Obsession

Doomed.

One simple word, and yet it adequately sums up the life that is mine.

For I am doomed. I have been doomed since birth, simply because my grandfather had this misfortune of crossing paths with one of the most evil creatures ever to exist.

So I spend my remaining time seeking to exact vengeance against the scourge that is Naraku. And I do so for not only my own sake, but that of my companions. For most of us has suffered a loss so extreme that it could forever sour the sweet taste of sake, and bleed the sky dry of color – if we were to allow it.

I am well aware that I probably will not survive to see his end. But still, I choose to do my part in assisting my small ragtag group of companions with their own quests for vengeance. After all, I do believe they have the power and desire to destroy him, and if my assistance makes their path a little bit easier, it is well worth it – even if it hastens my own death considerably to do so.

And sometimes I think I am the lucky one - especially when I consider Sango, who has lost her entire family, and Shippo, who will never again know the loving touch of a parent. Kagome is good to the kit, but she spoils him somewhat and is not as harsh as a true parent should be. Perhaps it is inexperience on her part, but the kitsune obviously needs her, and so I keep my own council regarding my observations.

I do so often, when it comes to the young miko from the future - especially when she travels the well to return to her own time, simply to further her education. I know that each day she spends apart from the group is one less day that we have a chance to make progress on our search for Naraku. It is also one less day that I have to live. Still, I am not bitter about it – not at all. For Kagome’s path has been altered just as much as the rest of ours has. And though she has suffered little up until now, I fear that the inevitable loss of her innocence and naivety will probably destroy her.

In our little group, she is the only other one besides myself that is able to see the beauty in the world. But unlike myself and the rest of our party, she is intentionally ignorant of the ugliness that surrounds it. And one day, I fear that Naraku will ensure that the ugliness is all that she sees.

To me, I know that they must exist hand in hand – the beauty and the ugliness that is. For Buddha teaches us that without darkness, there is no light. Without rain, there are no flowers.

And without death, there is no life.

These are truths that I completely understand, given my situation. I suppose that is why I am so enthralled with the beautiful things in this world.

And to me, Kagome’s innocence is as beautiful as it is fleeting.

I also know that it is Buddha’s desire that the miko remain innocent – for now, at least. For in the end, I think that it will be one of her arrows that will take down the hanyou who plagues us. Because like the day cancels the night, I believe that her innocence is the strongest weapon we have against the sheer malice and depravity of our enemy.

That is why I do not confront her with the truth when she leaves us for days on end. Instead, I merely bide my time, knowing that it is Buddha’s will that I do so.

Being aware of one’s mortality does strange things to a man, I suppose – in my case, I think that I have been gifted with a clarity rarely seen in mortals.

This clarity is why I am able to view my companions the way that I do. It is also one of the reasons that am able to appreciate and crave beautiful things life has to offer - such as the smooth, sweet taste of good sake; the warm, soft touch of a beautiful woman; and the simple beauty of the scent of sakura blossoms on a warm, summer day.

Perhaps my fascination with all things beautiful is also because I know my death could come at any time and with little warning. And I am gifted with the ability to appreciate beauty in many forms. Even the laughter of my friends is beautiful to me. Kagome and Inuyasha’s hidden affection towards each other is beautiful to me. And when Sango raises her Hiraikotsu in battle, I am sometimes blinded by the beauty of the passion on her face, the sweat upon her brow, and the way her muscles flex just so.

For there is very little in this world that is more beautiful than the face of a woman drawn in passion – whether it be passion for life, passion for battle, or passion for love. I, of course, prefer the latter. Far be it from me to not to worship the body of a mortal tenshi with the care and reverence that they deserve.

Yes – I definitely enjoy a woman’s touch. To me, it is reassurance that Buddha does exist and is watching over us, even during times as dark as these. A beautiful woman is indication to me that the balance is kept, and the sun will always chase away the moon. And when there is a warm, soft body pressed against my own, and the wet warmth of a woman surrounding me in the most intimate of ways, I can truly see God.

