Oh, What A Howl
A long, deep howl sailed through the skies over the city on the night of the full moon. For one second, there was deadly silence from every dog within listening range. Then masses of canine noises erupted as it seemed that almost every pooch in the city that did not live behind double-glazed windows and soundproofed walls began to howl furiously in response.
***
“Oh,
that’s a good way to start,” Inuyasha chuckled gleefully to Sesshomaru, who lounged in the wicker chair beside his.
They were in their roof garden, basking in the light of the moon, and looking out over the sparkling city skyline as they enjoyed the response to Sesshomaru insulting every dog for miles around by howling out that they were poncy brats who ate all their food minced because they had no teeth and had forgotten how to hunt.
The taiyoukai smiled smugly back at his mate, and said: “Your turn.”
***
As another, coarser, howl tore through the night, dog owners throughout the city saw their pets freeze, hackles raised, then launch into furious barking sprees and angry returning howls.
Some of the dogs, especially the small-breed ones, were apoplectic with rage. But not a single one of their human companions had any idea what had just happened.
Naturally, it was not within human linguistic capabilities to grasp the fact that someone out there had just said something rather offensive in inu, to put it mildly.
***
“
Very creative,” Sesshomaru conceded, after Inuyasha declared all pooches below beagle size the offspring of cuckolded mastiffs whose bitches had mated with cats while the fat and lazy males were asleep in front of the television set.
It even got the cats going, as several angry felines with a rudimentary understanding of the inu tongue yowled and hissed back that mating with bitches was beneath the dignity of any cat.
Of course, it did not stop Inuyasha from adding in another long, sing-song howl that the bitches had actually preferred the sexy cats.
It kept the cats reasonably quiet and mollified, but provoked another furious round of dog howls that spread all over the city.
***
“Whose bloody dogs are doing that?” one agitated man asked as he pulled open the door of his house and craned his neck this way and that in his front yard after several failed attempts to stop his Alaskan Malamute from yodelling its head off.
“No idea,” said his neighbour, who was also scanning the area while clamping his hand over the muzzle of his squirming, enraged Chihuahua. “I’ve been out here for a while, but I can’t pinpoint the source of the initial howls which all the other dogs seem to be replying to.”
“Damn it. What the hell are they
saying to one another?”
“Hey, if I knew, I’d also know how to tell this fellow to stop peeing on the carpet, but I don’t.”
***
“You think we’ve disguised our voices and location well enough?” Inuyasha asked Sesshomaru.
“I would think so. With the echoes we’ve built into our howls, and the way we’ve altered the quality of our voices, none of the dogs we’ve insulted are going to recognise that it was us the next time they hear us speak in inu.”
“I feel kinda bad, though. You know I’m really fond of lots of the dogs out there. Maybe I should howl out something that exempts my favourites from the insults.”
“Let’s see how that goes.”
***
Several households across the city were next astonished to see some of their howling dogs growling resentfully at their other dogs; while canines who had lived next door peacefully to one another for years began charging angrily at the fence, or snootily stalking off with their noses in the air, as Inuyasha sang out that with the exception of certain excellent dogs whose true dog names he announced in a long list, all the other dogs had lost the plot and needed to get their act together because the rats in the sewers were growing a lot smarter than they were.
***
“That was much too kind, little brother,” Sesshomaru scoffed. “Your soft-heartedness is showing. The truth is that every domesticated dog has lost the plot. They are fully dependent on human mercy when they ought to be ruling the world instead.”
“I think the cats have first dibs on that attitude,” Inuyasha replied.
“At least they have the attitude. Dogs have forgotten what it was like when they stood side by side with their wolf brothers and terrorised the world.”
Someone else out there certainly had the same idea, for they soon heard a loud howl from across the city which said:
If wimpy dogs were studly, gorgeous wolves, their bitches would never dream of mating with cats! Inuyasha bristled. “Dammit. That’s Koga. You’ve got to say something back.”
Sesshomaru lifted his face to the moon and sent a rich song back across the sky:
If scruffy, ignorant wolves knew anything at all, they would know that they are even half of what they are today because their mothers had the good sense to copulate with wild inu while the wimpy he-wolves were screwing the cats who then birthed the sewer rats. Total silence fell over the city for five seconds. Not a single dog, cat, rat or wolf – or canine demon – said a word. The five seconds of relative peace, in which only traffic noises were heard, were then shattered by an overwhelming chorus of rage from almost every four-legged animal in the city, including the zoo wolves.
Pet owners throughout the city tore their hair out in bewilderment. What was going on?
Suddenly, a commanding and surprisingly terrifying howl ripped through the night skies, breaching even soundproofed walls and city limits, and everyone who had ears to hear froze as the message came out loud and clear from a ferocious alpha-female voice rich with the depths of age and experience and undeniable power:
If the two misbegotten whelps who started this chaotic argument which has disturbed my beauty sleep, and who think they are so clever and witty, do not SHUT UP THIS VERY INSTANT, they will wish THEY had been sired by rats and birthed by cats, because I, THEIR MOTHER, will fly across the city NOW and cast on them a spell that will pound them into creatures the size of hamsters and shove them into mouse holes for the rest of their lives! Inuyasha jumped out of his wicker chair and fled the roof garden, hauling an indignant Sesshomaru along with him, slamming the sliding, sound-proofed, double-glazed glass door behind them, then casting on all the doors and windows every spell he could think of to keep Mother out.
After some silent consideration, Sesshomaru thought better of challenging the bitch who had birthed him, and joined his half-brother in shoring up their penthouse with defensive spells.
So it was that no further rude howls were heard in the city for the rest of that month.
