Where My Heart Lies

Kagome had exited the hut only to find that Inuyasha was nowhere in sight. She had a strange feeling. A bad one at that. Although she had not done it since the night she had made her decision to stay in the feudal era, Kagome automatically searched for InuYasha's aura. The familiar red and gold came into hazy view. Kagome's heart settled for a moment. He wasn't far, just at the God tree. Perhaps something had been bothering him. She set out to reach the tree and make sure he was all right.

She had sensed it before she had actually seen it. The prescence that she had foolishly tried to ignore. Even as her mind conjured the image she was sure to find, her heart begged her to stop, to think of something else, to push forward and prove to herself that Inuyasha was really just sitting in the God tree, looking perturbed. Not with someone else. Not standing next to an undead woman from his past. Not embracing Kikyou.

Her pace slowed as she came upon them. Her breaths came in short gasps as she tried to keep quiet. As much as her feet wanted to run in the other direction, her eyes remained fixed on the two figures in the clearing. From the shadows, she watched as the one who came before her stumbled. Watched as the one she had given her heart to held the other woman, stroked her hair, told her he would always be there. Each action, every word was like a searing blade into her chest. Just when she thought that maybe, just maybe, this wasn't what she had thought and she was overreacting, just as she was trying to tell herself it wasn't a resurfacing of the feelings she thought InuYasha had let go of for Kikyou, he kissed her. It was a deep, thorough kiss that made Kagome think of when he had kissed her own lips. Then he had raised his head and looked at the undead miko with eyes full of love and adoration.

Kagome could take no more. She pressed her hand to her mouth, trying to stifle the shuddering gasp that signaled tears. She had to move away, to get away. Now she was walking stiffley through the forest, not paying attention to her surroundings. Her vision was bright and blurred with unshed tears. Her chest slowly heaved as she tried to control the gasping sobs that wanted to be release.

I will not... I can't .... no more...!

She wrapped her arms around her body and tried to blink back the tears. She should have known better. She had lost her head, and her heart. Now what would she do? The one man she wanted to have by her side would never have room in his heart for her. A painful, strangled sob escaped her. Bringing her fist to her eyes, she savagely brushed away the tears that fell. She felt hollow. Her battered and broken heart beyond repair. Waves of despair and dejection crashed over her. Cries tried to claw their way out of her again as her miserable tears threatened to spill over.

She froze when she felt a clawed hand on her arm. The peices of her heart started. Just as quickly, she crushed them with the replaying of the scene she had just witnessed. She turned to face him, only to look into his own crushed gaze.

"Kagome... I... I'm sorry.." His eyes begged her, pleaded.

Her own words were just above a whisper, her throat too strained for anything else.

"I know....."

"I never meant for it to happen. I -" Kagome cut him off with a raised hand. Tears were imminent again. His whole body ached at hearing her voice, swollen with tears caused by him

"Please don't InuYasha. I... I can't do this. I know your sorry, I know you don't mean to... But things will never change. I know you feel something for me, at least, I would like to think so. But not what you feel for her. Never what you feel for her..." Kagome's voice hitched thorough her words. Her throat ached where she made every attempt to not let the choking sobs overtake her.

Inuyasha attempted to interject, but she refused him. Inside, he was panicking. Kagome didn't sound angry. She was hurt horribly, .... and defeated. It was the defeat that alarmed him. She continued in a painful whisper, but dropped her eyes, unable to hold his gaze.

"I've tried to let it go. To be ok with it..." She shook her head and smiled sadley, tearfully into the darkness. "but I can't. I love you InuYasha. I'm afraid I always will. But I can't be second best anymore. I can't keep competing with Kikyou for your heart." She raised her sorrowful eyes to his again.

"I can't fight against memories. I can't win over ghosts."

InuYasha swallowed hard. The cold feeling he had before reached his extremities, freezing his fingers. He felt numb. Kagome was letting him go. He could feel it and it terrified him. She was turning her heart away from him. He reached out to her again, panic in his eyes.

"Kagome..." Pain stabbed his heart when she took a step back, holding her arms tighter against her body. Protecting herself from him.

"Please don't touch me."

The finality of those words struck InuYasha hard. He reached out the rest of the way and grabbed hold of her wrist.

"Kagome, you have to understand." Althoug his words were gentle, they sent a subtle blaze of anger through her. She closed her eyes and pulled back her hand. Would he understand nothing but anger?

"Understand? I have been understanding Inuyasha. I have given up my friends, my family, my life for you." Her voice was now raising in anger. His eyes shot to the jewel shard around her neck, laying next to the amulet that shone with life. Following his eyes, she grabbed hold of the Shikon no Tama and snapped the chain from her neck.

"I don't care about this stupid jewel! If it was gone tomorrow I would still want to be here. With you. I have waited, and tried to be understanding about your past. About Kikyou." Her eyes flashed in pain and anger. Her voice shook, on the verge of painful tears. InuYasha was speechless." I have let you take my heart and break it a thousand times over, then still stay by your side, only for you to betray me again."

Her anger temporarily spent, her tone dropped to sad resignation again.

