'Once I was'

~ ~ ‘Once I Was’ ~ ~
~ ~ Guilt ~ ~


As the moon took its place high in the night sky, its path followed by mournful howls that echoed through the lands. The mournful song carried by the wind and picked up by the wolves, all who heard it understood the pain of its maker.

Inu Yasha shook his head turning away from his elder brother. Every night, every night since that day his elder brother has mourned loosing Kagome. Every night his elder brother’s howls fill the night in a never-ending song that brings all creatures to tears. He clichéd his fist hating every minute of his brothers sadness wanting some how to help but knew there was nothing he could do. For years they searched for Kagome and found nothing, none had heard of her or was not speaking if they did.

Upon the death of their father, Sesshoumaru became Lord of the Western Lands and had to end his search. Now Inu Yasha travels in hopes of finding Kagome or some news to put an end to his brother’s misery.

With a heart heavy from years of guilt, Inu Yasha looks once again to his brother perched on top the palace. He sighed wiping the tears streaking his face, with another sigh he turned and raced away from the palace of the moon. His brothers mournful howls surrounding him the night air weighting down on him like boulders from a cave in.

*88*

To the outside world he was heartless, cold, everyone and everything feared him. Nevertheless, at the same time Sesshoumaru was sought after by many of the other lords, higher and lower who wanted him to mate their female offspring. Because it was demanded of him, he looked them over but when compared in the same light to Kagome they were turned away. Sesshoumaru like the creature within him wanted no other creature at their side but Kagome.

Love made his heart heavy like a stone, guilt ate his soul like scavengers feeding on a corpse. Because he let Kagome be punished for something, he knew she did not do. But Kami he was hurting back then, Sesshoumaru heard the rumors about Kagome having been seen leaving Inu Yasha’s rooms in the early morning hours. If he had listened carefully, he would have heard the servant’s remark on how the girl was screaming Inu Yasha’s name. In his pain he let her be punished, knowing all he had to say was she was in the library all day. Kami he knew her every move she never strayed from her daily routine.

As the sky opened up pouring down upon the world its tears, none saw high above the palace as their lord’s tears joined that of the rain.

He remembers when his mother told him of Lady Kenai pregnancy, he like his father was excited. His father told him never in the history of their clan was there two females born into the bloodline of the sunset. As a pup Sesshoumaru was often looked after by Lady Kenai, so he watched as the new baby grew inside her. Listen to her heartbeat and movements with his ear pressed to Kenai’s belly.

He paced with his father as they waited for news when Kenai went into labor. He still remembered the joy he felt when he took his first look at the tiny baby. Even the worry he felt for her as he held the tiny child in his small arms, she made not a sound besides her breathing. Then the relief he felt when she opened her large jeweled eyes and blinked at him for the first time.

His mother and Lady Kenai even let him name the tiny female, his Kagome. He watched as she took her first steps toward him and felt pride when she fell just to pick herself up again without a tear. From then on, she was always by his side smiling up at him, her jeweled eyes shining bright with adoration just for him. Though Kagome never spoke a word, he never had any trouble understanding her.

Sesshoumaru even took it upon himself to teach the little female everything he learned. When he learns to ride so did her, when he learned combat, he taught her as well. At first, he thought she would give up but every time she fell or he would beat her that only made her try harder.

The times he cherished most of all was at night when everyone was asleep. Sesshoumaru and Kagome would meet in his rooms he would teach her about mediation and how to tap into the power that everyone had. At first he thought because she was human, she wouldn’t find anything. Kagome again surprised him when she started creating barriers. And of course it turned out that she was very good with spells that they learned from his fathers books.

With the lose of his mother Sesshoumaru shut himself off from the rest of the world. The only one who seemed to get a response at all from him was Kagome. Their nights of learning turned into nights of comfort, as Kagome would hold him as he wept shedding tears of grief he hid during the day. She let him rage and brake things, when he collapsed in tears she was there thrumming a strange tune that seem to comfort him.

Never a day went by that he wasn’t amazed by the things Kagome could do.

*88*
Sesshoumaru had just walked into the trees as Kikyo brushed pasted him. He could tell by the smell that clung to her that she had just left Kagome. He would leave his little brother alone for now, because he just knew Kikyo had done something to Kagome. For the life of him, he could not understand the girls’ problem with her little sister. As far as he knew the women of the bloodline of the sunset were happy, cheerful and loving. Kikyo Kami he wonder if the girl might be a little crazy the way she acted.

Shaking his head, he approached his silent friend as she dusted off her kimono. He looked down at the girl that had so long ago captured his heart.

“She did it again right?” he questioned her. She only smiled at him nothing more. He went to hand her the things he had collected for class when she shook her head. He frowned

“Take it I can find more,” she pulled a bag from her sleeve and opened it showing him the contents and giving him another of her brilliant smiles. ‘Well it would seem she is getting smarter where handling her sister’. He held out his hand she quickly took it and they walked to the lake. Sesshoumaru knew she loved it here by the lake that is why he al ways brought her here.

As Kagome stared off into the endless meadow, surrounding the lake she didn’t noticed the golden eyes studying her. Everyone worried for the small silent girl that stood next to him. ‘She never spoke not once, but she can do a good impression of a growl,’ he smirked. Nevertheless Sesshoumaru swore there was moments when he heard Kagome speak.

Like after Inu Yasha was born Kagome and Sesshoumaru had to come up with a name for the new male child. None believed him when he told them it was Kagome who thought up the name and not him.

