rate_review Reviews

I LIKE IT !!

Hmm. The way I see it is someone kidnaps or appropiately Kagome father arranges a kidnapping to so his daughter doesn't know she's already been sold. Maybe that might work for you. As for Inu Yasha, well he takes pity on Kagome and buys her, though he still has to work for I guess Naraku.
Semper Fidelis

I really like the plot u have going here and please continue soon! but...(and remember im not flaming here this is constructive criticism) something about the way its written is too formal, err, i can't really find the right word for it. Example: when the dad is telling everyone they have to sell the house he says, "...this is very bad because now..." that just sounds wrong in my head when people say that. am i making sense? if im not email me, or don't if its just me. update soon!

I like the way the story is going so far but I wonder if you are going to make it to where inuyasha and kagome are going to be together and have babies don't forget to add pain and how the slave people treat her.

More

interesting begining. It was kinda slow though. you didn't have to drive your point home, I got that she missed her parents when you mentioned it the first time. You also seemed to be in a hurry towards the end and didn'ther her correcting your mentmented sentences and your runons. I really love this idea though, and it was clever to have kikyo and souta as her siblings. I love that there is going to be something between inu and kag later. I can't wait to read more.

I offer this as constructive crititism, you can choose to do nothing.

First of all, you should think about getting a beta. They help with little things, grammar, punctuation, story flow.
No offense but you need some help in those departments. Kagome's name should be capitalized, no matter what.
That says you are a lazy writer, I don't think that is the image you wish to project to the rest of the fan fiction world.
If you want us, the readers, to take you seriously as a writer then you need to make you presentation serious also.

Your story has almost no narrative or description, if you will, of the surroundings. We readers like to read about that stuff.
Try describing her mood, her parents are out of town on her birthday, is she depressed, angry, let down, rejected? Describe the house, the grounds, the sky, be very descriptive, use a thesaurus. Do not use the same words over and over.

I hope this helps. As a writer, you want your work to stand out from othics.ics. With a little help that would be possible.

Keep it u:gri:grin:: It sounds good so far... I look forwto sto seeing more! ^____^

very good, i liked it, being kinda new here, is a good feeling, but i'm usually on fanfiction.net alot, but i try my hardest 2 get to other sites, hope ya update soon

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