A Glass Half Full

Thanks to animegirl007, Midnight Star, Nikkie23534, Dream-Toxin and Cassie for the comments and I deeply apologise for the eternal wait. I lacked inspiration for this story but now I think it’s returning. Yay! Enjoy!

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Appointment


IiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIiIi


I could almost taste my aunt’s worry as soon as she opened the front door. Her eyes had that wide anxious look that was so characteristic of her, and I recalled the years when I thought of nothing more than rebellion, arriving at one or two in the morning and there she would be, waiting for me with those wide, worried eyes.


She urged me inside and we both went to the sitting room, and I noticed she hadn’t changed it at all since my last visit a few months ago. Despite my nervousness, I lightly inhaled comfortingly familiar scent of the house I had grown up in and I released the breath softly and reminiscently, the memories of my childhood lingering in my mind and then slowly dissolving as I remembered the reason of my visit. Aunt Kumiko invited me to sit beside her on the beige sofa and I complied, taking my time as if it would somehow make what I had to say completely avoidable. Unfortunately, it didn’t.


I cleared my throat. “The house looks so clean. You should come over to my apartment and shine it up for me one of these days.” I said, hoping my aunt wouldn’t notice the slight nervous tremor in my voice. She didn’t seem too, since she gave a soft laugh at my little joke. But I knew she was worried about me, I mean, I had phoned her and asked her if I could come without giving her a reason.


I took a deep breath, feeling my aunt’s worried eye on me, waiting for my explanation. Seeing how uncertainly my lips were sealed, and the way I fiddled with the strap of my sports handbag, she placed an encouraging hand on my uneasy ones. My eyes met hers.


“Rin? What’s wrong?” She asked me softly, recognising the nature of my nervous fidgets as a way to prepare myself, or rather evade, awkward news. But I hadn’t the faintest idea where to begin, I mean, how exactly was I supposed to tell my aunt something like this? ‘I think I have breast cancer’, was hardly the appropriate sentence to start a conversation with. And yet, was it breast cancer? Could I allow such a horrifying thought? At best, it was probably just me making a big deal over nothing as usual, and maybe it wasn’t anything serious, yeah that was it. I had blown this way out of proportion.

“I found a lump…in my breast.” I finally said, watching my aunt’s expression carefully. As I predicted, her eyes became wide with worry and she instantly started asking questions: ‘Where?’, ‘Are you sure?’ and ‘When was this?’


That was when doubt crept its way in and pushed out my previous reasoning. All of this was definitely serious. Hadn’t I seen those medical shows on TV? Where people were given their survival rates in percentages, like some stock market on Wall Street? A tingly fear invaded my body and I swallowed, sensing the rising panic in my aunt’s voice, realising that she was the one needing to be calmed down and not vice versa.


“Look, aunt Kumiko, it’s just a lump…” I reassured her and somewhere in my subconscious a voice laughed. ‘yeah, just a lump, like Mount Vesuvius was just a fireworks display in someone’s backyard.’


“It’s probably nothing.” I said. But my aunt was having none of that.


“Probably nothing?” she asked, her voice high with incredulity. “Rin, you need to see a doctor, and the sooner we get an appointment the better because what you have could only get worse the longer we wait.” She babbled, getting up and then sitting back down again, as if she were at a loss of what to do.


“Why don’t you show me where it is?”


I jumped at her hysteria brought on suggestion. No matter how many times she had bathed me as a child, no matter how many times she had seen me naked years ago, I was a grown woman now and the mere thought of such a thing made me feel extremely awkward. I tried to convey this to her through uncomfortable fidgeting and chewing of my lower lip. Despite her anxiety she apparently got the message, but she still refused to do nothing about my situation.


“I’m going to call my doctor right now and ask for an appointment.”


I nodded. I couldn’t argue with what was necessary. Aunt Kumiko got up and moved around the couch I was sitting on to reach the phone.


“I’ll get her to admit seeing as you’re my niece, and maybe I could tell that it’s an emergency.” She mumbled, dialling the number. I rested back on the cushions, releasing the death-grip I was currently strangling my bag with. I heard my aunt speak with the secretary or whoever handled appointments at the clinic. I sighed. Well, now I would examined professionally, and receiving an medical opinion, which would help clear away my nerves and worries. Or it could be devastating news. No! I wasn’t supposed to think like that! Everything was going to be fine and so was the breast that would hopefully feed a child in the future. Not that I thought about having kids though.


