schedule
September 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
that was ment to be ' in ' the same fanfic heh sorry about that :) ^_^ heh heh heh grate fic!!!!!!!!! once again thank you and bye byes ^_______________________________^ heh
schedule
August 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
heheh...love it!!
Gods they know how to have some enticing sex don't they?
*dies* I am deprived...
Waiting for more..
Sel~
Gods they know how to have some enticing sex don't they?
*dies* I am deprived...
Waiting for more..
Sel~
schedule
August 23, 2005 at 12:00 AM
this is awesome!!!! please update.
schedule
August 22, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ooooj, nice last two lemons!!!
schedule
August 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
very well done. i loved the new chapter. I'd love to see it like that again. hehe, Update soon. ^__^
schedule
August 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
i LOVED this chapter! HAHAHAHA! Poor inuyasha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
schedule
August 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I read the premise for this story and was excited. I saw the star rating and was excited. I got to the first chapter and was slightly disappointed. You have an amazing storyline here but your writing style left A LOT to be desired.
First off there isn’t a whole lot of detail explaining as to why and how both Inuyasha and Sesshomaru came upon Kagome and why they were so drawn to her. Kagome’s demon transformation was also rather sudden and with not much of an explanation, except that the brothers claimed her. Overall the story is just lacking in detail, it really needs some fleshing out to make it flow better. The events are so choppy and happen so very quickly, there’s no real flow or reason/explanation for it all.
Secondly, your characters are slipping in and out of “character”. One moment Sesshomaru has a very regal sound/look in his dialogue and the next it’s extremely casual… too casual. He is the Lord of the Western Lands and always has an air of propriety and regal grace about him. Yes, he can relax in private settings but ever since the day he was born, he was raised as such. And if you feel that’s not how you want to have him characterized in your story, then you need to leave a warning and also lay the ground work for that in your story so it makes sense. As for Inuyasha his character is just about spot on. You have him being rather shy in some situations that he normally wouldn’t be but that’s not all that big of a deal. However, Kagome’s characterization leaves A LOT to be desired. She is a young, independent, modern-age woman. In my opinion [please keep in mind that this is all just my opinion] she would not have bent to their will so quickly and easily. Kagome is just being extremely accepting of too many things, of everything.
- Of being chased and fighting off these two virtual strangers
- Having begun the mating process with said strangers
- Becoming a demon
- In the end having to mate with these two
- Falling asleep in their presence so early on [I believe she fell asleep and woke up in a new room]
All of the above are just so very unlikely. Granted, this is FanFiction but there should be some story flow.
A lot of other things I noticed was very pedestrian like sentences and clipped dialogue. There wasn’t a whole lot of flow to it all. You could really benefit from the use of a skilled beta and brainstorming partner [who could also double as your beta]
As I said before, you have an amazing storyline going here but it needs some work. I am looking forward to reading more in the future and I hope you take this review as constructive criticism and not a flame. Also feel free to email me, if you'd like to talk to me further.
First off there isn’t a whole lot of detail explaining as to why and how both Inuyasha and Sesshomaru came upon Kagome and why they were so drawn to her. Kagome’s demon transformation was also rather sudden and with not much of an explanation, except that the brothers claimed her. Overall the story is just lacking in detail, it really needs some fleshing out to make it flow better. The events are so choppy and happen so very quickly, there’s no real flow or reason/explanation for it all.
Secondly, your characters are slipping in and out of “character”. One moment Sesshomaru has a very regal sound/look in his dialogue and the next it’s extremely casual… too casual. He is the Lord of the Western Lands and always has an air of propriety and regal grace about him. Yes, he can relax in private settings but ever since the day he was born, he was raised as such. And if you feel that’s not how you want to have him characterized in your story, then you need to leave a warning and also lay the ground work for that in your story so it makes sense. As for Inuyasha his character is just about spot on. You have him being rather shy in some situations that he normally wouldn’t be but that’s not all that big of a deal. However, Kagome’s characterization leaves A LOT to be desired. She is a young, independent, modern-age woman. In my opinion [please keep in mind that this is all just my opinion] she would not have bent to their will so quickly and easily. Kagome is just being extremely accepting of too many things, of everything.
- Of being chased and fighting off these two virtual strangers
- Having begun the mating process with said strangers
- Becoming a demon
- In the end having to mate with these two
- Falling asleep in their presence so early on [I believe she fell asleep and woke up in a new room]
All of the above are just so very unlikely. Granted, this is FanFiction but there should be some story flow.
A lot of other things I noticed was very pedestrian like sentences and clipped dialogue. There wasn’t a whole lot of flow to it all. You could really benefit from the use of a skilled beta and brainstorming partner [who could also double as your beta]
As I said before, you have an amazing storyline going here but it needs some work. I am looking forward to reading more in the future and I hope you take this review as constructive criticism and not a flame. Also feel free to email me, if you'd like to talk to me further.
schedule
August 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Ooo, I really liked the citrus in this chapter. Poor Kagome all tied up and frustrated! I wonder how she'll get the Inu-brothers back? *larged, hentai grin plastered on reviewer's face* Update soon!
schedule
August 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
YAY an update. i loved it. hated/loved the cliffie. i only hated it cause now i gotta wait for the next chapter. but great place to leave off at. ^_______^ update soon. please.
schedule
August 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
it needs a little grammar work, but othere than that it was really good.
ps... if u need editing help ask 4 an editor... w/e. it's still an awesome story! ~.o
ps... if u need editing help ask 4 an editor... w/e. it's still an awesome story! ~.o