Pink Carnation

Thank you Daniella for beta-reading!

Agrimony: Thankfulness

Pink Carnation

Chapter 19: Agrimony

It was staring at her.

Kagome peeked at the letter from above her pillow and glared at it. She should have opened it by now, but she hadn't been able to. Perhaps she had no real desire to find out what was inside because it was terrifying. It was true that she had to open it eventually… but did eventually have to be now? Once again she had told herself to face things head on, yet she was avoiding them.

She tapped her fingers against the cream color pillow while the seconds slowly ticked away. If Sesshomaru left it with her it was for a reason. Slowly she reached out for it before grabbing it with two fingers. Kagome laid it flat upon her pillow and pressed her lips together.

Slowly she unfolded it and her eyes began scanning around.

Dear Sesshomaru,

Immediately Kagome arched an eyebrow. This letter was addressed to Sesshomaru? Her eyes went to the bottom of the page only to see her own name signed. She had sent this to him? Now her curiosity was piqued.

This is my first night alone since that incident. I don't know if I'll actually send you this letter, but I needed to write it. I can't understand why you helped me that night. I don't even know if I can remember what happened. After I found Inuyasha with her, I was in another world. When I slipped and fell, everything became so strange. I rolled down that hill and I thought I was going to die. I hoped I was going to die.

When I reached the end and I was alive I wanted to end it. Yet somehow I crawled back up. I dragged myself around, not even feeling the blood and it's then that you came in.

Why did you pick me up?

I know there's more than meets the eye, but I also know that some of the things about you are not completely false. In one day you were completely different with me. You stayed with me every day, never leaving my side until I kicked you out. I know you were confused and this is why I'm writing to you.

Why am I different to you? Inuyasha had no problem tossing me aside like I was nothing. You don't know me, yet you remain.

Maybe this is a bad way to say thank you. Or maybe I just don't want someone else in my life that's going to leave me. In days you've become my whole life and I'm still trying to figure out if it's a good thing. I'm terrified to be betrayed again. Even in a friendship. If I'm just an eccentric project to help you pass the time, then please stop it now.

Do not come by again unless this is more than a phase. I don't need more pain than I already have.

If I never see you again, then thank you for everything you did for me.

Kagome.

Her hands were trembling while she held on to the letter as best she could. Her mind was completely blank and she did not even know what to think. Her friends had told her that nobody knew what happened to her that night since she had never shared. Apparently that night, she had been wishing for death. She had almost died and had not even cared.

Tears stung her eyes and she bit her bottom lip. She allowed the letter to drop from her hold as the first tear rolled down her cheek. What the hell was wrong with her? Why would Sesshomaru give her that letter? She didn't want this: she didn't want to know this. Her entire body was shaking as she violently pushed the pillow and the letter upon the floor.

She ran her tongue over her dry bottom lip trying to collect herself. This letter broke her heart yet she was unsure how she should feel about it. What was Sesshomaru's purpose in showing her this? Why did he think she needed that memory back? It did prove that Sesshomaru was different from what she believed but…

Had he tried to make her forget his little half adventure with Kikyo?

No. He wouldn't have tried to trick her with that. This was for her alone that was his words. Kagome found herself taking a deep breath to allow her stress to fade away a bit. She pressed her hands against her cheeks, slapping herself gently hoping to snap herself out of it. Why in the world would he do this to her?

He knew she would have questions. Why in the world would she leave it at that? Maybe she wanted to know what else happened after that. What made him want to help her? Did he ever provide her with an answer? Could he tell her again? And just what gave her the will to live once more? As unfair as it seemed, it appeared that only Sesshomaru had the answers.

She didn't know if she wanted him in her life, but now he had left her mind filled with questions and she could not ignore it. He said this was the last time he would see her, unless she wanted otherwise. Obviously she did. A deep sigh rolled off her lips as she rose to her feet before wiping her tears with her hands.

One last time.

She would ask him everything and she expected him to tell her everything. Kagome wanted to know what the girl from a year ago wanted to know about him. Her curiosity was arisen and so she had to find the answers. She wished to curse at him for this, but she couldn't.