My aunt hung up the phone and returned to her armchair, explaining that the soonest appointment she could get was in an hour’s time and that it would be better if we arrived at least fifteen minutes before, ‘just in case they can see us earlier’. Our doctor’s appointments had always been like that in the past, with aunt Kumiko nagging me to be ready half an hour ahead of time, given the chance someone would get to us sooner. God, that had seemed so long ago. I’d noticed, on the way into her house, how my aunt had obtained a few more grey hairs, decorating the usual black mane that she always managed to tame into a bun. She looked a lot like my father, her brother. It was the same way in which she wrinkled her forehead when she spoke of troubling matters…like now. And she cared about me like no one else did and the reason being because there was no one else. I had her and she had me. I was afraid that this simple detail was in danger of altering because of something small and seemingly insignificant lingering in my left breast.


“…And I recommend that you take a quick shower too, since she’s going to examine you.”


Huh? Quick-shower-who-what is going to examine me? I blinked, trying to return from my wandering thoughts and attempting to put that last sentence into context. Oh, right, shower…examine…me. Got it.


I nodded and smiled gratefully when she gestured towards the bathroom. I left my sports handbag on a nearby cushion and stood, thanking my aunt with my eyes and she nodded once, fully understanding the look.


When I got there, I closed the door of the bathroom behind me but not locking it, my aunt and I were too close for that. I gazed around briefly, noticing the subtle changes she had made. The shower curtain was new… I remembered the old one, decorated with seashells and crabs and stuff. This one was dotted with boats and cute little sailors…mermaids too. I used to be so obsessed with mermaids when I was little, and I used to pretend I was one by cramming both legs into one pyjama pant leg (those were the best because they stretched more), and literally flop around in my bed until my aunt heard me and forced me to put on my pyjamas properly. I smiled at the memory. The tiles on the bathroom walls were different too, matching the shower curtain’s theme. It all felt very fresh and ocean-like, and I even sniffed the air. Mmmm…nice.


I pushed back the curtain and fiddled with the knobs, keeping a tentative hand beneath the gush of water that cascaded from the shower head. Too cold…too hot. I fumbled a bit more with the ‘H’ knob. Aaah…warm. Perfect. I undressed quickly, laying the clothes over the closed lid of the toilet and I grabbed one of my aunt’s flowery shower caps that hung from a hook beside the towels. I didn’t want to have wet, dripping hair for the tests and I knew I didn’t have enough time to blow dry. I caught sight of myself in the mirror and burst out laughing, I looked so ridiculous in that cap! Like an old lady…or some kind of alien. I shook my head with amusement and hopped into the water. It felt so wonderful! Unlike some people, I enjoyed the pleasures of a warm shower immensely. I would relax me, unwind me and infinitely please me, with the fast droplets tickling my skin and the soothing warmth washing away the stress as well as the dirt. I stretched my head back to allow the water to fall on my neck and chest, closing my eyes at the smooth sensation. I loved the way the steam rose and wrapped around my body like a fleeting, vaporous blanket, soft and gentle, swirling and caressing. I found the whole bathing process extremely sensual but I didn’t know if I was sensual myself since I appeared so childlike in ways when I was with people. And, of course, I had gotten so accustomed to being awkward and embarrassed. I wasn’t even sure I knew how to be sexy, or whether I would succeed at pulling it off. Plus, there was no one to prove myself to, being free and single. And just try and look sexy with a flowery shower cap over your head.


I realised that I was standing under the water and staring off into the distance like an idiot. I chuckled at myself and reached for my aunt’s shower gel. I was more inclined to use bars of soap, mostly lavender scented because I loved, loved, loved that smell, but my aunt was more of a liquid soap person. I flicked open the small lid to catch a whiff (smell is ultra important to me) and I was unable to identify it. But what a wonderful fragrance it was! Reading the bottle I discovered it was a peculiar mix of Lavender and Eucalyptus. I squirted a blob on my right hand and replaced the gel. God, that smelt divine! Sweet, yet fresh like minutes after it’s rained. Goodbye bars of soap, hello shower gel!


I began to lather the gel onto my body with my palms, and I would have used my aunt’s sponge but I thought it wouldn’t be right…or that hygienic. I ran my soapy hands over my breasts gently and froze. During all the shower business I had forgotten all about the lump.


As the water pounded on the shower cap, I felt my way around my left breast, near the armpit, somehow foolishly hoping I had imagined the whole thing. A hardness made itself known under my fingers and my heart lurched. Yep…it was still there. Sighing, I rinsed the soap from my body and turned off the water. I stepped out and wrapped a towel around myself, picking up my clothes, though I had a hard time finding them in the mist of the bathroom.


