A Self Called Nowhere

I was the worst hope of my generation
Destroyed by madness, starving, hysterical
I should be allowed to share my feelings
I should be allowed to feel

I should be allowed to think
And I should be allowed to blurt the merest idea
If by random whim one occurs to me
But sadly, this can never be

I am not allowed to think

--They Might Be Giants

Higurashi Kagome, age nineteen, opened her eyes that afternoon to world changed. Staring at the same bathroom tiles she'd stared at for the last nineteen years, she wondered how it was they seemed so different than they had before. Her eyes shadowed, darkening, she turned from the bathroom ceiling to look over the seemingly vast expanse of water in the bathtub. It was like the ocean to her eyes. An ocean she'd cried herself.

It had been approximately four hours since she'd come back from the feudal era. Coming back didn't really cover what she'd done. She'd run back, shrieking like a surface to air missile as it found its home in the sky. Yes, she'd run. Run away like a coward. Like that missile, she'd arced into the sky and fell down so low, exploding painfully all over the streets below. And now she was here in her bathroom at home, sitting in her warm tub, numbly mute to the outside world. Numb and mute inside. Unable to speak, think or feel, tears streaming down her cheek non-stop. She'd tried, at first, to wipe them away, but it was futile, so she stopped trying.

When she'd woken up, she thought that she'd want to take the kind of bath that'd rub her skin raw. But when she got down to doing it, she just didn't have the energy. As if to test this theory, she lifted her hand up, limply holding it in front of her. It looked the same as it had yesterday, only more prune-y because she'd been in the water so long. She shuddered, tears rolling coldly down her warm cheek. Closing her eyes, she let her hand fall slowly back into the water. Water that would never, ever cleanse the taint from her skin and it certainly wouldn't absolve her of her sins. It wouldn't grant her new power and it couldn't repair her fractured purity. The water could get at the surface of things. It could wipe away the grime on the outside, but everything underneath remained the same.

"Can't clean wounds it can't touch," she murmured, her voice echoing bleakly around the dull and sterile walls of her family bathroom.

Her mother had called her about a half hour ago, worried. Who wouldn't be? Considering the way she'd come home. Stumbling out of the well house, disheveled and hysterical, she'd nearly knocked her mother over when she laid eyes on her. She'd cried then, hot, wet, desperate tears. She'd wept so hard that she couldn't even articulate what had happened to put her in such a state. Her mother, ever kind and understanding, didn't press. She let her cry, all the while silently comforting her anguished daughter.

The only thing her mother had insisted upon was this warm bath, telling her that it'd make her feel better. She'd once joked that she could come in with a sucking chest wound and her mother's answer to her problem would be to take a bath because it'd make her feel better. She certainly didn't have a sucking chest wound, but she did feel a void in her chest area...around the place where her heart might be if it hadn't been ripped out, still beating. Forty minutes ago, Kagome had put little stock in the whole taking a bath, feeling better theory. But her mother proved her wrong. The bath did make her feel better. Physically anyway. Maybe even a little better mentally too.

She didn't feel the overwhelming need to jump off a bridge anymore. My, but that was progress! Now, everything was numb. And numb was better than raw and bleeding. Thinking about it, she guessed maybe numb wasn't better. She wasn't bleeding outside; this lack of feeling was an internal wound. Just as dangerous as an external one, if not more, because when you're bleeding on the outside, at least you can see it so you can stop it. Funny, how she didn't really care anymore.

She opened her eyes, tracing the squiggly patterns of wrinkled flesh as she pondered her current situation. Her flesh was clean. Outwardly it was a healthy, clear pink, flushed from the heat. Clean. They'd cleaned her up before they sent her off, thank the gods. Her mother would never let her return if she'd seen how she looked after...

Another shudder.

She had woken twenty minutes after they'd found her in Miroku's arms. They'd made it back to the village and it had been a short jaunt to Kaede's hut. The elderly priestess had taken care of her. Given her a quick sponge bath and provided her with a change of clothes. Kagome had almost laughed bitterly as she put on the garb of a priestess. The garb of purity. And she couldn't help but think that now she really was like Kikyo, a walking, talking advertisement for irony.