Sesshomaru might have hurt her with his actions but he did do something Inuyasha never had the guts to do; he was honest with her. No, it did not erase his actions but it did make it less painful. He respected her enough to tell her the truth, making it easier for her to face him. Though that kiss was still very vivid in her mind and she hoped she could clear her mind off of it.

Now she was left with the options of when and where.

She could surprise him and go see him at his place but she would feel much more comfortable if he came to her place since it would be in her own space and on her terms.

Her eyes traveled down to the floor and she glanced at the letter. The handwriting was so messy it barely felt like it was hers. The sheet was creased and it appeared as if someone had shed tears over it. Her heart felt heavy when she bent down slightly to retrieve it. She held on to it tightly and it destroyed the letter even more.

Sesshomaru had kept this the whole time.

Why?

He was causing her to want to rip her hair off her head. He did something stupid yet he did something very sweet at the same time. Maybe she had been right about him all along; he was nothing more than a complete mystery. Then again the same could be said about herself. Ever since her accident she couldn't figure out who she was.

Her postured sagged before she began to drag her feet towards her bedroom.

All that was ringing in her mind were the words from the letter when suddenly she found herself a bit dizzy. Kagome reached out for the counter and balanced herself. She brought one hand to her head, rubbing it slightly. It was as if she was going to fall unconscious while the biggest headache was spreading through her brain. Kagome took a deep breath trying to chase the feeling away.

The pain. It felt so vivid.

Tears were streaming down her face as the rain hit her with full force. Her steps were slow as she walked in the muddy road, not knowing where she was heading. Her heart and dreams were shattered while she felt her life was slipping away. How had she not seen this coming? She should have known! She should have felt that something was different!

But no, she had been too blinded by the way she felt. Inuyasha had been her everything! She had known him her entire life and never had she thought that he wouldn't be with her. She had planned her life according to them being together. Kagome would have been able to leave and move away for college and whatnot but since Inuyasha couldn't and didn't want to leave she remained by his side.

Her life had been put on hold for his sake and he had just thrown her away as if she was nothing.

Why was she such a fool?

She shook her head while she kept glancing down at the ground with her eyes burning. Her lips were tightly pressed together while her feet were being dragged. She felt completely drained both physically and emotionally yet she kept going. She had no idea where she was heading or if she ever intended to stop walking. Where could she go? Inuyasha was her world; could she escape it?

Kagome closed her eyes for a brief instant, biting on her bottom lip. It was at that moment that she stepped onto a slippery muddy path. Before she knew it, she slipped and a gasp escaped her when she felt herself falling down a hill. Desperation was stirred within her as she tried to hurry and grab onto a branch or anything else that she could find.

She could feel her flesh being scratched and quickly the pain spread through her ankle as if it had been broken. More tears spilled out of her eyes and the sorrow intensified. She could not see the end of the hill and panic took hold of her heart. Would she die? As the thought hit her mind she found a certain calmness take over. If this went down as she thought it would, she might die and the thought s was not a terrible thing in her mind.

From now on, she was alone.

He wouldn't be by her side; instead he had broken her trust in him. If he couldn't even bear to be with her, if he preferred someone else, then she would be lonely forever. Was there a point to all this?

She shouldn't be like this, she shouldn't want this. But he was her everything… and he hadn't had the decency to even run after her. He had simply allowed her to walk away as if she meant nothing. Because she truly didn't. His heart wasn't hers and perhaps it had never been in her possession. She closed her eyes tightly, allowing herself to fall without fighting back.

Kagome could easily feel every time her body struck something new, the rocks grazing her flesh and the blood spilling from her. She couldn't help but wince with each new hit, but she did not prevent them from happening. Her heart was beating fast even though she felt somewhat at ease. Suddenly she felt a pain worse than all the others hitting the side of her body; death was coming.

Unfortunately except for the unbearable pain, no other feeling came to her. The tears resumed as she was forced to face the reality; she was alive. She felt like cursing the world, but she held herself back. It was with great difficulty that she pushed her palms against the wet cold ground and lifted herself up to the best of her abilities. Her heart was sinking in her stomach when she finally made it on her feet.

