rate_review Reviews

Like a beautiful painting, a well oiled machine. Like the shifting winds ever so subtle. Your story is a work of art. Brillient really. The first that I have read so far that is constructed thus so. Great work. Looking forward to your update.

Unfortunately, since I am on webtv I do not have the luxury of having a "spell checker" - it isn't that I cant spell, it's just a typo that happened and I didn't catch it. Actually, I can defend every word you pointed out and why they were used and so forth. Starting with ---

"Pampered" - used for the purpose of lightly tapping against; I didn't want Sesshomaru to dig, grind, or stomp at the dirt.

"sire" - can mean create and not necessarily meaning to have a child. For example from the series Buffy the Vampire Slayer: "Darla sired Angel..."

"leer" - okay...should have put eyes instead of head. I'm glad you actually know what it means since I had some argue with me over what it meant >.<

"pallid" - use to describe that the blue sky was lacking in color. So, I actually wasn't using it as a noun

"detestment" - I had changed that word in my notebook and I forgot to do it while going back through my post. But anyway...I meant something else.

"raped his nostrils" - just used in stressing the effect

"incense" - aroma, scent, odor

And, I meant to use permeate...I looked at the word wrong >.<
Some of them are just mess ups on my part as far as spelling >.> I write most of this at the crack of dawn so I'm not exacly fully awake.

"Diseased" - sick, sickly, ill, ect.

I'll go back through it >.< Thanks for making specific points ^.^

Getting past the unbelievable purpleness of your prose, I think the problem here is that you're using words incorrectly. A lot of them. When people complain about your writing, it's not that you're using frasmodic pericombobulations, but that you're using them interfrastically.

This list of things you need to work on is just chapter 1; I can do the others for you if you like. Believe it or not, I'm not out to make you miserable, just to impress upon you the direness of what you've done here, and offer ways to improve it.

- "pampered" is not something boots do to the ground
- it's spelled "yeArning"
- nostril raping is just OMG FUNNY
- nestle in what, exactly?
- heads don't leer; that's something eyes do
- "pallid" is an adjective, not a noun
- do gusts clump? If so, how?
- ambling =/= daunting stride
- diseased =/= uneasy
- "usher" is something you do to someone else
- "erherging" is not a word in the English language
- neither is "detestment"
- nor is "prominate"
- incense =/= scent
- "sire a mate"... siring means to procreate, not marry; he wants a husband/wife, not a kid
- "gregarious" means good-natured, which is absolutely *not* what Sesshoumaru is feeling
- "tasted" is used in the form of "tasted of" not "tasted with"
- "inticement" is not a word in the English language

I hope you take my advice as such, and not a flame, because I do like that you're breaking away from trite and rote overuse of bland, everyday words. But please do use a spell-check and for the love of god, have a dictionary by you that you use *every time* you choose to employ another unusual word. Otherwise you just look like English is your second (or even third) language.

If you can't offer something constructive or a reason along with why you don't like my story, then please don't bother leaving a note here. I will delete it.

I think Sesshomaru's sanity has gotten up and left the room, and he's taking Inuyasha's with him.

D_

Okay first off, this story doesn't work for me at all.
You need to put down the thesaurus, and pace yourself from looking at it again. Your overuse of adjectives is killing my concentration of this story, and well I think it kills the story itself too. And most of all your word choice for things seems either awkward, contrived, or just not within context at all. Sometimes I couldn't help but burst out in laughter at how strange and convoluted things sounded. And I'm sure this story isn't a comedy. And where's the plot? I have to sift through all the garbled overloaded adjectives just to see what the hell is going on.
The characters are completely out of character. Your justification for Sesshoumaru's desires for his brother are so totally unbelievable. And Inuyasha seems like a major doormat in this. I can't believe he wouldn't resist his brother's advances more than that. Did you give Inuyasha a personality at all, or is he just some meek little doll your Sesshoumaru-pornstar-emoStu can fuck? I would think Inuyasha would rather kill himself then let Sesshoumaru do those things to him. And the dialogue, Oh my, where do I start. Like I said, OOC. Sesshoumaru doesn't care about love, and you haven't given him a solid progression of characterization to have him feel love anyway.
This story is so farfetched and unoriginal. I think you need to start over.

Thank you for expressing your opinion...as ignorant as it did come across. As I have mentioned to someone prior, I do not like blan and over-generalized words. I'm sorry if you don't understand them. Nor do I have a thesaurus glued to me as you so make it out to seem. I have yet to even dip into the core of this story and I don't plan on rushing into it. I assure you there is one and a damn good one at that. As far as dialogue is concerned, I don't feel there needs to be an abundance of it. Short snipets is fine and it gets to the point. Perhaps you also didn't catch the word "insanity" in the summary of this entire story. Insanity can do anything to anyone...including Sesshomaru. I'm building up to a hell-storm to come and believe me, it's not going to have a happliy-ever-after-ending.

Bloody awesome. That last line of Sesshoumaru's? Pure classic. You rule. That was a great chapter. I look forward sooooo much to the next one.

continue please! more!

Nice story, I like the point of view; you kind of know what Sess is doing but not totally.

D_