What the Hell Does She Think She's Doing?

A/N NEW - title change, that's all that's going on. ignore! :-)

A/N After reading so many stories where the characters make comments in the author’s notes, I just had to jot this down. So, thanks to all the author’s who’ve ever had Inuyasha characters talk to them. I happily give you all credit for inspiring this!

NOTE: If you haven’t read a lot of my stories, you might miss some of the jokes, but it might still work. There are references to heterosexual sex, yaoi, profanity, and I think that’s about it.

This is Essentially a OneShot, random, comedic moment. I might write more at some time, but each chapter will be able to stand on its own.

What the Hell does She Think She’s Doing?


Inuyasha blew on his tea, shaking his head. “You know what I don’t understand? What kind of hard on the author has with the number 12.”

Kouga sighed, popping the top on his beer. “I know. It’s bizarre. Everything’s tight as a 12 year old, or immature as a 12 year old, or 12 feet tall. Jeez, obsess much?”

“Maybe she simply likes the number 12.” Kagome said, her lips cherry as she pulled them away from her plastic cup.

Inuyasha groaned. “Tell me that ain’t kool-aid you’re drinking.”

“And what if it is? I like kool-aid.”

“You know, you’re not an innocent little kid anymore.” Inuyasha muttered, and then grinned. “Actually, you’re REALLY not an innocent little kid. Man, oral the first time! That was awesome.”

“Inuyasha! Don’t say stuff like that in front of everyone!” Kagome muttered, embarrassed.

“What? It’s not like they haven’t read it themselves!”

“They have not! They wouldn’t intrude on our private time that way.”

“I’m sorry, did you miss the entire ‘they have a penis and are therefore a guy’ part of their lives?”

She glared. “They wouldn’t.”

Inuyasha rolled his eyes. “Guys?”’

“Read it.” Kouga said, laughing.

“Read it.” Inuyasha’s conscience said, grabbing a beer of his own out of the igloo cooler.

“I did indeed read it.” Sesshoumaru said, although he had the grace not to meet her eyes.

“Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” Miroku said, waggling his eyebrows at her as he relaxed in his armchair. Kagome threw her glass at him.

“You know, you’re such a stupid lech sometimes.” Kagome scowled.

“I don’t know. I think maybe I’m being type-cast.” Miroku mused, peering down at Sango seated on the floor next to him. She elbowed him in the shin without even looking back.

“Quit looking down my top, you idiot.”

“Well, if you didn’t have such big…”

“Don’t even say it if you want to go on living. And I thought you were an ass man, anyway.”

“Now that really IS type-casting. I’m more of a bigger-is-better breast man, really.”

“Leg man, myself.” Kouga said.

“You’re all wacked. The ass is where it’s at.” Inuyasha argued.

“Breasts.” Miroku reiterated. “Big, huge, hold ‘em in your hands until they spill over breasts.”

“You guys are so crude.” Kagome said.

“Especially you, Miroku. You know, even out of the story, you are a disgusting lech. “ Sango said, putting a guarding hand over her cleavage. “Really, I don’t think the author has any talent at all when she writes those scenes with you. She just watches you and writes down what you did, you big perv.”

“Well, what can I say, I’m a legend in my own time.” Miroku said, smiling.

“In your own mind, maybe.” Kouga said, and gave Inuyasha a high-five as Miroku huffed at him.

No one spoke for a moment as they all enjoyed their drinks, and Kagome poured herself another kool-aid.

“I don’t get all the blushing.” Kouga said. “Every five seconds there’s someone blushing. It’s weird.“

“It’s due to a different cultural context.” Sesshoumaru said.

Everyone looked at him blankly and Seshsoumaru sighed.

“Seriously, you guys are all peons. The stories are based on a different set of cultural stereo-types and social mores. People are more reserved and thus tend to be embarrassed more easily about certain activities,” Sesshoumaru said.

They all looked at each other until Kagome shook her head. “I always thought the author just finds blushing cute.”

“Especially when a guy does it.” Sango added.

“Okay, that’s cute and hot.” Kagome said, and she and Sango smirked at the guys.

“I do not blush.” Sesshoumaru said calmly.

“Hell, me neither!” Kouga blurted.