Her legs were shaking, not because of the pain but because of all that had occurred. She felt so empty inside that she could not experience the pain of her injuries. She resumed dragging her body along the road, mindlessly trying to find a way to get back up into the real world. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to keep some body warmth.

This was pointless.

Tears were pouring out of her eyes and she found her body trembling with the shock. She felt that her heart was void of all emotions for a second and her grip on the counter grew stronger. The memory had hit her heart, breaking her soul into pieces. She allowed herself to fall upon the ground, unable to stand anymore because of the intensity of the emotions she was feeling..

This was the first clear memory she had retrieved since the incident. Her friends had been with her the entire time and she had found out some of the truth but it had not brought back anything. Then, he brought her oneletter and she found her entire world being torn down. The one person who had been kept out of her life for so long was the only one who had actually helped.

She was unsure if it could be qualified as help since this was a memory she would have been happy to keep out of her mind.

Kagome ran her tongue over her dry lips while her heart kept pounding. She couldn't leave things as they were. If she was already determined to seek out Sesshomaru and ask some questions, now she was more than ever.

-P-

"Mister Sesshomaru?"

He frowned in his sleep before opening his eyes only to find himself staring at complete darkness. He raised his head in confusion and peered around. Had he dreamed a voice?

Suddenly his doubts were confirmed when there was a knock on his door. "Mister Sesshomaru?" said the voice once more.

Anger rose within him before he pushed his blankets aside and put his feet on the cold floor. A sigh went past his lips prior to him walking in direction of the door highly annoyed. As he was walking he glanced at the clock only to notice that it was 4:00am. Whoever was at his door better have something important to say. He did not like to be bothered during his sleep.

He grabbed the doorknob and swung the door open. "What is it?" he asked rudely.

One of his employees was looking pitiful in front of him. "I'm sorry to disturb you. But someone is at the door for you."

He raised an eyebrow; who would come to someone's house at such a time? "Who?"

"Miss Higurashi, Sir. I let her in. I hope that's okay."

"It's fine," he said as he came out of his room a bit faster than he should have.

Kagome was here? He had expected to never hear from her again even if the content of the letter might have disturbed her a bit. He had definitely not expected her to show up in the middle of the night. He hoped that nothing bad had happened forcing her to come seek him.

As he turned right at the last hall she finally came in view. Her hair was pulled in a ponytail and she appeared to be wearing a blue pajama top along with jeans. Apparently her visit had not been planned. Silently he walked over to her, while Kagome seemed completely oblivious to his presence. It wasn't until he was right in front of her that she raised her head.

The smallest blush appeared across her cheeks telling him that she was embarrassed that she had come to his house. She rose to her feet, doing her best to keep from glancing into his eyes. She shifted her weight from one foot to another feeling a bit foolish. She had planned on coming during the day, doing a proper visit, but it hadn't turned out how she anticipated.

She had wanted to know more about her memories and why he was able to bring a memory back into her mind. However, her fear had held her back. Unfortunately without going to see him, she was completely restless. It was then that she had decided that she had to go to his house. If she didn't get this over with like she had intended too, she wouldn't be free of all the unbearable weight.

"Can we talk?" she finally asked.

Sesshomaru nodded before turning around. They could not have a proper conversation here. He began walking, guiding her to the living room where he knew the settings would be right. He could hear her footsteps behind him as he came to a halt. He moved out of the way, allowing her to sit on the couch. She nodded gently before taking a seat.

Once she was settled in, he sat in front of her and proceeded to wait until she was ready to speak.

Kagome took a deep breath. "I read the letter."

He expected her to, though a part of him thought it would have taken her longer to make up her mind.

"I – I remember."

His eyes widened a bit. "You remembered?"

She nodded. "Not a lot just…just falling down that little hill."

Never had he thought that an actual memory would come back to her. Though the first thought that crossed his mind was a little too late. He wished she had been able to recall everything a bit earlier, then perhaps not everything would have gone down the way it did. Of course, he didn't blame her since it was out of her control.

"I… I could only remember what you tried to show me. I wanted to know more. I want to know more."

A slight confusion crossed his features Sesshomaru. How was he supposed to provide her with more memories? It wasn't as though he had been at the starting point of this one. "I'm not sure I can help you."

"But it's always you. When I'm with you, when I see you, it's just… not as foggy."