After I dried myself I pulled my jeans on and sniffed at the armpit area of my black top. It still smelt okay, I’d had a shower that morning before work so my clothes weren’t that stinky. When I was dressed, I removed the silly cap from my head and my hair tumbled down past my shoulders, humid despite everything. I tied it up into a ponytail, then I grabbed the damp towel and headed out, feeling clean but increasingly nervous.


I wished there was some perfume or at least deodorant I could use but I was running out of time and I knew how impatient my aunt could get at times. She was already on her feet and by the door when I reached the living room to get my handbag. She glanced quickly at her watch and it was obvious she was anxious to get going.


When we left the house she tutted at my hair, trailing her fingers through it. “Why do you always keep it like that? You have such beautiful hair, if you leave it down you’d look so lovely.”


I smiled. She always, always, always had a problem with my ever present ponytail.


“Remember that little side ponytail you used to have when you were little?” she asked. The image of it popped into my head and I groaned aloud.


“Oh, don’t even remind me!”


Kumiko laughed. “You wore it every day, I remember that…every single day and you looked so adorable like that, especially during the year you had that missing front tooth!”


I slapped my forehead with a hand. My God, I had so many photos like that, my little ponytail and a huge, toothy (or rather toothless) grin. My aunt was laughing heartily now.


“And the way your ‘s’s whistled every time you talked!”


This time I joined in the laughter. For a moment, it felt like I had gone back in time, and I was a little girl again, a little girl with a missing tooth and a silly hairstyle. Then the moment faded and I was an adult again. Our giggles died down and aunt Kumiko sighed reminiscently. We crossed a busy main road and continued walking on. It was a good thing the clinic was just a few blocks away from my aunt’s house. We were already able to see the top of it peeking out from behind other buildings and who of course could miss the huge monster of the General Hospital towering over everything else.


“So, Rin, tell me about work…how’s that new project coming along?” Kumiko asked me. Yes, I started a project with an important client who owned an entire chain of fast food restaurants in various cities of Japan, and they had wanted a brand new image. I stepped up to the challenge at once and I think I may have been just the teensiest bit overeager at the time because my desk was now swamped with work and research.


“Oh, it’s going great but things could be a little easier if my client didn’t change his mind so often. But yeah, I’m making real progress.”


“Really? How wonderful!”


“Yep!”


We walked and walked, taking side streets as shortcuts occasionally. Almost there!


“So, are you seeing anyone?” Aunt Kumiko asked casually. Aha! Onto that subject, were we? I decided to humour her.


“Hm?”


“Have you met a nice young man yet?” She persisted. I sighed inwardly. My aunt was as bad as my friends when it came to discussing my love life. What was wrong with being single? I was fine the way I was…I could act childishly and no one would be there to stop me, I could go wherever I wanted without making plans with boyfriends all the time and I could watch my cartoons everyday without someone changing the channel to catch the game. What was wrong with that? I noticed that my aunt wanted her question answered.


“No, aunt Kumiko. No one yet.”


“But why?” She said, genuinely shocked. “You’re such a beautiful girl!”


Awww, thanks auntie, you always make me smile. But looks aren’t everything and anyway, men want a woman who acts accordingly, a woman who is sensible and mature, not chatty and explosive. I was about to reply to my aunt that I was perfectly fine with my bachelorettic state but I didn’t get to, as we arrived at the glass doors of the clinic.


“Ah, here we are.” Said Kumiko. I accompanied her to the front desk where we were told to go to the waiting room on the second floor, that the doctor would see us shortly. As we got there, we took our seats next to a man a woman trying to control an explorative toddler. They both looked extremely tired, perhaps even hilariously so.


The waiting room was unusually welcoming, cosy despite the air conditioning and somewhat peaceful. Even the plastic red seats were comfy. I watched a man in a white coat stride past, seemingly undisturbed and even winking at the young secretary. My stomach gave a nervous wrench as I remembered what I was here for, so I sat up a little straighter and did the only thing I normally do in these kinds of situations. Talk my butt off. Trying to keep my tone light and animated, I chatted to my aunt non-stop about work, about my friends, about what I watched last night and did she watch the news? Because there was a terrible storm on the other side of the country with four dead, yes four dead and how awful it seemed, and I mentioned the day Reika-chan almost ruined her sketches for an important client because her cat had jumped on the table and knocked over the glass of water that was there and soaked everything but luckily Reika had made about a million copies of the same thing which was good because otherwise she would never have made the deadline.


