A Self Called Nowhere

Friend
Look what you gave
And how can you ever be repaid?
How may I give you a hand
From the position at your feet where I stand?

--They Might Be Giants

She ran the entire way to the well, her backpack banging against her back uncomfortably. Kagome barely noticed as her vision was blinded by tears. She wasn't even sure why she was crying. Maybe it was because there was so much she wanted to say that had been left to be said. Instead of saying those things, she ran blindly. She didn't even recall her trip to the other side. All she could see were her feet as they pounded against the ground. They pushed her forward into the past and a future uncertain, but she followed them anyway. She didn't stop running until she came to Kaede's hut.

Out of breath, heart pounding, she felt as if something had lanced her mortal soul...draining it of everything that made her human. Everything that made her feel. She didn't want to step in there. Every cell in her being yearned to just keep running but her feet rooted her to the ground. Kagome closed her eyes, and holding her hand to her heart, she willed it to slow. And much to her surprise, it did.

She had to face this. Face them. Because if she could do this, then she knew she wouldn't have to run away. She wouldn't have to break another promise...it would be the one time she didn't fail at something. Drawing in a calming breath, she slowly pushed the reed curtain from the door and entered the hut. A small sea of surprised faces greeted her and she suddenly felt like shrinking away from their attention. Suddenly, the idea of running away forever didn't seem quite so implausible. She was pinned like a butterfly now and unable to move, she just stared back blankly, eyes fluttering in the half light as she tried not to cry.

Shippou was the first to react. He immediately launched himself at her, asking her a barrage of questions all in one breath. She didn't answer him. She couldn't even hear his words. She wasn't sure what happened next, but somehow Miroku had managed to stand. He plucked the kit from her shoulder and looked at her with reserved concern. Smiling warmly, he set a hand on her shoulder, the rings on his staff jingling softly as he greeted her.

"Lady Kagome, welcome back."

She'd felt so awkward up until that point. Truth be told, she still felt a bit strange and out of sorts. Biting her lip, she smiled weakly and whispered, "Yeah..."

Wanting to say so much more...her voice betrayed her and all she could do was hold back the sob that threatened to loose itself. Tears welled in her eyes as Sango stood. She walked towards the girl she called friend, slowly, almost hesitantly...as if she thought Kagome might explode without notice. Standing in front of the younger girl, Sango stared at her with an unreadable expression, though if she tried hard to place it, the expression was on route somewhere between utterly miserable and guilt-ridden. With a muffled cry, the Slayer jerked her into an embrace her hard enough to knock the wind out of her. After a moment, Sango pulled away and wiped her eyes. She gazed at Kagome with misty eyes and smiled. It was sad, wistful but somehow endlessly joyful. Without even realizing it, a tear slipped down her cheek and Kagome smiled to keep her heart from breaking.

"We hadn't expected...We all thought...that..." Sango said, her voice tightened with emotion as her words stumbled out, "It's good...that you're continuing the quest. I'm glad...we're all so glad...I was afraid..."

"...That I wouldn't come back?" Kagome asked, smiling another brittle smile, "Naraku has to be stopped. He has to pay for what he's done...and there's still jewel shards to find. And...and you can't do that without me. I made a promise to everyone and I'm not about to welsh on it. I'm going to see this to the end..."

"Thou art a brave young woman, Kagome-sama."

Kagome turned and gave a smile to Kaede, who gave one of her own, wizened by years of living. A smile that had seen too much and caused the wrinkles around her eyes to crinkle up and there was an odd light in her eyes that Kagome couldn't quite decipher. Before she could really examine it, the elderly miko turned her gaze back towards the herbs she'd been slowly grinding this entire time. Kagome's eyes followed the motion, watching with mute fascination as the herbs were crushed between the slab and the roller of Kaede's yagen.

Kagome shook her head, whispering a nearly inaudible 'thank you'. Everyone, everything in the room seemed to be drawn taunt like a trap ready to spring. Everyone sensed it and found that there was nothing they could think to do to relieve it. All except one.

