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April 19, 2016 at 12:00 AM
It's a great story ^^ and am looking forward to reading the next one.
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September 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
this was a great story
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July 1, 2008 at 12:00 AM
I really enjoyed your story. I started reading it in
class today when I came across your new sequel. I
couldn't resist. I actually think I might have read
Love Potion before, but it must have been a long time
ago. Oh well! A good read is always worth another shot!
So I hope writing the sequal goes well and I'll definately
be posting ever so often!
class today when I came across your new sequel. I
couldn't resist. I actually think I might have read
Love Potion before, but it must have been a long time
ago. Oh well! A good read is always worth another shot!
So I hope writing the sequal goes well and I'll definately
be posting ever so often!
schedule
January 30, 2008 at 12:00 AM
gREAT! i loved it! give me the sequal!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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November 13, 2007 at 12:00 AM
okay, Im done reading the story. It was a good plot, and had good ideas. But here comes the constuctive criticism:
1- You state the obvious in ways that make it akward. Like having one character say, or think, he is going to do something and then follow that with a sentence like "so that is what I am going to do". It does not sound believable. It does not sound the way Kagome naturally thinks or talks. You also do this in action sequences. You say "okay Sess does this"... with a following sentence like "here we go, look at sess doig this". (The part of the last chapter with sess looking at kags go to the spring is an example). It is almost as if you are not sure if the wording is originally obvious enough. My advise, is give the reader some credit in putting 2 and 2 together to get 4. Don't just tell us that it equals four. Ya know?
2- some of the actions seemed rushed. Take time to develop plot and character personalities more (without stating the obvious too much). There could have been a scene for Kagura and Kanna when they died and when they came back to life. Why did they die with Naraku? This wasn't explained, just stated as if we are supposed to go...'okay, that's that'.
3- Kouga acted a little less aggressive towards Sess for taking 'his' woman that I would have expected. It was almost as if Kouga gave up. (which is weird to me, given the fact that he could not take no for an answer from kags for a long time)
4- you have great ideas, you need to develop you thoughts better. The thoughts that the characters have seem forced, not entirely natural or flowing. This is where you usually state the obvious. Try to develop you actions inbetween thoughts and spoken lines (like gasps, frowns, inhales deeply, etc. especially during lemons or heavy thinking.
I really like this story and believe that you can do a lot better if you take my advice in a positive way. I am trying to help develop your stories so that they can be better, not crush you spirit. You have a talent, and like most talents, it has to be refined and tuned. best of luck with your other projects. I hope you take these tips to heart.
The Empress
1- You state the obvious in ways that make it akward. Like having one character say, or think, he is going to do something and then follow that with a sentence like "so that is what I am going to do". It does not sound believable. It does not sound the way Kagome naturally thinks or talks. You also do this in action sequences. You say "okay Sess does this"... with a following sentence like "here we go, look at sess doig this". (The part of the last chapter with sess looking at kags go to the spring is an example). It is almost as if you are not sure if the wording is originally obvious enough. My advise, is give the reader some credit in putting 2 and 2 together to get 4. Don't just tell us that it equals four. Ya know?
2- some of the actions seemed rushed. Take time to develop plot and character personalities more (without stating the obvious too much). There could have been a scene for Kagura and Kanna when they died and when they came back to life. Why did they die with Naraku? This wasn't explained, just stated as if we are supposed to go...'okay, that's that'.
3- Kouga acted a little less aggressive towards Sess for taking 'his' woman that I would have expected. It was almost as if Kouga gave up. (which is weird to me, given the fact that he could not take no for an answer from kags for a long time)
4- you have great ideas, you need to develop you thoughts better. The thoughts that the characters have seem forced, not entirely natural or flowing. This is where you usually state the obvious. Try to develop you actions inbetween thoughts and spoken lines (like gasps, frowns, inhales deeply, etc. especially during lemons or heavy thinking.
I really like this story and believe that you can do a lot better if you take my advice in a positive way. I am trying to help develop your stories so that they can be better, not crush you spirit. You have a talent, and like most talents, it has to be refined and tuned. best of luck with your other projects. I hope you take these tips to heart.
The Empress
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November 12, 2007 at 12:00 AM
At the end of chapter 17, you write:
"He leaned over her shoulder to her mating mark and as his seed spilled he bit her again".
But, in chapter 11, where they "mate", for the only other time, he doesn't bite her. This is something that has to be fixed, clarified, or written into the story. I think the ending of the lemon in chapter 11 was a little rushed, but that is jsut my opinion. It is a good story so far though. I am enjoying it. I have waited a long time for this story to be finished.. I am so happy it is now O.o
"He leaned over her shoulder to her mating mark and as his seed spilled he bit her again".
But, in chapter 11, where they "mate", for the only other time, he doesn't bite her. This is something that has to be fixed, clarified, or written into the story. I think the ending of the lemon in chapter 11 was a little rushed, but that is jsut my opinion. It is a good story so far though. I am enjoying it. I have waited a long time for this story to be finished.. I am so happy it is now O.o
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May 22, 2007 at 12:00 AM
please write the sequal!!! I was very good and I want to see if they get back together in the future!!!
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May 20, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Most definately a great story! I look forward to the sequal please let me know if you do it or if someone else is going to pick it up I want to know what's in store for all of them. Great job!!
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May 20, 2007 at 12:00 AM
hey chickie...my name is katie and i would love to work with you and do the sequel of love potion...get a hold of me and let me know...email me at this address ferreirak16@mounties.mansfield.edu and lets talk about trying this out...i was writing a story but i lost intrest in it but this fic is amazing...there are SO MANY THINGS that can be done with it...i think we should give it a try ;) let me know muahs
-Katie
-Katie
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April 18, 2007 at 12:00 AM
can't wait for the next story