Red Lotus

A/N: You get a heart attack, you get a heart attack, everyone gets a heart attack. An update and it hasn't been a year. I wonder how long I can keep that up, aha. All I know is, I'm on a roll today aha.

Seriously though, thank you guys for the amazing reviews and support. I swear I'm doing my best.

This was not beta. I'm sorry. I barely re-read it... because I work long hours and I'm tired.

Red Lotus

Chapter 10: The Probity

Life's purpose.

How was she to find her purpose. What did she want to do with herself? Who was she going to be?

As Kagome stared at all those pamphlets, she found herself at a loss.

She never really asked herself those questions before.

First, she got sucked into a well and five hundred years into the past. Her main focus was the jewel. She missed most of her class and though she did argue with Inuyasha about coming home to study she did not really care if she passed or not. Her future was not her priority. Then she got cancer and all of the sudden the future did not matter because she would not have one.

Now, now she had one.

What was she supposed to do with it?

At first, she was not going to do anything. She did not want to take classes; she did not even think she had the focus for it. However, the days were long and boring. Sesshomaru was working extra hours at the bank since they were low on staff and that left her alone all day. She did her regular exercises, she tried to draw but really…nothing kept her truly busy. Especially now that she was sleeping more regular hours.

Obviously she was not strong enough to have a job or every day activities.

That was why she chose to take some classes. At home. Over the internet. It was not the same and it was not a very social activity but it was something. She would be learning, she would have homework and it would distract her from her over growing loneliness.

When Sesshomaru was around, she was not lonely…even though they rarely spoke. His presence was enough. When she was by herself in the apartment, it left her alone with her thoughts and she did not like it. Her body was recovering from the cancer…her mind had trouble catching up. Dying took her to a dark place and she did not know how to come back from it. She was weak, she was different…

Some days she tried and she did feel better. Some days she tried to keep Sesshomaru's mentality; living life as a youkai. Some days…the darkness was too strong. She would give up, she would lay around and do nothing because she had no desire to do anything. This was why she had to keep herself busy and school was perfect. It came with classes, studying and homework. Everything she needed to keep her mind occupied. Plus, it would serve her future…

At least it would once she would figure out what her future was going to be.

So many options, so many hurdles…. She did not get good grades therefor…she could not get into many programs. Plus, the amount of programs were limited since all she could take was online classes.

God, maybe this was not worth it.

No, it was a good idea.

Maybe she could put all the pamphlets in a bowl and just pick one. After all, if you considered her lack of desire, her lack of passion, the decision she would make would be just as random.

She decided to let fate pick for her. After all, fate and destiny had pretty much planned out her entire life for her already. This would not make much of a difference. She grabbed all of the pamphlets, closed her eyes and began mixing them around. Then, she laid them flat on the table and ran her fingers across all of them until she thought one felt right. She opened her eyes and read the title; Bachelor in Human Services. Huh. Human services professionals can make a meaningful difference in the lives of individuals and communities facing significant life challenges. This… could fit. Of course, she would have to take a few prerequisite first but… maybe she could give it a shot?

At the same time, she heard the apartment's front door open. She did not need to turn her head to know who it was; Sesshomaru. He would greet her and then probably stay away from her. They did not really used to talk but… now it was different. He was never really around. He made short conversations and kept to himself and did his own things. It was another reason why she felt more lonely than usual. It was not that surprising; she used to be quite the social creature…before everything happened of course.

"How was your day?" he politely asked, like he always did.

"Okay. Y-yours?"

"Tolerable."

She smiled; he always said that.

"Have you eaten?"

"Yeah." No. She was not really hungry.

He frowned slightly, as though he smelled her lie.

Sesshomaru thought it best to leave her alone but all the papers in front of her caught his attention. "School?"

"I'm t-hinking about taking a few online classes. I mean, if it's not too ex-pensive."

"I can afford it."

She shook her head. "You've done enou-gh." She had some savings. If she took one class at a time until she could get a job, she should be okay. She could not take more from him, she already took almost everything.

