Where My Heart Lies

Kagome knelt in the grass by the stream. In her mind she chanted her meditation that Kaede had taught her, then proceeded to create an energy orb. She kept herself calm as she slowly increased it's size and intensity, until she felt the strain of the amulet hold her back. She let the orb dissapate between her hands. She smiled, pleased with herself. She was continuing to improve on her control. The smile soon faded though. She missed Kaede, and the others. She often wondered about them. Was Shippo ok? Was Sango angry? Kagome almost missed the familiar sound of Sango slapping Miroku. She laughed to herself as a memory of the grinning monk floated into her mind. The smile slowly faded as another face replaced that of the houshi. InuYasha. Kagome sighed.

She missed him, though she didn't like to admit it. She knew others would think she should probably hate him, or at least not want to see him, to touch and hug him as much as she did. The girl couldn't help but wonder if the hanyou was thinking of her at all. Her better judgement dragged her heart and mind from the temptation of sitting there and analyzing each memory, making all of them, even the most painful, fresh. She deeply regretted the hateful words she had said to him, but she had known no other way to make him stop trying to apologize. Everytime he did, it was like she was sucked in and she found herself right back to the same place, somewhere between lifting hope and heart-wrenching resignation. Some of the things she said had been true. She did believe that he cared for her, and not just in friendship. But it was hard to believe that there was much truth to the love he said he felt. A broken hearted but naively optimistic girl inside her cried out. It was the same voice that always brought her back to InuYasha, despite any betrayal. Maybe he wants to love you, and he's just not there yet! That's something isn't it?? Kagome closed her eyes and shut the voice out. The new, stronger Kagome was firm. It used to be, but it's not anymore.

A rustle in the bushes to her left caught her ear and she turned to see a young doe casually, gracefully walking to the edge of the small clearing. The gentle beast raised its head to eye the girl, then with a flick of long legs it turned and sped off, the white tail waiving. Kagome smiled.

She had been lucky to find this secluded little grove to practice and meditate in. And even luckier to find it without Koga interfering. But she missed practicing with Kaede, she longed to hear the woman's words of guidance and comfort. It had been just over a month since she had left with Koga. Winter had passed and spring was in full bloom.

Standing, Kagome started to straighten her haori out of habit, but stopped when her fingers touched the soft fur. She didn't have her training haori, just the clothes that Ayame had given her. Though she was missing her other friends greatly, she smiled as she thought about the young female wolf demon.

As she walked back to the den, Kagome contemplated her friendship with Ayame, as well as the relationship that was blooming between the other girl and Koga. The seeds of love had been there, as Kagome had suspected. Shortly after Ayame had appeared, she remained close to Koga. It was impossible for any hot-blooded demon to ignore the young, beautiful female. Yes, the beginnings were definatly there. They just needed a little nurturing. Ayame's feelings had been more than evident, but Kouga's had always seemed a little more hidden. Kagome had prodded and urged until she thought she had the right information.

**** **** **** **** **** Flashback

They were sitting under the stars on a large tree stump. Koga had invited Kagome to sit with him, but when the human invited Ayame, the other girl declined, defeat in her eyes.

"Kagome... Are you truly happy with that mutt-face?" Koga had asked.

She looked up at him, curious. Just as quickly, she looked away again as she considered her answer.

"He makes me angry. And he hurts my feelings. Sometimes I'm sad, and when I am.. it's a really deep kind of sad. But a lot of the time, I'm happy. Very happy, so that the other stuff doesn't seem so bad." Kagome was a little surprised at how true her own statement was.

"I do still love him Koga.... I don't think I would know how to not love him."

Shortly after he had first brought her to the den, she had ended up telling the wolf demon why she had left with him. At first, Koga had been furious. As far as he was concerned, if Kagome insisted on being with the mutt, then he damn well better keep her happy. It was ages before Kagome had calmed him down.

After realizing that Kagome's feelings for InuYasha ran deeper than his own feelings for her, Koga had finally relented on his hope for her heart... sort of. Still, he felt that he was responsible for making sure she was happy and safe. And he was intent on chewing out InuYasha the first chance he got.

Koga had seemed pensive for a moment, then mentioned something unexpected to Kagome.

"Ayame doesn't seem very happy lately. Has she told you if anything is wrong?"

The young woman looked up at the wolf demon again, but this time, he was staring at the moon above them. She read genuine concern on his features.

"No, Ayame hasn't said anything in particular to me... but I have noticed she seems sad. What do you think could be wrong?" Kagome looked away from Koga. She hadn't really lied. Ayame hadn't said a word as to why she was so miserable. But then again, she didn't have to. Koga fiddled with with a scrap of fur from his clothing.

"I dunno. I don't want to upset you Kagome, but... She got worse when I brought you. Do you guys not get along or something?"

