What am I?

The next morning, Kagome went to school. Yuka stayed close and so far, Kagome had to give her credit. Yuka had not even hinted to the others that there was something amiss. Though, Kagome was a completely different story. She couldn’t concentrate on anything. Her mind was completely on her upcoming period, hoping.

Lunch went by and Kagome knew she wouldn’t be able to complete anything, but however Yuka managed to write and give her notes. Which was amazing in itself, because Yuka wasn’t exactly a straight A student, but she seemed to be truly worried and helpful. Out of all her friends, Kagome thought Yuka would be the first one that she would lose ties with.

That showed how much Kagome knew.

As the day went on, Kagome knew that she couldn’t have made it through without Yuka. Walking home with her, and going over the more important details of school, Kagome completely missed the lone figure sitting on the top of the shrine steps.

“Now that we’ve got that settled, come out tonight with us,” Yuka was saying as Kagome glanced over the scrawled school timeline, “It’s a Friday, you’ve been stressing enough, and besides, when was the last time you went out with your friends?”

“I don’t know,” Kagome paused then asked herself ‘why not?’, “Where would we go?”

“One of the local clubs, I can get us ID’s.” Yuka said confidently as they worked their way up the steps.

“Are you sure?” Kagome bit her lip, “I don’t want to get caught.”

“I’ve done it all year, and I haven’t gotten caught yet,” Yuka reassured.

“Why don’t you guys just come to the shrine tonight, it would be nice to see everyone... and we have plenty of room.”

Yuka smiled, “That might work.”

“What might work?” A strangely familiar voice spoke up and Kagome froze on the spot, how could he be here? She glanced up to find a body move from beneath the shadow of a post and come into complete view. There stood Miroku, in full monk regalia. How in the world did he get to the modern era?

Immediately Kagome’s eyes shot to Yuka, who had this strange gleam in her eye. She spoke up before Kagome could.

“And you are?” Yuka asked as she looked him up and down, and Kagome’s mind went blank except for a repetitive, No!

“Why, my fair lady, I am Miroku, a humble monk," Miroku let his eyes wander, “And I would gladly be at your service.”

“You pervert, knock that off,” Kagome interjected quickly, chastising him. She couldn’t keep the pang of jealousy away.

“Ah, do not worry Lady Kagome,” Miroku said with a twinkle in his eye, “I have come to see you.”

Yuka regained her breath, “This is the Miroku?” She shot a sly look towards Kagome, “Jez girl, you sure know how to pick them!”

“You speak as if you have heard of me.” Miroku countered, casting an appraising eye towards Kagome.

“Okay! That’s enough!” Kagome interrupted with false cheer, face red. “Yuka, I’ll see you guys later tonight! I’ve just got so much work to do.”

Yuka caught the hint begrudgingly, and mumbled her goodbyes with a promise to return later. Then she set off back down the shrine stairs.

As soon as Yuka was out of earshot, Kagome started her interrogation, “How did you get here?”

Miroku sidestepped the question with ease, “You’ve been talking about me. Is it good or bad?”

“I’ve told the truth.” Kagome turned even redder, falling for the change of topic.

“I did not know anyone other than your family knew of your time travels.”

Kagome backtracked, “Well, I had to… embellish a few details, but the gist is the same.”

“Might I inquirer as to the ‘embellishments’?”

“No,” Kagome said quickly and realized he had been successful in sidetracking her, if only for a minute. “How are you here?”

“That is my secret.”

“No Miroku, not when it comes to this.” Kagome was instantly firm in her beliefs about this, if he had figured out how to cross the well, perhaps Naraku could as well. Her lips pressed into a thin line. “How did you get across the well?”

Miroku caved, “Kaede aided me with a link to you, so that I may be able to follow you.”

“What link?” Kagome’s voice was hard, this was not a subject to mess around with.

“The same that allows Inuyasha to cross.” Miroku said with a hint of defeat.

The light bulb came on, “You mean I can…” A grin lit her face.

“No Kagome, it does not have a word to trigger it,” Miroku was quick to say, “Besides, I am not hanyou, a forceful word may indeed injure my person.”

Kagome sat upon the steps her mirth was drowned within her thoughts, “Did any of my family see you?”

“Yes.”

Her head shot up, “And…?”

“And what?” Miroku asked innocently as he sat next to her.

“What did you tell them?” She almost screamed at him, panicking. What if he told them?

“That I was here to visit you, and that Inuyasha was unavailable.”

That brought on a whole new set of questions, “Inuyasha let you come see me?”