"I believed you when you told me loved me. I shouldn't have. You don't love me. Not really."

InuYasha was breathless from her words. They struck him like blows, lashing through his flesh and leaving their mark on his heart and soul. He tried again. She had to know he loved her, that he would never forsake her.

"Kagome, please..!"

Anger finally overcame her and she lashed out to the one who had hurt her so, tears finaly falling.

"Please? Please what? Please understand? Please forgive you? I have done that! I have been understanding, I have forgiven you each and every time InuYasha! How can you ask more of me?" She paused for only a moment.

"And say I did move past this again. What then? If our relationship continues, will I have to understand and forgive you when you go see her again? Will I have to understand and forgive when you leave in the middle of the night? Should I understand that I would only be the one to warm your bed while she's not here, that you'll chase after her again like dog after a bitch in heat when she decides to float in? Should I forgive you for it? If our 'relationship' should continue, will I just understand and forgive until I don't give a damn anymore?" She spat the words out like venom.

InuYasha looked into her anger eyes that now streamed tears. He had no words for her. He expected hatred to come from her, but could find non in her countenance. Only pain and sadness. He hated himself for being the cause of it, and for not being able to fix it. Gods, he had caused her so much pain.

"Tell me InuYasha. When you look at me, when you kiss me or hold me... who do you see? Me? Or Kikyou?"

The question had come unexpectedly. InuYasha lifted his eyes. She wasn't looking at him anymore. Kagome was staring off into the trees again, holding one arm. She was crying, but making no sound. The tears simply slipped from her eyes and traced their way down her face. She turned her pain-filled eyes to him again. She was angry, but it no longer showed in her face, or her voice. The resignation in her countenance was like a slap in the face. Kikyou was frequently in the back of his mind, but when he was with Kagome, he was happy. And then in the clearing, when he had looked at the priestess, it was Kagome's visage that had filled his vision. There was no right way to answer her question, so he looked away from her imploring eyes.

"Yeah, I'd probably have a hard time looking at me too." Her words were dead, no longer holding any fight. InuYasha's heart wrenched inside him. It was as though he had broken her very spirit.

She started to move away from him.

"I have to go. This is tearing me apart, but I won't stay. I can't."

Even saying the phrase was killing her. Gasps escaped through her words as she continued to suppress her cries. She was ending it, and it hurt more than anything ever had before. But she had no choice, it felt as though the whole situation would sooner or later destroy her.

She turned her back and walked away. "Please... don't come for me. Don't follow me."

She heard his steps as they closed in on her, sensed his hand as it reached out to clasp her own.

"InuYasha."

The half demon froze, his fingers just inches from hers. His own spirit lifted for a moment. She would 'sit' him, just like before, and things would be back to normal.

"Don't."

Kagome continued walking away. Her steps quickened slightly, as though she couldn't leave his prescence fast enough. InuYasha's hand dropped to his side. As he watched her retreating back, the cold feeling vanished, and left him feeling dead inside. He had pushed her beyond her limits. Had been ignorant to her own feelings, and now he was left without the most important thing to him. He knew that he could not chase her. The finality of her words had stuck to his heart like painful barbs, just as they had left from hers, torn and bleeding. Numb and empty, he began his slow walk back to the hut.

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The happy chatter stopped when the hanyou entered the hut. They had all woken shortly after Kagome had left to find InuYasha. Miroku had prevented the other two from going in search for them, sure that the two had left for a 'tryst', as such. The look on the half demons face banished any thought of that.

Shippo approached him hesitantly. "InuYasha?"

His words were thick. "Kagome's gone. She's left."

Miroku took a step forward. "What do you mean she's gone? What happened?"

"I ... Kikyou was in the area. I left to find her. Kagome saw us.... together." Keeping his head low, InuYasha let his words hang in the air, the implications evident to all.

He braced himself for the fist he was sure would come from the monk. Shock and pain swept his mind as an unexpected blow struck him from the left and snapped his head to the right. He brought his eyes to Sango's. Her hand stung from strikning him, knuckles white and starting to swell. She was sure she might have broken something. Her furious gaze bored into him.

"You heartless bastard!" she hissed.

She recalled Kagome's enlightened face as they had sat in the hot springs. How happy, how in love she was. The girl would have died for the unfeeling prick that now stood before Sango. She raised her arm to strike him again, fury controlling her actions.

She felt a hand take hold of her wrist. She lifted her rage-filled gaze to Miroku.

"Stop. We have to find Kagome." Miroku's eyes were on InuYasha, portraying angry dissappointment. InuYasha met his gaze, but found no sympathy there for him.

"She would have gone home."

Shippo snarled at the older demon as he prepared with the others to leave.

"The well has been sealed you ass. It happened when Nioaku attacked you. She gave up her world to stay with you."

The trio exited the hut, leaving InuYasha standing there stupified. She had forsaken her own home for him? If he had thought that he was unable to feel any worse, he was wrong. Horribly wrong. They had to find Kagome.