She'd expected them to ask her all sorts of questions and was unnerved when they didn't. Kagome knew then...she knew that they knew or at least, they'd guessed. Her cheeks flamed just thinking about it and tears were so close. But she kept it in. She was stronger than that. Or so she thought. One look of pure sympathy from Kaede later and she was sobbing like a little girl.

She didn't really have to use words to tell them what had happened, it seemed. Her reaction was enough. It was their reaction that surprised her. She had expected to be shamed, shunned. Expelled from whatever comfort her friends would or could provide. It was, after all, the way things worked back then. Or so she thought...again.

But...they were her friends and she should have thought better of them.

She made a mental note to herself to not assume anything about anybody from now on.

Kaede had said it while stroking her hair.

"It wasn't your fault..."

Sango said it with a simple look and a hand on her shoulder.

Miroku had said it on the way back to the well.

Shippou said it just by being Shippou. He hadn't even realized what had happened. He'd just jumped on her shoulder, told her everything was going to be okay and then he hugged like only a child could.

Kagome's throat tightened uncomfortably, and she hung her head, sobbing so hard that she couldn't even make any sound.

They accepted her. They accepted what had happened and realized it wasn't her fault and it made the guilt she felt so much worse.

How couldn't it be her fault?

It was.

It wasn't.

Even with all their acceptance, there were layers of pretense behind their eyes. Looks of pity, of smothering sympathy that made her want to gag. They looked at her like she was going to burst into flames right then and there. Accepting, yes they were accepting. Accommodating. Everything fine friends should be but they hid the truth from her. They were still hiding it. Even if it wouldn't have prevented what happened, they had failed to tell her something so important. They had withheld her right to choose, her right to know and it made her so damn angry. Her tears became hot and raw now. Burning like acid as they trundled down her cheeks. Even now they wouldn't tell her...even if she asked. If she begged and pleaded they wouldn't be able to tell her. They'd just give her that stupid look of guilt ridden sympathy and turn away.

The vast difference in the way things were handled between eras was never so evident as now.

Despite the embarrassing subject, if she knew something like this, she'd tell. But in the feudal era, it was considered gauche to speak of such things, especially in mixed company. Sango or Kaede could have taken her aside, but they hadn't and the only thing she could think about...the question that was centered in her mind was...why?

Why?

It was heartbreaking, rending and tearing every bit emotion from her, like flesh being suctioned through a straw.

"Why?" she asked the walls of the bathroom, her voice so pain ridden and constricted she didn't even recognize it as her own.

And right then, she wanted to do something so drastic that it made her mind reel in pain. But she didn't. She sat there languishing in the bath. Slipping under the water, eyes opening to gaze at the now wavy ceiling tiles...this time there was a reason they were so different. She exhaled and watched the bubbles of air float towards the wavering sky. Kagome wondered if she was still crying when she was underwater. The thought slipped away as she sat up, now prune-ified hands grasping the side of the tub. She rested her head on the cool tile and for a moment she reflected on how fast things could change.

One moment, everything was fine and dandy. She'd gone about her hum-drum life without a care or a worry. The next moment she was here, weeping in her bathroom like the world was going to end next Tuesday and there was nothing she could do about it. She looked at her hands and rubbed the tips of her fingers together to try and get rid of the wrinkles.

She grunted softly, "Aw, didn't work..."

What was she going to do?

They had said it wasn't her fault.

Wasn't. Her. fault.

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't. Didn't change much of anything.

She wished they'd talk about it. She wished they'd asked questions, so that she could have answers. Instead, she was left with all the questions and no answers, and a boatload of guilt. It was so easy to blame them. Why hadn't they told her? Why? So easy to point that question at them and wait for an answer. But it wasn't that simple. They didn't know. They didn't know this would happen and they hadn't wanted to worry her. If it wasn't her or them or Sesshoumaru or some surreal combination of all three, then where did that leave her? Answer? In the bathtub, crying, and wondering what the point of all this was anyway. The point? The point. At this point it was just a bunch of finger pointing and recrimination, which was hardly useful. This didn't stop her mind from spinning it 'round and round in a useless, never-ending circle.