Shippou pouted, shouting loudly, "OI!" The sound was so piercing and abrupt that everyone, including the kit himself, jumped in surprise. Recovering himself, he struggled in Miroku's arms as he spoke, "What's wrong with everyone? You all act like Kagome is dead or something! We should be happy she's here, not sad!"

He finished his sentence with an angry little harumph, his lower lip protruding in a display of innocent obduracy. He looked for all the world like a stubborn little Buddha and the juxtaposition of those thoughts were too absurd. Kagome couldn't help it, maybe it was the stress she'd been under or the lack of sleep, but she found herself laughing semi-hysterically. She couldn't stop and she really, really tried. Kagome tried to explain herself, but all that came out was half-worded sputtering and barely intelligible at that. Giving up on talking, she concentrated on NOT laughing, but the harder she tried to stop laughing, the more insistent the need to laugh became.

Her friends gazed at her like she'd grown a pair of prehensile eye-stalks and she laughed even harder. Shippou had almost immediately begun laughing with her; mostly because her face was so red and funny looking that he really couldn't help it. Miroku and Sango soon followed, while Kaede chuckled silently and shook her head at the foolishness of youth. The tension in the room seemed to lessen as the awkward silence gave way to laughter and once things quieted down, that same silence didn't seem nearly as uncomfortable as it had been before. Once everyone had reigned themselves in, Miroku updated Kagome on what she'd missed the last two days.

She didn't really want to talk about certain, unnamed parties at the moment, but it seemed she had no choice. Her friends first and foremost concern was the daiyoukai currently residing in the village cemetery and they were loath to think of much else. She supposed she couldn't blame them. As it turned out, they had decided to return the youkai to Rin's grave, afraid that if they put him in a hut that he might wake and attack someone.

It was thought that it would be best for him to wake somewhere familiar, and away from anyone he could maim. They had elected NOT to give him the cure right away, mostly because he woke up quite quickly and in what most would term a bad mood. The last two days had been tense...very, very tense, as Sesshoumaru seemed to have cast some kind of dark cloud over the entire village. She hadn't noticed it before, but now she did. It was eerily silent. Even the birds seemed to know better than to chirp.

Sango had mentioned, in passing, the real fear they had that she wouldn't return. All agreed that they had no real idea how they'd proceed if she hadn't come back. The youkai was himself again, which oddly enough, made him even more dangerous than he had been before. He didn't say or do anything untoward, other than holding his silent vigil at his ward's grave. But it was generally accepted that approaching him was out of the question, as the one attempt to do so ended with a near death experience at the end of his youki whip. After that, Miroku had wisely decided to wait and see if Kagome would come back. If she hadn't, he'd stated that they'd think of something then, relying on blind hope that she'd return. Lucky for them all, she did.

In the midst of the discussion, Kaede announced that the remedy was finished. She carefully guided the crushed gyosei into a small cloth, gently folding over the edges so that none escaped before tying the small package with a piece of twine. The elderly miko handed Miroku the package reverently, knowing how precious the rare herbal concoction was. He accepted it and bowed slightly before placing it inside one of his kimono's long sleeves. No one spoke as they exited the hut. There was really nothing to say. Kagome gave an uncertain backwards glance as she followed Miroku and Sango, who were headed towards to the cemetery. Kaede gave her an encouraging nod as she disappeared back into the hut, shepherding Shippou in before her.

The long walk to the cemetery was spent in very uncomfortable silence. Kagome tried not to notice how loud the sound of crunching gravel was. Miroku and Sango were walking ahead of her and she...she was lagging far behind but not out of reluctance, as most would think. In the darkest recesses of her mind, she knew exactly why she was dragging her feet but she refused to bring it up anymore. She'd agonized over it for the last two days and she was tired of thinking about it. Her exterior mind supplied the thought that she didn't want to see him because she was ashamed of what she'd done. But the core of her being knew better. It knew that it was guilt...but not over what she HAD done but what she would do.