Miroku grimaced, “Not exactly.”

“You mean he doesn’t know you’re here,” Kagome stated, “You know he’s gonna try to kill you right?”

She wished she was joking.

“Yeah, I know, but right now, Sango is keeping him distracted.”

“Distracted how?” Unease crept up her spine, unwelcome.

“A series of sparring matches, she started yesterday, challenging him. Now they have set up specific times to spar each day, she told him after the first duel that it was to keep her in shape during the lulls in battle. When they are done, she will make up some reasonable excuse for my absence, and I doubt Inuyasha will try to come back here so soon.”

“So Sango knows you are here?” Kagome quieted down, knowing that the conversation was going to become more intimate.

“Yes.”

“What does she think about that?” Kagome looked at her feet.

“I don’t know.” Miroku said softly, “I would prefer not to ask.”

“Why are you here?” Kagome’s voice was barely above a whisper, knowing something big was about to spew from his mouth. She waited, and was at the point where she figured he wasn’t going to answer.

“Marry me Kagome.”

Kagome’s head whipped towards his, and meeting her disbelieving eyes to his serious one’s, “What?” Her voice came out strangled.

“It is what has to be done.”

Has to be done? Kagome’s anger was instantly raised, “So you think you have to marry me?”

“No, it’s not like that, the villagers are whispering, and you are not deserving of such a reputation.“

Kagome took a second to respond, trying to remember that he wasn’t from the modern era, “I don’t care what anybody says! I don’t ever want to be married because of guilt or because of a sense of duty, or… or… “ Kagome fumbled as her emotions did a three-sixty and her mind registered nothing but overwhelming sadness. She burst into tears.

“No Kagome,” Miroku immediately felt uneasy, “Please, don’t cry!” Remembering that they were very exposed standing on top of the shrine steps, he hooked his arm under her legs and used the other one to hold her beneath her shoulders. Kagome turned and buried her face into his robes, tears dampening the material as he started to move his legs.

“I don’t know what to do…” She said after calming down slightly, still clinging to his robes as his movements slightly jarred her. “I don’t want to be with a man who feels like he’s stuck with me due to a misplaced sense of honor.”

His face lowered, and a strange sense of relief washed over him.

“Besides… I want to make sure I am in love when I marry,” Kagome’s voice gained strength, “I won’t accept anything less.”

He came to the well house and placed her on her feet, “Is it so horrible to say that I am glad for your words?”

Kagome put her hand on his chest and laughed slightly, “No Miroku, it’s not.”

“How long will you remain here?” He effectively changed the subject.

“I’m not sure, but I need to be here for just a couple more days.” Then her voice turned shy, “Well, I guess now that you can cross… will you be visiting? I mean, you can stay for the evening… if you like.”

Miroku smiled a genuine smile, “I would love that.”

Kagome looked up at him and blushed. Then it was a remembrance, of what he was capable of, and her veins felt like there was fire starting within them. She recalled the way he had kissed her, touched her…

She swallowed thickly and pulled her hand away, “I’ll just have to go tell my mom that we’ll be having a guest.” She turned and started to the house.

Miroku grabbed her wrist and halted her movement, “You really don’t hate me do you?”

“Miroku,” Kagome said as she turned to face him, wishing with everything that she was that he would stop touching her. He was making it worse for her to speak, “I thought we already had this discussion.”

“It’s more than just that,” His face was intense, “You’re not scared of me.”

Kagome was confused, but only vaguely. Her brain was turning to mush and she was mesmerized by the strong, contemplative look on Miroku’s face, it really was like they were the only two people still standing on Earth. Kagome wasn’t convinced that she really wanted to break the spell that they were in. Not wanting to say the wrong thing, a simple ‘no’ was expelled from her lips. She felt the gentle tug on her wrist, and she followed.

“I cannot express the extent of my relief at that fact.” Kagome had thought that if he spoke again, it would break the trance that they were in, but in fact it did the opposite. His voice was rougher than his last words, and it set nerves she didn’t know she had on fire. What was wrong with her?

There was as if a black hole existed between them, and Kagome felt the pull. Was it pulling him too?

A thought went through her head and her thoughts unclouded slightly. What if he didn’t feel the same? What if it was all in her head? What if she was making a fool of herself? Why exactly was she acting like this?

All of her remaining thoughts went out the window when his hand that had been pulling her slid away from her wrist and snaked out to her waist. She was painfully aware of his hand as it slid around to the small of her back, and her breath caught when his other hand came to rest on her cheek. It was like he had never done this to her before, despite the fact that they had been in this position many times previously.