She tried to blame him. Then she tried blaming them. Then it came back to herself. But when she really gave it some thought, it really all came down to one person.

Naraku.

Miroku had intimated that whatever had happened between Sesshoumaru and herself had been Naraku's goal. Or at least that's what she thought he'd meant. It was hard to tell when everyone was being so damnably vague.

"It wasn't your fault, Kagome-sama." He'd said, his deep eyes vacant with concern. Boring into her with the desire to ask her what happened, compelling her spill the beans while simultaneously allowing her the luxury of keeping it to herself. She did keep it to herself and he spoke again, more quietly, "I'm sorry. You've suffered for our ignorance. It seems Naraku has played a most vicious game and though he has won this battle...he will not win the war."

Whatever the hell that meant.

So, she was just another pawn on Naraku's giant chessboard of doom and she lost. Her piece unceremoniously flicked off the table. They hadn't said it, but it was implied Inuyasha would never find out. Because they all knew what would happen if he did. She could remember the whispered words she'd barely heard in-between consciousness and unconsciousness while in Miroku's arms as they walked away from the place of her degradation. It all ends...

Sometimes the sharpest weapons aren't the ones that kill you. What she'd done would be like Kikyo's betrayal all over again. Only ten times worse. This would be like that arrow to his heart, except he wouldn't really die from it. He'd keep on living, but inside...inside he might as well be dead. What Kikyo had done and planned to do was almost merciful.

Again, there was irony.

Kikyo wanted to drag him to hell, literally. Kagome could bring hell on earth to him with just a few simple words. Sort of like a twisted version of the pen being mightier than the sword. Except it would be the knowledge that Kagome...his Kagome...had slept with his brother. Oh...oh and that's not the best part. She'd enjoyed it. Sure, she wasn't really in control of herself, but still...she liked it. Moaned like whore underneath him, giving the barest amount of struggle one could give without being dead. In the grand scheme of things, dragging him into hell would probably hurt a lot less.

Why didn't she fight harder?

It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have fought it.

And part of her knew that this was the absolute truth, but the other part of her wasn't convinced.

How had this happened?

Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhy?WHY!

And she whispered the word brokenly, slamming a fist on the side of the tub.

"Why..."

Tears dripped emptily from her eyes, and her heart pounded so hard she swore she could hear it. She could feel it break apart and fall into her stomach, where the turmoil of war raged. All the guilt and the shame of her humiliation burned, acid churning inside her, becoming apart of her. And she could only wish it'd burn her away, but it didn't. It allowed her to float, to hover here between real life and love, and dying inside, she wanted to crawl inside herself and never come out.

She wondered, yet again, if this was what going insane felt like.

She was beginning to doubt it...if she were insane, nothing would hurt this much or if it did, she'd be too out of it to even know.

No. This was sanity, she could tell by the clear, unblemished reality of her situation...and it was so painful.

Kagome stared at her hand as it hung over the lip of the tub. Watching a single droplet of water as it trailed over her skin. It beaded first, and then walked down the hills and valleys on the top of her hand, crawling over the mountain that were her knuckles, to twine across a peninsular finger before stopping to hang off her nail like it was a cliff. The droplet hung there for a second or two, wobbling back and forth in indecision. She blinked and shook her hand lightly, her eyes following the droplet as it fell to earth.

And she wondered...was that a tear or just a droplet of water? Was this the beginning or the very messy end? Did it even matter anyway? Had it ever?

It all ends...all of this ends.

So, it would it be victory? What was victory anyway? Everything felt more like defeat. It was all defeat. Ever since she stepped out of the well into the feudal era, it had been a long series of defeats for her, punctuated by small, meaningless victories.

There was no victory here. Nothing but the fight.

And the question was, would she fight? There was nothing to gain. Everything to lose...and she's already lost so much.

To fight or not to fight, that is the question.

Miroku had left her that choice, god bless him. He had told her there was no shame if she wanted to stay in her era. They could think of an adequate excuse to tell Inuyasha and everyone would back her up. They'd lie for her.

"Believe the lie, Kagome," the darkest part of her whispered. "Believe it and let go."