It didn't make much sense but she didn't know how else to explain it to him. She simply required him to retrieve her lost memories. She had given up on them because she thought they would never come back, but maybe he could help her. He had intrigued her too much; she wished to know all she could not remember.

What had transformed him? What had transformed her?

Just how had the tale ended?

"What would you like me to do?" Was he supposed to start narrating all that had happened during the last year? Surely she had heard most parts already all by herself. If not, she possessed plenty of pictures that could have triggered her memory just as well as anything he could tell her. What exactly was she looking for?

Kagome shrugged her shoulders. "I'm not sure. I just… I read the letter and I … remembered."

"You've seen photographs already. We shared a few things with you."

She couldn't help but sigh. "I guess you're right."

When it had happened, it had seemed to work out perfectly. Perhaps she had simply gotten too excited because she had retrieved a part of her memory. She had even put aside what had happened with Sesshomaru just for this. "Maybe this was a stupid idea. I mean, it was just one memory."

He could see the disappointment dancing in her eyes and he felt his chest tighten. This wasn't how he wanted her to feel. He pressed his lips tightly together, desperately trying to think of something. As he watched her focus shift to the floor, he knew it wouldn't be too long until she'd slip from his hold.

This was his chance to make it better.

"Perhaps I could attempt to walk you through the last year of your life."

A flicker happened in her eyes when she glanced at him. "Would that be okay?"

It was a long shot and it was hard to completely clear her mind of the fact that Kikyo had been in this house not too long ago, but she was willing to try. This was one of the first things that might actually work. If this led nowhere, she'd give up, even if she ended up regaining some memories as time went by.

He nodded at her before getting on his feet and moving closer to her.

The ball had been in her court and she had decided to come to him. He wouldn't waste this opportunity.

-P-

Her eyes burned as she gently opened them. Confusion was filling her mind as she glanced around and inspected her surroundings. Her state of bewilderment increased when she could not recognize anything in her vicinity. It wasn't until she realized there was a weight on her shoulders that she remembered; she was at Sesshomaru's.

She peered down at her shoulder, only to see Sesshomaru sleeping on it. The night had been long and it was likely that they had fallen asleep. Pictures surrounded them and that made her smile. They hadn't gotten that far but it had been a total failure. Still, what she had heard had been enough to make her regret the loss of her memories.

The one thing that was still a mystery was what had changed in her and in him.

He had told her many stories yet she still hadn't found the answer. It was true that she had never asked him directly why he had done the things he had, but… well she hadn't wanted to interrupt his storytelling. Plus she wasn't sure where they stood at the moment and had no desire to make the situation even more awkward.

It was so easy to be with him, to be around him, yet her heart still ached and confusion was present.

There were so many pros and cons concerning the whole Kikyo situation and frankly she was sick and tired of weighing them. Also there was the whole kiss situation and she didn't know how it made her feel. It had brought feelings inside of her she didn't think she'd be able to have, at least not this soon.

Was she supposed to follow them without a thought?

Perhaps not now; not when everything was a mess. Plus, he probably didn't feel the same way he used to, not anymore.

Both of them were confused, her loss of memory affecting them both the most. After all, with everything he had told her she had understood that they had spent the last year together. Every moment.

A sigh went past her lips as she pressed her back against the couch. Her movements seemed to wake him up and she felt his weight shift away from her body. Kagome stiffened and turned her head away from him slightly embarrassed. Quickly she put her hands on her lap gripping at her pajama pants while waiting for him to say something.

Sesshomaru ran his fingers through his long locks while a strange feeling of peace spreading through his body. It had been so long that he had almost forgotten the feeling. He could only experience it when she was around. Before her, his nights were sleepless and he never obtained rest. Then she came along and he found a way to be whole.

"Would you like breakfast?"

It had been a while since they had shared a morning together. Obviously it wouldn't be the same, but he was glad she was around.

He glanced at her face, noticing the puffiness in her eyes and the folds of the couch that had imprinted upon the skin of her cheek. Her ponytail had become undone at some point during the night and her long locks were now cascading down her shoulders. The urge to tangle his fingers through her hair appeared, but he restrained it.

