Thawing Her Heart

Disclaimer: I dooooooooooo not own Inuyasha! (fooled you -_* ) I also do not own the song Scars, it belongs to the band Papa Roach and all their yumminess! I just borrowed it for mood.


Chapter 11 Overcoming Emotion

Two weeks had passed since that night and Kagome still couldn’t get that voice out of her head. This morning she had awoke from a nightmare in a cold sweat, try as she may she could not recall what had her breathing as if she had raced for miles in her sleep. Looking out her the curtains that covered her view she noticed it was not quite dawn yet. Sighing she flipped the coverlet back and got to her feet. She walked through the adjoining rooms and out to the baths. After a quick soak in the springs she made her way back inside. Pulling out a pair of black hip hugger jeans she buckled the thick leather belt around her waist pulling on a plain black spaghetti strap tank she made her way to her armoire. Opening the cherry wood cabinet she extracted the pair of katanas she had been given at the beginning of her training she felt the same pull towards them as she had then.


~FLASHBACK~


Sesshomaru led her to the large training dojo he had designed for himself. It was really more the size of a small house in her era, bare except for one wall lined with weapons. “Choose which weapon you would wield miko.” Walking towards the line of katanas, spears, Sais, and battle-axes she glanced over them trying to choose the right one. Stopping she began to feel rather than look and in doing so noticed a pair of elegant katanas resting in the corner. Deciding for a closer inspection she walked closer towards them, the closer she got the stronger the pull. When she had reached her hand out to grab the hilt of one again the voice inside her head spoke. Yes! Take it, feel it pulse in your hand. Imagine the blood running down to the hilt as you slice your enemy in two! Stepping back now grasping both swords in her hands she studied them closer. Red sheaths encased what she sensed to be deadly blades, the hilts however were a snow white engraved with what she remembered Sesshomaru transforming into in his fathers tomb. Gripping them just felt right, and when she turned she found his gaze narrowing at her choice. “It will be hard enough to learn to hold one girl, yet you would try to wield two?” Nodding as she gripped the hilts harder he was studying her eyes intently. When he saw the flicker of blood lust in their depths he masked his shock. “ Very well lets get you started with the basics so I may continue my own practice.” He had then taken her through a series of parries and thrusts until she could do it on her own, once satisfied she remembered what he had shown her he turned and went to his own corner to embark on his own more grueling routine. When she had finished her assigned time to practice she sat down to watch as he finished up. Watching the grace with which he moved her eyes drank in every quick movement of his sword that she could. When he had finished he turned to where he had sensed her surprised to find her already walking away.


~END FLASHBACK~


After securing her weapons she grabbed her Walkman and her CD case and made her way to his courtyard. Walking down the steps with purpose she was to engrossed on where she was headed that she never noticed two separate pairs of eyes watching her every move from different rooms in the fortress.


Stepping into the clearing she pulled her headphones on. Connecting the disc man to her belt loop she slapped in her newest CD. It was a new favorite, she had found it by chance and it seemed to fit her heart more now than ever. Pushing play she pulled the katanas out and went through her series of thrusts and parries that she had learned from watching Sesshomaru. She let the song wash over her and fuel her on…
I tear my heart open,
I sew myself shut…
My weakness is,
That I care too much.
My scars remind me,
That the past is real.
I tear my heart open just to feel.

I’m drunk and I’m feelin’ down,
And I just wanna be alone.
I’m pissed cuz you came around,
Why don’t you just go home?
Cuz I’ve channeled all your pain,
And I can’t help you fix yourself.
Your making me insane, All I can say is…

A wash in the pain of memories she never felt the silent tears coursing down her flushed cheeks. She didn’t know the mixture of beauty, strength, and vulnerability that she presented in that moment. As she finished her morning ritual she let the last of the song reach her heart…
I can’t help you fix yourself,
But at least I can say I tried.
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my OWN life!
No I can’t help you fix yourself,
But at least I can say I tried!
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my OWN LIFE!

Finally feeling the pull of strain in her arms she dropped the katanas to her sides. Gripping the hilts she lifted her overheated face the breeze as the tears continued. Dropping to her knees she let out a scream that wouldn’t come.


