The Other Side of Kazaana

A/N Thanks for the reviews, everyone! A totally, not dark in the slightest, chapter. Yes, again, I’m not entirely happy with it…I pretty much always feel that way, but I’m not sure I’ll have the energy to edit more for a few days, as I’ve been writing two chapters today, so…I’m impatient and sticking it out now!


Ch 15 – Miroku’s Attraction

Miroku enjoyed the sunlight warming his skin as he walked carefully to Sesshoumaru’s camp, his kitsune shadow walking beside him. He felt a bit ridiculous, his steps stuttering and uneven, his gait winding, and all because of a bit of cloth.

He’d been right when he’d once speculated that there wasn’t another set of monk’s robes in the village, and Inuyasha hadn’t even bothered to take the time to hunt for Miroku’s when he’d taken him from the ronin’s camp. So he’d been forced to make do, if he could call it that, with a hand- me-down hakama and haori. Considering that it was made of silk, and quite large, he suspected that it belonged to either Sesshoumaru or Inuyasha originally. Both pieces had to be hemmed at the wrists and ankles, and even then, the extra material around his torso and legs still made him feel a bit like a child playing dress up. As well as the fabric between his legs constantly fooling him into thinking his robes had shifted and he was about to trip himself up; hence his rather odd walking pattern.

He was looking forward to getting another set of robes. He’d been wearing them for too long to change, and was happy that after the first day of wearing his new clothing, Inuyasha had agreed with him completely. The hanyou even promised that he would help Miroku obtain a new set. Of course, that had been three weeks ago, and Miroku was still in the same clothing. Three weeks of Inuyasha’s unsolicited help every time he wanted to walk outside the hut. Three weeks of slowly overcoming his nervousness around the men in the village, and the youkai around the outskirts. Three weeks where he would have gone crazy with boredom if it weren’t for the fact that he was desperately trying to figure out what, exactly, his relationship with Inuyasha was, and where it was going.

So far, Inuyasha still stayed with him every night. In fact, this morning was the first time since he’d been injured that Miroku had woken with only Shippou for company and he’d found himself searching the hut for Inuyasha before he realized what he was doing. It was baffling how quickly he had become used to Inuyasha constantly running his hands down his arm, playing with his hair, sitting so closely that they touched. He wondered if he might even have grown used to something as intimate as being carried around like a helpless infant if Kaede hadn’t taken the hanyou to task and told him to stop babying Miroku or his body wouldn’t recover properly.

Sometimes he found the situation very confusing. He liked and admired Inuyasha as a friend. He knew that. And the more he got to know him, the more he simple plain old liked Inuyasha. Inuyasha was loyal to a fault, and his rather gung ho bravery reminded Miroku a bit of his old friend’s, even if his style had a smoother quality that was pure Sesshoumaru. The hanyou’s compassion for Shippou and the children of the village, however, as well as his popularity with them, was uniquely his own. He had a softer, rather teasing sense of humor, an obvious love and devotion to his family and pack, and Miroku had been amused to discover that Inuyasha was known for his love of dancing. According to Sesshoumaru, Inuyasha was almost as well known among youkai for his grace as a dancer as he was for his skill as a fighter.

It turned out that Inuyasha was infamous for his sexual exploits as well, including a rather lengthy relationship with ronin Miroku. At least, that was the impression Miroku got from the few comments he heard around the campfire at night. While he’d been rather unsurprised to discover that ronin Miroku and Inuyasha had been intimate, the fact that Inuyasha might be an accomplished seducer was rather unnerving. If he’d thought about it, he would have assumed the ronin to be the aggressor in a relationship. It was a pretty large shift in his thinking to view Inuyasha as the pursuer. It also made him wonder if he was being pursued himself. Just how many of Inuyasha’s little caresses were calculated to make him aware of Inuyasha and his body and his touch?

He didn’t know, but whether they were calculated or not, Miroku was surprised and a little frightened to realize that they were making him more aware of Inuyasha in an entirely different way. The hanyou’s constant touches had gone from startling, to comforting, to…a little arousing. He wanted to deny it, but he as much as he might lie to others, he refused to lie to himself. And he was finding himself attracted to Inuyasha, in more than just a platonic manner. He couldn’t really understand how it was possible. He was male. Very, very male. And while he’d known plenty of men who enjoyed the same sex, he’d never been among them. It had always been women. But, well, as much as his friends on this world doubted him, he truly had been a lecher. He was quite familiar with that skin-tingling, heart pounding moment of early arousal. The little tickle in his brain that teased and flirted amongst his thoughts when he was sexually interested in someone was something he recognized almost immediately.