He would not argue with her; he had no patience for it. His days were spent dealing with idiotic humans and he did not need this. Though, he had already offered to pay for this so he was unsure as to why she was refusing his help. If she did not want his help, he would not impose it but if she asked he would give it to her. Perhaps it was natural for her to want more freedom from him and he would not deny her that right. Also, it might be a very good idea. It was one of the reasons why he took more shifts at work.

They were slightly busy and so he did not really lie to her but he did not need to be working as much as he was. Ever since the little incident, he did not think it was a good idea to be spending so much time around her. The bond was messy, especially since it was one way and she was in the middle of healing and the best way to deal with that was to put some distance between them which was exactly what he did. So far, it had proven successful. He had no more urge, no more weaknesses. It was better this way.

"Very well," he finally answered.

Part of her was surprise at his answer. Then again, when did he ever force anything on her? "Thank you."

He nodded and then, as per usual, disappeared into his bedroom. Kagome turned her head and watched him leave. Was it her imagination playing tricks on her or was he actually avoiding her? It would not surprise her…especially considering how much she had embarrassed herself not too long ago. Aroused! Twice! Around him! He was probably too polite to bring it up and thought it best to keep some distance between them and she could hardly blame him. Though it was not as if she meant to feel that way.

She was not even attracted to Sesshomaru! No he was not bad looking but she would never see him that way. Her body was simply in a funk…it was going through a lot of changes and she was probably…well…her hormones might have been kicking back in. Whatever the reason was, she knew there was a very simple explanation behind it…though she was not going to have this discussion with him. Hence why he was avoiding her.

Yes, she definitively needed to get started on those classes. Without Sesshomaru around, her thoughts were too much. This would help. It was a good idea.

She sighed while she looked at the brochure; she needed to stand on her own two legs from now on.

Soon enough, she would be all alone.

-R-

"Sesshomaru!"

He winced. When his boss spoke that way it could only mean bad news. Too bad there was no way he could avoid it. He stood straight with his neutral face on and waited for his boss to catch up to him.

"How are you?"

"I am fine."

"How is your wife?"

"Better." Strangely, they always all asked him about Kagome. They never really cared about his life before but ever since she made an appearance in it people seemed to gossip. He would not fuel their disgusting habit.

"Will she be joining us to the celebration?"

He forgot about that. He did not even ask her…actually he himself had no desire to attend. "I am not certain," he finally replied. He had to go; it was almost mandatory and it was when their boss would distribute the bonus and he did not want to miss it. He would welcome a bit of extra cash. Although, suffering amongst those people for a few hours almost made it not worth it. Kagome's presence did help last time he had to go to a social event but…he was not sure it was a great idea for her to come.

"Please do tell her she is most welcomed."

"I will." It was not a lie.

It stayed on his mind all day, up to the point when he got home. He had to go, which mean she would know about the event. It would be rather rude not to ask her to come with him, especially since she was cooped up in the house all by herself…all day long. He knew she found it boring sometimes since he could feel it. As her…husband it would be the right thing to do. And though things were rather strange nowadays, her company was certainly more pleasing than his coworker's presence. He would ask.

Once he got in the apartment, he did not find her where he expected. Instead of being on the couch, watching TV or sketching away, she was at the desk, intensively staring at the laptop.

"Evening," he greeted when she did not say anything.

She jumped in surprise, clearly unaware of his presence and then backed away from the computer. "Evening. How w-was your day?"

"Fine."

He tilted his head and looked at the computer screen.

"Online classes," she clarified. "I'm d-done."

"Did it go well?"

She nodded.

She meant it when she said she did not want his help - not that he cared.

"I have a proposition for you," he said as he put his suitcase down by the door.

Kagome detached her eyes from the computer and turned her whole body so that she was facing him.

"There is an event I am forced to attend. It is for my work. Would you like to come with me?"

The question came as a shock, especially since she truly convinced herself that he did not want to be around her. He was either asking out of respect or because he preferred having her there than all the people he worked with.