It was because everything had been blown out of the water, now it was the overwhelming feeling that this was forbidden to them now. The memories of what they had done was still fresh in her mind; and with Miroku in front of her, Kagome couldn’t pull up the negative emotions that she had felt from the several days past.

Her eyes fluttered shut and she felt the ache she had experienced this strongly only once before. She wanted Miroku. She didn’t just want him to kiss her... she wanted… she wanted…

“Kagome?”

Kagome jerked away from Miroku as Souta rounded the well house and into their vision.

She looked from her brother to Miroku, a bright blush staining her face. “Souta!”

Souta looked suspiciously from Miroku to Kagome, “So who are you?”

Kagome, forgetting her embarrassment in the wake of Souta’s offensiveness, “Don’t be so rude! This is Miroku, he’s figured out how to come through the well.”

Knowing Miroku from her stories, Souta looked around hopefully, “Is Inuyasha here too?”

That wasn’t exactly the name she wanted to hear, so she pointed a stare in Souta’s direction, “What do you want?”

“Now who’s being rude?”

“Souta…” Kagome growled warningly.

“Sheesh, mom just wants to know what you want for supper.”

“Oden!” Kagome said without thinking. Then remembered her ‘guest’, “And have mom make lots of extras, Miroku is staying.”

“Alright…” Souta went back to eyeing Miroku suspiciously.

“Go please!” She huffed impatiently.

“Fine fine!” Souta stomped off towards the house, and when he was out of earshot, Kagome finally turned to Miroku.

He had this dazed unreadable look on his face, and he hadn’t spoken the entire time Souta was present. He pulled up his cursed hand and stared at it, “What was I about to do?”

He wasn’t being lecherous, or funny. He looked worried… and slightly scared, and when he spoke, it sounded like he was just speaking to himself. Kagome was tired of the miscommunication between everyone, she didn’t know exactly what he was talking about, but she was going to find out.

“What do you mean?”

Miroku glanced up as if just noticing she was there, “I think you know.”

“No I don’t,” Kagome confronted him, “Tell me.”

His face contorted into something she had never seen on him before, “I cannot.”

Kagome grew angrier, “Can’t? Or won’t? You think by not telling me it’s going to make things easier? It’s going to make it worse, and you can’t just keep these things bottled up! You need to tell someone, and I’m right here!”

Kagome didn’t miss the red tint to his face, and it was not from embarrassment, as he turned away from her and walked inside the well house to cross back, “I will not do this.”

She grabbed his arm as he tried to move away from her, “Now you just wait a minu-“ But she was cut off.

He spun around aggressively, grabbed her shoulders, and slammed his lips down on hers. He forced his tongue into her mouth, tasting her quickly, before pulling back breathlessly. Kagome stared at him, startled. Why did he just-

“You want to know?”

Kagome nodded.

He made a low, gruff, frustrated noise, “I want you again Kagome, and I shouldn’t. Your face follows me to sleep at night,” He sighed and lowered his head slightly, “You don’t know what it was like, seeing you when you had realized what had happened. I never want to see that look upon your face, or any woman, after a night of unbelievable passion. Do you remember what you said to me? Or the way you cried? I refuse to do that to you again.” Miroku started to look lost, “I took something from you that you can never get back.”

Kagome thought he was done, but he continued on when he lifted his covered hand from her shoulder to inspect it once more, “Unless we kill Naraku, this curse will consume me,” He stated the fact before plowing on, “I do not want to cause anyone pain when that happens.”

Kagome knew he didn’t mean physical pain; he meant emotional pain, but she couldn’t think of anything to say to him, to make him feel better. So she hugged him. The top of her head came only to his chin, but she placed her head against his chest, throwing her arms around his torso.

Finally words came to her as she felt him start to hug her back, “I’m confused Miroku, but not in the way you may think. Do you want me to be honest with you?”

Her fingers started to shake as he said, “Yes. I would prefer that.”

She pulled away with a deep ragged breath, “I’m scared, and I’m torn. That night… when I realized what had happened, I didn’t know what to do. All I could think about was the fact that we had…” She trailed off with a blush before trying again, “It wasn’t the way I had wanted it to be, I felt robbed, ashamed, and scared that someone would find out what we had done, and I really wasn’t emotionally ready to do what we did that night.”

Miroku opened his mouth with a woosh of air before Kagome silenced him, “I’m not done, just listen please, this is kinda embarrassing for me to tell you. If you cut in, I don’t think I can finish.”

