rate_review Reviews

Hi!! I think this fic is... extrangely seductive. You know, the situation is so ankward, and, yet, it feels so... arousing. you knoe, your writing is wonderfu. Please continue writing soon.
and please I'm sorry for my horrible English, but I'm not an English speaker.
Bye!!

Hi!! I think this fic is... extrangely seductive. You know, the situation is so awkward, and, yet, it feels so... arousing. you know, your writing is wonderful. Please continue writing soon. I'll be reading you.
And please I'm sorry for my worse than awful English, but I'm not an English speaker. In fact, I have only been studying English for a year and a half, but I don't think you made so much mistakes as the other say. I could understand you, what is more than the most of times I am able to.
Bye!!
By the way, my real name is Patricia (I'm Spanish), and I think you don't need a beta, you need that application in the "word", you know, that which corrects your grammar and underline mistakes.
Sorry for the long rewiew, but... are you going to make Sesshomaru totally insane? And Inuyasha, is he going to accept his brother's advances?

Knarly! That 'twas awesome. Great chapter. ^_^ So cool. I can't wait for the next one. ^_^

could you just please update!!!

I actually have someone who has been checking through my story for me and is guiding me along. Sad to say, we have only gotten up and through the first few chapters, but the changes are coming along at a decent pace. We're both extremely busy...

I have debated the uses of the words leered and pampered I dont know how many times - they are being used in the right context. "Leered" has nothing to do with anything sexually. "Pampered" can be used in replace of caress, grace, ect. Maybe I should just use "canoodle" somewhere...

I do appreciate your opinoins/views/knowledge, ect.

Chibi-Porunga,

Put down the purple crayon, you're scribbling all over your prose.

Words and phrases that I take issue with:

slendered: this is not a word, but a contrived variation. The correct word would be ‘narrowed’.

‘vivid annoyance’: the word ‘vivid’ usually refers to the colors or scene one is witnessing with the eyes. I have never seen it used in this context and find it quite awkward.

Leer: a leer is a sidelong glance that is given to a person that you disgust or are having sexual thoughts about.

Pallid: A lack of color, pale. I believe you meant, ‘pallet’. That is what a painter places his oil paints on. Or a pallet can be an illustrated guide to colors. (French spelling ‘pallete’)

mirrored on the horizon: the word ‘mirrored’ does not make sense. Try ‘loomed’.

Darn it! I wrote this huge long review and that's all that came through on my copy/paste! *sigh* My point was, that a beta can help you with where and when to put the appropriate words without sounding redundant. There is a limit to how far you can stretch the english vocabulary and AFF's beta's can help. I like your style, but can't handle the enormous amount of word misusage. I couldn't get beyond the first chapter and would love to read your fic after you've had it beta'd. Feel free to email me when you have done so.

Thanks

I am expecting company, so real fast. It is not just the technical definition of a word that you must consider when placing it, but the context:

Examples of word usage

Used:

Pampered
Her pampered life had left her spoiled, untrained, and too soft to live the rugged life of an adventurous demon slayer in search of the illusive pieces needed to make the Shikon No Tama whole once again.

Alternative:

Padded
Using all the tools of stealth at his disposal, Sesshoumaru stalked his prey with deathly silence as his feet padded soundlessly over the snow covered forest floor.

Used:

Leered
The drooling three-eyed demon leered with disgust at the alluring son of the Lord Inu-Taisho.

Suggestion:

Sesshoumaru ‘turned his gaze’ to the pale blue sky, bereft of spring’s many colored pallet.

Used

Pallid:

The dull, pallid flesh of a dead man is not what a young woman would want looking back at her from a mirror.

Suggested:

Pallet
Pallets filled with a plethora of colors are used by many women to brighten the pallid flesh of aging skin.


One other thing that didn’t make it in the last post and I do not know if it has been address. A human that is brought over as a vampire is the child of the one who made him/her. As such, they are a newborn, sired by an older, stronger vampire. Hence, the reference on Buffy. To sire is to create a being in the animalistic sense of raising horses, cattle, etc.

Wow, all I can say at the moment is WOW.

D_