"Aa-re you sure?"

"I do not mind your presence. You are free to attend if you wish."

She did not have the most pleasing experience the last time she was around his co-workers. Although it could also be a chance to show them… show them what? She was not much different from before. She barely had strength back and her hair was a mess and she was still horribly skinny. They would make the same distasteful comment as before and they would laugh at her again. The question was, would she handle it differently this time? She could not hide from the real world forever. Perhaps this could be another step in the right direction?

"I c-could go."

"Very well. I will provide you with the required attire."

She wished she could tell him not to spend on her but truth was, she had nothing to wear. The only nice dress she had was the one from the last event and she could not wear that again. Personally it did not bother her but she supposed it would look bad for his wife to only own one evening gown. Therefor, she was forced to let him spend money for her.

"When i-s it?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Thank you for invit-ing me."

He nodded. "Are you hungry?"

She shook her head. This was something she could do on her own now; she no longer needed to bother him with that. If she was hungry she would make her own food. He might have noticed if he had not been avoiding her lately.

Once she answered, he did what she expected him to do. He went to the kitchen, opened his suitcase and began doing some work. As he would usually do. She closed the web browser, since she was done with her class for tonight, and then she grabbed her book before disappearing into her bedroom. She would give him the privacy and calm he required.

He was in the kitchen by himself, she was in her bedroom by herself.

This was their life.

-R-

Sigh.

Kagome stared at her reflection with a sad expression on her face. She knew she should hurry because Sesshomaru was waiting for her on the other side of the door. Yet, the emotions were too strong for her to ignore. She stood in front of the mirror, holding up her red dress. Sesshomaru bought her two dresses - apparently some pushy sales woman gave him a promotion. He probably did not want to deal with the woman and bought whatever she recommended. They were both beautiful, especially the red one… but there was one problem with it; she was too skinny.

Not pretty skinny, or even strong skinny, she was just disgustingly sick skinny. The dress was flowy and went all the way to her knees. Unfortunately the top was a bustier and…she could not hold it up. It was not only her lack of breasts that was the problem but her lack of…fat…and everything else. Every time she let go, it fell to the floor, leaving her in her underwear…which was not a sight she wanted to see. And she doubted anybody else wanted to see that.

She sighed again as she let the dress fall to the ground once more. She would have to wear the other one. She stepped away from the red dress and picked up the blue one from her bed. It looked fairly similar to the other one, except this one had sleeves which were going to come in handy. She quickly slipped it on, though she remained unhappy about the final result; with this one, all the bones from her chest were sticking out. Oh well, this was as good as it was going to get. She could not keep Sesshomaru waiting forever.

She ran her fingers through her short hair in an attempt to comb them and then gave up. As per usual, she wore no make up. Nothing could hide the way she looked… unless she wanted three inches of make up on her face which she did not. The best way to go was the natural way. At least she would not look like she was trying too hard.

After one last painful look in the mirror, she decided to exit her bedroom. As she expected, Sesshomaru was waiting for her by the door. He was cleanly dressed as he always was, his hair in a ponytail.

"Are you ready?" he inquired without a hint of impatience in his voice.

"Y-eah, sorry."

"No need to apologize."

He could feel how uncomfortable she was and he had not forgotten the last time they went somewhere together. He could understand the reasons behind her nervousness and he would not pressure her. To top it all off, it was not as though he was in a rush to get to the event himself. The more time they took, the better in his opinion. This would be a long night.

Like the last time, Sesshomaru helped her down the stairs, though he noticed she did not lean on him as much has before. She even made it to the car all on her own. The drive was done in complete silence and they both seemed to like it that way. It almost made Kagome laugh; she used to like talking so much and now she preferred the quietness. Maybe Sesshomaru was rubbing off on her.