Kagome almost laughed. Koga was sweet, loyal, and when he wanted to woo you, he would do everything to sweep you off your feet. But he matched InuYasha in tact. He had none. And they were both absolutly clueless about the feelings others had for them. Kagome's heart squeezed a little at the painful reminder, but she pushed it away. She didn't want to constantly be tormenting herself with something that could never be hers anymore.

"Koga, me and Ayame are fine. She's become a close friend. But I do think her unhappiness does have something to do with me being here..." Kagome paused, hoping Koga would pick up on her insinuated tone. Ayame mooned over the guy, he couldn't be that dense... could he?

"Then I don't understand what the hell her problem is. She likes you. She's always with the pack, does everything she wants. Ugh! Females... er.. sorry."

Kagome dropped her head. He was that dense. A month. A whole damn month she had been pushing Koga to Ayame, and though he stopped needing the pushing recently, he still didn't get it. Sure, he spent a lot of alone time with Ayame now, but then he'd come back and immediatly ask Kagome how she was. All Ayame wanted was to know that Koga cared for her. And the guy kept sending her mixed messages. Kagome was ready to strangle him. She knew what the female youkai was going through. She decided it was time to be blunt.

"Koga... do you remember when we found that you had asked for Ayame's hand years ago?"

Koga blushed furiously. He stammered out a mumbled reply and nodded. He had offered Ayame marriage. He had cared for her before he had seen Kagome, only to push her aside when a new girl came around. As much as the mutt got under his skin, this was the only topic he could sympathize with him on. Things were a little bit different for the wolf demon though. He knew Kagome didn't care for him in the way she did for InuYasha, and the burning infatuation he had held had faded somewhat, and was being replaced with a treasured companionship. Recently, he had been thinking of Ayame, and of the promise he had made for her years ago.

"Did you ever think that maybe it wasn't just an issue of convenience for her? That she actually wanted to stand by your side as your mate? And if she did, don't you think that it would have bothered her to find that you had brought back me, a girl you said you loved, back to the den and then exptected Ayame to take the back seat?" Koga blinked as Kagome abrubtly stood in front of him. She looked a little angry, but he wasn't sure why. He was flustered as he took a moment to consider her words.

"Uh.. well... It's not that I don't care about her or anything, but that was a long time ago, and Ayame doesn't feel like that anymore."

Kagome scoffed. "Koga, every day, while me and her are practicing swordcraft, you come by and she goes starry-eyed. I have gotten better with using a blade, but you are a very big reason why the lessons never finish and I'm not as good at fighting as she is, when I should be. If you can't see that you're either blind, or stupid. Quite possibly both."

The exhasperation in her voice was more than evident. With a sigh, she turned and walked away from the dumbstruck demon. Koga rose and in a few strides caught up with her. He spoke her name and touched her arm. When she turned to face him again, he was surprised to see the start of tears in her eyes.

"Koga, I know you have feelings for Ayame. They may or may not grow into something else, but at least give it a chance. Ayame loves you." Kagome looked at the demon, trying to convey that she truly believed he and the other demon were meant for each other. The wolf saw this, but also something else that haunted the sable orbs that peered up at him. A thought and a wish that he knew had haunted the young mortal for a long time.

Koga grimaced and hugged Kagome to him. Kagome was too good for InuYasha. He expected her to cry, but she didn't, instead digging her fingers into his fur vest. Despite her refusal, he had always hoped someday, something would change her mind. What he saw in her eyes now convinced beyond anything else that it would never happen. He turned his mind briefly to Ayame. It was true, he had come to admire her and looked forward to seeing the girl. Perhaps in his fervent infatuation with the mortal, he had been blind to anything else, even the new feelings that crept up in his heart. He made two resolutions. One, he was going to work things out with Ayame. Two, he was going to pound that stupid mutt into the ground.

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Sango paced the entrance to the small path that led to the God Tree. Now she was worried about two of her friends, Kagome and InuYasha. She had sat and talked with Miroku multiple times about the relationship of their two missing companions. The fury she had felt towards the hanyou had abated eventually. Miroku had tried to explain things from InuYasha's point of view as best he could. The monk himself was unhappy with the way InuYasha treated Kagome, but he knew that the other man had personal demons to deal with, literally, as well as working with the overwhelming emotions Kagome had opened his heart to. He pitied his friend in a way. They all expected him to easily choose between a woman who was his first love and who he had sworn to protect, and a woman who had shown him a deep and true love, and who he also wanted to protect. The hanyou's honor, though he often claimed to have none, was being pulled in two opposite directions.

After understanding this, Sango started to worry about InuYasha. The group knew how depressed he became whenever Kagome left even for a short time, and the guilt he battered himself with when he knew he had hurt her by seeing Kikyou. Now he had the new knowledge that Kagome had forever locked herself in the feudal era. And all knew the reason for her choice.