She could stay here. Catch up on all those classes she was missing. Because of her time traveling, she hadn't been able to get into a university right away. Her scores were too bad. She was a ronin. A student without a teacher, forced to attend cram school in order to prepare her for her next attempt at failing a university entrance exam. She'd already failed twice. Third time was a charm. Especially if she gave up the feudal era and stayed here. It was so tempting at this point.

Sorely tempting.

There was one small thing that kept her from doing it.

Her eyes hardened and despite the tears, she looked as immoveable as a mountain. She was finished with lies...or as finished with them as she could be, considering the circumstances. Kagome stood up and got out of the bathtub, splashing water all over with the speed of her exit. Almost angrily, she wrapped her hair in a towel, fitfully tying her robe with the same furious motion.

She stormed out of the bathroom, her footfalls heavy and resolute.

No, it wasn't a small thing. It was a huge, monstrous thing that loomed and nearly overwhelmed her. It made her sick to her stomach and so angry that if she had the ability, she'd burn the world with it. If she'd wanted Naraku dead before, and he hadn't even lifted a finger against her then, she wanted him more than just dead now. He was going to be a greasy streak underneath her feet. She'd condemn him to a hell that was so terrible...it'd be really, really...bad...and scary and stuff.

Sesshoumaru didn't matter.

What they'd done didn't matter anymore.

What Naraku had done to them, did. It mattered a whole helluva lot.

Higurashi Kagome wasn't a china doll. No, she wasn't so breakable or delicate. A bit naive, yes, but not delicate. A poet once said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Never were there truer words written and she humbly thanked the author for penning such genius. Kagome had been dealt ultimate disrespect, to take her virginity like that to use it to wound another. She wouldn't be anyone's pawn, no, she wasn't worth so little. Did he expect her to crawl away and die? Did he think he could just get away with this? She wasn't like other girls. She wouldn't curl up into the fetal position and just take it. Cry herself away until there was nothing but tears and broken dreams. No, she'd make him pay. By god, she'd make him burn for what he'd done.

But first, she had to know what the hell it was he HAD done.

Furiously drying her hair, her eyes stared out blankly, seeing nothing as thoughts flitted through her mind like mirror bright reflections on a darkened wall. Everything came to a pinpoint and something in her stirred. Eyes narrowed, she examined the thoughts and feelings flitting through her, grasping onto them as she would a tangled cobweb. Sticky and uncomfortable, she shook her hand and wiped the thoughts away, dully registering their meaning.

She didn't know what had been done to her. Simple human magic, like what Miroku used, was beyond her and she knew next to nothing about youkai magic. How would she even begin to look for something when she didn't even know what it was she was looking for?

And if she found what she was looking for, what then?

What if she wouldn't like what she found? She shook her head, glassy eyes benumbed of emotion hidden so cleverly by the depth of her sorrow. It didn't matter. There was no doubt in her mind that she wouldn't like what she'd find. It was a guarantee. But better to know, than to remain ignorant.

Shivering, she clutched the towel to her, fingers worrying the worn edges of the fabric. Another worry. Would she even be able to fight? She was no longer innocent. Being that her powers stemmed from this innocence, she worried that because she was no longer a virgin...no longer virginal...that maybe she wouldn't be able to use her powers anymore. She shook her head again. No...she didn't think so.

She could still feel the jewel shards that lay in their bottle, shining on the table not three feet from her. If she could still sense them, then she was sure, though not a hundred percent, that she still possessed the ability to purify. Yet there still was worry. Three separate times her power had failed to manifest while in Sesshoumaru's presence. This was what continued to poke the back of her mind and it was relentless. She didn't know what it meant.

Did it signal the weakening and eventual disappearance of her power?

Or was it something else?

Yes, it had to be something else, because it had affected him too. Twice.

Rocking on her feet, she bit the edge of the towel, her mind working with unusual ferocity. Twice he'd failed to kill her. Not just failed to kill her, she'd seen him attempt to use his poison against her and twice he'd failed to. She'd seen it sputter and fade out, just like when she'd tried to purify him. It was almost as if their individual powers were failing them on purpose to keep them from killing each other.

And again, she had to wonder what the hell kind of curse this was anyway?