She had felt the pull when she'd first got here but she'd thought it was something else, mistakenly believing that something wanted to push her away, when really...it was drawing her in. That deep, dark part of her caught sight of the cemetery and it whispered to her that this was where she had wanted to run to. This was where her feet had been drawn to. Why they'd run so hard. Cold dread shot through every nerve in her body, and she shivered. She could feel it. Something pulsed, pushing away, drawing in...it was all the same. And she could feel it. That foreign aura that attached itself to hers as it pulsed again, beating in time with her own power like a second heartbeat. She felt irritation and maddening fury, and she knew it wasn't hers. It was him. He knew she was here. He knew she was coming and he was angry.

Reeling inside, she almost felt the need to stop to regain her sense of balance. Everything was so skewed and wrong. Her head felt too light. Too big. She wavered on her feet, and closing her eyes, she tried to shut the strange feeling out as it was followed by a wave of nausea. Opening her eyes, she knew she probably looked like hell. She felt like it. She was pale and tired from not having slept. It was all too much to deal with.

Gazing at the placid beauty of the cemetery entrance, she suppressed a sigh that could have been a sob if she'd let it go. That sob tried harder to get out, when she realized that Sango and Miroku had stopped and turned to gaze at her. No words were exchanged. She knew why they'd stopped and she knew they would go no further. Miroku gave her an encouraging smile as he drew the gyosei from his kimono sleeve and handed it to her.

Hands shaking, she took the small package and looked up at him, feeling helpless and hopelessly alone. They really didn't expect her to do this, did they?

"You can do it, Kagome-sama. You must do it."

Sango placed a hand firmly on her shoulder and nodded, looking a bit too broken, a bit too torn up inside. Her face was entirely too calm as she pulled out one of the two swords she had secured to her side. Holding it out for Kagome to take, she managed not to burst into tears like she wanted, holding it all back for the good of her friend. Hesitantly, the young priestess took the sword and examined it, giving the slayer a questioning look after a moment. In her hands, she held Tenseiga. How had they gotten it out of that tree? Where was the other sword? Had he even had it with him before? Eyes lost in mystery, she was swallowed by her thoughts, taking herself to a place far, far away.

Squeezing the young priestess's shoulder, she nodded solemnly and said, "You're the only one who can."

The squeeze on her shoulder and Sango's words brought her back. Licking her lips, her fingers tightened around the sheath of the sword as her gaze bore down on it. Sword in one hand, cure in the other, she felt the world around her turn and it made her sick. She wanted to get off. Dizzy and a bit nauseous, she closed her eyes and steadied herself until the world around her stopped spinning. The world DID stop spinning, but it made no more sense to her than it had a few moments ago. Was she really going to do this alone...again? She didn't want to...but she did...she wanted to run away...only to end up where she didn't want to be...to run straight to the place she'd been running away from since the very beginning of all this...

Irrationally, Kagome wanted to get angry right then and shout at them. But she couldn't decide exactly what it was she was angry about. It was then, that she discovered she wasn't really so much angry as she was terrified. She couldn't do this alone.

Her eyes widened, and she shook her head, "I can't..."

"You can." Miroku interjected, pulling her forward gently by the elbow.

She struggled faintly, but in the end, she allowed herself to be led...into the proverbial lion's den which, in her opinion, looked suspiciously like the gates of hell. She'd been pushed into the cemetery proper now and she looked back, feeling very much like a child on the first day of school.

"We'll be close by, Kagome. No need to worry."

"But..."

"Good luck."