As the monk approached her, she turned concerned eyes to him.

"Miroku, InuYasha's been gone too long. I... I shouldn't have been so harsh with him." The young taijiya hung her head in shame, remembering swinging her bone weapon at the silverhaired hanyou.

The houshi nodded. "I'm worried as well. He's never left for this long before. You were angry for Kagome. But still.... What do you want to do?"

Sango quickly made a decision. "I'm getting Kirara and I'm going to find him. We can't track Kagome, but I'm sure Kirara can pick up InuYasha's scent."

Without another word, Sango retreated to hut at the edge of the village and emerged wearing her exterminator uniform and her weapon. Kirara followed her and changed into her demon form upon reaching the path where the two humans stood.

"I should come with you..." Miroku started, but Sango held a hand up and climbed upon Kirara's back.

"I'll be ok on my own. Besides, he might not...be comfortable with both of us there."

Miroku paused for a moment, then nodded. He understood that Sango felt the need to apologize to the hanyou for her own behavior, as well as make sure he was ok. There had been little demon activity in the area, and he knew Sango could handle herself. He waved as the woman and the cat demon lifted into the air.

***** ***** ****** ********* ************ ***********

Sango urged on her demon friend.

"Come on Kilala. I know you can find him."

They had been seraching for the better part of the morning, consistently moving west. There was no sign of the half demon they sought. By late afternoon, the youkai exterminator gave up her hunt and returned to the village. Miroku met her with eyes that at first were expectant, then faded to disappointment. He was trying to to hide the look before Sango lept from Kirara's back, but the girl had already seen.

"Couldn't find him?"

Sango mutely shook her head. Her eyes were starting to sting. Kagome had left to get away from InuYasha. InuYasha left to get away from his memories here in the village, and of course, Sango herself. Shippo was starting to get older, going through a demon 'growth spurt', and was pulling away from them, no longer behaving like the small child he was before. The girl clenched her fists. The group, the closest thing she had to a family... no, the family she had now since her own village was decimated, was falling apart and there was nothing she could do about it. Miroku sensed her frustration and reached out to her. Before he could clasp her to him, the kitsune that now looked almost eight years of age instead of six ran up to them, a look of urgency splayed on his features.

"Miroku! Sango! I saw InuYasha!" The two adults snapped their heads towards his voice at the mention of the hanyou's name.

"Where is he? What did he say?" Sango fired her questions as the young demon stopped to stand next to them.

"He's not here, he only stopped for a second before he left again. He asked me to tell everyone that he would be gone for awhile, but he wasn't going to stay gone. He said he'll be back, but he doesn't know when." Shippo paused for a moment. "He didn't say why, exactly. Something about it being 'man-stuff' and that I would understand later"

The last sentence was more of an afterthought, as if the young youkai was still trying to understand what InuYasha had meant. It was obvious he was proud that the older hanyou he not-so-secretly looked up to had entrusted him with the important message. But it brought no joy to either of the humans before him.

Miroku could almost feel Sango's spirit deflate. Without Kagome or InuYasha, they wouldn't be able to go on a serious search for the jewel shards, even if they wanted to. Until both of their missing comrades returned, the remainder of the group was left on their own.

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"But Kagome I don't understand why you have to go! Can't you do this meditation thing here?? I don't care what a 'sabbatical' is, I don't want you to go away on your own! At least let me or one of the others go with you!"

Ayame was trailing behind the young mortal who flitted about the small cavern she had claimed as her own. Kagome was quickly folding and packing things into a large leather sack, preparing to leave.

"I don't understand why you don't want to stay here."

Kagome had quickly finished her packing while Ayame voiced her protests. She finally turned to face the obviously distressed girl.

"Ayame, it isn't that I don't want to stay here, this is just something that I feel I need to do. There is still a lot I don't understand about my power, and besides, the sabbatical is normal for miko's in training." Kagome wanted to calm her friend, but she didn't like lying to her. Well. It wasn't quite lying; for all she new, miko's really did go on sabbatical.

She rifled through the sack, checking the items she had packed. A blanket, some food, some oil for tanning hides, an extra set of clothes, a sleeping role, as well as some coverings in case it rained. She didn't need anything to make a fire, nor the makings of a tent, the forest would provide that. She had also packed a small sharpening stone and another type of oil for the sword she now used regularly. Ayame had trained Kagome until the mortal could fight at an intermediate level. Then the miko had decided to take this personal leave.

"Ayame, it's late spring, it's going to be summer season in about a week or so. I'll only be gone about two months, and I'll leave a notice for you and the others around the middle of the month. I won't be gone very long, but this is something I have to do." Kagome's face pleaded with the frustration of her friend, hoping the other would understand what even she herself did not.