Icy blue eyes watched the scene play out. /By Kami! She was exquisite even in her pain! / He decided then and there he would know everything about her, moving to his door Lord Kotaru yanked it open and made his way to where he had seen her fall to her knees. His heart racing he took stairs three at a time in his haste to reach her side. Stopping just inside the door leading to her he composed himself and then walked out side.


Re-sheathing the katanas Kagome wiped the tears from her face and stood. Stopping the player she pulled the headphones from her ears. Taking deep calming breaths she looked up and found herself staring into the clearest blue eyes she had ever seen. Kotaru watched as her dark brown orbs widened in surprise and she took a step back. Then once again as if a trapdoor shut the ice was back in place. Smiling to show her he was no threat he politely offered her his arm. “ Would you care to walk with me for a moment miko?” She didn’t move for a moment and he was almost afraid she would simply ignore him and walk away. He was delighted when she spoke, “ I will walk with you but I can do so with out assistance thank you. My name is Kagome, Higurashi Kagome.” Her voice was as controlled as it was the first night he had seen her in his lord’s hall. Like then it still didn’t quite mask all the pain, however it remained clear and musical to him. He continued to smile at her as they started towards the gardens.

“ My name is Lord Kotaru, holder of the lands to the south, but you my enchanting one may call me Kotaru.” When she didn’t blush, as most women were wont to do in his presence he was intrigued even more. He talked about the weather and how it would probably rain come evening, he talked about his silly cousin’s antics in trying to scare the cook at home into thinking he was a specter sent to haunt her, then he talked about nothing in general just trying to see her loosen up. She didn’t even crack a smile just continued to walk quietly beside him nodding her head every now and then to show she still listened. He let his gaze sweep over her once more taking note of the strange clothing she was garbed in, it fit her like a second skin and it aroused him to no end.


Where was she from that they let their women walk around displaying their charms so blatantly? If he could not sense better he would think her a whore, but no she was pure. So what was it that made her silently scream out in pain? Or rather who? Just then she turned to him, “ I am thankful for the walk my lord but I must be off as my charges will be waking soon and I must attend them.” With a slight bow she turned to go, grabbing her wrist to stay her flight he waited until she faced him once more. “ My fair Kagome I would like to know you better, will you meet me here this evening? I promise you will be safe I just like walking with you.” Looking into her eyes all he could think was that he could drown in the depths of those brown oceans and was startled when she answered him. “ I am sorry my lord but I am unable to do so. I am here to teach and to learn nothing more.” With that she quickly walked away leaving him to ponder how he could get her alone once more.


Watching from his study Lord Sesshomaru was not pleased to see Lord Kotaru grab her wrist. Golden eyes peered icily at the lord for a moment while he stopped to consider why he didn’t. She was here for Rin no one else that was all. There was no more to it than that. He had watched as the one known, as “The Charmer” was not able to coax even a slight smile from the girl. He would need to put an end to her roaming he decided, yes that was it. It was her fault that she attracted attention and he would not have rumors in his domain. With that thought putting his mind at ease he turned once more to the task of sorting through missives sent to him by surrounding lords asking for aid.


Naraku glided through the forest towards his destination. A slight smile graced his lips when he saw Kikyo waiting for him once again. “ How is your plan coming along Kikyo?” Pulling up short a few feet away from her he waited for her answer. “ It is coming along nicely, I have already split their group up and all it took was a slight suggestion in my ‘loves’ ear.” He simply nodded his head and turned away. “Wait where are you going? I thought for sure you would like to sample my charms once again Naraku?” He let his evil grin appear as he turned back to her, “ ahh, but then Inuyasha would know of your treachery would he not? Besides suddenly I have found distaste for you. I am thinking a certain reincarnation is actually the real treat!” He saw the unbridled rage cross her face and noticed how ugly it really made her. “ Again that bitch comes before me! Why? What does she hold for you men to desire her so?” Naraku just laughed. “ That is easy my dear Kikyo, while everyone seems to think she is your reincarnation she is so much more than that. She may harbor the other half to your soul but she also harbors another’s!” With that final puzzling statement he was gone. Kikyo frowned at what was just revealed to her. What did he mean the girl had another soul? Turning to the west she pondered this as she made her way to meet with Inuyasha. She would try to get him to divulge some more information about this girl. If he were still reluctant like he had been in the past well then she would just have to convince him with her charms.


Damn his brother! He would not let him have Kagome! She was his, he would find a way to take her back and see that! Bounding through the trees he made his way to the one who would soothe his pride and advise him when he needed it the most. Never looking back to see the saimyousho following him along his path.