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Kagome forced herself to walk slowly, trying regain control of her flying emotions. It was futile. The second she was sure she was out of InuYasha's sight, she ran. She didn't know where, and she didn't know for how long, but her feet flew. Branches tore at her clothes and whipped her face, leaving bloody scratches. Those that she couldn't run through, she shoved out of the way. Heaving sobs rose soundlessly out of her chest. Her only thought was getting away. Away from the God tree. Away from her pain. Away from InuYasha.

She collapsed to her knees when she felt she could run no more. The wind had long dried her tears, and her painful gasps were the result of her running. The searing pain still filled her and her mind whirled for a way to escape.

The well.....

Her mind seized the thought. She could go down the well and leave this behind forever. She picked herself up and started to run again, this time for the now dear portal back to her time. She would get into her own world, then toss the shards back through the well. She would never have to come back. Kagome dreaded the idea of not seeing everyone again, but a small voice told her it was the only way for her to heal. There was something else as well.... something that she was forgetting almost.

She remembered as she closed in on the lump of enchanted wood and stone that had once been the Bone-Eater's well.

"No." The pained word was a whisper.

Panic rose in her again. She had forgotten. The well had been sealed. She had chosen to stay in the Feudal Era. To stay with InuYasha. Her mind spun in dispair and she ran frantically towards it. She cried out again as she conjured an energy orb.

"NO!" She released the blast in a what she knew to be a vain attempt to destroy the twisted stone.

Her pace didn't falter until she stood at its side. Crumpling against the well, she slammed her fist against the solid seal, crying out and cursing.

"NO! DAMNIT! I want to go home!"

Her tears that had been stopped from her run crashed through her again with a hysterical speed. The gulping, gasping sobs that she had held back for so long pulled up and out of her and into the night air. She raised her hands to her face as her own pitiful cries filled the air. Kagome's anguish tore itself from the bottom of her destroyed heart, from the very depths of her betrayed soul.

Her tears, her heartache wrenched themselves free until she felt she had no more tears left. She laid her head against the lip of the well. Her face was swollen from her weeping, the blood from her scratches had dried and flaked away. In exhausted realization, she knew that she still loved him, could never stop loving him. He was the one her heart and soul had chose. Even now, the shattered pieces of her heart were attempting to pull back together, praying he would come for her. Her mind rebelled and cried out. Why must she torture herself? Why couldn't she just let it go?

The trees whispered with the night wind and a sound caught in her ear. A footstep fell behind her. As she turned her head, her treacherously hopeful heart leapt up. It's wish resounded in her mind.

InuYasha......?


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The monk, kitsune and exterminator walked ahead of him. They refused to talk to him. He could smell the anger from them, but did not resent them for it. He was the heartless bastard that Sango had called him. They had only ackowledged him when he had scented Kagome, who had circled around and headed back to the well. They were heading there now, hoping she had not left the area.

They approached the clearing and found it empty. A sharp odor permeated the air. Shippo sniffed.

" Smells like... burnt stuff."

The group serached the area, but could not find their companion, it soon became evident what had occured.

" She was here, but she left again. And she used her fire to burn away any trace of her scent so we couldn't track her."

InuYasha's words hung heavy in the air as the reality and gravity of the situation descended upon him. He had never felt such utter disgust at himself.

"Guys, over here." Mirouku's voice called from a nearby tree. The group gathered near to see what he had found. There, at eye level on the trunk of the closest tree was an inscription. InuYasha knew who had left it. The markings were the only things that carried her scent. The written words seemed to carry her voice. The imagined sound of those five simple lines pummeled his ears.

" Please forgive me, I have to leave.
I am safe, do not worry.
I love you all.
Forever yours,
Kagome."


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AN: Hello all, here's the latest installment of the story. Just wanted to address some notes about the story that others had brought up. 1) my writing style. You've probably noticed that it has changed, and that it is changing. There are 2 reasons. 1 is that I'm a book lover, so there are some influences from the writers of whatever book it is I'm reading at the time, although for the most part, I tend to just 'go with the flow'. Also, this is my very first attempt at a story. At all. So it's a learning process for me, it'll stumble, grow and mature along the way.. hopefully. 2) InuYasha seems weak! My intention was not to make InuYasha weak, but to make Kagome stronger, in character and in power. I didn't want her to need protecting all the time, although it will happen, just not as often. Also, I did take some poetic license I guess. I've put this several years into the relationship, and in doing so I'm assuming a certain level of change has occured, that there is some maturity and less anger in InuYasha's character. Also that there have been barriers removed for him, due to his relationship with Kagome and others. As such, it leaves him more open for insecurities that he wasn't willing to face, also more vulnerable. It gives others the power to hurt him, which is something he's not used to. I was planning on working this all into the story and going with it, I do have plans for it. I'm trying to show this otherside to InuYasha that we really don't see too often and also why he hides it. Guess I have to work on the clarity haha ;) I will work on it, hopefully it will get better. 3) Naraku still exists! he's just... off plotting somewhere. I haven't really thought about him, only in the later parts of the story.

Hope you enjoy, and see you all next time :)

luvs and hugs - Silverstar