And he was recognizing it whenever Inuyasha was in his vicinity these days. He couldn’t seem to help it: he was attracted to this Inuyasha. He felt flushed when the man was near and thought about him when he wasn’t. He found himself enjoying the sight of Inuyasha’s silvery hair, especially when he had it in a thick silver braid down his back. He looked forward to waking up to amber eyes staring at him in the morning, and he’d had to start resisting the urge to lean forward to kiss him, just to see if it was like he remembered. He thought about what the hanyou would look like naked, for goodness sake. Actually imagined his bare chest and nude flanks and found the thought appealing. He had a bit of a hard time visualizing the hanyou’s more intimate parts; actually had a hard time even thinking about it sometimes. Even so, no matter that Inuyasha was male, and that Miroku had never been attracted to a male in his life, he…well, he thought the hanyou was… sexy.

And the thought was enough to make him stammer, honestly. Inuyasha was a MAN, not a woman. This time around, the person Miroku had feelings for was not going to respond favorably to Miroku’s typical overtures when he found himself attracted to someone. Actually, he had the feeling that if there was ever going to be something like a relationship between he and Inuyasha, he would be in completely uncharted waters.

Miroku wasn’t pursuing Inuyasha, after all. He wasn’t larger and stronger than him, he wasn’t taller, and most disconcerting, he wasn’t more experienced. Actually, considering that Inuyasha had been alive for so much longer, and sexually active for quite a bit of that time as he’d discovered, Miroku suspected that Inuyasha was quite a bit more experienced than he was. It was very odd to be in such a position. He felt uncertain and at a fairly large disadvantage. He didn’t think he’d ever felt quite this vulnerable before when it came to a sexual relationship. It was such a strange notion.

And in spite of the odd and rather frightening reality of what a relationship with a half-demon would entail, including a type of sex that he’d been completely unfamiliar with before Inuyasha had introduced him, he was actually, to his surprise, seriously considering it. What would it be like to have a more intimate relationship with Inuyasha? What would it mean, to actually…be …with Inuyasha? He knew he was attracted to him, as hard as that was to come to terms with. So as much as he was uncomfortable with the others knowing that, attraction wasn’t an issue. And considering that the youkai could all tell his arousal merely by his scent, his feelings certainly weren’t a secret. But… what would it mean to be with someone who was so much stronger than he was? With someone who was trying to protect Miroku instead of the other way around?

With someone who had, Gods help him, threatened to spank him? It made him terribly embarrassed to think that the hanyou could probably do it. Not without a hell of a fight, but if neither were trying to kill the other, and without his kazaana, Inuyasha would win a physical contest between them, in the end. Was he really seriously considering being with someone who could do that to him? With someone he was that helpless against?

Someone who would threaten it in the first place?

He swallowed as he continued to walk with Shippou. Was he really considering this? Was he actually seriously thinking about having a relationship with Inuyasha? And was it even an option? He had no idea if the idea was something Inuyasha was even contemplating. If Inuyasha’d had such an active sex life, he might simply be looking for a little enjoyment, and then he’d move on. The thought really bothered Miroku. He didn’t want to be just a casual bed partner. Not that he hadn’t enjoyed many casual encounters before, but this felt…different. Inuyasha was in his head in so many ways, and in so many situations during the day, that he felt annoyingly like he was infused with the hanyou. He didn’t go for more than fifteen minutes during the day without thinking of him in some way, and it worried him. If Inuyasha had become so much a part of his life now, when he wasn’t even having a relationship with him, how would it be if they actually had one? Could he keep perspective? Could he maintain that little bit of distance needed to survive a more casual encounter, or was he making the mistake already of losing himself in Inuyasha?

Trying to clear his head and leave his thoughts for another time, he concentrated again on walking. Since Inuyasha wasn’t with him, he’d decided to try walking to the camp on his own. He’d been practicing in secret inside the hut when Inuyasha wasn’t with him, so he knew he could at least do this without injuring himself again. He might have to send Shippou ahead for help if he didn’t have the energy to make it the entire way, something he’d really like to avoid, but so far, he thought he was doing just fine.

Shippou paused next to him and he looked down, rather attuned to the kit’s moods at this point.