Miroku kept silent.

“But now… everyone that counts already knows, so that takes away that aspect of what you saw from me. I do still feel robbed, but, it doesn’t feel as intense as it did before. Instead I’m left with this empty feeling, and when I’m with you, it doesn’t feel so… well… empty. I felt ashamed because I enjoyed it, and I felt like I shouldn’t have. Now I just have to hope it’s possible to feel that good without the aphrodisiac.” Kagome’s voice was only a whisper when she finished that sentence while looking at her shoes, face flaming. She quickly went to the next subject, “As for your curse… we will end Naraku’s life. I have no doubt.”

Kagome finally finished. She felt his stare and waited for him to talk. Feeling uncomfortable she added, “I’m done… you can talk now…”

“It’s possible,” Miroku said.

“What is?”

“That you can feel that good without the aphrodisiac.” She felt his hands slide around her waist again, as his words brought back the frustration she was feeling while being near him.

Kagome knew what her body wanted, “I can’t… I mean I don’t…”

His face was getting closer.

“Miroku please don’t…” She whispered against her body’s protests.

He stopped his momentum and closed his eyes, “Forgive me.”

“We can’t Miroku, I feel guilty enough already… with Inuyasha and Sango... and I know you do too.” Kagome paused to take a breath, “I want to be able to be with someone without feeling those things. Every time you touch me, I like it too much, and it makes me feel horrible because of Inuyasha and Sango.”

“How do you feel about Inuyasha? Do you love him still?”

Kagome looked at him in almost shock over the unexpected question before she answered slowly, “Yeah, I do… I think I always will, but I won’t always be in love with him. He’s not available to me, and I refuse to be second best.” She cocked her head at Miroku, “What about you and Sango?”

“She looks at me differently now. She is afraid to come near me, and I think I have hurt her too much. I will not lie to you Kagome, I had assumed that it would be Sango I would marry.”

“But instead you think you have to be with me.” Suddenly Kagome felt very exposed. All the stuff she had admitted to… and hearing what he just said… She felt the tears shining in her eyes. It hurt hearing that, and she had just told him she refused to be second-best… “You don’t have to be with me, I told you this already… go to her Miroku... just forget about all this! I swear I’m not forcing you into anything. Don’t worry about me… please, I’ll be fine…”

“You don’t understand Kagome,” Miroku tightened his grip once more on her shoulders, perverting her from moving, “It isn’t her that I crave, it isn’t her that I was with. You are the one that I wish to kiss, to hold…”

His words traveled through her ears and she felt sick, it sounded like a twisted pick-up line. The kind that horny guys use just to get laid. He loves her, but he wants me? Kagome ripped herself from his grasp, “Y-You bastard!” Tears dripped hot and heavy down her cheeks, “You love her, but you want to screw me?”

“Kagome no-“

“NO! You admitted that you were glad you didn’t have to marry me, came onto me, and then said you thought you should marry Sango!” Kagome was openly sobbing between words, she felt so stupid! She had opened up to him, said that she was basically starting to fall for him, and he… and he… her thoughts disjointed as she yelled, “I won’t be a plaything! I’m worth more than that…” Right? Her mind asked doubtfully, I am worth more than that… right?

“Listen to me!” Miroku tried to pull her back, grab her attention, “I admit that I did not mean to say that as I had, but it was not meant as you think!”

Miroku grabbed from her again, this time succeeding, he pulled her back to his chest and grabbed her wrists, pulling them so her arms crossed as he tried to speak calmly into her ear, “Is that not how you feel about me? You love Inuyasha, yet I know your body calls for me. How is what I feel any different than from what you feel?”

Kagome tried twisting in his grasp, angry and hurt, “I didn’t offer show you what it would be like without the aphrodisiac!”

“I never offered.” He said truthfully as he recalled the conversation:

“It’s possible,” Miroku said.

“What is?”

“That you can feel that good without the aphrodisiac.”

He finally felt her go slack, sobbing into the air. Sure, what he had said was suggestive, he really had never offered.

“I’m sorry…” He heard her whisper, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me…”

He released her wrists, turned her around, and pulled her into his embrace, “You were wrong Kagome… you have not come to terms with what has happened. Four days is not enough time to work out all these issues, no matter how good you thought you felt. When you can talk to me about this and really feel no bitter thoughts, then I will believe when you say you are truly okay.”

And I wish for that day with great impatience, Miroku thought sadly.