When he had brought her the letter, he had truly intended for this to be the last time. After all, why would she want to see him again? However, he had set his mind on her. She could be nothing but the only one. To have her come back to him after he had accepted that she would not be in his life was almost torture. Once she was done with her questions, she would leave him again.

Maybe if he made sure to drag it on she'd be around longer.

"Sure," she said as she made it to her feet. "I'll help."

If she was there with him in the kitchen, then they would be able to finish their conversation of the previous night.

He nodded before heading towards the kitchen with her following him close behind. It was already easy to tell she had something on her mind. If this was any other situation, and happening in the past, she would have come out right away and said it. Would it be too bold of him to inquire about it?

Sesshomaru stole a glance. "What is it?"

She jumped slightly and tilted her head to the side before looking at him as if she did not know what he was referring to.

"I know there is something you wish to ask."

She couldn't help but chuckle slightly. Perhaps she was just that transparent to him.

Kagome shrugged her shoulders slightly. "I do want to try and retrieve my memories, but… I can't help but wonder. Why did you help me? I mean it was more than just knowing, or doing it because you're related to Inuyasha. Or even more than just to piss him off."

He pressed his lips together. The reason was unknown yet known at the same time. There was no way for him to properly explain it to her and he was almost certain she would not be satisfied with his explanation. Nonetheless if it was an answer she sought, he would provide her with one. He would also be honest.

Sesshomaru pressed his hand against the counter, shifting some of his weight. "The real answer is that I just had to."

She raised an eyebrow. "You had to?"

He nodded. "You know a little bit about youkais don't you?"

"A little."

"When we pick someone, we don't always have a choice in it. We just know."

Kagome couldn't help but scoff a bit. "You didn't pick me."

It was now Sesshomaru's turn to be left stunned by her response. "Why not?"

"If I'm correct when you pick someone, it's for life. It's supposed to be this uncontrollable feeling and you certainly don't go seeking out someone else." The end of her sentence came out more bitter than she had intended to, but it had escaped her.

Sesshomaru was not surprised; actually he should have expected that. "Perhaps. Or it could be done out of desperation when the youkai thinks it's losing the one who should be its mate."

Kagome pinched her lips together tightly; alright, she did not have a comeback for that. "Maybe."

He held back the urge to smirk at her reaction. She was not easily cornered, yet he had managed to do it in a few sentences. Perhaps he should stay on his toes, waiting for her response.

"Wouldn't it hurt though? To be with someone else but you're one?"

The subject was a little awkward, especially since he had basically admitted straight to her face that he considered her to be the one for him. Still, her curiosity was too much for her to bear so she had to inquire. She chewed on her bottom lip as her eyes remained locked on his face waiting for him to provide her with an answer.

"It does."

Being with Kikyo had destroyed him from the inside. All it had done was fill his mind with memories of Kagome and it had left him with a broken heart. Of course he could not lay out his feelings like that to Kagome, not anymore. He had already made his move when he had kissed her and if she desired to be with him it was her responsibility to show it. He would not overstep boundaries anymore.

"Then why do it?"

"The same reason for your previous question."

She nodded. "I see."

Her bangs were covering her eyes and she was still biting on her bottom lip. The little glow in her face was making her irresistible and he wanted to curse her for being so far from him. He forced himself to glance away, not wanting his desires to make this a more uncomfortable situation.

"Eggs?" he offered.

She nodded. "Sure."

Kagome had intended on helping, but she quickly found herself staring at him with her elbow pressed against the counter. Her heart was beating a bit faster then it should and she could only hope that it was not showing. She wasn't really sure if what Sesshomaru felt for her was what youkais called mating. It was supposed to be this unbelievable feeling of love and devotion. They could not be away from their mate and they could not live without them.

Sesshomaru surely could live without her.

Then again, they were not mated or anything. But still, he shouldn't be able to be with anyone else.

But, he probably knew his feelings better than she did. She could not pretend she was aware of what was happening in his head. Perhaps she was only trying to convince herself of that. Sesshomaru was such a mystery. He gave her answers while bringing more questions with them. Also, he made her doubt things she was certain of. Her life was so messy at the moment and she was tempted to say she didn't need this, but he made it look simple sometimes.