I do not make secret my profound appreciation of a woman’s body either. The rest of the group considers me a hentai – I am well aware of that – but I do not think of myself as one. Besides, how can they not appreciate a woman the way that I do? For a woman is a fountain of new life, after all – a reaffirmation that whenever there is an end, there can be a beginning – and it is with that thought in mind that I constantly seek a woman to bare my child.

But what I do keep secret is my appreciation for the beauty sometimes found in members of my own sex.

Like I said before, I appreciate beauty in all of its forms, and I will not deny myself the pleasure of admiring it wherever it is to be found. And sometimes, it can be found in the places one least expects.

Inuyasha is beautiful, although he would deny it vehemently. His hair is the color of moonlit silk, and his eyes are as gold as the sun. Unfortunately, his inherent beauty is often marred by his own callous words, but still I cannot help but admire the fine, toned muscles of his body, and the passion he has when it comes to defending both Kagome, and the apparition that walks the earth with a part of her soul.

Shippo is beautiful, because he embodies the carefree spirit of youth. His vitality and youthful antics often bring a smile to each of our faces – even the gruff hanyou's – and that is also beautiful.

Even Kouga is beautiful, with his rakish behavior and obvious devotion to Kagome. His eyes are as blue as the sky, and are often filled with laughter and warmth.

But of all the males that I know to be beautiful, the most beautiful one of all is without a doubt Sesshoumaru – Inuyasha’s half-brother, and the Lord of the Western Lands.

His beauty affects me differently than the others. His is an unearthly beauty, almost too divine to be viewed by mortals such as myself, and his very presence often causes my body to heat with desire that far surpasses anything I have ever felt for a woman.

Ah, Sesshoumaru… he must truly be a Kami, because there is no way such ethereal beauty should belong to a youkai.

I have admired him since the first time I laid my eyes upon him. For to me, he was the ultimate embodiment of everything else that was beautiful in this world – the scent of a woman’s arousal, the rippling clear waters of a hot spring, and the warmth and satiation a good meal can provide. He was all of that and more. But at the time, he was also a threat.

Opening my hand against him was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do.

Thankfully, we both survived that encounter. And since then, I have seen the taiyoukai on many occasions. And each time, I have tried very hard not to lose myself in that golden gaze of his. So very like his hanyou brother’s, but then again, so exquisitely different.

His body was the finest example of masculine beauty in all the world – even with the loss of one of his limbs. Like an alabaster god he was - tall, elegant and radiant, and I relished each and every time that I was graced with the opportunity to see him.

Did I say that Sango was beautiful in battle? Sesshoumaru was… he was exquisite and flawless with the way he moved, and the way his muscles rippled under that silken white kimono he always wore. His hair would fan behind him like a pure white curtain made of the finest silk, and the markings upon his face and wrist only enhanced his other-worldliness. I have often wondered if he had such markings... elsewhere.

I lived and breathed for the occasions when he would grace us with his presence, trying desperately hard to reign in my desire for the godlike being. For a mortal such as I was never meant to bask in such radiance. And yet, I could hardly remember to breathe, when he was around.

There were times when his golden eyes would meet mine, and they would send a shiver through me. Why he would even acknowledge me – a lower being, in his eyes – was a mystery, but I could only thank Buddha that he did. The times when his golden, immortal gaze met mine was like looking through a window at perfection.

If only he wasn’t as cold as he was beautiful, I would gladly throw myself at his feet and beg him to take me in the most intimate of ways.

Yet to do such a thing would mean my death. It would be a death I would welcome, however. After all, a death at the hands of such a beautiful creature was a far better one than the death I was fated for.

So when he woke me from my fitful slumber with my death apparent in his eyes, I welcomed it. I sent him a look of resignation, and sat up – more than willing to meet my deliverance by the hand of the only one upon this world whose beauty nearly blinded me.

