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schedule
September 2, 2006 at 12:00 AM
good chapter...though I'm a bit confused. Did they have sex at the end of chapter 2?
schedule
September 2, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Wow, I love this story soo much, I decided to read it a second time...or is this my third. I can't wait 'til you finish the sequel. I haven't started that one yet because I don't like too read incomplete stories. At least at this point I have some sense of closure. But I could have sworn there was a lemon at the end on chapter two.... It might be my computer, but I have noticed a few different stories are missing section throughout the AFF.N database. I can't be sure since I'm not the author, but it maybe something you want to look into. But still great story. Finish Camaradrie soon. ^-^
schedule
September 1, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Good job with the fics. I really am pleased to have taken the time to read them. You managed to write Sesshomaru and Inuyasha in character with a splash of actual romance. I have a tough time myself doing that. Congrats on that and thanks. If you have an update soon, lets see it.
schedule
August 19, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Ah, I promised to look for the adverbs in Fraternal. I was going to email this to you, but I thought that maybe others might benefit from it. It was as I suspected. There are almost no adverbs in all but the lemon. Actually, there might not be even one outside of the lemon.
I only take the time to do something like this for authors who impress me so much with their work that I strive to learn how to better my own writing by finding those things in their stories that I might use to improve my own writing. For example, this just made the lemon so powerful: “/So hot… and wet… dear god…” That stole my breath. That is the kind of thing that makes me want to search for something original to make my lemons more sensuous. Sensuous describes what you are able to do. You don’t just give us a detailed fuck. You give us sensuality at its best. *deep sigh* I can only hope to duplicate something like that.
Adverbs are only a small thing. They are just something that I have used to my advantage by trying to replace them with something more vivid. Any time that you see an adverb, there is an opportunity to enhance your lines. Yeah, look at them as an opportunity, not a problem.
Below, I have copied and pasted quite a few of the sentences with adverbs. Some are awkward, some not. But, I thought that I could give examples of how I would try to avoid the adverbs which forces me to be more creative. Eh, maybe I’m just a bit geeky, but I really do think that it adds to the story and makes sentences less awkward so that they flow much better. It’s very late, so don’t expect me to be exceptionally creative. Here goes.
And then, as silent as he had first approached, Sesshomaru went to Inuyasha again and, burying his hand in his hair, grabbed him by the back of the head and kissed his mouth (crushingly).
[[And then, as silent as he had first approached, Sesshomaru went to Inuyasha again, burying his hand in his brother’s hair, and grabbing him by the back of the head, crushing their mouths together in a bruising kiss.]]
The waters of the lake licked (coolly) against his hot skin…
[[The cool waters of the lake licked against his hot skin…]]
… breathing (rapidly) on his neck.
[[dewing his skin with rapid breaths]]
…Inuyasha rolled over into a crouch, coming up with his own lip curled, his eyes flashing dangerously. wrapping his legs more (tightly) around Sesshomaru
[[…as he secured his legs in a vice grip]]
He picked up a rhythm as he thrust down against Inuyasha, and his brother reached up his hands and traced invisible patterns across Sesshomaru’s face and chest as he moaned (wantonly) in between the kisses he pressed to Sesshomaru’s lips and face.
[[…Between wanton moans and kisses, his brother reached up and traced invisible patterns across Sesshoumaru’s face and chest.]]
Inuyasha smirked and leaned down to kiss him on the tip of his nose, while at the same time settling himself (more firmly) onto Sesshomaru….
Pleasure washed through Inuyasha as he felt Sesshomaru pressed against that spot inside of him, and Sesshomaru moaned as he felt himself taken (more fully) inside his brother
[[The above two sentences have ‘more’ used in conjunction with the adverbs. Be wary of that. I’m too tired to re-arrange those.]]
He buried his head in the junction of Sesshomaru’s neck and shoulder and breathed (raggedly) as desire flooded him.
[[Inuyasha’s breaths were ragged as he buried his head in the junction of Sesshoumaru’s neck and shoulder.]]
“You never answered my question,” Inuyasha finally whispered, his ears twitching as he listened to the beating of his brother’s heart, his voice (unnaturally) loud in the silent night
[[his voice reverberating through the silent stillness of the night like shattering glass echoing off the walls of a deserted mansion.]]
Sesshomaru’s lip curled (reflexively) in a snarl.
[[Without a moment’s thought, Sesshoumaru’s lip curled up into a snarl, his arm a blur as he grabbed the half-breed by the throat, and like a ragdoll, slung his sibling over his head, tossing Inuyasha onto the grassy bank of the lake.---Using the word blur also gives motion to the snarl.]]
Inuyasha rolled over into a crouch, coming up with his own lip curled and his eyes flashing (dangerously).
[[Danger lurked behind flashing golden orbs as Inuyasha rolled into a crouch and came up with his own snarl, his lips curled up, showing the gleam of bared fangs.]]
As I said previously, avoiding adverbs forces the author to be more creative with description. Yeah, it’s time consuming and a real pain in the ass, but I think that the examples might show what I mean. Except for the adverbs, everything is just so perfect; too perfect for me not to try to help in that one area.
It’s after midnight and I’m babbling. Please don’t be angry. *sits on knees with forehead on the floor and begs* Heheh, I’m gonna go read some more of your fics and hope that it energizes me to actually write on my own fics.
Hugs and kisses,
Snowfall aka Hanyou Slave
I only take the time to do something like this for authors who impress me so much with their work that I strive to learn how to better my own writing by finding those things in their stories that I might use to improve my own writing. For example, this just made the lemon so powerful: “/So hot… and wet… dear god…” That stole my breath. That is the kind of thing that makes me want to search for something original to make my lemons more sensuous. Sensuous describes what you are able to do. You don’t just give us a detailed fuck. You give us sensuality at its best. *deep sigh* I can only hope to duplicate something like that.