Inuyasha and Miroku stared at their drinks and tried to ignore everyone’s smirks while they waited for a new conversation topic.

“You know what I hate?” said Sango thoughtfully, “I hate how we women are always stuck with the crappy work.”

“Oh God, tell me about it!” Kagome said.

“You don’t get stuck with the crappy work.” Inuyasha said. “I’m the one who got all covered in that dead-guy powdery crap! You don’t even want to know how many crevices that shit can get into.”

“Oh, lovely, there’s an image I wanted in my brain.” Miroku grouched.

“And what are you talking about, we do too!” Sango argued. “We do the cooking. We do the bandaging. We set up the camp; we take down the camp. Kagome carries practically an entire grocery store in her stupid bag, and I even had to carry Miroku’s sorry butt around for a few hours!”

Miroku smiled. “Yeah, that was a great scene.”

“Shut up.” Sango elbowed him in the shin again. “I feel like a darn slave.”

“So, tell the author. I bet she’d change some stuff if you asked.” Kouga said.

Kagome and Sango laughed. “Oh right, like it’s believable any of your lazy asses would get up and actually work for a change? I mean really, there’s ‘suspension of disbelief’ and all, but that’s just stretching it too far.”

“Hey, Miroku and I gathered firewood!” Inuyasha protested.

“Just as an excuse to gossip. Sango, have you ever noticed that the guys are a lot more gossipy than the girls in these stories?” Kagome asked.

“Yeah. Kinda goes against the whole stereotype there, doesn’t it?”

“The author has an audio fixation. She likes to listen to men. We have sexy voices.” Miroku said smugly.

Kagome threw her new cup of kool-aid at him again.

“Dork.” She got up for yet another glass.

“You’re gonna want to get a few more of those, if you’re going to throw them at him every time he says something stupid,” Inuyasha commented, and Kagome picked up three extra cups, nodding.

“I don’t like the swearing.” Kagome said as she sat back down.

“What the hell does that mean?” Inuyasha snorted.

“The swearing. She makes you swear constantly, even in your head. It’s crude.”

“Aw, fuck that.”

“See! See, she’s even got you doing it now! She’s setting a bad example for the children.”

“WHAT children? We don’t have any children!”

“We will! Have you seen how much sex she has us having! And anyway, we have Shippou. I don’t want him learning any bad habits.”

“A little too damn late for that,” muttered Inuyasha

Kagome missed the low voiced comment and went on. “And what’s up with your conscience! I can’t believe what she has him saying!”

“Has him saying? Kagome, you have absolutely no idea what a pervert he is.”

“I do so. I did read those stories, too, you know!” she said, and then squirmed as Inuyasha raised one eyebrow at her.

“I thought reading it was an intrusion to our privacy?” he mocked.

“I wanted to know what you were supposed to be thinking.” She said, crossing her arms.

“And…”

“And she made you seem like a total lech.”

“Girlfriend, you have no idea how much fiction mirrored reality on that one,” Inuyasha’s conscience said.

“Hey! It did not!” Inuyasha sputtered. “You know very well you suggested every one of those damn thoughts to the author!”

“Oh, puh-leeze. I haven’t had a dirty thought about Kagome in my life. Miroku, on the other hand…” Inuyasha’s conscience leered slightly, and Miroku kicked him in the leg.

“Oh stop.”

“You know you’d like it. Hell, all of us know you’d like it, especially after some of those scenes you’ve been in? Goodness, I might orgasm just thinking about some of them. You were SO fine. I’d do you anytime you said the word, lover.”

“Thanks, but no,” Miroku said, leaning away from him. “Anyway, those scenes were…” Miroku shifted, annoyed. “I had nothing to do with how those scenes turned out. I still think it’s against the laws of nature, what that woman makes me do. She has me with MEN! Me! With men!”

“Eh, it ain’t so bad.” Inuyasha said, taking another sip of his tea.

“You only say that because you get to be on top!”

Inuyasha leered at Miroku slightly. “Yeah.”

“Ew. Just ew. Stop it right now. Seriously. I think I may lose control of my stomach.” Miroku stuck his finger in his mouth and made a gagging gesture.

“Seems to me you lost control a lot around me,” Inuyasha said, laughing slightly.

