Lost Without You

For years I had watched her change from a child into a woman. Watching her grow warmed me, and excited me at the same time. She had become beautiful, a one of a kind woman, but she had become the object of my desires. I couldn’t understand why she affected me, she was rarely ever close enough to touch me and I isolated myself from her often, yet I still dreamed of her. I stayed awake for hours at night, watching her sleep.

In my mind I cursed her, but my heart always forgave. I didn’t want this, it wasn’t what I expected. I, the almighty Sesshomaru was weakened by a mere mortal. I gave her nothing, not a flower, no words of encouragement. I tried to rid myself of her, but she followed. I tried to force her to stay with her own kind. For two days I left her in that village, yet somehow I came back for her. Without her, my heart wept. I couldn’t admit it, but she could see it.

I said nothing, but she followed as if she understood. How can she understand something I cannot? We traveled for three days, only resting at night. I couldn’t be near her. Her scent overwhelmed me. She was driving me mad, and I couldn’t stand it. I hid in a tree so she could not ask to sleep next to me. When she went into heat, I’d leave until it was over, protecting her in the shadows. She understood, but never asked. She never changed her behavior, always being cheerful and acting the same. She acted as though nothing was wrong. How could she be so calm about this? Did she know what she did to me?

Soon my feelings started to get worse. Jaken helped her put a flower in her hair, and I got pissed. I hit him so hard I knocked him out. She yelled at me, and ran to his side. I couldn’t stop myself. I had bonded with this woman, and the more I ran from it, the worse it became. I loved her, I knew it, but I had never loved anyone before. I tried to avoid her, left her for long periods of time in my castle, trying to find some other bitch to get over her.

I brought home a demoness, tried to take her to bed, but I couldn’t do it. I kept seeing her face over and over again. I couldn’t banish a mere human from my thoughts. I dismissed the demoness from my chambers. My body was trembling. My youkai was going mad. I had chosen a human as a mate and refused to touch her, and I tried to bed another. That was a number one no no. I was having a battle with instinct and reason.

What if I hurt her? What if she rejects me? Would she understand the way of youkai? Could she live for an eternity with me? I looked at myself in the mirror. I was paler than my usual, I hadn’t eaten in weeks, and my eyes were dull. I was becoming a ghost, because of a mere mortal. She was killing me, and hadn’t even touched me. The almighty Lord Sesshomaru was broken. I hid in my room for another two weeks. I hid from her. I had become afraid of her until she came and knocked on my door.

“Lord Sesshomaru?”

She called my name.

I was deprived and sad. I thought I was hallucinating. She would never come for me. I was sure of it.

“My Lord, why have you isolated yourself?”

I heard her voice again. Strangely, I could smell food, and my mouth began to water, but I didn’t have the will to eat. I hid in my bed, withering away and then I picked up her scent. She was actually in my room, and she brought me food. I sat up, surprising myself that I still had strength to do so.

“Rin…”

I looked at her, her eyes filled with a sorrow I did not understand. I hadn’t seen her in so long, and she had become more beautiful than ever. She was healthy, her body so voluptuous and pure. I looked her up and down, and saw she was carrying food. I looked at her face, and I realized she wasn’t smiling. Never had I seen her and she not smile. My Rin always smiled for me.
“Why do you not smile for me?”

She looked down at the ground and there was nothing but silence. After a few moments, her head jerked up, she threw the tray of food at the door, and looked back at me with tears in her eyes.

“I have no smile because you left me!! You sit here in your room moping over nothing, and not once did you think about me!! Do you think I am stupid?? I cannot help the fact that I am human, but you could have told me the truth!!”

I was shocked. My Rin was screaming at me in tears. Where did I make a mistake?

“I was protecting you.”

“You were protecting yourself!!!”

She was right. I hid from all my troubles, to save myself from the hassle, the pain. I felt pathetic. I didn’t realize how badly I hurt her. I was so sure she didn’t care…

“You tried so hard to get rid of me. I couldn’t understand at first, but it was because you knew. You knew I loved you, and you wanted no part of it. Not even a part of me…you could have told me the truth. You could have told me you didn’t love me!!”

Now it was my turn to get pissed. “Who are you to judge me? I did love you. I still do!! I am sick because I have tried to convince myself it was not what you wanted. I might have been selfish, but not once did I expect harm to come to you.”

An awkward silence filled the room, and I put my head down in shame. All of this over an assumption.

“Who are you to make my choice for me?” she whispered.

Immediately I jerked my head up, looking at my Rin. For the first time, I saw how broken she was. She had been pretending all this time to be so happy, when she was just as miserable as I. She broke my heart, and I hers. She didn’t move, and we held eye contact for what seemed like forever and I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Rin, come here. I need you…”