“Um, Miroku, are you sure you want to go to Sesshoumaru’s camp right now? We could go somewhere else, if you want.” Shippou said.

“No, I’m fine with Sesshoumaru’s. Why? Did you have somewhere else you’d like to go?”

“No. It just sounds like Kouga and Inuyasha are fighting, and they’re always kind of loud when they start in on each other. You’ve never been around them like that and I thought it might be…scary for you.” Shippou finished.

Miroku started to laugh. “Goodness no. I think it actually might bring back some very fond memories, seeing them fight. Thanks for the warning, however, Shippou. The gesture is appreciated.”

Shippou smiled, eye shining at the praise, and Miroku smiled back. Continuing his walk, he smiled to himself as the wind brought Kouga and Inuyasha’s raised voices to him. It really did bring back fond memories, as well as the mere sound of Inuyasha’s voice eliciting a whole host of new sensations all on its own. As he and Shippou drew nearer, he started to make out the words being flung so fiercely between the pair.

“…again, it’s none of your fucking business!” Inuyasha yelled.

“ Well I’m sick and tired of having to watch what I say around him all the time!” Kouga yelled back.

“Then shut up and leave, dickhead!”

“Don’t be such a dumb ass of a hanyou!” Kouga growled fiercely. “You NEED to tell him the truth, Inuyasha! It’s gone on long enough!”

Miroku felt unpleasant butterflies start moving within his stomach. Who were they talking about?

“He’s not strong enough to hear it right now, dammit! He was just injured!”

“Bullshit! He’s not in any danger, you dolt! He’s recovering just fucking fine! You can’t use that as an excuse any longer!”

Are they talking about ME? He felt even more uncomfortable, his stomach starting to twist into knots. If they were talking about him, then what was it that they’d been keeping from him? He’d thought they trusted him. Had that been a lie?

“It’s not an excuse! His body might be fine, but the man’s still damn fragile. I don’t want to scare him, okay?”

Scare him? What in the Gods’ names were they keeping from him that would scare him?

“You think you’d scare him? Inuyasha, the rest of us aren’t stupid, you know! The man smells aroused around you every fucking time…”

Miroku tried not to flush. It was one thing to know that the youkai were aware of his body, quite another to hear it said out loud.

“…and you’re sleeping with him every night. He’s not frightened of you that way, so what’s the problem?!”

Inuyasha was silent for a moment as Miroku continued slowly walking towards the camp, just out of sight with the help of the nearest bushes he still had to navigate.

“Dammit.” Inuyasha said hoarsely. “I can’t tell him without telling him…other stuff. And the other stuff really sucks, okay?”

“Are you talking about when you first met him? The ronin crap?”

“Yeah.”

“Inuyasha, he won’t blame you for it; you thought he was the ronin!”

“I know! But when I knew he wasn’t, I still… Dammit Kouga, it’s my fucking fault the stupid ronin knows anything about him in the first place! And it’s really my fault if he’s got dirty little thoughts in his brain about Miroku! I could have stopped him! I could have stopped him the first time, before he ever touched him, and I was so sure it was a trick that I didn’t and he almost got raped because of it! And it’s my damn fault! I fucking watched it, Kouga! How do you think that’s going to make him feel?”

Ah, so that was it, Miroku thought, patting Shippou’s head as the kitsune watched him anxiously. The information wasn’t exactly new, just confirming what he’d already suspected. Honestly, it had made no sense for Inuyasha to chain him to the middle of an empty field, when he’d thought he was ronin Miroku. Inuyasha was not one for long, lingering vengeance, in his opinion. He seemed more inclined to slash at the bastard until he expired.

But being used as bait, for Naraku? That sounded more likely, and if that were the case, than Inuyasha would have had to be watching from somewhere. It hadn’t felt good, thinking that Inuyasha had seen everything the ronin had done to him, but considering that he’d stepped in before the actual rape, Miroku had finally come to terms with it. He hadn’t known him, after all. He’d been a mere stranger, and one wearing the face of someone Inuyasha knew as an extraordinarily awful person. He felt lucky that Inuyasha had decided he was someone worth saving, before it was too late.

He stopped walking, wondering if he should just turn back around and leave Inuyasha and Kouga to their discussion without revealing his presence, when Inuyasha went on.

