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December 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG You really need to update this! It's sounds like it will be a really awsome story!!!
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December 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
this is a good story'[]
;lkjredsxnfmg,.ihuytgrfdsdchjhgbyn yhujnb uyh jbng7uy jh,mnbu.ijh nbvf c dfgthewdf vbz`1
;lkjredsxnfmg,.ihuytgrfdsdchjhgbyn yhujnb uyh jbng7uy jh,mnbu.ijh nbvf c dfgthewdf vbz`1
schedule
December 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
hope you update soon!
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December 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
ok, i liked it, but i really really am hopefull (though it might not be your plan) that you will make the ghost leave him, in whatever way before they actually have sex. i would hate to have that happen to me!
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December 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I LOVE THIS FIRST CHAPTER BUT YOUR TAKING SO LONG TO WRITE A NEW ONE PMSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!
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November 29, 2005 at 12:00 AM
For a first lemon I'd have to say that was some pretty hot stuff. I've been having a hard time finding good InuKag smut these days, or good smut at all, so this was quite a refreshing discovery. I believe we slightly know we other from Green Tea Forums, Niamh's now defunct messageboard. Anyway, there weren't too many spelling errors at all. I do have some suggestions and critiques, though.
1- How did the elder know Kagome was a miko? She generally travels wearing her school uniform. Only those who are specifically told/shown that she has miko powers would know she has them; otherwise the average person from the Sengoku Jidai will think she is just a girl in weird clothes.
2- Your transitions to and from flashbacks are really, really bad. What I mean is, it's poor form to use (flashback) and (end flashback) to mark where a flashback begins and ends, respsectively. It's very amateurish, and there are a lot of readers out there who will stop reading a fic at the first appearance of such a thing. To be truthful, I probably would have just clicked the back button if your fic hadn't been so decently written and intriguing up until that point. I was too interested to just stop. There's got to be a better way to transition to and from a flashback, though, that you could utilise. Some people put flashbacks in italics, some set them off in their own sections with separators much like the ones used in between scenes, and still others simply retell the flashback as if the character is recalling a memory. Whatever path you choose is up to you, but I strongly caution you against further using (flashback) and (end flashback).
3- You have a lot of run on sentences when connecting narrative with dialogue. for example, this selection from the first section:
He shrugged lazily before starting down the path, "There's a village up ahead. Let's get out of this goddamn rain. I'm tired of being fucking soaked."
That should be a period/full stop after 'path', not a comma. There are times when you can join dialogue and narrative together without a speech verb to connect them, but it's a very particular stylistic device that shouldn't be improperly used. I see a lot of writers in fanfiction make this mistake, so don't feel too bad about it. But I've noted it for you so that you are aware of it.
You might benefit from a beta reader who can quickly scan over your chapters and fix up minor errors like this, as well as spelling/grammar errors. Unfortunately we are not always our best own beta reader; we almost always overlook things, then find them two months down the road and smack our foreheads with a groan ^__^;; It looks like it's just for technicalities that you would really need a beta reader. You have a firm grasp on how to write a good, smooth narrative, your smut is nice and hot, and from what I can tell, it looks like you know where this story is going. I am looking forward to additional installments of this story, and I do hope you pimp them on the inuyasha_fanfic community on LJ, which is how I came across this fic in the first place.
I would also be interested if you were to pimp it at iy_ecchi_style on LJ, an LJ community I own that is devoted to the smuttier side of Inuyasha fanfiction. It's not that active, but you're liable to get some new readers from it.
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Numisma
1- How did the elder know Kagome was a miko? She generally travels wearing her school uniform. Only those who are specifically told/shown that she has miko powers would know she has them; otherwise the average person from the Sengoku Jidai will think she is just a girl in weird clothes.
2- Your transitions to and from flashbacks are really, really bad. What I mean is, it's poor form to use (flashback) and (end flashback) to mark where a flashback begins and ends, respsectively. It's very amateurish, and there are a lot of readers out there who will stop reading a fic at the first appearance of such a thing. To be truthful, I probably would have just clicked the back button if your fic hadn't been so decently written and intriguing up until that point. I was too interested to just stop. There's got to be a better way to transition to and from a flashback, though, that you could utilise. Some people put flashbacks in italics, some set them off in their own sections with separators much like the ones used in between scenes, and still others simply retell the flashback as if the character is recalling a memory. Whatever path you choose is up to you, but I strongly caution you against further using (flashback) and (end flashback).
3- You have a lot of run on sentences when connecting narrative with dialogue. for example, this selection from the first section:
He shrugged lazily before starting down the path, "There's a village up ahead. Let's get out of this goddamn rain. I'm tired of being fucking soaked."
That should be a period/full stop after 'path', not a comma. There are times when you can join dialogue and narrative together without a speech verb to connect them, but it's a very particular stylistic device that shouldn't be improperly used. I see a lot of writers in fanfiction make this mistake, so don't feel too bad about it. But I've noted it for you so that you are aware of it.
You might benefit from a beta reader who can quickly scan over your chapters and fix up minor errors like this, as well as spelling/grammar errors. Unfortunately we are not always our best own beta reader; we almost always overlook things, then find them two months down the road and smack our foreheads with a groan ^__^;; It looks like it's just for technicalities that you would really need a beta reader. You have a firm grasp on how to write a good, smooth narrative, your smut is nice and hot, and from what I can tell, it looks like you know where this story is going. I am looking forward to additional installments of this story, and I do hope you pimp them on the inuyasha_fanfic community on LJ, which is how I came across this fic in the first place.
I would also be interested if you were to pimp it at iy_ecchi_style on LJ, an LJ community I own that is devoted to the smuttier side of Inuyasha fanfiction. It's not that active, but you're liable to get some new readers from it.
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Numisma
schedule
November 27, 2005 at 12:00 AM
very good for a first lemon PLZZZZ update i want more dammit :p
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November 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
AY! wats up? just wanted 2 say dat this is an interestin story an to puhlezz ask 2 hurry up wid da next chapters i wanna know wat inuyasha is ganna do kk soo plzz hurry well gadda go kk choa!!
schedule
November 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ack!!! post again!! Soon! I just GOT to know what happens the morning after. (PS and drop me a line when you post???)
schedule
November 19, 2005 at 12:00 AM
hey nice story... please update meh... soon after you post the next chapter.... :)