Kagome looked to where Sesshomaru was once again seated behind his desk. She seemed to find herself summoned here more often. Looking around again at the numerous texts that graced his walls she began perusing random titles until a feeling of being observed made her shiver. Noticing her reaction to his stare Sesshomaru watched her head turn. Icy gold met icy brown in a clash of wills before she lowered her head. Wait she had conceded to him? Where was the fire that had been there when he had first brought her here? Mentally shoving the questions aside he spoke the reason he had summoned her.


“Miko I have noticed you wandering my gardens in your ‘unusual’ garb. I find this most displeasing, while I can smell the proof of your innocence I would not have rumors circulating in my court that I can not control a mere ningen.” Her head snapped up and he saw a flare of indignation but just as suddenly it was gone behind the ice again. / Do you dare to question him? Oh please you know you are exactly what he is accusing you of! You actually wanted that gorgeous lord to throw you down and use you! That’s all you are good for, to be used and discarded! Do not forget your weakness. Others already see it! / Kagome gave in to the voice and simply answered him meekly. “ Yes my lord.” Sesshomaru could not believe his hearing, she had actually agreed with him. What is troubling this girl? Why such a drastic change in her personality? He chose not to dwell on these thoughts dismissing her. He watched her walk out, turning back to the treaty in his hand he found himself still pondering the girls’ sudden meekness towards him. He still did not sense her fear but he could catch the faint smell of despair surrounding her. Had his brother really broken this young spitfire? The question that plagued him the most as uncomfortable as it made him was; could her heart be repaired?

After finishing the children’s final lesson for the day Kagome ushered them towards the dining hall. Once there she placed Rin to her right and Shippo to her left. She wished her friends were here, this room felt so empty with just them and two others dining. She had guessed that Sesshomaru was taking his dinner in his study since he did not appear when it was served. She felt someone’s gaze upon her and glanced up to see the lord she had strolled with this morning. What was his name? Oh yes Kotaru, kami why was he staring at her so intently. Frowning she brought her attention back to the children. Shippo had said something to her. “ I’m sorry Shippo what did you say?” Shaking his head at her he repeated his question. “ Kagome what are we going to do when you are finished with your training?” Sighing she tried to think of a way to avoid the subject. “ Shippo I am tired can we discuss this another time?” Giving him a cheery smile that didn’t reach her eyes she watched as his tiny shoulders sagged. “ Alright but you know we are going to have to some time. You don’t have to try to fool me with smiles, I may be young but I know enough to see the pain in your eyes.” Hissing sharply Kagome realized what she hadn’t wanted to before. Shippo was growing up. He was so much more intuitive and mature now. She couldn’t stop the tears that formed for him as she remembered how hard his life had been the past three years. Losing his parents was hard enough but then being thrust into danger every time they entered a battle had taken its toll on him and she could see it. Blinking back the wetness she decided that she would ask Sesshomaru to take him in when she left to kill Naraku. He needed someone strong enough to protect him and guide him, kami knew that wasn’t her.

Silently watching the exchange between the kitsune and Kagome, Kotaru watched the tears in her eyes. She loved the little fox kit like he was her own. He also noted how kind she was with Lord Sesshomaru’s ward as well. His heart swelling with lust and another faint emotion he couldn’t put his finger on he knew he had made the right choice in this one. She was going to be his mate and bare him strong children in the future. Still watching her as she hurried the children through dinner he watched her stand and guide them to the door. Once they were through it he waited a minute before getting up to follow.


Kagome was surprised to see Jaken waiting for them at the end of the hall. “ Lord Sesshomaru has bid me put the children to bed. He releases you for the remainder of the evening to do as you will.” Motioning for Rin and Shippo to follow he turned with them up the stairs to their chambers. Suddenly devoid of anything to do Kagome made her way to the gardens. Strolling silently along she noticed a small bench set back a ways. Walking to where it stood she noticed that it seemed to be secluded in it’s spot among the trees. Sitting down she peered at the stars in the sky and then closed her eyes to smell the sakura blossoms surrounding her.