She just didn't understand.

Letting out an impatiently whiny grunt that was just on the edge of a sob, she finished drying her hair and eyed her computer. The towel slipped from nerveless fingers as an idea formed. Hurriedly, she dressed herself, her eyes trained on the computer as if it was the focus of all hope.

She had two days. That's what Miroku had said. He'd wanted her to give them time to think up an excuse, because Inuyasha would be coming home on the third. So, she'd have to return before sunset on the second day and if she didn't they'd know she wasn't coming...and so...she had two days. Two days to find out what all of this meant. She turned and approached her computer slowly, as if possessed. Running her hands through the untamed forest that was her hair, she sat down and stared at the empty screen.

Would it even be worth the effort to look? Finding something of value on the internet was like looking through an antique store. Sure, sometimes you might find just what you need, but more often than not you ended up sifting through mounds of crap for hours only to come out empty-handed. She chewed her lip nervously, and with a sigh, she pushed the 'on' button.

The next few hours were spent on the computer. Afternoon turned to night, night turned to day and she was still looking. Her fingers flitting over the keyboard like the flickering wings of a humming bird. She had missed dinner the night before and breakfast that morning. The search had consumed her. Having missed an entire night's sleep, she was amazed that she was still awake as her eyes restlessly devoured the information on the screen. She needed that information like she needed air to breathe. Her lack of sleep seemed trivial in comparison.

Kagome knew how to study and study well, and before she'd fallen into that well, she'd been a straight-A student. And getting those grades had been anything but easy. She'd worked her ass off studying longer and with more determination than anyone she knew. In that time, there had been more than one long, sleepless night, where all she did was bury herself in a mountain of books. This time was no different and all her concentration had become focused on this one task. She would find out what was done to her. She'd find out or die trying.

As afternoon came, her mother had begun to worry about her. Skipping meals and in general not coming out of her room for over twelve hours was bound to worry any mother worth their salt. She'd sent Souta up with a sandwich and a glass of milk. Kagome ate it, if only to soothe her mother's concern. Also, Souta refused to leave unless she did and getting him out of her room without the possibility of violence and rude language was her number one priority. Her brother had a way of working himself underneath her skin, irritating her in a way only a younger brother could. And she really, really didn't need his kind of irritation right now.

Of course, this all depended on Souta's ability to follow the little brother's directive of not spending a lot of time in his sister's room. Unless, of course, staying in her room would irritate her. It was all delicately balanced...and she had to handle it just the right way...if she ignored him and pretended to be normal...

Unfortunately for her, Souta was very observant for a twelve year old kid and he knew something was wrong with his sister. More wrong than usual. He asked and Kagome couldn't find her voice. All she could think was that there was no way she'd get him out of her room now. There was a long and uncomfortable pause, where Kagome felt herself nearly breaking down. She could feel the tears at the edges of her eyes and she could see how her hands shook. And she knew her brother could see it too. She turned away and took a deep, calming breath before she'd told him nothing was wrong.

It was a lie and he knew it, and she knew he knew it. She should have known better than to lie to her brother. Of all the people in her life, he was the one who always saw the tears through her smiles. He also knew better than to try and force the information from her. Instead, he changed the subject.

"Whatcha doing?"

Her breathing hitched sharply and her eyes widened. Grimacing inwardly, she stared at the screen that she'd last rested on. It was an online archive for sacred texts and she'd been examining the pages dedicated to tantric magic. Specifically, the page she'd opened was a chapter in the Kama Sutra. As it turned out, Kanya Samprayuktaka was only a part of a ritual, not the ritual itself. In fact, it was pretty much the essential component of lots of tantric rituals, as Kanya Samprayuktaka was nothing more than the Hindu term for the union between a male and a female. This made finding what was done to her really, really difficult. It was used often enough that many confused that concept with the name of the ritual, a common misconception when dealing with foreign traditions...but that was besides the point. She was on a page about the Kama Sutra, reading about rituals with helpful illustrations of people in nothing but their birthday suits, doing things that didn't look to be physically possible to accomplish. And...her little brother was in the room.

Flushing darkly, she tried to sound casual as she answered, "Just some research on a spell..."