I paused occasionally for breath and my aunt did nothing but nod and drop a few ‘hm’s and ‘really?’s and ‘Is that so?’s. I wasn’t even sure she was paying attention to anything I said but I was unable to stop, my mouth was moving as fast as my heartbeat and the conversation was becoming mindless and maybe a little nervous, yet I ploughed on saying how much I missed her cooking because the only food that actually tasted good was the Ramen that I bought almost everyday, prawn flavour, always prawn flavour, but I liked chicken too although the soup looked more yellow and more artificial than the prawn and I loved leaving the little prawns for last, remember, aunt Kumiko? Every time she made anything with prawns I would always, always, always leave them for last, and on those Friday nights she would prepare her specialty which was a large seafood dish all boiled in a pot with small bowls of sauce for dipping and we would eat it outside just after the sun had set and I loved seeing the glimmer of the fireflies at that hour, yes fireflies, which were my favourite, favourite, favourite animals because they looked so beautiful flittering in and out of the trees, making the night sparkle as if…as if the heavens had sprinkled down handfuls of glitter on the earth and given it life, and I wished I were fast enough to be able to catch one but I never could, ever since I was a child I would chase them around and around until bedtime but I always entered the house empty handed and…


I suddenly heard my name buzz out from the intercom, calling me to room six and thus cutting my ‘little’ monologue short. Both me and my aunt jumped to our feet instantly and hurried along a lengthy corridor and we kept going until we reached our destination. Aunt Kumiko opened the door. The doctor sitting at the desk smiled at us as we came in ad gestured to the seats opposite her. My aunt greeted her warmly and the doctor returned it similarly, asking how she was doing lately.


“Oh, fine, fine thank you.” Kumiko replied, taking her seat as I took mine. I gazed at the woman in the white coat sitting before me. She had short brown hair, a wise look in her eyes and the beginnings of those little creases on the corners of them. She removed the reading glasses and gave us her complete attention.


“Now, what seems to be the emergency?”


I could see my aunt glance at me through the corner of my eye. That was my cue. I began to explain in much detail the pains I had been experiencing and where I was feeling them. I noticed the doctor’s eyes on me, studious and focused. I swallowed, feeling the teeniest bit uncomfortable. I gestured towards the area of my chest that worried me, saying that I’d found the lump there and the doctor nodded in understanding. She reached for one of the drawers in her desk and pulled out a new file. Picking up a pen, she held it poised over the paper. She started to ask me questions, normal questions, things that doctors usually probed for in case there was any history of disease in the family…like cancer. But as far as I knew, no one in my family had suffered such a thing. After the entire exchange, the doctor stood and gestured for me to do the same. Aunt Kumiko remained seated while I was led behind a pale green curtain. The examination zone.


The doctor politely asked me to remove my blouse, so I did. I shivered a little with cold, and felt goose bumps form on my arms, and thank heavens I was in the company of a woman because I wouldn’t have been able to live through the embarrassment of my nipples hardening in a male doctor’s presence. I shuddered at the thought.


She was extremely gentle, only making contact when necessary but the frown on her face didn’t seem very reassuring. I hoped, hoped, hoped it wouldn’t be what I though it was. She asked me to raise my left arm for a better inspection, and she felt the area nearest to my armpit. Her frown deepened somewhat. She straightened and gestured for me to put my bra and blouse back on.


Sitting down at her desk she slipped her glasses on and jotted down a couple of things in my file. Aunt Kumiko patted my hand reassuringly when I took my seat.


“Alright, Rin…” began the doctor, removing her glasses. “I don’t really feel sure enough to diagnose you with anything just yet. I believe a few more tests are in order.”


I nodded and did my best to try and smile.


“What kind of tests?” Asked my worried aunt.


“Oh, for these cases a mammography is in order, unfortunately in this clinic we are rather short of equipment.”


“So what do we…?” my aunt began anxiously.


“It’s perfectly alright. The General Hospital will provide you with the equipment, all I have to do is write a brief letter recommending you there. You can use it to get the test.” She explained and opened a drawer, taking out a sheet of paper with the logo of the clinic on it. She scribbled a few word on it, I couldn’t really understand her writing but I think I noticed the word ‘urgent’ somewhere. She signed it and stamped it before handing it to me. It was a good thing the General Hospital was only a few streets away and wouldn’t be that much of a walk. Aunt Kumiko thanked the doctor profusely and the two of us got up and left. I let out a long breathe, not of relief though. I was still scared, what was the lump? What was going to happen to me? And what was a mammography like? Did it hurt? All these questions going around and around in my head and the only way I could drown them out was by chatting incessantly to my aunt about stupid, trivial things. But I could see she wasn’t really paying attention. She was worried about me. Damnit, I was worried about me.


What was I going to do?