The female youkai held her companions eyes for a moment, then dropped her gaze. She hated the fact that Kagome was leaving. It didn't feel right to her. She and the girl had become quite close since she had arrived. Ayame hadn't known about female friends before Kagome. Typically, other females were either family, or rivals, or both! Kagome had shown her kindness, understanding and friendship. And, although the dark-haired girl had never said anything, Ayame was sure that she had had a hand in her new relationship with Koga. The wolf demon lord had slowly started to pay more attention to surprisingly shy female. They had been spending time together before. Kagome would want to go for a walk and get Ayame and Koga to go, but then she would remember she had to train her powers at the last minute. Other times, the threesome would leave together, but somewhere along the way, the two wolf demons would find them selves alone, only to discover that Kagome had 'wandered off' after an injured animal without their notice. One day it had gone from just spending time, to his actively persueing her. At first it seemed as though he was feeling her out, uncharacteristically unsure of himself. It had gradually grown to a shy and hesitant courtship.

That was almost two months ago. What they shared now was... well... she was sure it was a relationship. Though there had been no dire professions of love, the two wolf demons were often seen sitting alone together, holding the others hand or just enjoying a stalit evening. Occaisionally, Ayame would find small gifts tucked away in her sleeping roll. Perhaps a beautiful shell at the bottom of the riverbed that she had seen, but had been unable to reach. Or flowers that she had admired while on a walk with Koga. In any case, she credited the beginnings of what she and Koga now had to Kagome. And the fact that the other girl had gone to such lengths for her happiness was something Ayame held dear to her heart.

"Kagome, it's dangerous to go out on your own. I know you have these power things, but it's still dangerous." Ayame's voice was soft now, a last pleading effort for Kagome to stay and train here, in the safety of the wolves hunting grounds.

The mortal resolutly shook her head. The need to be on her own was too strong. It wasn't that she wanted to leave her friend's behind, but more like she needed to prove to herself that she could survive on her own. While she knew of the dangers of the forest, there was only one that she was truly concerned about. Devious youkai and other predators she was sure she could handle. It was the 'demon master' that she feared. However, since she had received the amulet, the dreams had stopped and whenever she searched for a demon aura, she didn't sense the suffocating, pervasive quality of the ones that Merona and Nioaku had possessed. She felt sure that she would be safe enough.

She strapped her new blade to her hip and swung the sack, bow and quiver of arrows over one shoulder. Reaching out, she took one of the demon's hand in both of hers.

"Ayame, I'm going. I won't be gone long, I promise. But I have to go."

Ayame dropped her head in defeat. If anything, she had learned that once the young woman was set on something, it was going to happen come hell or high water.

As they exited the cave, Ayame went to stand next to Koga. Kagome saw her shake her head as Koga asked something. Obviously, Koga had hoped that Ayame would be able to convince Kagome to stay. Hakakku and Ginta suddenly swarmed her, asking a million questions. Neither wanted her to go, but both had seen InuYasha and Koga after getting in Kagome's way. They both loved the human like a sister... but that didn't stop them from being a little afraid of her every now and again. Instead of trying to convice her to stay, they asked about the things she had packed, where she thought she was going to be, how and when she would leave her promised messages. Anything to ease the packs raw nerves that the much-loved woman would be safe on her own.

Kagome finally managed to answer all the queries thrown at her, then hugged the two clumsy, adorable wolf demons to her and planted a quick kiss on each cheek, making then blush heavily. Releasing them, she walked towards the north, the surrounding wolf demon parting before her. Ayame and Koga followed close behind.

They soon approached the borderlands of the wolf tribe. The pack had not followed any further than the designated hunting grounds, leaving the well-known trio to continue alone. Kagome turned to face her friends. Ayame was still worried, and the emotion made itself well known in the jade eyes. Koga was also concerned, but maintained a stern stance.

"I promise, you guys. It won't be long. I'll be back before you know it and in the mean time, I'll leave a message for you here in the middle of every month." Kagome's heart was fluttering. She was excited, nervous, and a little sad all at once. She hugged them both at once, not wanting to drag out the goodbyes. She had been saying all along that she would be back soon. So why did her feel as if she wouldn't see her friends again? She ignored the sense and told herself that it was only nerves. After whispering goodbyes, she turned and headed down the hill and into the woods. She turned to waive one more time. Ayame frantically returned the gesture while Koga stood beside her, stoic.

Kagome turned back and headed into the woods. She would learn to control her powers. She would be strong. And she was not coming back until she finished.

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A/N: chapter 17, sorry updates are slow, still working on a million different things, thank you so much for the wonderful comments thus far. As always, constructive criticism and all comments are always welcome. :D Thanks so much!!