She felt fine until they arrived. Then, she felt a desire to flee and a rolling feeling in her stomach. Too late to back out. One thing was for sure, she was glad she did not eat before coming over or she might have thrown up. Once the car was parked, Sesshomaru walked to the other side and offered her his arm. She remained in the house all the time he was not convinced she had a lot of energy. He rather help her and save her from a potential embarrassing situation. She took his arm without any hesitation.

Obviously people stared at them - or rather her - the moment they walked in. They all tried to be polite about it which was almost better than last time. Still, she knew what they were really thinking behind their closed lips. The mix of a stoic Sesshomaru and a cancer recovering Kagome kept most people at bay. They did not know how to interact with either of them. It was best that way.

One person seemed totally unaffected; Sesshomaru's boss, Isamu.

"Sesshomaru!" He smiled. "I am glad you could join us. And you too Kagome."

"Thank you fo-r inviting me," Kagome said with a smile.

"You are most welcomed dear."

He extended his hand, waiting for Sesshomaru to shake it. He eventually did…very lightly.

"Oh, I know, why don't you to take a picture?"

Kagome's eyes widened. Picture?

"Yes, we're taking a picture of all the couples. For the website. People like when banks and companies have a family vibe to them. Plus, it makes a great picture for the living room!"

Even though they did not agree, Isamu pushed them towards the photographer. "You just have to stay here and smile."

The photographer smiled at them. "What a beautiful couple. Come on, a little closer."

Neither of them knew how to act like a couple because… it was all new to them. Not only that but they did not even have any sort of intimacy between them. They were stiffed and uncomfortable. How did this man expect them to act like they were?

"Come on! No need to be shy."

Sesshomaru heard Kagome's heart as it began to beat faster. He was not too keen on this photo deal either. "We are fine," he finally replied.

"I'm sure you want to be closer than that to your wife!"

It was taking too long and the photographer was talking to much; people were beginning to stare. Kagome had to admit it did look slightly strange; what couple did not want to be all lovey-dobey? Especially them considering she had just survived cancer. They were supposed to cherish every moment. Though, they should hardly be forced to act like people wanted him to act. They could be private and shy people. Nonetheless, all the stares were beginning to make her very uncomfortable and she wanted this moment to be over.

She inhaled deeply, trying to give herself courage, before leaning into Sesshomaru's chest. For a second, he seemed fazed by her actions but he quickly recovered and adjusted his stance. Finally the photographer took a picture and she had never been so relieved.

"Another one? With a kiss?"

This time, nothing stopped her from blushing. Kissing Sesshomaru? This man was out of his mind. They - they did not even hold hands! They were certainly not going to kiss… in front of everyone.

"It will be enough," Sesshomaru said with a serious tone.

He did not wait for the man to reply, he simply kept his hold on Kagome and walked away. Even if the relationship between him and Kagome was truthful he had no intention of putting on a show in front of his colleague. He had self-respect. He could feel everyone's stare while he walked away but he ignored them. He did not come here to be social, he came here because it was an obligation, nothing else. He was right though, having Kagome around helped. He could not help but wonder how many people would have tried to talk to him if he was alone.

Minutes passed and he stayed with Kagome at one of the table. She was picking at her food, cutting up in small chunks; she still had a hard time with chewing and swallowing. Sesshomaru did not eat though since he was busy listening. He was not one to eavesdrop but he thought everyone would mind their whole business. Apparently he was very mistaken. He did not think that people would find gossip in what happened with the photographer but they did.

He would not even kiss his own wife.

Would you? I mean, she doesn't like very attractive.

Yeah but he married her. He saw her naked before.

Yeah before she looked like a bag of bones. I wouldn't wanna sleep with that. I would wait until she got some of weight back.

I don't know…when you love someone.

Come on, she's too weak she wouldn't even handle sex.

Yeah but that was a kiss!

He's a weird guy anyway.

At least this time Kagome could not hear all of the gossips. He had no idea if she was stronger than before but he did not want to risk it. Her emotions invaded his mind enough and he did not need her to be a mess again. He was not talented at the whole cheering up thing and he did not care much for it. This entire thing reminded him what he disliked human company. They were so petty. They always needed to bring others down to bring themselves back up. He wondered how she escaped her kind's faith.