They stood there, just watching her and she stood, just watching them in blatant disbelief. Feeling confused and overwhelmed, she turned, eyes searching the cemetery for something she wasn't sure she'd find. Was there even anything she was really looking for to begin with? Squaring her shoulders, Kagome walked forward, allowing her feet to pull her, following the tug of her soul. Hair whipping lightly in the wind, she left them behind like a wraith moving towards her haunted destination, passing her friends as if they weren't even there. It was as if a switch had been thrown and once again, she wasn't sure who was in the driver's seat. Looking over to her right, she realized it wasn't her. She was a passenger and she could only watch numbly as her feet moved forward. Her movement seemed to slow and she wondered if time was going to do her the favor of stopping.

Blinking languorously, she felt uncomfortably calm and there was an unexplainable tightness in her chest. It was so hard to breathe and her head felt so light that she was sure sooner or later it'd detach itself from her neck. Heart beating rapidly, she felt an incredible pain seep into her consciousness and just like before, it slammed into her and she gasped. It was him. He was doing this and this time she couldn't help but feel that it wasn't an accident. He wasn't in pain, he was doing this in a deliberate attempt to hurt her, or so she surmised. Stumbling forward, the calm she had felt before crumbled and true fear gripped her. She shook it off, eyesight blurring, heart hurting, she would do what she'd come here to do. She'd end this, even if it killed her. It was by blind luck and sheer persistence that she kept walking forward.

He was sitting in front of Rin's grave, looking for all the world as if he'd never left that spot. She expected him to make a move. To stand or at least turn around to acknowledge her in some way but he didn't. He stayed absolutely still and it terrified her even more than if he'd simply whirled around and lunged at her. Trembling all over, she swallowed, hoping to make her mouth just a little less dry. She couldn't look at him. She couldn't do this...why was she here anyway?

Turning away, she looked at anything but him. She found herself staring at the trees, distracting herself by marveling at the new leaves that grew from once bare branches. Nature was surely quite a miraculous thing and she wished she was far, far away. Someplace just like here, only without the large, Sesshoumaru shaped problem sitting right in front of her. Would he kill her if she came any closer? Would he kill her anyway?

So, she took it all in. The steel grey sky against the vibrant growing leaves. The small patches of grass that wavered lightly in the wind, glad to be pushing up through the cold, hard ground after a long winter. The heavy silence that surrounded her that was only occasionally broken by the shrill cries of the birds as they perched above them all, safe in the boughs of their trees. She took the world in, held it close to her and set it high on a shelf in her memory.

Yes, she was stalling, she knew this now. She didn't want to do this and she didn't want to be here, damn it all. She was afraid and so very lost. A part of her even thought that it might be a great mercy if he just killed her...and she hated that she even thought that, but it was there. And in the end, what she was about to do threatened to shatter the small bit of self-respect she had left. It was almost worse than death, if she really thought about it.

Closing her eyes, knees on the ground, she set down the sword and the cure and bowed down deeply...her first and only recognition of his status in relation to hers. She watched her hands as they lifted away from her sides. She watched them touch the ground as she bowed her head, averting her eyes...staring at the ground. It was like she was another person. A different Kagome, who wasn't quite as insolent, and just a little more broken, and then she realized that was her. Funny thing, but she couldn't bring herself to be angry or sad about it. Focusing on the ground, she breathed in deeply and let herself up enough to take the gyosei in both hands.

Coughing lightly, she bowed her head again and held it out like a proper supplicant should. In a soft voice, she humbly asked him to accept the village's gift in the most formal tone she knew. She even managed to add the honorific to his name, something she'd rarely done before, and something she would do from this day forward. It sounded strange and wrong to her ears, but deep in her heart she knew it was right. She wasn't bowing in supplication, no matter what it looked like. And she had to keep telling herself that she wasn't bowing down to him out of respect. She was doing this to distance herself from him. He wasn't better than her but she wouldn't speak or act so familiarly anymore. She needed this distance and she could find it by treating him like the stranger he was.