I was not expecting him to shiver, and withdraw his sword.

Nor was I expecting to see that look upon his immaculate face – a look I immediately recognized with no small amount of disbelief and wonder. It was a look I had seen often mirrored in the many beautiful women who I had the pleasure of bedding, after all.

It was a look of sheer… need.

I think my brain froze for a moment as I processed what I was seeing. But I was definitely jolted back into reality when his fingers – oh, his fingers – touched the side of my face with reverence.

“Sesshoumaru…” I whispered, the name rolling off of my tongue sweeter than any sake I had ever tasted. Could it be that this ethereal being, this youkai I secretly desired above all others, and who had played many a starring role in some of my more… interesting dreams, desired my lowly mortal self in return?

No… It couldn’t be… I must be dreaming… and yet…

My eyes widened in shock when his fingers ghosted across the line of my jaw. When they reached my mouth, I couldn’t help myself, and I darted my tongue out to taste the perfection that I was being presented with. I knew that he would probably strike me down for this, but if I died with the taste of his skin upon my lips, I will have truly known heaven.

He shivered and took a deep breath in response to my wet caress of his digits. His own eyes seemed even more golden than before in the pale light of the moon, and I began to say silent prayers to whatever god was listening for this one moment. A moment I was surely to wake from soon.

And then I heard the gruff, sleepy voice of the hanyou from the tree above me, and I knew that this was no dream.

He was shaking, as he reached for me, and I realized with a sense of detached bemusement that I was shaking too.

Cradled against his body, I was able to smell his intoxicating scent up close and personal for the first time.

He smelled like a combination of fresh rain and spring flowers. I felt incredibly inadequate as he pulled me close to him – his eternal heart beating faster than even my own – and took to the skies in a cloud of youki.

I did not think to even ask where he was taking me. I did not care, so long as it meant that I could stay close to him. And as I sighed against the smooth ivory column of his neck, I wondered on how a being so cold could feel so very… warm.

~~~

End Part II

A/N: This will be at least two more parts (maybe more if I get long winded) – lemony content starts next chapter!

Thank you for your reviews so far!

Anon - I did move it - thanks for the suggestion. and yes, I love miroku yaoi - and I do not think he'd be adverse to the idea. I think I explained why in this chapter ;).

ichie-chan - I'm glad you like it. Each chapter will switch back and forth from miroku and sesshy's POV.

YoukaiObsessed - heh, I'm glad you liked Sesshy's thought process. He's a tough one to relate to, you know. Full of pride and ego - yet he does have a softer side, as is evidenced by Rin.

darkiesangel - Glad you like the pairing!

Chiyo-chan - Here it is! :) I had it half written when I posted the first part.

Kogas Hentai Luver - Wow... such praise from you is definately a high complement. I consider your work to be some of the best on here as well! Thank you so much for your words! I am a little nervous about the next couple of chapters, but I think I've read enough Yaoi to take a stab at writing it. Cerainly, your fic was a definate inspiration for me to take a stab at it ;).

mizu inu - Thanks so very much for your review. I'm so glad you like this so far! Yes, it's my first time writing yaoi - well, I did write a small kohaku/naraku passage in 'Sins', but I didn't get into detail - so it will be interesting to see how this turns out. I like the idea of miroku in a yaoi pairing, because we know how... sensual he can be. And as far as sesshy is concerned? Yum... At any rate, I'm not sure if this is going to be a full out 'ride off into the sunset together' romance persay - despite the obvious lust and strong feelings, there is a whole lot that seperates the two as characters (not even including how Inu would react to such a thing) - but I will definately try to end it on a happy note.

kenshinjunkie03 - thank you for your comments! The good stuff will start next chapter, and don't worry - Naraku will stay well away from our beautiful bishies!

T - I'm glad you like my rationalization for Sesshy's actions. It was hard to think of a premise to get him interested in Miroku at all! I'm happy to know that i came up with one that people accept!

TTFN!

Julie