seeing the pain in his eyes. He had his stoic mask on, but she could see right through it.
"Just until you are satisfied with yourself." Which could take a long time? It felt like he had waited for her for forever. He had thought that eventually he would be with her and yes being her friend was enough. But then, he threw himself out there and she turned him down.
It didn't help that he made mistakes along the way, but one thing was certain; she was not the only one who needed to
grow. It was nice having Kagome, thinking she'd be his one day, but he could no longer do that. Yes, he had picked her as his mate and it would take a long time for him to get over her. But he couldn't wait on a chance that would never happen. "I'm sorry Sesshomaru. I –"
He raised his hand. "No need to explain yourself to me."
"I do," she said firmly. "I care about you. I am hurt, but it doesn't mean I don't care." She reached out for his hand that was on the table and covered it with hers. She did it fully expecting him to pull away. Kagome couldn't help but be slightly surprise when he remained.
"I didn't turn you down," she said as if she could read his mind.
Surprise appeared on Sesshomaru's face as he blinked at her words. Why did it always feel like Kagome was inside of his head?
She didn't accept his declaration, but she hadn't turned it down. Her feelings were clear since she cared for him and he was important, but she couldn't make any decisions when she was confused and hurt. Right now nothing was right and she wouldn't throw herself in a relationship.
"You didn't say yes."
"I didn't say anything."
He nodded. He wouldn't pursue this little conversation any further. If he did, he might just gain a bit of hope. He would have a long time to go before his mind moved on from Kagome. Perhaps she would return by then. If she truly intended on ever returning of course.
"When are you leaving?"
"In a week."
She figured that would give her enough time to pack and prepare a bit before this long trip. She still had to figure out what to do with big things like her apartment and whatnot. Also, it was a short amount of time, just enough to make sure she wouldn't change her mind. She couldn't turn around, so she couldn't give herself time to get scared.
A week. That was all the time he had left with her and chances were he wasn't going to see her in that entire week. No, he wouldn't try to stop her. There was nothing he could do; a love declaration wouldn't work and he would not beg her to stay. If she thought she needed to do this then he would allow her to fly with her own wings.
The only thing he could do for her was sit there and not look heartbroken or devastated. He wouldn't further her pain which meant he would hide his from her. It was a burden he could bear. He would not speak the words he was dying to say. He would not tell her just how much he would miss her and that his life wouldn't be the same if she left.
It was his own pain and he would not share it with her. Maybe it was his own punishment for going to Kikyo and hurting Kagome. But she would never know. He would offer her some help, or money but he knew she would turn him down. It only left him with one thing to do, which was smile at her a bit just so she would be reassured.
"I hope you will find what you're looking for," he said honestly.
Kagome nodded. "So do I."
She felt her heart clenching even more and decided that she had to leave. This was as difficult as she was expecting it to be. Although she thought she would have been able to hold back her feelings until she was alone: apparently not. Then again, Sesshomaru was her weakness, more than anyone else. Even more than Inuyasha ever was.
Kagome slowly rose to her feet and headed closer to Sesshomaru. She bent down and pressed a gently kiss against his cheek. She felt a tingle when her lips made contact with his skin, causing one tear to slide down her cheek. Sesshomaru didn't flinch when he felt the wetness against his flesh instead he remained completely still.
"Goodbye Sesshomaru."
-P-
2:00am Sesshomaru was sitting on his couch looking at the clock as time went by. In a few hours Kagome would be leaving for a long time. Obviously all he could do was stay home; he would not bother her. Still, it left him with a bittersweet feeling. He cared for her and it would be difficult to bear to have her so far, alone and perhaps unhappy.
On the coffee table was a picture of the both of them together. He wouldn't keep it there, but just for tonight he would allow himself to indulge in this terrible feeling. He picked up his glass of wine from the table and sipped it.
Without Kagome, he would return to himself. Perhaps not completely but he would resume his ways of staying away from people and only being by himself. It was the way he was before her and without her there he had no reason to be any different. On top of that, he didn't know when she would return. If she did not, if she failed her promise…
Then that would be fine as well.
He had learned to be alone and he had learned to be with people. If Kagome ended up not being in his life, it would hurt there was no denying that, but he would also live. It would take some adjusting, but he would make it. Kagome had made an impact in his life, which meant he would not forget her. He would keep the lessons and most of all, the memories.
Before her he had been content with his life, never making mistakes and never feeling. When she came along she had showed him a whole new world and even though there was pain inside that world, there was also happiness. He loved her, he probably always would. After all he had chosen her to be his mate. But he could go on being alone for the rest of his life.
He'd just hang on to the past while living in the present.
A part of him hoped that even if Kagome kept him out of her life that she would remember him as well. He hoped he made a difference in her life like she did in his.
He grabbed her picture, his wine glass in the other hand and marched in direction of what used to be
her bedroom. He was holding on tightly to both objects as he stopped in front of the door. He kicked it open with his foot and peered inside. He would not use this room or give it to anyone else. It was hers. It was still filled with her scent and if he kept the door closed, he would always be able to smell it.
He walked in direction of the bed but did not sit on it. Instead, he put the picture on it. He would not remove her from his house, but certain memories had to be protected. It would be easier to feel better about the past if he wasn't constantly surrounded by it. If there ever was a day where the past merged with the present then it would be different.
For now, he wanted to keep this happy moment in
her room. It would protect it from the bitterness he would feel soon. That feeling would also dissipate soon and he would feel at peace.
All he would be able to do was wait around to see if she'd write to him or come back. It was rather difficult to let go. He had been used to protecting her ever since she had come into his life and now for the first time he had to release her. Just like a butterfly, she had to fly away. He had to allow her to hurt herself in order to help her.