He hadn't responded and she wouldn't lift her eyes to find out why. She was too busy concentrating on not visibly trembling anyway. Taking a steady, measured breath, she forced herself to calm, forced away the pulsing pain he sent to her through the unwanted link between them. She only had to do this one thing, and things could go back to something resembling normal. If she did this, then he'd leave and him leaving was good. Her only problem at this point was whether or not he'd kill her, and she was trying really hard not to think about that. It wasn't really working, judging by her heart beat, which only jumped when she heard him move.

The sound of heavy silk shifting, and the crunch of the gravel beneath his shoes, it was enough to give her a mild heart attack. His sleeves snapped in the wind, and she could tell that he'd come closer. So close, she swore she could feel those sleeves brush against her bowed head. His shadow fell over her and when she looked up ever so slightly, she could just see the tips of his shoes. She inhaled sharply, tensing and closing her eyes as if preparing for death. Instead, she felt someone take the proffered gyosei from her hand and as the weight was lifted; his shadow fell a little less menacingly over her kneeling form.

Her throat was uncomfortably dry. She had no spit to swallow as her cheeks burnt brightly with fear. Despite the fact that his shadow had retreated a bit, she could still feel the open menace rolling off of him and it wasn't just from the preternatural link they shared. His anger was a palpable thing, radiating off him like steam from underneath the hood of an overheating car. She was torn between freezing in terror or running away...also in terror.

But she still had one more thing to do.

One more thing and she'd be done with all this and he'd either leave or kill her.

Or maybe both. Disturbed by her overactive imagination and her own inability to comfort herself, she forced away the terror as much as she could. She wouldn't run away like a mindless animal. She'd hold her ground. She'd do her duty, even if she was practically scared stiff. Slowly, so as not to alarm him, she reached out for the sword she'd set at her side. Hand hovering gracefully in mid-air, she lowered her arm, letting her fingers just brush the sword's scabbard.

Her fingers just brushed the fine wood of Tenseiga's sheath before they were abruptly ripped away as she was wrenched up by her arm. Dizzy and disoriented, she blinked unseeingly, briefly meeting his gaze before tearing it away, terrified. His grip on her arm was hard enough to turn coal to diamonds, and she knew, without a doubt, that after all was said and done she'd have a bruise there by tomorrow morning. Wincing, she kept her eyes firmly on the ground and tried not to think too hard about much of anything. If she was passive, yielding and submissive maybe he'd leave her alone. That's the way it worked in all those gaudy, romantic novels she used to read. This whole situation was beginning to surreally mirror those tales she used to regale herself with before she'd fallen into that well. Not that she remembered them all too well. They all sort of bled together, as stories like that weren't known for their variety in theme.

Anyway, she did remember that the young, dashing samurai in those stories always preferred a bit of struggle and their concupiscent ardor was always less once the heroine accepted her fate. That is if you believed what Lady Murasaki wrote...and right now, she'd just about believe anything anyone threw at her, so long as it got her out of this alive and him away from her. So, she smoothed out her expression and became limp, trying her best to convey her acceptance of this situation. If he wished to force himself on her, if he wanted to harm her, then let him. Not like she could stop him.

Apparently, her shows of deference displeased him as he jerked her arm sharply, nearly pulling it out of her socket. His nails dug into the flesh, just enough to hurt but not enough to draw a significant amount of blood. At first, the fact of him causing her pain was all she could see, until everything sort of evened out. His arm...his arm was trembling. It was shaking so hard that she could feel the tremors through the fingers that held her wrist. And then she looked even closer to find he was trying to summon his poison but it wasn't working. The nails would briefly glow a bright gold-green, only to flicker out moments later. Her eyes widened, a soundless gasp escaped from her mouth.

With her revelation came more pain as he hauled her up by one arm, and held her there for a moment before throwing her to the ground. She wasn't quite sure how much time passed before she was able to push herself into a kneeling position, but it couldn't have been long. Cradling her arm, she just sat there and waited, all the while trying not to cry...holding her tongue and her heart back from releasing all her pent up fury at the youkai in front of her. What good would it do? Even if she'd feel better. Even if a part of her still blamed him...