Adverbs are only a small thing. They are just something that I have used to my advantage by trying to replace them with something more vivid. Any time that you see an adverb, there is an opportunity to enhance your lines. Yeah, look at them as an opportunity, not a problem.
Below, I have copied and pasted quite a few of the sentences with adverbs. Some are awkward, some not. But, I thought that I could give examples of how I would try to avoid the adverbs which forces me to be more creative. Eh, maybe I’m just a bit geeky, but I really do think that it adds to the story and makes sentences less awkward so that they flow much better. It’s very late, so don’t expect me to be exceptionally creative. Here goes.
And then, as silent as he had first approached, Sesshomaru went to Inuyasha again and, burying his hand in his hair, grabbed him by the back of the head and kissed his mouth (crushingly).
[[And then, as silent as he had first approached, Sesshomaru went to Inuyasha again, burying his hand in his brother’s hair, and grabbing him by the back of the head, crushing their mouths together in a bruising kiss.]]
The waters of the lake licked (coolly) against his hot skin…
[[The cool waters of the lake licked against his hot skin…]]
… breathing (rapidly) on his neck.
[[dewing his skin with rapid breaths]]
…Inuyasha rolled over into a crouch, coming up with his own lip curled, his eyes flashing dangerously. wrapping his legs more (tightly) around Sesshomaru
[[…as he secured his legs in a vice grip]]
He picked up a rhythm as he thrust down against Inuyasha, and his brother reached up his hands and traced invisible patterns across Sesshomaru’s face and chest as he moaned (wantonly) in between the kisses he pressed to Sesshomaru’s lips and face.
[[…Between wanton moans and kisses, his brother reached up and traced invisible patterns across Sesshoumaru’s face and chest.]]
Inuyasha smirked and leaned down to kiss him on the tip of his nose, while at the same time settling himself (more firmly) onto Sesshomaru….
Pleasure washed through Inuyasha as he felt Sesshomaru pressed against that spot inside of him, and Sesshomaru moaned as he felt himself taken (more fully) inside his brother
[[The above two sentences have ‘more’ used in conjunction with the adverbs. Be wary of that. I’m too tired to re-arrange those.]]
He buried his head in the junction of Sesshomaru’s neck and shoulder and breathed (raggedly) as desire flooded him.
[[Inuyasha’s breaths were ragged as he buried his head in the junction of Sesshoumaru’s neck and shoulder.]]
“You never answered my question,” Inuyasha finally whispered, his ears twitching as he listened to the beating of his brother’s heart, his voice (unnaturally) loud in the silent night
[[his voice reverberating through the silent stillness of the night like shattering glass echoing off the walls of a deserted mansion.]]
Sesshomaru’s lip curled (reflexively) in a snarl.
[[Without a moment’s thought, Sesshoumaru’s lip curled up into a snarl, his arm a blur as he grabbed the half-breed by the throat, and like a ragdoll, slung his sibling over his head, tossing Inuyasha onto the grassy bank of the lake.---Using the word blur also gives motion to the snarl.]]
Inuyasha rolled over into a crouch, coming up with his own lip curled and his eyes flashing (dangerously).
[[Danger lurked behind flashing golden orbs as Inuyasha rolled into a crouch and came up with his own snarl, his lips curled up, showing the gleam of bared fangs.]]
As I said previously, avoiding adverbs forces the author to be more creative with description. Yeah, it’s time consuming and a real pain in the ass, but I think that the examples might show what I mean. Except for the adverbs, everything is just so perfect; too perfect for me not to try to help in that one area.
It’s after midnight and I’m babbling. Please don’t be angry. *sits on knees with forehead on the floor and begs* Heheh, I’m gonna go read some more of your fics and hope that it energizes me to actually write on my own fics.
Hugs and kisses,
Snowfall aka Hanyou Slave
schedule
August 19, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Eh, I told you I was tired. There is a screw up in my review with the crouching/snarling and the legs/tightly. Sorry about that.
Snow
Snow
schedule
January 3, 2006 at 12:00 AM
i don't know why you haven't recieved more reviews for this one! it's such a good story. well thought out and well written. the smut is HOT but the story is just as exciting. write more fics! i command it! (^_^)
schedule
December 19, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMFG!
This is such a great fic! I love how you have Inu and Sess interacting here, and I loved when Chernobog cast the fear spell and he and Inuyasha were trapped the fire! That was just awomse!
I can't wait until you update Camaraderie now more than ever! This is just fucking unbelievable writing!
^_^^_^! - (I Love Twins!)
This is such a great fic! I love how you have Inu and Sess interacting here, and I loved when Chernobog cast the fear spell and he and Inuyasha were trapped the fire! That was just awomse!
I can't wait until you update Camaraderie now more than ever! This is just fucking unbelievable writing!
^_^^_^! - (I Love Twins!)
schedule
November 11, 2005 at 12:00 AM
can't wait to read the seqel
schedule
October 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This was actually BETTER then i thought...I liked it very much..Too bad, You didn't countinue with how the rest of the journey will be when Sess joins Inu..Now, that would be a fun read..
I have yet too see a Story that's about Seey joining Inu where the two are a pair...
Very good story...Enjoyed it very much..
I have yet too see a Story that's about Seey joining Inu where the two are a pair...
Very good story...Enjoyed it very much..
schedule
September 29, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This is probably the best Inu/Sesshy fic I've ever read. I loved the plot even though the whole new relatives stuff is a bit overused these days. You're an Inuyasha fan but waited for the English os the movie to come out? Poor thing, another fan contaminated by crappy English dubbing. I'll look forward to whatever other stories you write^_^.