Still, he couldn't help to think that their goodbye didn't happen the way he wanted it to. He raised his hand and pressed it against his cheek where he could still feel her tear burning through his flesh. It had almost felt like they had been nothing more than strangers. Their goodbyes should have meant more but they were both too affected to make it right.
It was then that an idea hit him. He could not see her because then he would find himself unable to let her go despise his best wishes. But maybe he could just
fly by her. He wanted one more moment, one more chance to imprint an unforgettable moment in her mind. That way, if she moved on, he'd always be there with her in some way. But time was running out. If he wanted to do that, he had to hurry. He glanced around the room, trying to think of a way he could do that. What would she never forget? What would
she out of all people understand? What secret memory could he make that she'd take with her wherever she went? And then, he knew.
-P-
The sky was grey, the air was humid and the atmosphere gave the impression that it was going to rain. Kagome's mood was strongly alike to the weather while she walked through the streets. In her left hand she was holding on tightly to her one lonely suitcase. She had packed everything she could, everything that was important in one bag so that it would be easy to carry around.
After all, she still didn't know all the places she was going to visit.
Her heart felt a bit heavier with every step she took closer to the airport. If she glanced ahead, she could see it and it only reminded her even more of the decision she had made. She pressed her lips tightly together, their colors changing from a bright pink to a light cream color.
To this point, Sesshomaru was still the only one who knew she was leaving. If she had told her mother, Sango and Miroku she knew they would have tried to stop her. It wasn't like Sesshomaru didn't want to, but he wouldn't get in the way of what she wanted. That was the only reason that she had told him. That and she needed someone to know that she hadn't just disappeared.
She would eventually send a letter to everyone to give them news and so they wouldn't worry too much. Until then, they would have Sesshomaru to reassure them.
The only sound echoing in her mind was the wheels of her suitcase as she carried it through the broken sidewalks. The more steps she took, the closer the airport became. Somewhere deep inside, a part of her was expecting Sesshomaru to show up out of nowhere and tell her not to go. She would still leave, but….
But. However, Sesshomaru wouldn't. Maybe he wanted to and maybe she wanted him to, but he wouldn't. He felt like she had turned him down and she was leaving. Why would he put his feelings at risk once more without any gain? Sesshomaru wasn't going to come.
The seconds ticked away and became minutes until she finally found herself standing right in front of the airport. This was it; this was the last time she would be standing here, in this town,
her town. She allowed herself to do a 360, observing the sight and taking it all in. She would definitely miss home while she'd be gone, but some time away helped in certain situations. A sad smile was upon her lips as she took the remaining steps that separated her from the door. Never once did she look back, not even to make sure if someone was there. Instead she headed straight for the inside of the airport. Her hold on her suitcase grew tighter and her vision just a tad bit blurry as she walked in direction of the counter.
Once she reached it, the attendant smiled at her. "How may I help you?"
"I'm here to pick up my ticket. Higurashi, Kagome."
The girl typed her name on the computer and after a few seconds, her smile grew even brighter. "There it is. All paid for already!"
The ticket printed out and was then handed to Kagome. "Enjoy your trip!"
Kagome took it from the girl's hand. "Thank you."
Would she enjoy her trip? She hoped so. Especially considering the heartache she was experiencing at the moment. She did her best to smile before turning around and heading for her gate. The seconds were passing by and she couldn't do anything to stop it. Her steps were slow as her eyes were locked on the line she had to wait in.
Hopefully it wouldn't be too long before they started to board the plane.
She reached the end of the line and pressed herself against one of the poles. It would be while until she could see all her friends again; hopefully they wouldn't be too mad at her. They did care a lot and she didn't mean to hurt their feelings. She wasn't used to being completely selfish and she didn't know how to deal with it.
Maybe the feeling of guilt would lessen as the days went by.
She tilted her head to allow herself to stare out of the giant glass window. She watched as all the people walked by, while she tapped her foot against the floor. For the first time, she was feeling quite impatient and the area felt way too crowded. She usually didn't mind a crowd, but today it made her feel suffocated.
"Excuse me Miss?"
Kagome snapped her head in direction of the voice, only to find herself staring at middle aged man. "Yes?" she asked a bit confused.
"You dropped this," he said as he lifted a flower that he was holding in his hand.
The bright pink and white shade of the flower was beautiful and the scent was heavenly but Kagome was still confused. She didn't have any flowers. "You must be mistaken, this isn't mine," she said politely.
"Are you sure, because you have a bunch of them on your suitcase."
"My su-" Before Kagome could finish her sentence she peered down at her suitcase, only to catch the sight of an entire bouquet of pink carnations attached to the handle of her suitcase. She didn't have those when she felt…
"I guess I forgot, thank you," said Kagome as she grabbed the flower from the man.
He offered her a nod before turning around, his back facing her once more.
Meanwhile Kagome held the flower in her hand, unable to look away from it. There was only one way the flowers could have gotten there: Sesshomaru. With his speed she would have been unable to sense it. She couldn't help the pain that developed in her heart as she realized just what this flower meant. Of course, she knew that Sesshomaru also knew its meaning.
I'll never forget you. It seemed he had found a way to make his presence known without actually being seen. Still, she couldn't help but glance around, hoping to catch sight of his long mane of silver hair. Unfortunately, there was nothing. Still, a smile appeared on her lips.
I won't either. But this wasn't the end like Sesshomaru seemed to think. She would be back. Next time things were going to be different.
Wait for me.
-The End... for now-