“How is the Miroku going to feel, knowing that his own fucking mate left him to be molested like that?” Inuyasha said harshly

Miroku’s brain flattened out, and his legs started moving without his knowledge until he stood on the edge of camp, staring at Inuyasha’s back as he looked straight at Kouga. He wasn’t sure what expression he wore, but it must have been something to behold, because Kouga’s face went pale as he saw the monk emerge from behind the bushes.

What was Inuyasha talking about?

“Uh…Inuyasha.”

“How am I supposed to tell him that’s he’s my fucking mate in the first place, let alone what I did? Or what I damn well didn’t do?” Inuyasha could feel the familiar panic welling up inside at the thought of telling Miroku and losing whatever affection and trust had been slowly building between them.

“Uh, Inuyasha?”

“What!”

“I think maybe we shouldn’t have had this discussion when the wind was blowing towards the village.” Kouga said quietly, swallowing audibly.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Inuyasha snarled.

“You-you may want to look behind you.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, what is it…now.” Inuyasha stopped dead as he looked into Miroku’s pale, stunned face. “Oh fuck no…” he whispered, staring at him. Miroku stared back, his indigo eyes dark in his face, and then he started to stutter.

“I-I- I’ll head back to the village.” Miroku said, haltingly. “I didn’t mean to intrude. S-so sorry.” He turned, his entire body shaking, and Inuyasha cursed again.

“Miroku! Dammit, stop!” Miroku continued walking and he leapt over to land in front of him, grabbing him carefully by the arms. “Miroku, don’t just leave, for crap’s sake. I just… I.. Crap, we need to talk.”

Miroku stared at him a moment before firming his lips and nodding. “I suppose we do,” he said. His eyes still seemed too dark and his pupils too big, thought Inuyasha. Dammit all to the fucking hells.

“Here, let me carry you back to the damn hut.” He muttered, picking up Miroku’s stiff body. “Shippou, can you stay here for a little while? Miroku and I need some privacy for a few minutes, okay?”

Shippou nodded slowly. “But no yelling. I told him you two were yelling, but he said it was okay, and now look! He’s really upset. So…so no yelling.”

“I won’t yell.” Inuyasha said softly, wishing it were as simple as the little kitsune seemed to think it was. “I promise.”

“Okay then, I’ll stay with Kouga.”

“Yeah, I’ll watch out for the squirt.” Kouga said, coming over and picking Shippou up to fuzz his head unmercifully. “You two…talk or whatever.”

Inuyasha headed back to the hut, putting Miroku down on his, on their, pallet on the floor.

He sat next to him, staring. What the hell was he going to say? As usual, Miroku found the words to speak first.

“I don’t blame you,” he said quietly.

“You don’t blame me for…”

“For not helping me at first with the other Miroku.” Miroku said.

“Shit. Miroku, I…” he felt the shame of it all over again, looking at his mate’s small, slim body next to him. How could he have let ronin Miroku even fucking touch it, let alone hurt it! “I’m so sorry. I was such a bastard.”

“No, I understand,” Miroku said softly. “I really do, Inuyasha. I can’t say it feels good to know that you were there. That you saw…the things he did…but you did stop him in the end. And considering how much the man’s done to make you mistrust him, I’m actually very grateful that you stepped in at all.”

“I should have stopped it sooner! I wanted to tell you, but I just… I didn’t want you to hate me…” Inuyasha said miserably, closing his eyes.

He opened them as he felt Miroku touch his bent leg gently. “I don’t hate you, Inuyasha. I do with you’d told me sooner, but I don’t hate you.” Inuyasha looked at him, sure he was just being placated. He had to hate him. “Inuyasha, I can’t see how you could have known who I was beforehand. It’s not as though you could have even guessed! How can I blame you for acting as though two Miroku’s was some sort of trick? It quite easily could have been, and how would you have felt if you’d fallen for it and the others had been hurt? I appreciate more than I can say that you wish you’d done differently, but you wouldn’t have been a very good friend to the other people in your life if you’d trusted in me right away.” Miroku patted his knee.

“And I forgive you, if you need to hear the words.”

Inuyasha nodded, feeling relief mix in with the still present guilt. He let out his pent up breath with a woosh. “Th-Thanks. I did.”

He looked at Miroku’s small hand on his leg, marveling. The man was so understanding; how in the hells did he turn out that way?

“But…about what else you said.” Miroku continued on, swallowing and flushing at the same time. “D-did you say something about…mates?”

Inuyasha stared at him. Crap. How was the hell was he going to tell him what happened?