Miroku choked on his tea. “Are you trying to make a sexual innuendo? Are you? Because it’s not funny!” Miroku stabbed him in the chest with his finger, glaring. “I mean honestly, if she’s going to put me in those stupid stories, the least she could do is give me a chance to be on top.”

“I always get to be on top,” Sesshoumaru said with a smirk.

“Oh, shut up,” Inuyasha growled.

“Ha! See how you like being on the bottom!” Miroku gloated.

“Maybe unlike some of us, I’m not so uptight that I can’t be open to new ideas,” Inuyasha said angrily.

Everyone looked at him and started laughing.

“What! I’m open!”

“You’re going to be opened, maybe,” Miroku said, “before that Uke story’s done.”

“You know, monk, you are really starting to cross the line.”

“No. Crossing the line is what’s been done to ME. Especially…” He flushed and drank some more tea.

“Thinking of the threesome?” Sango asked, grinning. “Oh, sorry, threesomes.”

Miroku looked at her, glared, and then slowly leered. “Don’t think I won’t ask her to write me a spanking scene, Sango. ‘Cause I will. And you know she’ll do it for me.” He smiled. “I’m her favorite.”

“Oh don’t be stupid, she likes all of us the same, except maybe Kouga.” Inuyasha snorted.

“Indeed,” Sesshoumaru said calmly.

“Even me,” Said Inuyasha’s conscience.

“She likes me!” Kouga said, and glared as Inuyasha started choking on his tea. “What? She does! Didn’t I get Kagome?”

“Oh, what, once?”

“Well, I got Ayame once, too!” Kouga protested. “And I bet I get Kagome again! That Uke one’s looking promising. After all, you’ve got a totally different set of plumbing on your mind in that one.”

Inuyasha sneered at him. “Shut up, asshole.” Kouga continued to stare at him as though waiting. “Okay, fine, so maybe she likes ALL of us.”

“Baloney,“ Kagome said calmly. “She’s got the hots for the guys. Us girls totally get the shaft.”

“I thought you liked the shaft,” Inuyasha said innocently.

“Eh?”

“You know, the big, hard, shaft that…”

“Inuyasha! Osuwari!”

“Oh jeez, woman, get out of character for a minute. Like I would actually wear those beads outside of a story? C’mon.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I don’t need the beads for THIS!” Kagome reached up and slapped him across the face.

“HEY!”

“Yeah, welcome to my world,” muttered Miroku.

“That hurt!”

“It was supposed to!”

“Not as much as those damn beads, though.” Kouga spoke up from the corner.

“Got that fucking right,” Inuyasha grumbled, still rubbing his cheek.

“Honestly, can’t we get a stunt double for those scenes or something?” asked Miroku.

“If you get to say the line…” Kagome said.

“Or grab the ass,” Sango continued.

“Then you get to feel the pain,” Kagome finished.

Miroku leaned over to Inuyasha. “The ass grabbing part’s kinda fun, yeah?”

“Yeah. ALL the ass grabbing parts,” Inuyasha said back, leaning towards him.

“Hey! Hands to yourself, dog boy!” Miroku glared and dumped tea in Inuyasha’s lap. Howling, Inuyasha jumped up and down, pulling the wet fabric away from his crotch.

“Jeez, Miroku, I was just shitting you! You didn’t have to go and scald me over it! Shit!” Inuyasha cursed under his breath as he went over to get some paper towels.

“You mess with me, I mess with you,” Miroku said calmly.

“You can really be an asshole, you know that?” Inuyasha snarled, sitting back down gingerly.

“Yeah, and yet, I’m STILL her favorite,” Miroku said, gloating.

“Oh, and how do you figure?” Inuyasha growled.

“Because I’m not the one who just got his family jewels parboiled.”

“He’s got a point there,” Sango said.

“No, he doesn’t! If that was all it took to be the favorite, why aren’t Sesshoumaru and Kouga the favorites, too!”

“And me, sweetie,” Inuyasha’ conscience piped up.

“I wasn’t burned AND I’m in every single story AND I get to have sex in all of them,” Miroku said.

