schedule
August 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Hello, you wanted grammar pointers – this is more spelling, but here are a few comments/corrections for this first chapter:
(1) you wrote “for gone” instead of “forgone” (it’s one word)
(2) “bazaar” should be “bizarre” (meaning strange, as opposed to “bazaar” which means a type of market/marketplace)
(3)“pearl-essence” should be a single word, “pearlescence” (or could also use “opalescence”)
(4) “corporate” (in the sentence “she could not get her body to corporate” should be “cooperate”)
Other than what are mostly minor spelling/usage errors, this looks like it will be a fun story! I look forward to reading more. Some other thoughts on the execution:
You use the term “miai” throughout the chapter, but you don’t define it anywhere – I can guess what it means from the context (some kind of matchmaking ritual or procedure), but it might be useful to provide a definition in the A/N if you’re going to use non-common foreign terms.
Finally, in my opinion, the thing with Liam’s death was a bit too abrupt: I realize this isn’t a major aspect of the story (or at least I assume it's not going to come back into play), but maybe a tad of explanation (for example, letting the reader know about the cause of the death, or at least some type of details) would make it less choppy.
(1) you wrote “for gone” instead of “forgone” (it’s one word)
(2) “bazaar” should be “bizarre” (meaning strange, as opposed to “bazaar” which means a type of market/marketplace)
(3)“pearl-essence” should be a single word, “pearlescence” (or could also use “opalescence”)
(4) “corporate” (in the sentence “she could not get her body to corporate” should be “cooperate”)
Other than what are mostly minor spelling/usage errors, this looks like it will be a fun story! I look forward to reading more. Some other thoughts on the execution:
You use the term “miai” throughout the chapter, but you don’t define it anywhere – I can guess what it means from the context (some kind of matchmaking ritual or procedure), but it might be useful to provide a definition in the A/N if you’re going to use non-common foreign terms.
Finally, in my opinion, the thing with Liam’s death was a bit too abrupt: I realize this isn’t a major aspect of the story (or at least I assume it's not going to come back into play), but maybe a tad of explanation (for example, letting the reader know about the cause of the death, or at least some type of details) would make it less choppy.
schedule
August 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
nice chapter...
i`m really curious waht the kitsune clan plans to do...maybe sending liams twin to hook up with kags ?? you never know...come on sess make your move ... but he better starts to open up to kags and to know her, cause once she finds out their looking for anyone with miko powers she could become a little bit upset...
one more thing ...its ! moshi moshi ! and not mushi mushi ...mushi means insect ;)
here a good page about japanese culture...marriage ect:
http://www.japaneselifestyle.com.au/culture/culture.html
http://japanese.about.com/od/japaneseculture/Japanese_Culture.htm
i`m really curious waht the kitsune clan plans to do...maybe sending liams twin to hook up with kags ?? you never know...come on sess make your move ... but he better starts to open up to kags and to know her, cause once she finds out their looking for anyone with miko powers she could become a little bit upset...
one more thing ...its ! moshi moshi ! and not mushi mushi ...mushi means insect ;)
here a good page about japanese culture...marriage ect:
http://www.japaneselifestyle.com.au/culture/culture.html
http://japanese.about.com/od/japaneseculture/Japanese_Culture.htm
schedule
August 29, 2008 at 12:00 AM
good chapter!
I have a question : is Liam and his brother were 'real' twins ? I mean are they identical? 'cause, in a way, that could make things even more difficult for kagome. Will you explain later in the story how Liam died? Was he interested in her only for her miko powers at least at first, like are Sesshomaru and his clan?
I can't wait to see what will happen next and what will they do for their second meeting...Will sess be truthfully and tell her of his youkai heritage ?
Please please, update really really soon!!!
I have a question : is Liam and his brother were 'real' twins ? I mean are they identical? 'cause, in a way, that could make things even more difficult for kagome. Will you explain later in the story how Liam died? Was he interested in her only for her miko powers at least at first, like are Sesshomaru and his clan?
I can't wait to see what will happen next and what will they do for their second meeting...Will sess be truthfully and tell her of his youkai heritage ?
Please please, update really really soon!!!
schedule
August 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Damn, girl! An amazing start. And I love you for doing your research! I can't wait to see where you go with this!
schedule
August 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I LOVE this! Such an original idea. Seriously wonderful. I can't fault the grammar etc either so splendid job sweetie! Please continue this, I'd love to see how it ends - in flames or happy ever after. xx
schedule
August 27, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Okay, I have to say that I have never seen this angle persued before and I am dying to see how it progresses. I particularly enjoyed the little hint dropped about her only feeling that way before around Liam and his fam....wonder what that could mean? Anyway, please continue this story because it looks like it may well be on its way to being one of my favorites and this from the first chapter. :) If you have an update email could you please add me to it....Thanks!!! falling_magic@yahoo.com
schedule
August 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Wow what a great idea for a plot...
i`m really curious how kagome`s going to react once she realizes that youkai do exist and that a really powerfull one wants her as his mate.. YAY
..the questions is: is kags really willing to marry a complete stranger so soon after liams death?..
well...i can`t wait to read more very soon
ja ne kagomesirene
i`m really curious how kagome`s going to react once she realizes that youkai do exist and that a really powerfull one wants her as his mate.. YAY
..the questions is: is kags really willing to marry a complete stranger so soon after liams death?..
well...i can`t wait to read more very soon
ja ne kagomesirene
schedule
August 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
A nice start and I look forward to more. I have enjoyed your other story and this one looks like it will be just as good. Thanks!
schedule
August 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
!!@!!11!!!eleven!!!
i adore you and this was amazing, i can completely see what your thinking on all this at least in this first chapter, i cant wait to see more! your always such a talent and i adore you for that, cant wait for more hun, wonderful job! - r0o
i adore you and this was amazing, i can completely see what your thinking on all this at least in this first chapter, i cant wait to see more! your always such a talent and i adore you for that, cant wait for more hun, wonderful job! - r0o
schedule
August 26, 2008 at 12:00 AM
The story start really good its like a old fashion japan meets madorn day scifi, This chapter write beautifully keep the chapters coming.