schedule
October 28, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I like your story idea so far and have enjoyed reading it. You are keeping the characters in check, the relationships are belivable and the attention to detail is nice.
I have a couple of problems with some descriptions you have though.
When Sesshomaru becomes aroused, you said his groin hardened. That sounds painful because the groin encompasess the entire area from one hipbone to the other, from the lower abdomen to just under the scrotum. Maybe you could try being a little more specific? What would Sesshomaru call his body parts? One thing to keep in mind is who he is, our lovely Shesshomaru.
The other description was when the maid became aroused for Sesshomaru. You wrote 'the hair nestled between her legs glistened.' Paraphrasing here but the hair that far up does not get wet that early. You may wish to move the reffrence of the glistening lower.
These are just sugesstions for the next time you write. Please keep it up.
Sincerly
Paranoid
I
I have a couple of problems with some descriptions you have though.
When Sesshomaru becomes aroused, you said his groin hardened. That sounds painful because the groin encompasess the entire area from one hipbone to the other, from the lower abdomen to just under the scrotum. Maybe you could try being a little more specific? What would Sesshomaru call his body parts? One thing to keep in mind is who he is, our lovely Shesshomaru.
The other description was when the maid became aroused for Sesshomaru. You wrote 'the hair nestled between her legs glistened.' Paraphrasing here but the hair that far up does not get wet that early. You may wish to move the reffrence of the glistening lower.
These are just sugesstions for the next time you write. Please keep it up.
Sincerly
Paranoid
I
schedule
October 28, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Great fanfiction, keep the chapters coming!
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October 27, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This story is getting more intereting by the moment. Update sooon.
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October 27, 2004 at 12:00 AM
GRRRRRRRR!!!!! You just had to stop there didn't you. *chanting to self* Must not kill author, must not kill author. LOL Sorry but I love this story. The characters are richly done, and I love the OC's that you made. Not to mention I want to kill the Bitch *ahem* I mean lady. Great story, and I didn't find any errors. Can't wait for another update.
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October 27, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Ok, that was just downright mean! Sexy Sesshomaru with narrowed eyes making me, I mean Rin, feel the bulge in his pants.
You are mean!
Please update soon.
Shadiyaray : )
You are mean!
Please update soon.
Shadiyaray : )
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October 25, 2004 at 12:00 AM
ahhh.. no... not that bitch alina!!! it must be some kind of trick. right? right??? hmm... well anyway, i could have sworn i reviewed your fic already but apparently i didn't (damn me and my inconsiderate laziness) so i'll write one now... this story is sooo good! i've become a huge fan of the sess/rin pairing recently, and i love how they interact in this fic. great writing, great description, and i really like all of the original characters. well, excrept alina, but then we're supposed to not like her, huh? please update before saturday! *makitifitiful puppy-eyed pleading face...* :P
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October 25, 2004 at 12:00 AM
*beg grovel plead beg* PleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE POST ASAP!!!!!!!!!1!!11!!ONE!!
-crazy lil dragon (who's about to get even crazier)
-crazy lil dragon (who's about to get even crazier)
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October 25, 2004 at 12:00 AM
*beg grovel plead beg* PleasepleasepleasepleasePLEASE POST ASAP!!!!!!!!!1!!11!!ONE!!
-crazy lil dragon (who's about to get even crazier)
-crazy lil dragon (who's about to get even crazier)
schedule
October 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
NOOOOOOO!!!!! Oh man I am crushed, I can only imagine what poor Rin feels. 'Sob' Actually I do know what it feels like to walk in on my man and some other girl. It really sucks. In his case there was no mistake either, I just wasn't good enough. I hope things work out better for Rin (they did for me with a differnt man heheh and he got his later lol *evil grin*) Anyway great story update soon.
schedule
October 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
first off I HATE PEAS TOO!
second off I LOVE YOUR STORY!
third off it was some kind of allusion that the bitch made up to upset rin and probably has been doing simular things which is why she is so withdrawn from sesshomaru :nods all inglingly: i know you wouldn't be mean enough to actually have sess kiss the bitch lol plus she was listening to where rin was going to be further proving she had plans!
forth off UPDATE NOW!!!
second off I LOVE YOUR STORY!
third off it was some kind of allusion that the bitch made up to upset rin and probably has been doing simular things which is why she is so withdrawn from sesshomaru :nods all inglingly: i know you wouldn't be mean enough to actually have sess kiss the bitch lol plus she was listening to where rin was going to be further proving she had plans!
forth off UPDATE NOW!!!