And in her head, she prayed that it sounded boring enough for him to not be interested.

"Huh," he said, not sounding disinterested at all as he looked over her shoulder, "What kind of spell?"

"DON'T LOOK!" She shouted, her voice cracking in her panic to cover up the screen with her hands.

And the minute she did that she realized her mistake. Now he really WAS interested and it'd take nothing short of a biblical flood to remove him from her room.

"Why?"

She blushed even darker than she had before, sputtering, "B-because..it's p-private and none of your b-buh-business!"

He gave her a wry and knowing look, nodding his head as if he had the secret of life itself. The kind of look one sibling gave to another when they knew they had the advantage.

He smirked then and crossed his arms, "Yeeeeeeeeeeeah right. I bet it's private. You're just looking up more of those dirty stories you read all the time."

"What! Dirty...how did you?" She said, her mouth gaping with each word, "Were you on my computer again?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"SO WHAT! I told you to stay off..." she shouted, trying to summon real anger at her brother's laughing face, "And...they were NOT dirty stories, they were legitimate works of fiction!"

He scoffed, and narrowed his eyes jovially at her, glad to provoke an emotion in her that didn't involve crying, "No, they weren't. It was fan fiction. I read the pages you had bookmarked. It was sick. Aeris and Sephiroth together? That's just wrong."

Forgetting her original purpose in favor of arguing with her brother, she shot back defensively, "Shut up!" She paused and glowered dangerously at her brother, who could barely contain his amusement with her, "There were circumstances...and again, not your business. You shouldn't be snooping around on my computer in the first place..."

"Yeah, whatever. You're just trying to justify your sick fetish. He KILLED her for god's sake...KILLED...HER..."

"Hey, mister, no one asked you to go reading the stuff on my computer...and for the third time...NOT YOUR BUSINESS. And also..." He began to laugh at her then, which only increased her frustration with him. "Shut up!" She stuttered, feeling more than just a little bit flustered, "GOD! I have better things to do than--"

"Than what, reading your porn?"

Furious, she took off one of her slippers and threw it at his stupid, fat head. She watched with dirty satisfaction as it hit him right between the eyes.

"SHUT UP! It's not porn! And I'm not reading that stuff anyway!"

"So...what are you reading?" he asked, rubbing his forehead with an affronted look that bordered on comic.

"None of your--"

"Business?" he answered for her, again, "Come oooooooooooon. Just tell me. Unless you're hiding something. You always hide stuff..."

Sighing, Kagome broke down. She wanted to tell him she knew. She wanted to say that it was for his own good. But it sounded so hollow and she wanted just one person in whom she could confide. Just one person she didn't have to lie outrageously to. Just one person she could be even somewhat honest with.

Souta had always taken care of her and she'd always taken care of him. When she was too scatterbrained, he'd be the organized one who knew just what it was she'd forgotten. When he was too afraid and timid, she was the one to be brave and help him face his fears. It'd always been that way ever since their father had died. It was something of a family trait, when the chips were down and the world was against you, they stuck together. Souta had been there for everything, just as Mama and Grandpa had been but her bond with her brother was stronger. She didn't know why, but it just was. Souta had been there for her more times than she could count and no matter how annoying he could be, he was often the only one she could turn to.

Biting her lip, she looked at her brother with worn seriousness, "Promise me you won't tell a soul."

"Why?"

"Because...Just promise, okay! You can' tell Mom or Grandpa...Inuyasha..." She said, pausing on Inuyasha's name hesitantly, "No one."

"Sure," he replied, a bit more flippantly than she'd like.

"I mean it, Souta. You can't tell anyone or so help me god..."

"I said yes!"

"I'm serious...you promise..."

"Yeah! I promise already...word of honor and all that other stuff, I won't tell anyone. GOD!"

Kagome sighed, looking at her brother's confused face with confusion of her own. She wasn't sure how it had all gotten to this point, but now that it was here...

"There's this curse...that was sort of cast on me..."

"And you're looking it up to find the counter-curse, right?"

"Yeah, something like that."

