schedule
May 21, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I don't think you're a troll, so I'm going to try and get through to you. You seem to have tried to create an erotic story without knowing a lot about actual sex. This leaves you writing fairly decently for a pre-teen, and getting great reviews from others in your same boat, but being slammed or laughed at by anyone who has really had sex. PLEASE read this review, re-evaluate this story, and clean up the writing and imagery. For older readers, it's hysterical, not hot.
Constructive Crit- 1) Please read something about the female genital anatomy. You have it all wrong and it is quite distracting for anyone who has ever actually seen a naked person or had sex with a real woman. (Hint: The "clit" is a little bump above the vaginal opening- you cannot put anything in it. The navel has nothing to do with sex in any real way) 2) Read up on sex if you are too young to do it- fisting someone moments after breaking their hymen would cause agony, especially if the "fister" was not EXTREMELY experienced and the "fistee" had not had weeks or months worth of gradual stretching. 3) Some women are multi-orgasmic, but even for the most excitiable, arousable woman more than a few orgasms is a rarity. Having more than 10 roaring climaxes in under a few hours is at the very edge of physical possibility and would probably leave the recipient exhausted and so sensitive to touch that anything would be painful (or, conversely, numb). 4) When the hyman breaks there is bleeding and pain for most women; the degree varies. For most girls, sex the first time is uncomfortable, if not painful too, because the vaginal walls have not been stretched before and most young boys think like you- open it up, shove it in and out, wonder why she is smacking you in the head or crying...
Have an older beta read this and give you some specific pointers- please pick someone who has actually had sex for a few YEARS (not a few times with another 14 year old). The audience who thinks this piece is "hot" are just like you- confused over how the whole thing actually works and excited by mental and verbal images they don't really understand.
Constructive Crit- 1) Please read something about the female genital anatomy. You have it all wrong and it is quite distracting for anyone who has ever actually seen a naked person or had sex with a real woman. (Hint: The "clit" is a little bump above the vaginal opening- you cannot put anything in it. The navel has nothing to do with sex in any real way) 2) Read up on sex if you are too young to do it- fisting someone moments after breaking their hymen would cause agony, especially if the "fister" was not EXTREMELY experienced and the "fistee" had not had weeks or months worth of gradual stretching. 3) Some women are multi-orgasmic, but even for the most excitiable, arousable woman more than a few orgasms is a rarity. Having more than 10 roaring climaxes in under a few hours is at the very edge of physical possibility and would probably leave the recipient exhausted and so sensitive to touch that anything would be painful (or, conversely, numb). 4) When the hyman breaks there is bleeding and pain for most women; the degree varies. For most girls, sex the first time is uncomfortable, if not painful too, because the vaginal walls have not been stretched before and most young boys think like you- open it up, shove it in and out, wonder why she is smacking you in the head or crying...
Have an older beta read this and give you some specific pointers- please pick someone who has actually had sex for a few YEARS (not a few times with another 14 year old). The audience who thinks this piece is "hot" are just like you- confused over how the whole thing actually works and excited by mental and verbal images they don't really understand.
schedule
May 20, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I call troll.
schedule
May 18, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Let me guess, you're a male virgin who's never even seen decent Lesbian porn before, right? And judging from your English writing skills, in fourth grade.
schedule
May 18, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Virgins shouldn't attempt to write porn.
Tho' the results ARE fun to mock.
mock-mock-mockity-mock.
Tho' the results ARE fun to mock.
mock-mock-mockity-mock.
schedule
April 24, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Your story is good, a lot of action. But you need to stop exagerating the organsms and whats with the hymen stuff. When Kagome's hymen broke thats realistic, but Kikyos? I don't think so. You need to describe more on what the characters feel, and what they are thinking. And if you're going to say they're going to orgasm, you should describe how and other stuff, describe the orgasm. And i'm confused with the ropes. When Kagome was pleasuring Kikyo was she still held by the ropes? And when kikyo fucked kagome from the ass you should have made kikyo pleasure kagome's clilt.
schedule
April 22, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This story is the best. Its hot, sexy, I love it. Please update soon.
schedule
December 22, 2004 at 12:00 AM
PLZ! PLZ! PLZ! write more like this and up date soon. I love your fic so far thank you for writing it!
schedule
October 31, 2004 at 12:00 AM
are you gonna update soon?
schedule
August 22, 2004 at 12:00 AM
WOAH! mooore, pleeze more!
schedule
August 18, 2004 at 12:00 AM
OMG that was great. The story got me VERY horny. You did a great job now please update asap