Only sometimes.

"Do you regret kissing me that day?"

A slight blush appeared on her cheeks when she asked that question but she maintained her gaze. Sesshomaru raised his head, a pan in his hand. This was definitely not a question he had been expecting.

However, there was one easy answer for it.

"No. I'm glad I did. Perhaps it was the only time I could. I did not waste the opportunity."

He truly had a way to make her blush even more with his words. She hadn't thought that he would be so completely honest with her. That was hardly something she could reprimand him for though. She much preferred for him to be honest with her than to lie to her face like certain people had.

"Do you wish I hadn't kissed you?"

Sesshomaru felt like he had obtained his answer when she had not returned the kiss. The fact that until now, she had not brought it up, neither her feelings about him, also made him believed that she only felt friendship for him and probably always had. Yet, a part of him wished to hear the words coming from her. The silence she had shed upon the whole matter was bothering him.

Kagome felt like her breath was caught in her throat for a second. He had been completely honest with her and the least she could do was return the favor. Yet, she had no answer for him. She wasn't even sure of her emotions, especially when it came to the kiss. One thing was for sure however; she had not disliked it.

Prior to the whole Kikyo mess… she might have gone along with it. After all, she had sought comfort from him after Inuyasha had kissed her. She seemed to always be running back to him… Maybe she did have a response for him after all.

"No. I'm glad you did."

She observed as he put the pan down, obviously relieved by her answer. Kagome couldn't help but feel a bit of guilt. How could she be so reluctant to be around him when she could bring him happiness so easily? It almost made her want to be by his side at all time just so he could experience joy. She swallowed hard prior to glancing away.

"Don't think you can use this to distract me though. I came here to retrieve my memory and get some answers."

If he didn't know any better he would guess that she had just messed around with him a bit. The tone of her voice had been playful and it had pulled at a string in his heart. If she never came to him, if he could never be with her, it would destroy him. If he had doubts before, he no longer did. Even when he was drowning in regret, guilt and unhappiness, she managed to make him feel lighter.

"Of course, I wouldn't think you were here for anything else."

She chuckled. "Why do you make it so hard to be mad at you?"

Kagome was mad because of what he had done and her mood should have remained that way. Yet once they talked, it was as though she forgot about what was happening around her. She was sucked into the moment.

"I never want to make it hard on you. I know I did."

His words were heavy and she could see the longing look in his eyes. He was speaking the truth and she truly wished it could take it all away, but it did not.

"I'm so tired of being hurt. Especially when it is by the same people and the same woman."

"Why her right?"

She scoffed. "Something like that."

"Maybe because she is nothing. She means nothing. You're perfect Kagome. Unattainable."

"Should I take that as a compliment?"

She didn't want him to tell her that she was better than Kikyo. It didn't make the events disappear. If she was so special, why did they all go for Kikyo? Why didn't they try for her? Obviously she was attainable. Especially since Inuyasha had her. She was his; she would have been his forever. She could see now that, that was a big mistake however.

"No, I was simply explaining." As he kept on preparing the breakfast, he knew he had to add something else to the conversation. "You turned me down. I didn't know what else to do. I was so mad, thinking you'd gone back to him. I would rather watch you not be in my life then be with Inuyasha."

She was aware that he wasn't trying to make excuses for what he had done. That conversation had been discussed and done with by now. Still, she appreciated his concern since she knew he meant it. Inuyasha was selfish and possessive but Sesshomaru wasn't like him. He wouldn't imprison her; he would let her live her life in peace.

"Inuyasha is the one person I would never go back to."

For a second, Sesshomaru felt as if his heart had stopped beating. Perhaps he was hearing another meaning behind her words, but maybe she had said it that way on purpose. She could have re-worded her sentence any way she wanted to, but she had chosen that way.

"He is the only one?"

"Yes."

What did that mean? She, herself, was unsure. But a voice inside of her was screaming at her and telling her that walking away from Sesshomaru was a mistake. Yet she didn't know why.

Once again, he had made her lose sight of her goal.

She hadn't learned anything that she had wanted to.

But maybe, she had found something else. Though it only left her even more confused.

Just what in the world did she want?

-P-