With an even deeper sigh, she told him as much as she knew which was so little at this point. She omitted some of the truth. There were some things you just didn't discuss with your younger brother. Sex was one of those things. She told him as much as she was comfortable with. She told him about Sesshoumaru, about Rin's death, and that in all likelihood they were but pawns in a game no one, save Naraku, wanted to play.

It was enough to let him get the gist of things, without revealing the awful truth. Even so, her brother was a perceptive child and he felt there was more to it than that. Knowing his older sister well, Souta had no doubt something truly awful had happened. Kagome didn't cry for hours on end like that unless it was the end of the world as she knew it. He was a good brother and he wouldn't pry, but it didn't stop him from worrying about her. She was always pushing herself like this, keeping things bottled up inside until the last moment. The only thing he could do for her was just to be there when she needed him. Anyway, all of this was too big for a twelve year old kid. He'd keep his sister's secret. What else could he do?

After her brother's visit, Kagome continued to search. She worked through dinner and through yet another night and into the morning. After two days with only about three hours sleep between them, Kagome was quite surprised by how not tired she was. It was with sheer amazement that she realized she was awake. There was sort of a vague tingle behind her eyes that let her know the levels of sheer exhaustion she was soon to feel, but she ignored it for now. Not sleeping was worth it, when she considered the information she dug up. She knew what the foreign sounding word meant. She knew it was part and parcel of most tantric rites and rituals. It wasn't much, but it was just enough and if she was persistent enough, she knew she could find more...if given some extra time.

But time was a luxury she didn't have.

Looking at the clock on her desk, she saw the time and almost fell off her chair. The little red digital numbers read a quarter to five. She had to go...now. Panicked, she ran all over her room, gathering supplies for her return to the feudal era. At some point her brother came in, and instead of delivering the message he was sent up for, he watched his sister run around her room like a chicken with her head cut off.

As she brushed past, he asked casually, "So, I guess this means you're not staying for dinner?"

"No," She answered breathlessly, taking two steps at a time.

He followed her down as she ran for the front door, not noticing the questioning looks given from her mother and grandfather as they came out from the living room to see what all the ruckus was.

"You're going back?" Her mother asked quietly.

Kagome froze, before answering very softly, "Yes."

"Well, be careful then," her mother said airily, smiling softly as she turned around and left, dragging her grandfather behind her.

This left Souta and Kagome alone. Brother and sister regarded each other with shared resolution. His sister was so brave. Little did he know that she believed the same thing about him. There were so many things they wanted to say each other, but the words never came. Instead, they said all they had to say with their eyes. Souta nodded once, his eyes sharp and clear, giving his sister the strength needed to face her fate. She gave him a watery smile, that told him she'd do her best...that at the end of all this, she'd come back whole and stronger than she'd been before.

Just as she was about to leave, he stepped forward. He took another and another, until he was right and front of her. Before she could say a word, he hugged her fiercely and said, "Good luck. Come back soon, okay?"

There was a small, quiet moment, where she realized he was almost as tall as she was. He was growing so fast. Ruffling the hair on the back of his head, she sighed and laughed at the same time.

"I will," She replied as a small, wicked smile appeared, "And keep your hands off my computer or else."

Pulling away with awkward chagrin, he hesitantly smiled back, "Or else what?"

"I'll tie sausage to your toes when you sleep and lock Buyo in your room."

He laughed and then paused when he saw the look on her face. She was serious.

"You wouldn't," he said, not sounding sure of himself at all.

"Wanna bet?"

He shivered, and quickly changed the subject, "Yeah...so good luck..."

The gleam in her eyes dimmed, going from playfully threatening to genuinely sad. She'd miss her little brother. Then and there, she knew she needed an end to all of this. The feudal era was no longer an escape; it had become what she wanted to escape from. She wanted to thank him, but her throat had tightened so much that not even a breath could escape it. Instead, she just nodded and tried not to cry. He nodded back and watched her disappear out the door, helpless to stop her.

She almost didn't hear his last, whispered words.

"Love you, sis..."


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Author's note--The argument Souta and Kagome have about fanfiction pairings and fanfic in general is an homage to an actual discussion my husband and I had. A little wink and a nod to my homie. Even though we disagree, I loves you lots.