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schedule
December 3, 2006 at 12:00 AM
This is an excellent story and well written. I do hope that you continue. What a cliff hanger!
Snow
Snow
schedule
September 21, 2006 at 12:00 AM
^-^ I must say it didn't take long for me to fall in love with this story. I cried my eyes out through the first half and to be completely honest, it's not easy to make me cry. You're a very talented writer and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Keep up the good work!
schedule
February 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 2 - Pretty good so far. I liked the general idea of this story. I also have to congratulate you on not making Sesshomaru out of character. *gives you a cookie* Most authors just change and mold the characters' mannerisms to fit their fics (i.e. having anyone fall for Kagome in two chapters - no substance). I'm happy that Sesshomaru still has both arms too. ^o^ They say that that makes the stories easier to write.
The only suggestions I really have are, for one - giving Shippou, Sango and Miroku more of a voice. I know that this is only the second chapter, and that the story is centered around Sesshomaru, Kagome and Inuyasha, but they seem to be just floating. Just following after Kagome and Inuyasha without a thought.
Another is that you might want to proof read. Some of your wording is repetitive (i.e.: "...the hand retreated back...") and you're using 'he', and it's variations, a lot. It's clear that you're talking about Sesshomaru in the the second segment of paragrahs, but the constant 'he'/'his' gets repetitive (i.e.: "...Every part of his body ached. He pushed himself up from the soft mat he was lying on. Around him there was darkness and behind him he saw a fire. He also saw his brother and the miko along with the other members of the party. His energy was still depleted, and he felt horribly nauseated. He gathered that his brother must have saved him from Naraku, though why, he didn’t know..."). Especially when it begins every sentence.
What else? Inuyasha's red garb is called his fire-RAT robes. Mice are smaller and not at all ferocious. And they're goosebumps, not chill bumps.
Ok, I'm done now and will continue reading. Ja mata~! *wavies*
~Animefreak242
aka
Kawaii Girl
The only suggestions I really have are, for one - giving Shippou, Sango and Miroku more of a voice. I know that this is only the second chapter, and that the story is centered around Sesshomaru, Kagome and Inuyasha, but they seem to be just floating. Just following after Kagome and Inuyasha without a thought.
Another is that you might want to proof read. Some of your wording is repetitive (i.e.: "...the hand retreated back...") and you're using 'he', and it's variations, a lot. It's clear that you're talking about Sesshomaru in the the second segment of paragrahs, but the constant 'he'/'his' gets repetitive (i.e.: "...Every part of his body ached. He pushed himself up from the soft mat he was lying on. Around him there was darkness and behind him he saw a fire. He also saw his brother and the miko along with the other members of the party. His energy was still depleted, and he felt horribly nauseated. He gathered that his brother must have saved him from Naraku, though why, he didn’t know..."). Especially when it begins every sentence.
What else? Inuyasha's red garb is called his fire-RAT robes. Mice are smaller and not at all ferocious. And they're goosebumps, not chill bumps.
Ok, I'm done now and will continue reading. Ja mata~! *wavies*
~Animefreak242
aka
Kawaii Girl
schedule
February 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
*claps* Miroku and Sango are part of the story (albeit, out of character. It's like you switched their personalities). I'm just glad you've uincluded them as active characters in this story. This chapter was pretty good. Are you going to have Koga, Ginta and Hakkaku in this story? I hope so (though not in the stereotypical 'Koga comes, tries to snatch Kagome but Sesshomaru intercepts and rips him a new one while Inuyasha stands by and smirks' scenario. That's just old).
Sesshomaru's behavior was a little strange. For someone who had so much pride that it kept him from asking for another bowl of Ramen, he sure looked at the ground a lot. That's a submissive gesture. If he was so prideful, wouldn't he look Kagome straight in her eyes and regard her as unimportant? Or at least verbally affirm or reject each question? He thinks one thing, yet his actions state another. Or is that what you were going for? For this to be all an 'act' in Sesshomaru's head.
Once again, proof read (grammar, punctuation, repetitiveness, etc.). I didn't notice it in the first chapter, though I saw it at the beginning of the second one. You referred to Naraku's poison incorrectly. It's miasma, not masma. Just wanted to let you know.
~Animefreak242
aka
Kawaii Girl
Sesshomaru's behavior was a little strange. For someone who had so much pride that it kept him from asking for another bowl of Ramen, he sure looked at the ground a lot. That's a submissive gesture. If he was so prideful, wouldn't he look Kagome straight in her eyes and regard her as unimportant? Or at least verbally affirm or reject each question? He thinks one thing, yet his actions state another. Or is that what you were going for? For this to be all an 'act' in Sesshomaru's head.
Once again, proof read (grammar, punctuation, repetitiveness, etc.). I didn't notice it in the first chapter, though I saw it at the beginning of the second one. You referred to Naraku's poison incorrectly. It's miasma, not masma. Just wanted to let you know.
~Animefreak242
aka
Kawaii Girl
schedule
February 3, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Let me know if you plan to update this story. I have enjoyed it immensely and can't wait to see what the evil Naraku is up to. If you need ideas, I've already got them.
Snowfall
Snowfall
schedule
February 1, 2006 at 12:00 AM
please hurry up and update please I am dying to find out what happens next.
schedule
January 29, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hey i just have to say how much i love your story because it is great i can not wait untill you update i will be checking every day nice job
schedule
December 11, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I do not know that I have reviewed this fic before. It is in my favorites list and I was wondering if you have abandoned it. It is so very well written and angsty. I just love it.
Snowfall
Snowfall
schedule
October 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hey there.
Just wanted to let you know that i'm loving your story. I would like to know when you are updating again
Also, it seems you are missing chapter 7. and some of your other chapters are missing peices. thought i would let you know.
Just wanted to let you know that i'm loving your story. I would like to know when you are updating again
Also, it seems you are missing chapter 7. and some of your other chapters are missing peices. thought i would let you know.
schedule
September 5, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Are you going to be able to update your fic or have you abandoned it? I would like to know as I have it on my browswer's favorite's list.
Snowfall aka Hanyou Slave
Snowfall aka Hanyou Slave