Inuyasha scowled at him. “Oh yeah? Well,“ he thought furiously and then suddenly grinned. “Well, you’re not the only one who can ask the author for a favor, asshole.”

Miroku smiled smugly. “It won’t do any good. She’s not gonna hurt me. I’m too cute.”

“Oh really? I don’t think she’ll mind if I’M the one who asks for a spanking scene, Miroku.”

Miroku paled slightly. “You wouldn’t.”

“Oooh, I’d read it!” piped up Inuyasha’s conscience. “Can I ask for one, too!”

“No, you idiot, you don’t get to play with Miroku in the stories,” Inuyasha said.

“Darn it. That’s no fun.”

“Yes, it is! Not playing with me is good!” Miroku said. “And you! Don’t even think about it, Inuyasha. I swear, you get her to do that and you don’t even want to know what I will do to you.”

“Don’t listen to him, Inuyasha.” Sango ordered. “I, for one, vote you ask for it. He deserves it.”

“Oh, I am so going to get a piece of your ass, Sango,” Miroku threatened. “You just watch.”

“I will, when you’re face down over Inuyasha’s lap getting a spanking.”

Miroku blushed and glared at her.

“Ha! He actually DOES blush in real life!” Sango gloated.

“I must admit, I would not mind watching a spanking,” Sesshoumaru said slowly.

“Will you guys cut it out!” Miroku said. “It’s not going to happen anyway. I’m the favorite. Nothing bad happens to me.”

“Really?” another voice asked, and they all looked up to see Ronin walk into the room to sit down next to Inuyasha’s conscience and exchange air-kisses with him.

Miroku looked at all of them and started cursing. “I swear, Inuyasha, if you try anything, I will kick your ass so hard you won’t be able to sit for a week.”

Inuyasha laughed at him. “Yeah? Well neither will you after I’m done.” He rubbed his hands together. “This is gonna be great. Anybody got a pencil? I need to write down what to say before I forget it.”

“Just stop it. You know you won’t go through with it,” Miroku said, scowling as Kouga handed over a notebook with a pen.

Kagome got up to look over Inuyasha’s shoulders as he started to write. “You spell spanking with a ‘k,’ not a ‘ck.’ Oh, can you ask for a nude scene, too? He’s been working out a lot lately, so it should be really good.”

“Sure.” Inuyasha’s tongue stuck out a bit as he concentrated.

“Will you just stop it!” Miroku ordered.

“Don’t forget a sex scene! I never got to tie him up!” Sango called out, smiling up at Miroku as Inuyasha nodded absently, still writing.

“Cut it out, you idiots!”

“I wouldn’t mind a scene of my own with Miroku again,” Sesshoumaru said.

“Hey, what about me?” Kouga whined. “I never got a sex scene with him!”

“You can share mine,” Sesshoumaru said.

“Good idea. She won’t have to write as much that way,” Inuyasha muttered as he continued to write furiously.

“Will you guys shut up about this already!!” Miroku stood up, glaring. “This isn’t funny anymore!”

“Can’t you see if she might be willing to give me just one scene?” Inuyasha’s conscience asked. “Just a teeny, weeny one?”

“Oh, fine, you whiner,” Inuyasha said, jotting something down.

“Inuyasha, dammit! Gimme that paper!”

Inuyasha leapt to his feet and held the letter over his head as Miroku ran at him. “No way! I’m sending it to the author!”

“Give it to me right now, you idiot!” Miroku yelled out as Inuyasha’s conscience tackled him.

“Go, Inuyasha! Send it!” Concience yelled.

Miroku started to shove Inuyasha’s conscience off when Sango and Kagome jumped on top of him as well, pinning him down.

“Inuyasha, if you send that, I swear I’m going to shave your head when you sleep, you hentai bastard!” Miroku bellowed.

Inuyasha stuck out his tongue as he headed out the door. “You’re ass is soooo mine, dude. Just you wait!”

Miroku slumped to the ground as the door slammed behind the hanyou.

“Dammit, I am so fucked,” He muttered.

“Oh, I really hope so,” Inuyasha’s conscience said, winking at him, and Miroku winced before glaring at Sango as she and Kagome hopped off of him.

“Kouga, hand me the damn notebook. I’ve got a few requests of my own to make…”