Sesshoumaru talked his father into letting Kagome and, Kikyo take their studies with him. Of course, everyone thought Kagome slow maybe dumb. She quickly prove them all wrong thought she didn’t talk they quickly found she could read any book in three different languages. Sums were a little trying for her at times but she wouldn’t give up. But nature was what attracted her and kept her attention, it was like she soaked anything about nature up like a sponge.

Sesshoumaru also knew the pain the dark- haired girl her watched hide. Since she looked like her older sister, Kikyo was always getting in trouble and blaming Kagome. Leaving the silent girl to take the punishment for her mischief and sometimes he could do nothing about it.

That’s why Sesshoumaru had taken to keeping Kagome close to him as much as possible.

Though Kagome was human she was his he had named her and seen to her education she was his in every way. When she was old, enough he would show her, Kagome would always be by his side. He smiled and offered her his hand it was time to return to the palace.
**888***

“Kagome would never do such a thing to mother. She won’t even fight her sister back when she attacks her why would she hurt mother?” Inu Yasha spat everyone could tell he was angry.

“Well word is going around the palace that you’re sleeping with her Inu Yasha. So of course you would try to protect her,” Sesshoumaru spat as he walked away.

The next day the word spread that the punishment for Kagome would be a public whipping. Some thought it was too much of a punishment for the child but none questioned their lord. And Kikyo was absent since her talk with Inu Tashio but none seem to notice. When the courtyard was readied, all were told they had to be there, no exceptions would be made.

All night long Sesshoumaru was pulled from his self disgusted thoughts listening to his fathers mate and poor Kenai neither could not stop crying. Kenai sobbed about her poor baby was being punished for something she knew Kagome wouldn’t do. And how no none believed her. Izayoi yelled, cried, and cursed Inu Tashio for hours about his punishment for Kagome.

**888**

Even now years later Sesshoumaru now perched on top the palace letting the rain soak him to the skin, clutching the neck collar in his clawed hand as he still mourned the lose of his closet companion. But instead of cursing his father he cursed himself. And again his thoughts turned inward as again the pain threaten to drown him.

When news of what happened to Kagome reached Kenai the grief stricken mother fell into madness. She was found in Kagomes room dead by her own hand months later. Something Inu Tashio never recovered from, not even his mate could dispel the grief that fell upon the shoulders of the Western Lord. After the death of Kenai Inu Tashio vowed to bring Kagome home and so, they search but found nothing but dead ends. It was as if she had fallen from the face of the world. Inu Tashio finally revealed to Sesshoumaru the secrets of the strange humans that were tried to the white Inu clan.

The bloodlines of the sunset where not just tried to the white Inu clan but the land of the west itself. They were an oddity even to their own race a combination of miko and earth spirit. No lord ever ruled without a female of the bloodline at his side. Inu Tashio explained the first of their kind discovered them completely by accident.

*88*
“Lord Tobe had been building a great palace for his mate and pups when finished he sent for them. Halfway through the Western lands they were attacked. When Lord Tobe had finally reached the scene he found his mate and pups unharmed and fighting off the attackers a strange female. Injured during the fight she ended up recovering from her wounds in the palace. Through she was human she was brave and powerful, Lord Tobe found his youkai strangely attracted to the power the human wielded. As such, she was given a position in the palace. Tobe wanted the female but could not take her as a mate. And she would not have him as a lover, she told him she was in love with another Tobe became jealous. She swore fealty to the first lord of these lands and upon her honor as a warrior gave her word to protect him and his family. But that was enough for him and I am a afraid to say even one of our bloodline sought the help of a dark sorceress to tie what we now call the bloodline of the sunset to the white Inu clan. . . ”

Inu Tashio sighed looking away from the grave of Lady Kenai. Sesshoumaru watched as his father touched the stone almost lovingly before he spoke again. He studied his father seeing the darkness under his eyes, the color of his skin disturbing as if some sickness was eating away at him.

“Assassin, bodyguard, warrior, spy, keeper of secrets, lover, companion, are just some of the roles the females of the bloodline have held over the centuries. I did not want that life for Kenai. I watched as Kenai grew inside her mother’s womb, loved Kenai from the moment she came into this world. My sire saw this and married Kenai to one of his human vassals. Even now years later my son I still love my Kenai”

“But Father Lady Kenai could not have lived as long as you.”

“My son I was a little over 75 when Kenai was born, even at 900 Kenai was such a beautiful creature. Kenai once remarked her bloodline was cursed, humans are not meant to live such long lives. No female of the bloodline has ever lived pasted 900 Sesshoumaru, all are killed in battles, bloody wars in the name of their lords our bloodline. We educate them, teach them combat, love them and in the end they are our shield, our weapons and I was foolish enough to believe I could change that. I should have known something was wrong . . . that she would. You have to find Kagome Sesshoumaru”

*88*

Sesshoumaru shook his head with a sigh that was the last conversation he had with his father. Months later, he died in battle protecting Izayoi who died months later.

“For centuries a female of the bloodline of the sunset has stood by the side of the Western Lord. While the males were married away, the females taught from birth their lord’s moods, likes and dislikes. She becomes like her lord’s shadow, she even has a hand in picking the strongest mate to stand by her lord’s side. The females of the bloodline of the sunset almost run the house of the moon. And because of my failings the bloodline is lost to me and my rule. The Land will suffer I will suffer until she is returned to me,” He stated his golden eyes never leaving the full moon even as the rain stung his eyes.

Never noticing the jewels cutting into his clutched fist as another pained howl lifted to the rainy night sky.