rate_review Reviews

I would like to see a sequel story to this because I want to see her see her family again I know she really misses them in the story and I'd like to see them reunited

This was such a beautiful story. Definately my fav on here. You should think of posting it on ff.net or ao3 as well. Thank you so much for sharing this.

I thought the story was excellent until it got all Oedipus. You are a great writer but please flag so people can choose if they want to read that kinda ick

Great job Libra I enjoyed your story and read it to completion until 4am lol. Hope you get to writing new stories eventually it's been 2 years already hehe. I understand fully though. Thank you for this one for sure.

Arry

You have some very original and promising ideas, and a fairly good grasp for writing. The plot line is interesting and flows fairly well, and for an AFF story, this is quite good. But there is still a lot of room for growth and I for one would be more than happy to see your writing continue to flourish and grow.
Maybe it's asking too much for a site that is mostly for literary smut, but there are many points that still require improvement in your work that could turn this promising story into an amazing read, and I hope you don't take too harshly to my criticism, because I really just want to see your work reflecting the potential, devotion, and skill you seem to have that is yet unrealized.

Here are a few tips to target:
1. Realism: Even though this is a fantasy work and not really canon, the story still has a distinct cultural and historical context that must be maintained. Doing so allows your readers to better involve themselves in the story and enriches the plot. For one letters L and V do not exist in Japanese and their sounds are replaced by R and B respectively, a romanized name like Naylor would be virutally impossible, especially in the Feudal Era. And if you want to be a real history buff, names of nobility would probably have 2 or more kanji and often more tahn 3 syllables and possibly end with -maru, -mi, or -yo as they were names reserved for samurai and nobles. Similarly you sometimes mentioned items like a western bed (unless you meant "west" as China, as it was called back then ie: Sesshoumaru really was likely a prince of China but that's going pretty far into history) that would not exist (as the Europeans hadn't yet arrived in Japan).
2. Characterization: Perhaps the most important point of all, for without it, a story has little substance. While you do a good job at giving your characters personality. You don't really stay true to that personality. Kagome for example, especially after defeating Naraku, would not be so weak to be defeated by a snake yokai, she also wouldn't have been so quiet and complacent for so long in Sesshoumaru's care. Keeping true to the character is a necessity whether you choose to make them OOC or not. The personality created and mentioned must be maintained within reason for the integrity of the story. Similarly after mentioning how serious, honorable, and intelligent Sesshoumaru is, he would not have forsworn his word or rampaged his home and killed his vassals (a huge stain on the honor) but would more likely be searching for Kagome.
3. Plot development: You do a really good just at setting up the plot and getting the reader interested, but there were too many points where the delivery was a little lacking. Kagome's interactions with her friends, Sesshoumaru, the nobles, and the various interesting situations she found herself in would best be elaborated in order to better move your story, add substance, and create further meaning for your readers.

I'm replying to your review with a review of my own.

I actually did read this story a while ago and it is one of my favorites.

~ * ~

And I know that there isn't supposed to be a summary after you click read story, I'm not an idiot. But I do apologize if the text was misleading

But I did post in the Disclaimer above the text that the disclaimer would be chapter 1, the official chapter 1 is posted now as well and I hope you reconsider not reading my story

wow!you're story is somethiin. .

you built such a qood storyline and kishi's character was told in such a descriptive manner, that i feel
you can build a story out of him. .
i'd loovveee that. .to see what happens to him. .

a continuation of some sort.

thank you. . i enjoyed the story so much i finished it after a day and a half.. ;)
job well done

wow!you're story is somethiin. .

you built such a qood storyline and kishi's character was told in such a descriptive manner, that i feel
you can build a story out of him. .
i'd loovveee that. .to see what happens to him. .

a continuation of some sort.

thank you. . i enjoyed the story so much i finished it after a day and a half.. ;)
job well done

I loveed it you did an awesome job, I'm sending this as Missy but in truth you know me in real life...... I love it and keep writing

that was a really well written story thumbs up