"Do you understand..." he asked, though he said it so tonelessly she wondered if it were a question that was meant to be answered at all.

Blinking slowly, she nodded, mind completely numb and blank to anything but his cold, hard voice. Yes, she understood all too well. He couldn't hurt her. She couldn't hurt him. Not enough to cause true harm anyway. What a miserable situation to be in. He moved restlessly around her, circling her as if he wanted to strike but she knew he couldn't and she knew he knew she knew. Kagome blinked; slightly confused by her mind's own rambling thoughts that she forgot he was there for several seconds. Until his shadow fell over her again.

"You will tell no one what happened here, human..."

How one person could say all those words with such cold, obvious disgust...without letting the least bit of emotion leak into his voice was beyond her, but he did it. She had that feeling that she wasn't entirely herself again, and she watched as her world view turned, helpless to stop herself from meeting his gaze. Looking him dead in the eye, she wondered why she ever thought he was so intimidating.

Kagome held her head high, her heart beating in her chest furiously. Inhaling deeply, she paused a moment before exhaling the breath in a single measured rush of air. She blinked once, before speaking to him with a voice that was as clear and as calm as a midsummer breeze.

"Something happened?"

The words and the tone were innocent and entirely too believable. His eyes widened minutely and then narrowed, his head tilting slightly in curious disbelief.

"You know as well as I that..."

"...Nothing happened. Not since you arrived."

She swore for a moment he almost looked surprised.

"You're quite sure?"

"Very sure."

"Nothing happened?"

"Nothing."

"Indeed," he drawled as he gazed at her, his golden eyes glinting too brightly in the muted morning light.

At that very moment, the world spinning on its axis and all movement in the universe abruptly stopped till there was nothing but him and her and the eternal silence that surrounded. In slow motion, his hair ruffled in the breeze, stray tendrils of bright white shifted and were tugged free to tangle in the wind. It was hauntingly beautiful. Too ethereal, too strange to be real. Everything was so much like a dream now and she didn't know where to begin or when to stop. Had she gained something or had she lost it? It was like one of her grandfather's sayings that endlessly looped around itself and the more you thought about it, the less it made sense.

And just like that, the moment ended, because...just like that...Sesshoumaru turned slowly and gathering his youki, he prepared to leave.

The dreamlike state she'd been in shattered abruptly as one thought passed through her mind.

Tenseiga. He was leaving without Tenseiga.

Kagome dipped down and snatched the sword from the ground, stumbling to her feet, she tripped over to him. Hands outstretched, she held the sword out to him, softly calling his name. The slight stirring of wind at his feet ceased and his head turned so she could just barely see the side of his face. Feeling awkward and a bit stupid, her face reddened and she searched her heart and her mind for the right words to say.

In the end, she went for simplicity, "Your sword...you forgot it."

She stepped forward in anticipation of him taking it from her but he didn't take it from her. Instead, he turned his head further, enough for her to see the nearly malevolent glare in his eyes.

"I have no use for a worthless sword."

And just like that, he left and she watched him with an almost detached reluctance, clutching the sword he left behind to her chest. For several minutes she stood like that, watching the sky for reasons she couldn't explain. Her hands tightened around Tenseiga's sheath as she turned around and walked back to her friends. Everything was so muddled now. She didn't know what to think or feel. She should feel relieved, but she was strangely sad and she didn't know why. It was like she was missing something she hadn't even known she lost but it wasn't what she thought she lost...it was something else. Something more elusive. Kagome shook her head, and just like that, the confusion was forgotten. Left behind like his sword as she crawled back inside herself and convinced her unwilling heart that nothing really had happened. That everything was normal and unchanged, even though in reality, everything was far from normal. Everything had changed.

She would go on as if it hadn't.

Things would return to normal.

If only things had been that simple.