Kotaru saw his chance, she was sitting far back enough in the trees no one would interrupt them. His eyes drank in her slim form dressed in a dark green kimono; her obi was of a pale spring green fading to white at the bottom. Her sash was also white matching the slippers upon her dainty feet. Making his way to her he stopped just in front of her waiting. He waited for her to sense his presence. He did not wish to scare off his prey. Slowly her deep brown orbs opened to fall upon his figure. Silently she admitted to herself that this demon lord was indeed attractive, she let her gaze drink in the strongly muscled form before her. He was almost as tall as Sesshomaru and his golden skin seemed to glitter in the moonlight. His hair though blue was silky looking in texture, but his best attributes were his ice blue eyes. While they were warm and friendly she sensed they hid something, shaking these thoughts she politely greeted him. “ Lord Kotaru how are you this evening?” He smiled at her moving a bit closer. “ I find I am better now that I have witnessed your beauty in the moonlight as well as the sunlight.” Surprised he saw a slight flush to her face. Ahhh so that had done it, he would have to remember those words. “ Please my lord you embarrass me with your false flattery.” Ducking her head she broke their gaze. “ Ah but I do not lie my dear, and please just Kotaru. All that my lord stuff makes me feel older than my 300 years. Do you mind if I join you?” Kagome’s mind reeled as she digested this bit of information, 300 years old? That is young? To befuddled to say anything she simply nodded. Sitting next to her he felt his thigh touch hers and a shot of lust engulfed him. By kami did she know how entrancing she looked? Meeting her gaze he asked a question that had been plaguing him since he had first laid eyes upon her.


“ What has made one as beautiful as you shut off your heart?” He heard her gasp as he asked this. She simply said nothing and he waited, suddenly he smelled the salt of her tears. Why am I crying? I can’t cry in front of him! Standing she made to bolt back to the hall when she found her hand caught in his as he pulled her back to sit in his lap. Wrapping his arms around her he softly whispered in her ear. “It is ok Kagome, you may cry on me. So much pain is not meant to be held in. Release it before it destroys you.” She suddenly collapsed in his embrace as the violent sobs wracked her small form. They stayed like this for a while when finally he felt her tears start to subside. One hand rubbed the small of her back as he brought the other to grasp her chin. Using a light pressure he brought her eyes to his once more. Staring into her pain filled gaze he felt anger towards the one who had caused this, he knew that if the offending one were in front of him at this moment he would strike them dead. Inching his face to hers he saw her eyes widen, he brought out his tongue to gently lick the salty tears from her cheeks. He felt her pull in her breath and hold it as her heart rate doubled. When her cheeks were clean of wetness he brought his lips to hers. Softly at first he pressed, then running his tongue lightly along her bottom lip. When she gasped in air through her mouth he took advantage of its openness by thrusting his tongue in. She tasted of honey and freshness; he felt his lust rising to the surface once again as he plundered the treasure of her lips. Bringing his hand from the small of her back to the nape of her neck he pushed further into the kiss. Kagome was in shock! Her first kiss, and while he was gentle and it did excite her he had taken it without asking. Feeling anger and even a bit of fear she broke free from his kiss and struggled for air. He smelled her slight arousal and it only fueled his own. Tamping down his lust he loosened his grip on her looking once more into her eyes. He was not prepared for what happened next. He had expected her gaze to be soft instead he got anger and even a hint of fear. She brought her hands to her now swollen and bruised lips. Suddenly she leapt from his arms and ran back to the hall before he could stop her. Oh she was going to lead him on a merry chase he thought. Chuckling a little to himself he made to make his own way back when a chilly voice stopped him in his tracks.


“ Might I ask why you think you may take such liberties under my roof Kotaru?” Turning he met Lord Sesshomaru’s gold eyes and was surprised to see the flash of anger in them. “ My Lord I am simply trying to woo my future mate, I meant no offense.” He watched as the anger turned to rage before settling on icy hardness. He did not flinch under Sesshomaru’s gaze and even found himself feeling anger in return. Silence met him for moment before he knew it Sesshomaru was in front of him in the blink of an eye. “ I will not have rumors in my home Kotaru. As for the miko she is off limits to anyone, do I make my self clear?” Kotaru didn’t even flinch merely turned to walk away when Sesshomaru’s voice reached his ears once again. “ Do not think because of the bond your father and mine shared that you need not fear me. I will not be lenient with you should you break my trust.” Turning back around his own anger boiled to the surface, “ You do not own the girl’s spirit. I meant it when I said I would have her for my mate. I will respect your wishes not to arouse rumors in my attention towards her but I will woo her nonetheless. I am sure you would not wish to wage a war over a girl you have no claim to when we have other matters to attend to my lord.” With that said he disappeared into the hall.