"I know they're t-talking about us," she said while staring ahead.

He could probably hear what they were saying but she could do. However, she noticed the stares and the hushed whispers. Who else were they going to gossip about? At least their words could not hurt her and it was enough for now.

"Our lives are hardly any of their concern."

She could not agree more.

"So, Kagome, tell me, how has your recovery been? You look so much healthier than the last time we saw you!"

Obviously the people at their table wanted to chitchat; they could not gossip. They might as well try to get some real information. Although she did not think anything she could say could change their minds. They already thought what they wanted to think.

"I'm better."

"Do you work?"

"N-not yet."

"Do you go to school?"

"I've started taking s-some classes."

"That's nice. It's important to get back out there. I'm sure Sesshomaru is thrilled to have you walking around and hair, look at all that hair!" Right, last time they saw her she was completely bald.

And they made such nice comments about it.

"By the way, I don't think we ever got the whole story about you two."

They probably did not get any story. She could not picture Sesshomaru chatting up with his co-workers.

"How did you met?"

She frowned; they never really worked on a back story. Never thought they would really need one. Not kissing in public was one thing but not having a story about how you met could appear weird. Usually there was nothing embarrassing about that. Kagome was a terrible liar; there was no way she could come up with a believable story.

"In the forest," she tried, doing her best not to wince at her pathetic lie.

The man and woman in front of her exchanged a confused glance. Apparently her lie was not good enough.

"She means camping. We met while camping," Sesshomaru clarified.

He knew mikos were supposed to be pure and so far everything about her was but could she not even lie?

The couple looked even more shocked than before and Kagome knew why; they did not think Sesshomaru was the type to go camping and really she did not think he was either. Still, it was a better story than hers.

"Outside under the sky! That's romantic," the woman said with a smile.

"Were you sick then?"

The woman kicked her husband in the ribs. "Iko," she hushed.

"No, she was not." She was far from it; she was too healthy. Annoying little human thing, running around, stealing his sword and whatnot. Heck, she was even the reason why he lost his arm. Thankfully, he got that back and even obtained a more powerful sword.

"It must be tough. Thinking you're going to lose the love of your life."

This time Sesshomaru would not save her; feelings were not his strong suit. "I th-ink he knew I was gonna make it," she explained. Well, he did. After all, he was the one who provided her with a miracle cure. He knew she would not die and so it was not a lie.

"You two make a wonderful couple."

"Thank you."

As on cue, the music started playing. The woman beamed with joy. "If you excuse us, I would love to go dance with my husband." They quickly left and Kagome sighed in relief.

"Camping?" she then asked with a smile.

"It was more truthful." He did not care much for lies. Obviously in this case it was needed but he had no intention of going out of his way to make up lies.

"I never tho-ught about it before."

He tilted his head to the side and waited for her explanation.

"I never thought about o-our back story." She did not think either of them would be interacting much. "Where we met, how we fell in love. People tt-end to be noisy."

After speaking such long sentences, she stopped to catch her breath. Sesshomaru was not much of a talker so it did not give her a chance to practice speaking so much. She forgot how quickly she could become breathless.

"It hardly matters," he finally answered. "These are the only situations where we have to talk to people." They did not do any activities together. They did not invite friends over for dinner - which would be a hard task considering the fact that they did not have any friends. They did not need to waste their time making up fake stories because there was no point.

"We can avoid it for the most part during these little events." He stared at the dancing couples. "We are not really husband and wife. Our commitments do not mean anything. All of it was done out of necessity. There is no need to create a big charade."

How romantic. She knew nothing about them was real. Though she would argue they had some sort of friendship going on. Nonetheless, sometimes fantasies were better than nothing. It was not as though she wanted to fantasize about being married to him but - she would not mind dreaming up a perfect life. Even if it was fake. After all, it was probably the closest she would ever get to having a perfect life.

"You're right," she simply added.