Sesshomaru was seething inside at Kotaru’s effrontery, how dared he threaten this Sesshomaru! His thoughts were in turmoil. Hearing the miko’s sobbing he had come to find her when he had caught the passionate embrace. He had seen red, but when the girl had pulled back and he sensed her fear he had become enraged. This proud girl never showed her fear. Why? Why was he tormented by these feelings? He had schooled himself for so long against them but for some reason only Rin and the miko brought them out. He decided it must simply be lust, he needed to slake his lust and then he would be fine. Once decided on this he made his way to the other side of the hall. That was it he would find Shiori and bed her, once he had he felt sure these feelings toward a ningen miko would disappear.

Kagome made her way back to her rooms, still shocked at what she had allowed to happen. Glancing towards the bed she found Shippo asleep. He must have waited up for her, wondering what he had wanted she gently lifted him from her bed and returned him to Rin’s rooms. Once back in her own she stripped down to her panties and pulled an oversized t-shirt over her head. She needed to sleep; tomorrow would be another taxing day, as her learning sessions under Sesshomaru’s care grew more and more brutal. Blowing out the flame in the lantern she snuggled into her pillow and closed her eyes willing sleep to wash over her.

~~~Kagome’s dream~~~


Sitting up she found herself not in the bed she expected but in a clearing of sorts. Looking around she noticed no path in the surrounding dense tree line. She stood brushing the grass from her kimono…wait kimono? I thought I went to bed in a t-shirt? Hearing a sarcastic laugh she searched for its source. Suddenly where there had been no path before it was if one appeared in the surrounding woods beckoning her to venture down it. Following the sound of laughter she made her way to the end. Looking around she found herself in a secluded springs, steam rose from the water as she tried to place where the laughter was coming from. Hearing a sound behind her she whirled around and came face to face with….herself? “Why are you surprised my dear Kagome? You should know everyone harbors a dark part to their souls even you! Or should I say us?” Smirking at this the other Kagome began to circle her, raising her eyes back to that of her double she saw the hard flint in their depths. “ I see you have let your whorish nature emerge with the young lord pursuing you hmm? I must say I am not surprised at this. Why do you think Inuyasha could not choose us? We could have had him but no you had to rub Kouga in his face every chance you got!” Kagome stumbled backwards at the vehemence in that voice. “Inuyasha chose Kikyo more because he could not bear to lose her again, not because of Kouga. He had nothing to do with it.” Meeting her double’s gaze once more she saw the rage whirling there. “No he did have something to do with it! You did as well my weak side! Always so pure, can’t even consider going all the way with him if he can’t tell you he loves you! Yet you let an absolute stranger steal our first kiss! Well listen here and listen well, you know you are as worthless as what he said. You can’t fight, you can’t love properly, and now you can’t even stand up to yourself! My how the mighty have fallen eh Kagome?” Shaking her head side to side at the words she couldn’t stop the tears that slipped down her cheeks. “No more tears bitch! Ice that is all I will allow you! You are not worthy of anyone’s love! If I were the dominant personality we would’ve had even Sesshomaru eating from the palm of our hand by now! You will learn what you can from Sesshomaru and then prepare to do battle with Naraku. You are correct in assuming we will not survive. I can’t imagine any more years being chained down to a weakling like you.”


~~~~End Kagome’s dream~~~~~

Sitting upright in bed Kagome lifted her hand to her cheek and was not surprised to find the wetness of tears. She was surprised at the numbness that had taken hold of her very soul as she realized while she had indeed been crying there were no emotions behind the tears. Sliding her gaze to the window she found no light in the sky, she could not however go back to sleep. Deciding a nice soak would help to relieve the tension in her muscles she made her way to the hot springs just outside her quarters. She slid off the t-shirt and slid down so that the water met her chin. It took only minutes for the heat to massage away the aches in her body. Why had she had that dream? Was that really a split side to her personality? She knew for sure though that she believed every word she had spoken to herself. She was worthless and she would never compare to Kikyo. She laid her head back against the rocks behind her and let her eyelids close. Never knowing her life was about to take a sudden turn.


Enjoy ^_^