She rested her chin in the palm of her hand and watched the others dance.

He did not ask her to dance mostly because he knew she could not handle all that physical effort. Plus, he doubted that would give people something else to gossip about since Kagome should not even be doing as well as she was.

"Sesshomaru!"

Kagome froze; she would know that voice anywhere. Aimi. That oh so nice girl who had destroyed whatever she had left of her ego. As if she needed to see her tonight…

"Oh, Kagone? Was it?"

"Kagome," she corrected with a smile.

Aimi shook her head and sat down beside them. "You know before you were married you barely came to any of these things. Now you're always here. It's great," she added before resting her hand just beside his.

Kagome would have laugh; did she think this would make Kagome jealous? For all Kagome cared, Aimi could have Sesshomaru. Though, Aimi did not know this whole marriage was a sham so she was simply being a disrespectful bitch.

Sesshomaru seemed unfazed by her presence as he inched his hand away. He felt the distress coming from Kagome and he knew; this was one of the women who talked about her. One of them women who made her cry. This night just had to be filled with emotions. He hoped his bonus would be worth it because he had a feeling he would have a pounding headache by the end of the night.

"I enjoy having nights out with my wife."

Aimi's smile grew even bigger. "That is so sweet. You are so lucky Kagone!"

Kagome. But she did not correct her this time, she would not give her that pleasure.

"You guys didn't feel like dancing?"

"Kagome cannot dance at the moment."

"That's a shame! Well if you want to dance anyway, I'm available."

Some people were simply unbelievable. Aimi could see her right? She knew she was sitting right there. What was most unbelievable was the girl's desire to be with Sesshomaru. She was certain Sesshomaru never led her own or never expressed a desire to be with her. Even now he was close to being uncomfortably rude to her and yet she kept trying.

Was she stupid or oblivious to what was happening right in front of her?

"I rather stay here with my wife and I have no interest in dancing with desperate, impolite women."

Aimi looked as though she had been burned and Kagome did her best to stifle her laugh. Did he just tell her that? He seemed so composed, so used to dealing with idiots that she never thought he would actually do something like that!

Aimi stuttered for a few moments, clearly in shock before somewhat recovering. "Well, I'll - I'll leave the two of you alone."

And just like that, she was gone from their table.

Once she was far enough, Kagome began laughing. "Wow."

He disliked the woman and she was imposing her presence upon him. How else was he supposed to deal with her? And after what she did to Kagome she deserved to be humiliated. These humans had no idea what a real struggle was, what strength was. They did not deserve to cast their judgements upon others.

"I guess they s-still think you married me because you pity me."

To be honest she could not blame them. If he had married her because he loved her and was afraid to lose her, he would be much more affectionate towards her. And at that thought, she was reminded of his nose… and oh that memory was certainly a bad idea especially if she considered the state she was in after it happened. She did not need to think about that while Sesshomaru was sitting right beside her.

But it was a bit too late.

He could smell it. The scent was faint but it was so distinct that he could already tell what it was.

Sesshomaru turned his head away from her and stared into the distance.

Everyone was laughing, smiling and they seemed happy - at least it was what he could feel from them. Which was strange because not too long ago he could not even tell what happiness felt like. He only could because of Kagome and her foolish emotions that kept finding their way into his mind. After mating and marrying her, he thought his life would remain mostly the same. How wrong had he been! Now that he was faced with the truth, he had to admit it; he was changing. He did not know if it would be permanent or not but he was not the same man as before.

When he made the decision to include her in his life he did not think it would be like this. However, change was something he was used to - he always had to change and adapt to the changing environments.

He never minded before because he remained the same at his core. This though, it was changing who he was. It affected his thoughts, it affected his daily life. He was not sure how he felt about it.

It could not be stop, he could not go back and undo the things he did. Things would keep on moving forward. It was already too late because he felt things he had never felt. He noticed things he should not.

And it was all because of that tiny, weak, fragile human sitting beside him.

Who knew a human could do so much damage?

-R-